An Official Declaration

Happy Ugly Christmas Sweater Week!

There. I’ve said it. Now, make it so.

See? Even Matt Damon is playing along.

Today I’m wearing a vest. It’s not the ugliest of sweaters in the world..but it’s still a Christmas VEST…and so the only way to look cool while wearing it is to wear it ironically. So I am. And therefore, this Ugly Vest is cool…like me.

Hope you guys had a great weekend. I did. I worked a lot, got to see my sweet friend Marcus who was in town from Paris (Yes, France). I didn’t get to attend his gathering when he first arrived, so I was thrilled when I was able to leave work early enough to see him last night before he headed back. He’s so sassy and awesome. I lurve him.

Now…you guys celebrate Ugly Sweater week with me. I wanna hear about or see your ugly sweaters. Hmmmm. What will I wear tomorrow?


Guess who contacted me to wish me a very special birthday? I’m placing it under the cut because it my offend some of your delicate sensibilities. (If it does, you’re probably new to me…Hi! I’m Melf and I am an adult, and this is my blog, and sometimes I say adult things. Also it’s my birthday, so there. Also, you should go buy my books so I can quit my day job.)

I KNEW MATT DAMON WASN’T OVER ME! I’m sorry EL Jefe. But it’s Matt Damon. I know you understand… 😉

It is the Day of Mel and my co-workers brought me colorful sprinkled donuts! El Jefe took my car to be fixed (because he is made of awesome). My girlfriend is apparently buying my lunch today (and by “lunch” I mean “wine”) and my boss just gave me the afternoon off to celebrate (okay, she didn’t want me coming back to work hammered. whatever.) Life is pretty awesome.

I want all the nice.

I didn’t have a great day yesterday and I felt like crap. So today, I want all the nice. All of it.

And I think if I could have some of the surprises that would make me smile, that would be good, too. I don’t want all of the surprises. Just some of them.

Here is a list of some of the surprises that would make me smile:

  • Matt Damon
  • Matt Damon cleaning my house.
  • Flowers delivered by Matt Damon.
  • A new car–driven by Matt Damon
  • Wine Wednesday on a Tuesday in Matt Damon’s hot tub.
  • The restraining order Matt Damon has on me to be lifted
  • A winning lottery ticket. (bought for me by Matt Damon.)

Of course, these are mere suggestions. Any of the nice that you bestow on me will be appreciated and any surprise that is nice will be welcome. Matt Damon is just an added bonus of awesome.

thank goodness that’s over (you may just wanna skip this rant)

The one good thing I can say about the elections? They’re over–which means no more political ads.

Unfortunately, the one ad that should’ve run every 2 minutes, I never saw on TV. Sadly, I have a feeling we’re in for a repeat performance of some of the things discussed in this ad.

It’s too late now, but…in two years, maybe people will remember again.

It’s a huge pet peeve for me. I lost a house, lost my savings, and pretty much lost my marriage due to the housing crash thanks to deregulation. Yeah, I’m a bit bitter about it. But hey, now the GOP is in charge again, so surely EVERYTHING will be just fine. Right?

Hah. This country’s government has completely forgotten it is supposed to work FOR THE PEOPLE. I’m people and trust me, our government stopped working for me when Clinton’s term ended. Obama hasn’t even been given 2 years to fix the mess that it took GW 8 years to get us into. But it’s over now. And all I can say is I’d much rather watch Viagra commercials over hate-filled political ads any day.
And I’m off my political soap box. Like I said on Facebook…I’m going to my happy place where there is sunshine, unicorns, and Matt Damon.

I’m late. Deal with it.

If you haven’t figured it out yet, this has been a craptastic week, overflowing with craptastic goodies. BUT things are changing. Yep. They’re coming around to the good side again, I can feel it.

First of all, my darling Mac isn’t dead. Fishdog worked his Apple Magic on her, and she seems to be in fine working order again. I was afeared we had a fried hard drive, but according to all the tests, she seems to be A OKay. Must’ve been a corrupted file just messing with her goodness.

Secondly, I snuck in a drink last night with my BFF Jenn Christman. We only had 1 hour but we took full advantage of that hour with a margarita and lots of gossip. She got hair extensions and looks 10 years younger and now I’m thinking that maybe I need to invest in some of those…

THEN I hung out with the eldest last night. Was fun. He’s a hoot. Makes me laugh and we shared Double Stuf Oreos. And you know if Double Stuf Oreos are involved, it’s a good time.

