If you laughed at the Vin Diesel list, be prepared to laugh some more….

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Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face andtook his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O’Brien’s lever that shows clips from “Walker: Texas Ranger” and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan’s wife.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn’t give him exact change.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.”, then you are dead wrong.

Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn’t a racist.

Well, it’ll be quiet here for the next few days. Here being my blog that is.

We’ll play host to a house full of people tomorrow. Then Friday morning, we’ll be taking the mutts to hang out at the Doggie Spa until Monday while we embark on a 6 hour drive to Mobile, AL. My husband’s godson is getting baptized Sunday, so we’re going down to play a little early.

More than likely the spiders will take over here while I’m gone…I’ll sweep the cobwebs down as soon as I get home.

Meanwhile, why don’t you tell me your favorite part of the holidays. It can be whatever…food, drink, family, football, solitary confinement…I don’t care.

I’ll start.

My favorite part of the holiday, hands down, is my pies. 🙂

#2 is the wine. LOL

Well, it’ll be quiet here for the next few days. Here being my blog that is.

We’ll play host to a house full of people tomorrow. Then Friday morning, we’ll be taking the mutts to hang out at the Doggie Spa until Monday while we embark on a 6 hour drive to Mobile, AL. My husband’s godson is getting baptized Sunday, so we’re going down to play a little early.

More than likely the spiders will take over here while I’m gone…I’ll sweep the cobwebs down as soon as I get home.

Meanwhile, why don’t you tell me your favorite part of the holidays. It can be whatever…food, drink, family, football, solitary confinement…I don’t care.

I’ll start.

My favorite part of the holiday, hands down, is my pies. 🙂

#2 is the wine. LOL

Flitwick – Charms

Harry Potter: Which Hogwarts professor would you be?
brought to you by Quizilla

Flitwick – Charms

Harry Potter: Which Hogwarts professor would you be?
brought to you by Quizilla

I have nothing in particular to talk about today, so I’m just going to ramble on with a sprinkling of what’s inside my head.

Warning: Do not enter without proper neck gear. Whiplash has been known to occur to those unprepared for the Random Thoughts of Mel.

*a tumbleweed blows by*

Hmmm. Maybe my DSL connection to the thought box is broken. Let me try dial up.

*screech, squeal, screech, squeal, dong*

Please be patient while the thoughts are loading…

*another tumbleweed blows by*

Fine. I have nothing to talk about. Not really. I could talk about my sweet husband who tried to do me a favor by buying the turkey and ham for Thanksgiving. It was great…honestly. But I can’t help but give him a hard time. HE BOUGHT A 19 lb. TURKEY AND 9 lb. HAM.

Holy mother of meat. That’s alot-a food. He says a little assistance would’ve been great on my part. And he’s right, it probably would’ve been…except he had called 4 times from the store and I was trying to write, so by the 5th call, I didn’t care if he brought home a fully-feathered Tom. Hell, he could’ve brought home an armadillo at that point.

So, when he brought the meat home, I was completely grateful. (and I still am, though we’re gonna be eating a lot of flipping turkey and ham for a very long time) So, I pulled the turkey out of the bag and nearly threw my back out. 19.27 pounds at .89 a lb. Sure, it’s a great price. IT’S A BIG FUCKING BIRD.

Then comes the ham. Now, many of you know that my husband is quite frugal. He is. He doesn’t want to spend $50 on shoes he’ll wear for 5 years when I wouldn’t blink an eye at paying 3 times that for shoes I’ll wear twice. So, imagine my surprise when I pull the 9 lb pig from the bag. It’s a beautiful spriral cut bone in ham. It cost $35.

$35!

Now, he kept showing me the receipt “I saved us $30! look!”

You sure did, honey. You sure did.

He’s been getting a lot of flack at work for his love of meat. I decided I should share it with the cyberworld, too.

I have nothing in particular to talk about today, so I’m just going to ramble on with a sprinkling of what’s inside my head.

Warning: Do not enter without proper neck gear. Whiplash has been known to occur to those unprepared for the Random Thoughts of Mel.

*a tumbleweed blows by*

Hmmm. Maybe my DSL connection to the thought box is broken. Let me try dial up.

*screech, squeal, screech, squeal, dong*

Please be patient while the thoughts are loading…

*another tumbleweed blows by*

Fine. I have nothing to talk about. Not really. I could talk about my sweet husband who tried to do me a favor by buying the turkey and ham for Thanksgiving. It was great…honestly. But I can’t help but give him a hard time. HE BOUGHT A 19 lb. TURKEY AND 9 lb. HAM.

