I’ll take it!

So this morning, I was given the best compliment ever. I was told I look like Scarlett Johansson from the Avengers. Now, do I believe that? No. Will I ride the waves of awesome from that compliment? HELL YES.

OK, I scanned the internetwebs to see if I could find some remotely normal (as in not sexified hot) pics of Scarlett to make a comparison.

Hmmmm. Well, we both have red hair and a nice rack…but that’s about it. However, I’ll take it. I’ll take it and run…NO TAKE BACKS!

Since today is pretty awesome I’m gonna share some Weird, random, and ultimately unimportant things about me that will help you from confusing me with Scarlett Johansson. (Cuz you know it’s been really hard up until today)

  • I’m a Pisces (Scarlett is a Scorpio…which means she and I would get along well.)
  • I misspell Pisces every time I type it.
  • I don’t like ‘old’ movies. Or musicals (with the exception of two or three)
  • I read my first romance novel when I was 13. (Kathleen Woodiwiss)
  • I don’t eat shredded coconut because it tastes like grass.
  • If it comes between chocolate or lemon dessert…it’s lemon every time.
  • The cotton in Aspirin bottles makes me cringe. As does velour. 
  • I’ve seen Cinderella & Ozzy at least 5 times in concert. 
  • For the longest time, I wanted to have a little girl and name her Mandolin Rain. Yes. After the song. Yes. There’s a reason I only had boys…
  • I love the smell of leather and new money. 
  • Other than my engagment/wedding rings, I’ve only received 1 other piece of jewelry as a gift in my entire life. 
  • I love getting flowers on random days,  but not if that’s all I get for holidays/special occasions. (I think that’s lazy and shows lack of interest). I’d rather get daisies or sunflowers than roses.
  • I like big butts and I cannot lie.
  • Flamingos are my favorite animal. 
  • I love sock monkeys. 
  • I dream of owning a bar on a beach and living in an apartment above it.
  • I wanted to be a soap star when I was in high school. 
  • My first fishing pole was a Snoopy rod-n-reel. My daddy says I threw it into the lake the moment I got my first bite. I say it was Nessie who wrenched the pole from my death grip.
  • My first nickname was French Fry.
  • My first kiss was the summer between 6th and 7th grade on a raft in the middle of the lake.
  • I once made out for hours with my boyfriend in the sheep barn at the Arkansas State Fair.
  • In college, a group of friends and I climbed Pinnacle Mountain after dark. We were on our way down when suddenly we heard ‘HIKERS! COME DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAIN.’ We had been cold busted by park control. Luckily no one got a ticket. 
  • I have a crush on Steve from Blue’s Clues.

So now there is NO WAY you would possibly confuse me with Scarlett Johansson… You’re welcome.

Hope you guys have a fantastic weekend. I will be working and playing. And of course, smiling and sparkling. Because that’s what you do when you’re awesome….

I have a secret

And secrets are fun.

I should be able to tell you tomorrow… but until then, here’s a hint:


Pouvez-vous deviner mon secret?

OK slightly off topic but BETTER OFF DEAD is one of my all time favorite movies ever and ever and ever.

I will tell you this isn’t a Dirty Little Secret. Hope you’re not too disappointed…

let’s have a little chat…

My dear Friends of the Internetz,

You may remember me sharing several of my dirty little secrets with you in the past. No, I’m not talking about my Naughty River for Blue’s Clues Steve, or my White Trash Crushes…I’m talking about when I shared the only thing Sarah Jessica Parker and I have in common: Man Hands.

It’s true. We both have them. And I have to tell you, I’m ready to do something about mine. El Jefe thinks I’m just this side of crazy when I talk about my Man Hands. I’ll admit they are tiny in size, especially compared to his…but…my fingers are like little stuffed sausages and my fingernails are awful. They don’t really grow; and they are wide. They just don’t seem very feminine to me–therefore they are Man Hands. I’m thinking it’s time to try to fix them.

Apparently you can’t do liposuction on your fingers (Not that I’ve checked…) and apparently, having big knuckles and tiny stumpy fingers isn’t really something plastic surgeons can fix (what? I’m making an assumption here. I swear!) So I think I’m going to go a different route.

I’m going to get a manicure.

