Dear Olive Garden

I would like to preface my letter by saying I’m not cranky due to lack of sleep; I assure you, I took a nap yesterday when I got home from work and I was sound asleep before 10 p.m. last night and slept til 7:00 this morning. I am well rested.

Actually, I’m not cranky at all. I watched Glee last night. It was funny. I laughed. The episode was titled Vitamin D which made me laugh even more (totally a private joke but seriously, the timing was ever so perfect). I boogie-woogie-woogied until I was laughing even harder. Add that to my fantastic sleep, and you have a Happy Mel.

Nope, this letter is written out of general concern for your latest promotion. Can you tell me why on earth you would want to offer a BOTTOMLESS BOWL OF PASTA? Aren’t we fat enough as it is?

Seriously, the original serving of pasta is already like 4 serving sizes…and now you’re offering unlimited refills for less than $10? You do understand that you are dramatically affecting the life expectancy of your clientele with this offer, right? I mean, anyone who will eat a bottomless bowl of noodles, butter, cheese and meat on a regular basis probably only has 1 working artery left. The others are 90% blocked and their heart is working overtime just to help them get oxygen. When they die, they won’t be back. Unless you’re offering this same promotion in your heavenly and hellish locations as well. (Do you have a location in purgatory? just curious…)

Honestly, why? WHY? I just don’t understand.

(I actually don’t understand why restaurants in general won’t serve appropriate portions and just lower their damn prices. It’s such a waste of food & money…but I digress.)

I know my little letter won’t make a damn bit of difference to you. And you’re probably not going to listen to me anyway because I don’t eat your bland food and your over-dressed, greasy salad that everyone seems to love (I do love your breadsticks though) I really wish you’d rethink this Unlimited Heart Attack in a Bowl promotion of yours. You might keep your customers around for a few more years…

Sincerely,
Mel

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