Holy mother of meat. That’s alot-a food. He says a little assistance would’ve been great on my part. And he’s right, it probably would’ve been…except he had called 4 times from the store and I was trying to write, so by the 5th call, I didn’t care if he brought home a fully-feathered Tom. Hell, he could’ve brought home an armadillo at that point.

So, when he brought the meat home, I was completely grateful. (and I still am, though we’re gonna be eating a lot of flipping turkey and ham for a very long time) So, I pulled the turkey out of the bag and nearly threw my back out. 19.27 pounds at .89 a lb. Sure, it’s a great price. IT’S A BIG FUCKING BIRD.

Then comes the ham. Now, many of you know that my husband is quite frugal. He is. He doesn’t want to spend $50 on shoes he’ll wear for 5 years when I wouldn’t blink an eye at paying 3 times that for shoes I’ll wear twice. So, imagine my surprise when I pull the 9 lb pig from the bag. It’s a beautiful spriral cut bone in ham. It cost $35.

$35!

Now, he kept showing me the receipt “I saved us $30! look!”

You sure did, honey. You sure did.

He’s been getting a lot of flack at work for his love of meat. I decided I should share it with the cyberworld, too.

Thanks to Miss Snark for posting the link to the Vin Diesel List. I nearly peed my pants. Apparently this stems from a Vin Diesel Random Fact generator. There were only 29 on the list I read, but I’ve found others and added them.

The Very Best of Vin Diesel

1.Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

2.Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

3.There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

4.If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: “I End Lives.”

5.There is no “I” in team. There are two “I”s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.

6.When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

7.In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

8.Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where’s Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, “This is BULLSHIT!” They’re all wearing shoes.” He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, “IF I CAN’T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!” The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

9.Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

10.Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his “Filet of Child” sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

11.Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

12.Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

13.Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

14.When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

15.Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi’s Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children’s hospital.

16.If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy’s. When asked why he doesn’t do this Vin replied “Because Grammy’s are for queers.” then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

17.It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

18.Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

19.Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s shit.

20.When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, “Holy crap! That’s Vin Diesel!” Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

21.On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

22.You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel’s diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

23.In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

24.Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North – they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, “Jackets are for pussies!” at the Acrtic researchers.

25.Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

26.Not only was Vin Diesel the first to shoot a baby out of a cannon, he was the first to eat a high velocity baby shot out of a cannon.

27.When Vin Diesel runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

28.Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown’s hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he’d come back to eat him.

29.When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

30. Vin Diesel created fire.

31. Vin Diesel doesn’t need special glasses to watch a 3-D movie.

32. To attain inner peace, Vin Diesel eats Buddhists.

33. Vin Diesel kills Dumbledore in Harry Potter 6 because he was bored.

34. Vin Diesel created Duct Tape to keep the universe from collapsing when he breathes.

35. Crop circles are Vin’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

Thanks to Miss Snark for posting the link to the Vin Diesel List. I nearly peed my pants. Apparently this stems from a Vin Diesel Random Fact generator. There were only 29 on the list I read, but I’ve found others and added them.

The Very Best of Vin Diesel

1.Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

2.Vin Diesel can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

3.There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

4.If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: “I End Lives.”

5.There is no “I” in team. There are two “I”s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.

6.When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

7.In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

8.Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where’s Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, “This is BULLSHIT!” They’re all wearing shoes.” He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, “IF I CAN’T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!” The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

9.Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

10.Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his “Filet of Child” sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

11.Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

12.Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

13.Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

14.When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

15.Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi’s Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children’s hospital.

16.If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy’s. When asked why he doesn’t do this Vin replied “Because Grammy’s are for queers.” then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

17.It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

18.Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

19.Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s shit.

20.When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, “Holy crap! That’s Vin Diesel!” Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

21.On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

22.You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel’s diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

23.In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

24.Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North – they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, “Jackets are for pussies!” at the Acrtic researchers.

25.Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

26.Not only was Vin Diesel the first to shoot a baby out of a cannon, he was the first to eat a high velocity baby shot out of a cannon.

27.When Vin Diesel runs with scissors, other people get hurt.

28.Vin Diesel ripped out of all Charlie Brown’s hair but left a single strand to remind him one day he’d come back to eat him.

29.When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

30. Vin Diesel created fire.

31. Vin Diesel doesn’t need special glasses to watch a 3-D movie.

32. To attain inner peace, Vin Diesel eats Buddhists.

33. Vin Diesel kills Dumbledore in Harry Potter 6 because he was bored.

34. Vin Diesel created Duct Tape to keep the universe from collapsing when he breathes.

35. Crop circles are Vin’s way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.