I’m going to see if I can make my Man Hands into Drag Queen Hands pretty, feminine girly hands, just by adding polish and trying to grow the nails out. I can’t do the fake nail thing. It’s just not my bag. But apparently there is this polish called Shellac that is guaranteed to last 2 weeks, even on the toughest customer. That would be me.

So next week, I’m gonna go for it. I’m going to attempt to put lipstick on a pig and pretty up my Man Hands. If you have any other suggestions for me, please weigh in…

stand out

Confession time. I have a thing for any movie with Amanda Bynes or Hillary Duff in it. I love teen girl movies. And this line is exactly the reason why:

Ian: Why are trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?

Love, love, LOVE!

This is from probably my favorite Amanda Bynes movie, WHAT A GIRL WANTS. It’s quirky, funny and romantic and it appeals the the 15 year old girl inside of me. Okay, it appeals to the 41 year old as well. Shut your pie hole. I’ll grow up and stop being such a goob one day.

I’m up to something today but I can’t tell you cuz it’s a super secret something. It’s awesome though.

Friday randomness

I love this song. It tells a story completely with so few words. And it’s powerful. And the video is powerful. And if you’re in a relationship that is this volatile, Get Out. Mmmkay?

Love the Way You Lie: Rhianna and Eminem

Of course, you know Eminem is one of my dirty little secrets, right? I can’t go back and find the blog right now, but you can click ‘secrets’ label and find my White Trash Crushes post. I mean, look at this boy. He’s hotter than a tablespoon of raw cinnamon.

Last night we celebrated two birthdays at Girls’ Night Out and we started out as a party of 8 and we ended with a party of 1million 16. We had cupcakes that sparkled, yummy sexican waiters, cleavage, margaritas and ended the night with karaoke. Carla and I performed Love Shack. It was terribly wonderful.

Here’s your Friday iPhone pic (actually here’s 2 pics just cuz you’re special and deserve double)


Do not adjust your screen. Jorge is, in fact, upside down. Actually, he was standing behind my chair leaning over me, so naturally I had to take a picture.

Getting a new pedi tonight, then it’s off to 80s Bunko! Tomorrow I’m hanging poolside with Birdrunner. The role of poolboy will be played by her husband…unless anyone else out there would like to volunteer.

Peace!

Dirty Little Secret: Sarah Jessica Parker & I have 1 thing in common

Dirty Little Secret # 5 (I think)

Know what SJP and me have in common?

No, it’s not our body type. She’s a stick–I’m a marshmallow (fluffy and fabulous)

No, it’s not our hair. Duh.

No, it’s not our taste in clothing…

No, it’s not Matthew Broderick (anymore)

Tired of guessing?

The one thing me and SJP have in common is we both have Man Hands. (though I will admit her hands are MUCH more manly than mine. I win.)

Seriously, when people ask “what’s the one thing you’d change about yourself.” you’d expect my answer to be “my thighs.” or “Antarctica aka my ass.” Or maybe even “my metabolism” (ok, yeah, I would really like to change that.) but no…those are not ever my first answer. My first answer has always been and will probably always be “My man hands.”

Growing up I never felt very feminine. I was an athlete. I wore shorts, jeans and sweats. My hair was always in a pony tail. Makeup was something I used to remind boys that I was actually a girl. I was tough, had a potty-mouth, wasn’t petite, and I had man hands.

Fast-forward 20 years…the only thing that has changed is that I now wear dresses. Do you know how weird it is to have on a dress and still have Man Hands?

So yeah. That’s my dirty little secret. Sure, it’s not as fun as my naughty river overflowing for Blue’s Clues Steve, or my white trash crushes…but still. It’s another of the many Dirty Little Secrets that I find the need to confess here in my blog. Next time you see me in person, please try not to stare at my Man Hands. I know it will be difficult…

another dirty little secret

I’ve confessed a few dirty little secrets before:

But I have another secret I must share. But before I do, I need you to promise you won’t judge me. I couldn’t stand it if you judged me…

Okay, here goes…

I used to have a cartoon crush on the Heat Miser…but now, I have a real live version of him to love!

Kevin Miser Gillespie from Top Chef!

Tell me you don’t think they could be the same person? Go on, I dare ya.

