sex education by kids

Last night, we were driving home from North Little Rock. Rader had a game at 5:00 (really, who schedules a game at 5:00? That’s ridiculous!) and he played a kick ass game but they lost by 3. Disappointing, to say the least. Anyway, after the game, we went to Rocky’s Pub to have dinner. Very tasty burgers and very cold beer on tap.

We had about a 30 minute drive to the house after dinner, which is always dangerous when the kids are feeling spunky. Apparently they were in a mood last night, having fun mouthing off and joking around and Rader decided it was time to ask questions about childbirth. He likes the fact that Ian was a C-section and that he wasn’t. So I retell the story.

Rader: You screamed when I was born. I remember it.
Me: Actually, I didn’t. I had great drugs.
Rader: I remember it, Mom. That’s why I had to get tubes. You screamed so loud my ears hurt.

Of course, I thought that was brilliant. Then he asked me: “Where did I come out of again? Your butt crack?”

Now, he knows the answer to this, but being a 9 yr. old, he of course thinks the word Vagina is the funniest thing ever. But I play along.

Me: You smell like you came from my butt crack, but no, you came from my vagina.
Me: It’s not a bad word, Rader. You know that. It’s a body part. Like Penis or Eyeball.
Mark: Or elbow. Or sphincter.
Ian: I thought sphincter was an old lady without a husband.

Total silence. Then much laughter.

Mark: You mean spinster?
Ian: Huh huh huh. Yeah. That’s what I meant. I know what a sphincter is.

Name calling ensues. Each boy calls the other a sphincter. I finally put the kibosh on the body part conversation telling them I want a do over. I want to rewind 14 years and decide against having dirty, stinky, rotten boys.

Rader: That’s what happens when you put the hotdog in the donut.

OMG. I nearly ran off the road. That was the funniest thing ever. I have totally ruined my children. Much therapy will be necessary. But at least they’ll have plenty to talk about.

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