I did a little free-writing while subbing at my kid’s school. This may not be pretty…

Adventures in substitute teaching…

Wow. This is going to be the longest day ever. I have glanced up at the clock numerous times and it never seems to move! 8:45. 8:47. 8:49. WTF! I keep thinking surely it’s 9:15 by now, so I glance again: 8:57.

Sigh.

Longest. Day. Ever

Kids are funny. Mostly they try to see what they can get away with without pushing me too far. At least that’s how 6th grade has been. 7th is next. Things may be different with them.

8:59.
Fuck me.
This class isn’t over until 9:30.

9:01
The teacher next door is killing me. The kids don’t like her (okay, neither do I) and now after having spent the last hour in the room next to her, I totally get it. She has no rapport with the kids. She doesn’t respect them and they don’t respect her. And she yells all the damn time. And then she counts. Then she yell counts. Then she yells some more…Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Seriously, have they been that bad?

9:05
This day is draggin’ like RuPaul.

I remember 6th grade. Wish I could forget it sometimes. It was the year my smart mouth fully developed. And the year I discovered boys. (They had not discovered me yet.) I had a pair of green “painter’s pants” overalls that I wore all the time. Back then, we all carried combs in our back pocket and I had one that said “No Tailgating.” Even back then I was funny.

My friends called me “French Fry” because that was all I ate. Ever. By the end of the year, my real nickname emerged. And I still go by it today.

9:10
Unbelievable. 5 whole fucking minutes.
It was weird getting up this morning and going to “work”–something I haven’t done since August. Thank God I got out. Some things never change.

9:14
Seriously. Still. Not. 9:30.
Lots of the 6th graders read. A couple of the girls are reading Manga books. Some of the guys have war books. Hmmm.

9:26
Good God.

9:41
7th grade. Lots of personality–fun kids. They enjoy rule-breaking and pushing limits. And they seem to clown a lot more than 6th grade. But they’re not bad.

Acne has hit with a vengeance. Boy, I don’t miss that.
They are watching me write in my notebook and they think I’m writing about them. Heh. As long as they don’t act like asshats, I don’t care what they do. I won’t be reporting anyone.
This class is over at 10:15. Shouldn’t be too bad.

9:47
Or not.
Didn’t take long for the bathroom requests to start. I asked them if walnut sized bladder was contagious.

I have to chuckle at their ingenuity. They stack their books up on their desks to hide what they’re doing. Like using a calculator or writing notes.

10:08
Holy Ferret I have to pee! Like mad damn. If I don’t go soon, MY walnut sized bladder will burst.

10:15-11:00
Kids are at PE. Ahhhh. The sound of silence. I miss my computer but I have my trusty BlackJack. I email my beach bunnies because I need sympathy and love. Plus I’m an internet addict and must get my fix.

11:00-11:15
Kids pray before recess? Really? Dear Lord, please let me kick ass at tag or never get found when I play hide-n-seek.

Lunch after recess. Must endure discussion with Counting-Yeller about the shortcomings of my kid. Shut your fucking cake-hole. I’m trying to eat my shredded iceberg lettuce in peace.

12:15-1:00
Kids are at Spanish so I do more emailing from my BlackJack and more wishing day was over.

1:12
The kids don’t want to do Science (duh) they just want study hall. Just do your damn Science and pretend it’s study hall. WHY do you want homework? I’ll never understand 7th grade reasoning.

1:14
Just covertly checked my email and Kristen dared me to yell ‘mother-ferret!’ at one of the kids. Tempting. But no. However, I laughed outloud at the request and they all stared at me with a funny look. Very tempted to ferret curse them now, but decided against it.

1:17
I am having fun watching one of my fave kids nonchalantly pass a note to her boyfriend. She stretches and does a quick glance over her shoulder at me to see if I’m watching. Must not make eye contact! She’s just stretching, you know. LOL Then she slides the note across her desk with another nonchalant glance.

My fave poster in the room. Listen and Silent are spelled with the same letters.

Wow. Totally profound.

The end of the day was loud and fun. 8th graders are a goofy bunch but they kept me busy. No time for freewriting.

After my long day’s journey back to Jr. High. I came home and dove into a pint of ice cream and ate away the pain.

All better now. (well, it will be when I open the wine…)