Dear John Comcast,

Today, I say goodbye. I wish I could say that I’m sad about this breakup. I mean, we’ve been together for 2 years, so I should feel some remorse. But I don’t. Not even a smidge.

Because as a partner, you suck. You’re high maintenance and expensive. And frankly, if you were at least hot and consistent, I would probably still pay for your service. But no. You’re not hot. Because half of your channels don’t work. And when I call, the techs say it’s the squirrels but then they never come to fix the problem. And then the problem will magically disappear without someone coming to repair the squirrel buffet, so I have to wonder, is it really the squirrels?

Do you know how frustrating it is to be in the middle of a show and have the picture just start going all wonky? And it would be understandable if the weather is bad outside, but no…the weather doesn’t seem to matter to you.

I was very hesitant to go out with you initially because I’d had such a great, long term relationship with Direct TV. But when I moved, DTV couldn’t come with us because we had too many trees. (In which the ravenous squirrels reside) When I called you, you were so receptive, and frankly, you were CHEAP. You were practically giving yourself to me. And for the first year of service, when I was paying less than $100 a month for full cable including HBO/STARZ, I had no problems. We were happy. We were simpatico. It was love.

Then one day, I checked the bill and it had doubled! Suddenly, you were $180 a month. And even more suddenly, your picture was no longer clear. So I called to complain. If I’m paying that kinda cash for TV I should at least be able to watch it!

Those damn squirrels must’ve been really hungry because I didn’t have all my channels for almost 3 months. I couldn’t watch my NCIS marathons on USA or Jon Stewart on Comedy Central or Family Guy on Toon. I almost missed an episode of True Blood because of you! I called and called and called. Technicians were dispatched but never showed up. I can only assume the squirrels ate them, too.

Then one day, another company caught my eye. ATT U-verse is known for his poaching ways, but there was something so sexy about him. The more I resisted, the harder he pursued (and really, I’m a total sucker for attention like that). He put on the full court press and even showed me how he could save me over $100 a month by switching. Finally, I said yes.

So I’m trying someone new. I’m sorry this is how you have to find out, but honestly, I just can’t afford you and your antics anymore! If things don’t work out with ATT, I’ll be sure to let you know.

Love,
-Mel