Tag Archives: kissing

So…I was making out with Fabio last night…

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Okay. I’m going to give you a rare glimpse inside my brain. You’re welcome.

Last night, I was watching REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER (btw, my favorite text ever from Rader was when he sent me a picture of Bill Maher and asked “Are you sure he isn’t my real father?”) Anyway, Dan Savage was on and it was one of the funniest episodes I’ve seen in a while. If you get a chance, please watch the 5:48 video just for a laugh and to see a very conservative former republican senator from Florida get very uncomfortable and make the “I smell bad ham” face.

So this is how my brain works. I was thinking that Dan Savage was the guy who did the satire romance novel covers, but he isn’t. I know that now (click that link for a good laugh). But, last night, I went to bed thinking he was that guy and when I think about romance novel covers, I often think of Fabio.

Who wouldn’t, right?

Ribbet collageOkay, so there I am, falling asleep with Fabio on my mind…and suddenly, there he is in my dream.

We’re in the library and there’s a party. And he’s pursuing me. He wants me badly. (I mean, duh!) and he finally pulls me onto his lap in a dark corner and we kiss. And after a few minutes (I had to be SURE) I tell him, “Sorry. This just isn’t working for me.”

And he’s all “I’m Fabio! I work for everyone!”

And I say, “Well, I’m not everyone. And you should learn to kiss better. I don’t have time or desire to teach you.” and I try to get up. But he holds me down and gives me a GIANT HICKEY ON MY CHEST. And then he puts a band-aid on it and says, “You’re branded now. You’re mine.”

I’m pissed. “What are you? 14?” And I dramatically storm off to tell everyone that Fabio gave me a hickey against my will. And everyone tells me I should have been nicer to him. Nobody tells Fabio he doesn’t kiss well, even if it’s true.  He’s FABIO for chissakes!

So yeah. That’s how my brain works. It’s scary, right?

Scary AWESOME.

Fabio

I’ll take it!

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So this morning, I was given the best compliment ever. I was told I look like Scarlett Johansson from the Avengers. Now, do I believe that? No. Will I ride the waves of awesome from that compliment? HELL YES.

OK, I scanned the internetwebs to see if I could find some remotely normal (as in not sexified hot) pics of Scarlett to make a comparison.

Hmmmm. Well, we both have red hair and a nice rack…but that’s about it. However, I’ll take it. I’ll take it and run…NO TAKE BACKS!

Since today is pretty awesome I’m gonna share some Weird, random, and ultimately unimportant things about me that will help you from confusing me with Scarlett Johansson. (Cuz you know it’s been really hard up until today)

  • I’m a Pisces (Scarlett is a Scorpio…which means she and I would get along well.)
  • I misspell Pisces every time I type it.
  • I don’t like ‘old’ movies. Or musicals (with the exception of two or three)
  • I read my first romance novel when I was 13. (Kathleen Woodiwiss)
  • I don’t eat shredded coconut because it tastes like grass.
  • If it comes between chocolate or lemon dessert…it’s lemon every time.
  • The cotton in Aspirin bottles makes me cringe. As does velour. 
  • I’ve seen Cinderella & Ozzy at least 5 times in concert. 
  • For the longest time, I wanted to have a little girl and name her Mandolin Rain. Yes. After the song. Yes. There’s a reason I only had boys…
  • I love the smell of leather and new money. 
  • Other than my engagment/wedding rings, I’ve only received 1 other piece of jewelry as a gift in my entire life. 
  • I love getting flowers on random days,  but not if that’s all I get for holidays/special occasions. (I think that’s lazy and shows lack of interest). I’d rather get daisies or sunflowers than roses.
  • I like big butts and I cannot lie.
  • Flamingos are my favorite animal. 
  • I love sock monkeys. 
  • I dream of owning a bar on a beach and living in an apartment above it.
  • I wanted to be a soap star when I was in high school. 
  • My first fishing pole was a Snoopy rod-n-reel. My daddy says I threw it into the lake the moment I got my first bite. I say it was Nessie who wrenched the pole from my death grip.
  • My first nickname was French Fry.
  • My first kiss was the summer between 6th and 7th grade on a raft in the middle of the lake.
  • I once made out for hours with my boyfriend in the sheep barn at the Arkansas State Fair.
  • In college, a group of friends and I climbed Pinnacle Mountain after dark. We were on our way down when suddenly we heard ‘HIKERS! COME DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAIN.’ We had been cold busted by park control. Luckily no one got a ticket. 
  • I have a crush on Steve from Blue’s Clues.

So now there is NO WAY you would possibly confuse me with Scarlett Johansson… You’re welcome.

