Well, first things first…I don’t miss y’all. (No offense or anything.) I farking lurve Disney. I’m tired as shit and my feet feel like swolled up whack-a-moles but who cares? It’s Disney!

Now, I’m not gonna do a detailed vacation post yet. Frankly, I’m too tired. FWIW, everyday while park stomping, I come up with great blog ideas/titles. But by the time I get home, I just don’t care enough to be witty.

But, those blogs will come. I promise. Hopefully this list of things not to do while in Disney will keep you entertained until I feel really witty again.

• If you’re an overweight woman traveling with your 12 year old daughter–DON’T wear her clothing. It’s not cute. You’re not hip. And no matter how much Nair you own, you should not be wearing short shorts.
• Don’t force your young child onto a ride. If he doesn’t want to ride, threatening to take him home won’t make him change his mind. If you make him ride, he will make the experience less than enjoyable for everyone else on the attraction. And frankly, it makes you seem like an asshole.
• Don’t travel and stay in the same house with extended family. No matter how much you love these people, you no longer live with them, and there is a reason for that.
• If you have hammer toes, don’t wear open toe shoes. If you are determined to show off your pedicure, please make sure you haven’t painted your hammer toes kelly green.
• Don’t wear white shorts without underwear. If you do, then don’t get on the Kali River Rapids. If you do, then expect everyone at the Animal Kingdom to see your naughty bits for a very long time.
• Don’t expect your 13 and 9 year old to actually listen to you. Don’t expect them not to climb on every rail or play with every chain they see. And definitely, don’t expect them not to fart in line and wait to see how long before someone notices. (other than their mom, of course.)
• If you ask your 13 and 9 year old to leave each other alone then you’re just a fool. “Leave each other alone” in sibling talk means “bug the fucking shit out of each other until your parents berate you endlessly in every line you stand in while they search for beer.” (btw, you can buy beer at all the theme parks!!!)
• Never make eye contact with the “street performers” at Epcot unless you want to be pulled into their little play as “the evil wizard Pelham”. (more on that later…)

These are just a few of the tips we’ve picked up along the way. More tips and observations to come soon.

Until then, Happy Birthday to me. (That’s right, I turn 29 (again) on the 14th.