Now if you’re familiar with the classic holiday film A YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS, you might be wondering why I didn’t have a crush on the wittier brother, Snow Miser. The answer is simple, really…Snow Miser had snotcicles. Seriously, who could crush on a guy with snotcicles?
So in my youth, I had a crush on a poorly animated dude named Heat Miser and as an adult, I’m totally crushing on Kevin G from Top Chef. Sure he can cook…but really, the reason I’m a little bit in love with him is because I know, his secret identity. (he can melt things with a touch…he’s too much!)

TOP CHEF SPOILER
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WTF? seriously, why didn’t they send Robin home? She’s a hack. And annoying. I was so shocked. I yelled at the tv like it was a Razorback football game and we were having to play both the opposing team and the refs….

achieving MILF status the SMART way

Everyone knows one of my goals in life is to be Stifler’s Mom aka a MILF.

Last night, I was asked how I would know when I reached MILF status and I said, “I don’t have a clue, but surely I’ll get there.”

His response: “You need SMART goals for your MILF ambitions.”

WTF? SMART goals?

Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-bound

Okay, that’s just a little too sciencey for me and my goal of becoming a cougar. So I said, “That’s so sciencey. Can’t I just know when I get there?”

“How will you know? When one of your kids’ friends slaps you on the tushy?” (and yes, he said tushy. I thought about changing it to ass but decided to leave it in there because that’s funny as shit.)

LMAO. Yes, that’s exactly how I will know. Or when I read a text message that says, “Dude, your mom is hot.”

Instant MILF.

But his suggestion got me to thinking, is there a way to develop Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-bound goals for becoming a MILF?

C’mon gang! Let’s explore!

  • Specific: Well, that’s easy. I wanna be a MILF. I’m already the equivalent of a naughty librarian which is hot, but not my ultimate goal. So there’s the specific. Or does he mean I need to achieve specific objectives in order to become a MILF? See? too Sciencey. Dammit. Can you guys give me some specific objectives? I’m all out of ideas.
  • Measurable: Um. Is there a certain number of teenage boys that need to be lured by my siren song before it counts? I’m not really sure how to measure this.
  • Achievable: Yes. (LOL that’s funny. I just made myself snort)
  • Realistic: Again, Yes. (see above comment about snorting)
  • Time-bound: ASAP. Okay, well theoretically, I’ve got time. I have 2 sons. So if I can’t achieve MILFiness in 4 years, I have another 4 to try. But my guess is I will achieve much sooner than that. Because really? As stated, I’m already a Naughty Librarian. Surely MILF isn’t that far away.

So what do you think? Is it possible to apply science to such an unscientific goal? Is there such a thing as over-thinking?(yes)

How do you think I’ll know when I’ve achieved MILF. Will I ever know?

Taking bets now–will I EVER make it to MILF?

It’s dirty little secret time!

It’s been far too long since I’ve admitted a dirty little secret. Here is a list of past secrets:

Yes, these are all my dirty little confessions. And now I have another one.

I am so relieved that Ron Weasley Rupert Grint is 20 years old, because now my crush on him doesn’t seem quite so forbidden.

It’s the red hair. And the smile.

And the accent.

Mostly it’s the hair.

Maybe my dirty little secret isn’t my mad crush on a 20 year old, it’s the fact that I dig gingers.

Case in point:

Eric Stoltz. He has always been Some Kind of Wonderful to me. Sigh.

David Caruso. Maybe not so much now, but when I first saw him on NYPD Blue, I lost a little piece of my heart to him.

Damian Lewis. If you don’t watch Life, you’re missing out. Either way, he’s my latest ginger crush.

Maybe if Matt Damon was a red head, we’d still be together. Who knows?

Dear Matt Damon,

Dear Matt Damon,

It is with a heavy heart that I write you this letter. We have been not-so-secret pretend lovers for a very long time. And you have been so good to me. And when I say good, I mean REALLY good to me. But I’ve come to realize that it’s just not working anymore.

Another man has caught my eye and captured my heart.

Simon Baker is the man for me. He makes my heart do weird things and makes me tingly in all the right places. I’ve always had a crush on him, but now that he enters my living room every week, my crush has grown to love. He is my new not-so-secret pretend lover.

I realize this hurts. I know you’re going to want to fight for me. I understand. But please man! Keep your dignity in tact. It’s over. Accept it. We’ve had some good times together. I hope those memories will soften this blow.

You will always have a special place in my heart. But it’s time for me to move on. I will always love you, just not in that way.

Yours in Platonic Love,
Mel