Hope you guys have a fantastic weekend. I will be working and playing. And of course, smiling and sparkling. Because that’s what you do when you’re awesome….

lipstick on a razorback

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Kiss me! I’m a hog fan and I’m wearing my red lips to prove it!

I’m also wearing my razorback charm on my charm necklace:

My razorback shirt and as always my razorback red hair:

Woo Pig! Let’s rock Jerry’s House tonight! I can’t wait to hang out at Cheers with some of my favorite people and cheer my little piggies to victory! And to all my friends who are heading to the game in high cotton, drive carefully!

pucker up (an encore)

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I’m reposting a blog from last year, that I rediscovered this morning thanks to someone digging around in my archives again. I’m always curious to see what they’re reading, so I click the links…and I’m so glad I did, because this blog is very informational. I foresee a lot of “exercising” this weekend. I can’t wait for the Hot Air Balloon festival! I’ll have pics next week. Ya’ll have a great weekend!

 1. Those who kiss their partner goodbye each morning live five years longer than those who don’t.

2. Kissing is great for self-esteem. It makes you feel appreciated and helps your state of mind.

3. Kissing burns calories, 2-3 calories a minute and can double your metabolic rate. Research claims that three passionate kisses a day (at least lasting 20 seconds each) will cause you to lose an entire extra pound! It’s time to start that kissing diet!

4. Kissing is a known stress-reliever. Passionate kissing relieves tension, reduces negative energy and produces a sense of well being, lowering your cortisol ‘stress’ hormone.

5. Kissing uses 30 facial muscles and it helps keep the facial muscles tight, preventing baggy cheeks! The tension in the muscles caused by a passionate kiss helps smooth the skin and increases the circulation.

6. Kissing is good for the heart, as it creates an adrenaline which causes your heart to pump more blood around your body.

7. Frequent kissing has scientifically been proven to stabilize cardiovascular activity, decrease blood pressure and cholesterol. Those who kiss quite frequently are less likely to suffer from stomach, bladder and blood infections.

8. During a kiss, natural antibiotics are secreted in the saliva. Also, the saliva contains a type of anesthetic that helps relieve pain.

9. Kissing reduces anxiety and stops the ‘noise’ in your mind. It increases the levels of oxytocin, an extremely calming hormone that produces a feeling of peace.
 
10. The endorphins produced by kissing are 200 times more powerful than morphine.

Don’t forget to pucker up!

2 years ago today…I blogged about Kissing.

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Because I’m feeling lazy and also because I like this story, I think I’ll repost it here for your reading pleasure…

Kissing can be good (very good), bad (very bad), and sometimes it can be downright ugly. And yes, even very ugly.

This is a story about a downright (very) ugly kisser. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I was in 8th grade and in love with a boy named Conan*. Conan was everything I thought I wanted in a boy. He was funny, handsome, tall, athletic and did I mention handsome? I wanted me some Conan like I wanted the newest pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans.

A mutual friend of ours was having a party and it was going to be my first boy-girl party. (shut up. things were different back then.) Unfortunately, my mother decided to chaperone said party as well, but that’s a different part of this story and one that will remain locked in the vault.

That night, I decided to try to look like a girl. I wore my hair down (it was always in a hat or a ponytail), put on makeup (according to mom my eyes looked like spiders from an Alfred Hitchcock movie) and even wore a shirt without a sports logo on it. See? I could totally be a girl.

Conan noticed me and we flirted and slow-danced all night. Finally, the moment had come and it was time for Conan to kiss me. (I believe it was a Lionel Richie song that was playing)

He didn’t so much kiss me as he did eat my face.

And his tongue? It wasn’t so much as touching mine as it was filling my mouth. I’m pretty sure I was chewing on it, in hopes to survive without choking to death.

It was the biggest let down ever. A dude with so much potential, a dude I had crushed on for several months, a dude who couldn’t kiss worth a damn.

I was shocked and of course, completely disappointed. But Conan was everything I wanted except for the kissing part. Maybe I could help him improve? I tried that night several times but unfortunately, his tongue kept getting bigger. I found myself wondering how he kept that thing inside his mouth.

So here’s my question, can a bad kisser be retrained? Or do two bad kissers just wind up together because nobody else wants them?

*not O’ Brien 🙂

pucker up!

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Do you know how hard it is to send a pretty pucker to your boyfriend for Valentine’s Day?

Very hard.

My puckers were not the prettiest of lips today. I tried…OH how I tried to get the right pucker. But…It just wasn’t happening.

I really wanted to send the perfect pucker:


But it was blurry and the lighting was weird. Would El Jefe care about all that? No. But I did.