Today I had lunch with my pal Laura at Cheers in the Heights. Adolfo took very good care of us, as usual.

And tonight…I’m making apple pie. I’m also planning on sparkling while I wear my flamingo apron. Maybe I’ll conjure up Matt Damon while I’m at it…

See? All is well.

What you guys got going on? Anything fun or exciting?

what a girl DOESN’T want to come home to find

This is my baby, Mac. She apparently isn’t feeling well. And it must be contagious because I’m not feeling well now, too. Sigh.
No, this is not what a girl wants to come home to find. I’m going to make a list of things that I would much rather come home to, and maybe tonight when I get home, one (or more of them) will be there.
  • Matt Damon in my bed
  • Matt Damon naked vaccumming my house
  • Anyone vaccumming my house fully clothed
  • A chilled (bottomless) bottle of wine in the hand of my cabana boy as I walk in the door to my already cleaned house.
  • A million dollars and Matt Damon lying naked in the middle of it.
  • A million dollars (Matt Damon optional)
  • A brand new swimming oasis in my backyard with an oasis house and cabana boy.
  • A disco ball hanging from my living room and the Geico Gecko waiting to dance. Or Matt Damon.
  • A fully cooked meal served to me by Matt Damon wearing my Flamingo apron in my already clean house.
  • A computer that works…sitting on Matt Damon’s lap.

Yeah, I’m thinking anything on this list would be much more fun to come home to find. Don’t you agree?



As of 8:05 AM, I am 40 years old. (Technically I started celebrating the DAY OF MEL! at midnight. Gotta eek out as much of the BEST DAY EVER as possible) Plus that’s when I started getting text messages and phone calls. I have seriously surrounded myself with some of the best people in the world. I love you guys.

And I really love that y’all have embraced, the DAY OF MEL!, on this 14th day of the MONTH OF MEL!, which is tucked snugly inside the YEAR OF MEL! with verve and gusto! (don’t you just love the word verve? We should use it more often.)

As a matter of fact, we SHALL use it more often. I command that today every one is to use the word VERVE at least 3 times.

Report back and let me know how that went…

Love y’all! And Maria Geraci, you naughty little minx. I’m so glad I got to pop your blog-stealing cherry. I’m such a bad influence. And I like it like that.

Enjoy your DAY OF MEL! I plan to. I’ve finally let Matt back into my bed again…so we’re going to be a little busy today… And under the cut…check out what Matt Damon’s bday present to me REALLY is…

survey says?

I’m a stud.

But we all knew that, didn’t we?

It was a resounding landslide in the hoop or stud nose-ring question. I still kinda dig the hoop but even if it was a landslide the other way, I wouldn’t be keeping it in. It feels like a feather tickling my nose. I’ll still pull the hoop out and wear it every once in a while, but the stud is going back in.

It is Christmas Eve! I hope everyone has a great day. It’s raining here, so my plan is to go to the gym then hunker in for some writing and wrapping. (not to be confused with rapping. Nobody wants to see that, I promise)

Happy Holidays to all my blog readers, friends, family, and secret pretend boyfriends. (Could somebody tell Matt Damon I’m going to have to call the police if he shows up at my door in Santa underwear and hat again?)

Dear Matt Damon,

Dear Matt Damon,

It is with a heavy heart that I write you this letter. We have been not-so-secret pretend lovers for a very long time. And you have been so good to me. And when I say good, I mean REALLY good to me. But I’ve come to realize that it’s just not working anymore.

Another man has caught my eye and captured my heart.

Simon Baker is the man for me. He makes my heart do weird things and makes me tingly in all the right places. I’ve always had a crush on him, but now that he enters my living room every week, my crush has grown to love. He is my new not-so-secret pretend lover.

I realize this hurts. I know you’re going to want to fight for me. I understand. But please man! Keep your dignity in tact. It’s over. Accept it. We’ve had some good times together. I hope those memories will soften this blow.

You will always have a special place in my heart. But it’s time for me to move on. I will always love you, just not in that way.

Yours in Platonic Love,

home again

And absolutely wasted. Totally beat.

Will be better tomorrow and will also have evidence pictures to share.

I absolutely had a great time and enjoyed meeting everyone. The party was fab–but the after party? Even fabber.

Oh, and I may even have a Matt Damon story or two for you.

Wicked Awesome.