Dear Matt Damon,

It is with a heavy heart that I write you this letter. We have been not-so-secret pretend lovers for a very long time. And you have been so good to me. And when I say good, I mean REALLY good to me. But I’ve come to realize that it’s just not working anymore.

Another man has caught my eye and captured my heart.

Simon Baker is the man for me. He makes my heart do weird things and makes me tingly in all the right places. I’ve always had a crush on him, but now that he enters my living room every week, my crush has grown to love. He is my new not-so-secret pretend lover.

I realize this hurts. I know you’re going to want to fight for me. I understand. But please man! Keep your dignity in tact. It’s over. Accept it. We’ve had some good times together. I hope those memories will soften this blow.

You will always have a special place in my heart. But it’s time for me to move on. I will always love you, just not in that way.

Yours in Platonic Love,
Mel