So I tried again…different lights; different angles; different distances from the lips…

THOSE pics will not be seen by anyone. Mostly I just looked like I had been punched in the face. Not very romantic…

So I went a different route. I sent him a note, S.W.A.K (you remember sealed with a kiss if you were around anywhere near the 80s…) And I texted him a Valentine’s Day smile… which is much better than a punched-in-the-face pucker any day.

We went to Oaklawn with some friends on Saturday. It was the perfect day to introduce El Jefe to the art of throwing your money away on the pretty ponies. He actually won some, so it wasn’t a total bust. 🙂 We had a great time, and the weather was awesome. OMG soooo awesome.

I almost wore my new sexy shoes to work today, but it isn’t quite close enough to spring to be wearing them yet. Even if the weather was pretending to be open-toed shoe weather…the reality is, it’s still February and I do have some sense… (for the record, they look fantastic with my brown pencil skirt…)

Happy love day everyone!

pucker up!

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1. Those who kiss their partner goodbye each morning live five years longer than those who don’t.

2. Kissing is great for self-esteem. It makes you feel appreciated and helps your state of mind.

3. Kissing burns calories, 2-3 calories a minute and can double your metabolic rate. Research claims that three passionate kisses a day (at least lasting 20 seconds each) will cause you to lose an entire extra pound! It’s time to start that kissing diet!

4. Kissing is a known stress-reliever. Passionate kissing relieves tension, reduces negative energy and produces a sense of well being, lowering your cortisol ‘stress’ hormone.

5. Kissing uses 30 facial muscles and it helps keep the facial muscles tight, preventing baggy cheeks! The tension in the muscles caused by a passionate kiss helps smooth the skin and increases the circulation.

6. Kissing is good for the heart, as it creates an adrenaline which causes your heart to pump more blood around your body.

7. Frequent kissing has scientifically been proven to stabilize cardiovascular activity, decrease blood pressure and cholesterol. Those who kiss quite frequently are less likely to suffer from stomach, bladder and blood infections.

8. During a kiss, natural antibiotics are secreted in the saliva. Also, the saliva contains a type of anesthetic that helps relieve pain.

9. Kissing reduces anxiety and stops the ‘noise’ in your mind. It increases the levels of oxytocin, an extremely calming hormone that produces a feeling of peace.

10. The endorphins produced by kissing are 200 times more powerful than morphine.

Did you kiss anyone this weekend? If so, look at all the good you accomplished!

Weekend Update:
Razorbacks didn’t play this weekend BUT they miraculously were moved up the ranks to #11. (because last weekend’s rankings were pure bollocks and they all know it!)

Friday night El Jefe and I went to see Michael Franti and Spearhead. Great concert! The opening band was a lovely surprise. Tamarama check them out if you’re looking for something new.

I’m thinking I’ll be purchasing their album this week off iTunes. They were infectious dudes and their music is, too.

Hope y’all have a great week and don’t forget to pucker up!

K*I*S*S*I*N*G

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I’m talking about my first kiss ever over at Fictionistas today. Pop by and check it out.

Kissing can be good (very good), bad (very bad), and sometimes it can be downright ugly. And yes, even very ugly.

This is a story about a downright (very) ugly kisser. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I was in 8th grade and in love with a boy named Conan*. Conan was everything I thought I wanted in a boy. He was funny, handsome, tall, athletic and did I mention handsome? I wanted me some Conan like I wanted the newest pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans.

A mutual friend of ours was having a party and it was going to be my first boy-girl party. (shut up. things were different back then.) Unfortunately, my mother decided to chaperone said party as well, but that’s a different part of this story and one that will remain locked in the vault.

That night, I decided to try to look like a girl. I wore my hair down (it was always in a hat or a ponytail), put on makeup (according to mom my eyes looked like spiders from an Alfred Hitchcock movie) and even wore a shirt without a sports logo on it. See? I could totally be a girl.

Conan noticed me and we flirted and slow-danced all night. Finally, the moment had come and it was time for Conan to kiss me. (I believe it was a Lionel Richie song that was playing)

He didn’t so much kiss me as he did eat my face.

And his tongue? It wasn’t so much as touching mine as it was filling my mouth. I’m pretty sure I was chewing on it, in hopes to survive without choking to death.

It was the biggest let down ever. A dude with so much potential, a dude I had crushed on for several months, a dude who couldn’t kiss worth a damn.

I was shocked and of course, completely disappointed. But Conan was everything I wanted except for the kissing part. Maybe I could help him improve? I tried that night several times but unfortunately, his tongue kept getting bigger. I found myself wondering how he kept that thing inside his mouth.

So here’s my question, can a bad kisser be retrained? Or do two bad kissers just wind up together because nobody else wants them?

*not O’ Brien 🙂