When my daddy was teaching me to drive, one of the things he drilled into my head was that other people can’t drive, so I had to always drive defensively. In other words, watch out for the idiots on the road.

Today, I was the defensive driving queen. And I also did a whole lotta yelling. (btw, according to my #1 kid (in birth order, not preference), I’m very funny when I’m filled with road rage)

Do you know why there are early morning traffic jams near on ramps? BECAUSE THE IDIOTS ON THE ACCELERATION RAMP DON’T ACCELERATE. THEY STOP. AND THEY CAUSE THE REST OF THE TRAFFIC TO STOP SO THEY CAN GET OFF THE RAMP AND INTO TRAFFIC. Dudes. Merging is not an art. It’s common sense. And if you don’t have the common sense to merge, then please get off the road.

Black ice. It is the devil. I hate it. It’s scary, especially if you have to put your brakes on because traffic is stopping and in your path is a big patch of it. And you better hope that you don’t have to stop ON the ice because that won’t happen.

So why, oh why are all these people driving too fast for conditions and then slamming on their brakes and almost slamming into me? Why oh, why do they act like that’s my fault as they try to buy me a new bumper. Or buy me a new driver’s side door? Yes, I’m responsible for your idiot ways. It’s all me. I’m magic like that.

My wit was super witty this morning. It was filled with awesome and verve. It made my kids simultaneously laugh and cry. My road rage filled the air with black smoke tinged with hate and venom and all the unicorns became sick and the rainbows became colorless.

Gray rainbows are so depressing. As are dying unicorns.

So I’m currently working on ways to end my rage-filled mood. My first idea was soundly rejected. It had something to do with El Jefe jumping into his truck and driving 3.25 hours to bring me one of his Bloody Marys. You think I was asking too much? C’mon! My rage is killing unicorns!

Fine. Let the unicorns die. See if I care…

Okay, I care. I think I’ll just go to Damn You Auto Correct and read until I laugh away the rage. That always seems to work.

When the color returns to the rainbows, and the unicorns begin to frolick again, remember to thank me.