you say it’s your birthday…

It’s my birthday too, yeah. Happy Birthday to ME! For my birthday, I offer you another Dirty Little Mel Secret. I have a vault full of them, but I have found it is more fun to open that vault every once in a while, as opposed to just opening up like a $2 hooker. So, in honor of my birthday, I offer you a gift.

Mel’s White Trash Crushes Top Three

1. Eminem: The man is fine. I don’t care if he’s the real slim shady or not. He can slim my shady…or shady my slim. Whatever. The man is purebred skanky fine.

2. Kid Rock: You can say whatever you want about this man, but there is something strangely sexy about Kid Rock. He has a great voice, and a great bod and some fantastic tattoos (which, I’ll admit, I have a huge weakness for) and frankly, I’d do him. Twice. Sober. With my own vagina.

3. Johnny Knoxville: I had a real hard time putting him on the White Trash list, but frankly, he hosted Jackass for WAYTOOFUCKING LONG. There is no way you can’t consider the host of Jackass as White Trash. But he’s so fine he makes my toes curl just saying his name. And I fell in love with him twice after watching him in Walking Tall. Why? You ask…Because he was in that movie with The Rock…and man, did I have some fun fantasies that night. And those fantasies included me being the cream filling between a Rock/Knoxville Manwich. They could do some nasty dirty things to me and I would ask for more. Seriously, I’m a-twitter with anticipation about my dreams tonight. Mmmmmm. Manwich. My favorite meal.

So those are my top three…but, in the spirit of research, I asked a few friends who their White Trash crushes would be. (I had a few more folks on my list and I wanted to see how they measured up)

4. Tommy Lee: Okay, I have determined (scientifically of course) that if you’ve ever been married to Pamela Anderson, you are automatically qualified for the White Trash Crush list. And I’ll admit during my heavy metal years, I got wet over Tommy Lee. I love me some drummers. I only dated drummers for a while (not kidding) and if Tommy Lee would’ve ever looked at me with his hot little wiry tattooed self, I would’ve volunteered to have his babies. Or at least practice with him. And look at that Happy Trail. Admit it…you’d practice with Tommy, too.

5. Bret Michaels: Every Rose Has its Thorn…and every shithead has his own reality tv show. Yet, I find him strangely HOT. Why? Somebody help me! It’s the tattoos. And the hair. And the hat. And those awesome abs. Sigh. I’m hopelessly committed to the trailer park, aren’t I?

6. Colin Farrell: As a friend of mine ( who is not a high-class hooker) said—the man is fine but he would f*ck a dead donkey. Yeah. He makes the list. But he really is fine…

I apparently really have a thing for hair and tattoos. Go figure.

So, who would you add to the list? Do you have a white trash crush? Go ahead, we’re friends here. Nobody’s judging you. (No really, I promise.) Unless you drink white zinfandel. Then we’re probably judging you a little.

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