Because I’m feeling lazy and also because I like this story, I think I’ll repost it here for your reading pleasure…

Kissing can be good (very good), bad (very bad), and sometimes it can be downright ugly. And yes, even very ugly.

This is a story about a downright (very) ugly kisser. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I was in 8th grade and in love with a boy named Conan*. Conan was everything I thought I wanted in a boy. He was funny, handsome, tall, athletic and did I mention handsome? I wanted me some Conan like I wanted the newest pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans.

A mutual friend of ours was having a party and it was going to be my first boy-girl party. (shut up. things were different back then.) Unfortunately, my mother decided to chaperone said party as well, but that’s a different part of this story and one that will remain locked in the vault.

That night, I decided to try to look like a girl. I wore my hair down (it was always in a hat or a ponytail), put on makeup (according to mom my eyes looked like spiders from an Alfred Hitchcock movie) and even wore a shirt without a sports logo on it. See? I could totally be a girl.

Conan noticed me and we flirted and slow-danced all night. Finally, the moment had come and it was time for Conan to kiss me. (I believe it was a Lionel Richie song that was playing)

He didn’t so much kiss me as he did eat my face.

And his tongue? It wasn’t so much as touching mine as it was filling my mouth. I’m pretty sure I was chewing on it, in hopes to survive without choking to death.

It was the biggest let down ever. A dude with so much potential, a dude I had crushed on for several months, a dude who couldn’t kiss worth a damn.

I was shocked and of course, completely disappointed. But Conan was everything I wanted except for the kissing part. Maybe I could help him improve? I tried that night several times but unfortunately, his tongue kept getting bigger. I found myself wondering how he kept that thing inside his mouth.

So here’s my question, can a bad kisser be retrained? Or do two bad kissers just wind up together because nobody else wants them?

*not O’ Brien 🙂