chiggers are the devil’s pets and they should burn.

chiggerI will say a scalding hot bath and endless scratching does help ease their torture. As does benadryl and benadryl cream.

I was asleep before 10 last night, thanks to the little pink pills.

Honestly, a sandpaper massage sounds damn near heavenly! I haven’t had chigger bites like this in 20 years! Sure I get the occasional bite on my feet, but from torso-to-toe? No. Not since I was a kid.

People mistakenly believe that chiggers burrow into the skin and stay for days, but that’s not true. They actually inject enzymes into the skin that break down skin cells. The itching begins when the little fuckers have filled up on your skin cells and they leave you to take a nap. I wish it was a dirt nap. but no. Just a plain old nap like your fat uncle Morty who wears sweatpants to lunch on Thanksgiving day.

Anyway, I’m better today. I think the worst is past me. But…now my legs look like I have leprosy. If you see me on the streets in rags, just donate to my calamine lotion funds and walk away. Don’t stare too long at the constellation of scabs. They’ll start to scare you.

Later bitches! I have some scratching to do.


friend and foe.

Mimosas. This mimosa is my friend.



This mimosa?


Taken at UALR

Not. So. Much.


Coleman Creek, UALR

I forget that I have Mimosa Tree allergy. I love them. They’re beautiful and fragrant…and they make my eyes cry all the cries!

Years ago, when we bought our first house in Little Rock, our yard was filled with mimosa trees. And they were lovely. And I couldn’t see for almost 6 weeks. We thought I had developed an allergy to my contacts, so I stopped wearing them. My eyes were so light sensitive I actually had to wear those grandpa sunglasses that cover their glasses, even inside.



Yes. These. Except mine were a hideous dark green.

My eyes are so sensitive this week, I’m thinking about bringing sexy back with those bad boys.

And it’s my own freaking fault. I was checking out the sneaky snakes in Coleman Creek yesterday, enjoying the ambiance…inhaling the wonderful scent of the…OH SHIT. Mimosa tree that I was standing inches away from. Stupid Melf. You done lost your damn mind.

Oh well. It’ll clear up in a few days and if it doesn’t, I guess I’ll be getting me some prescription eye drops. Conjunctivitis is sexy. It makes my makeup run all down my face, like I was jilted on Prom Night.

Good thing I’m a natural beauty. haha

This weekend is Father’s Day and we’re having a cookout on Sunday.  El Jefe is Papa Bear and he’s fantastic with the boys, but they will be with their dad this Sunday. However, Stacey Jay and her fam will be hanging out with us! Because I cannot get enough of her. EVER. So we’ll be celebrating Big Daddy Mike Day. It’ll be awesome.

And I know there will be much laughter. Because that’s how we do at The Compound.




naked girls not included.

Mayor Bloomberg, from his endorsement for President:

“When I step into the voting booth, I think about the world I want to leave my two daughters, and the values that are required to guide us there. The two parties’ nominees for president offer different visions of where they want to lead America.

One believes a woman’s right to choose should be protected for future generations; one does not. That difference, given the likelihood of Supreme Court vacancies, weighs heavily on my decision.

One recognizes marriage equality as consistent with America’s march of freedom; one does not. I want our president to be on the right side of history.

One sees climate change as an urgent problem that threatens our planet; one does not. I want our president to place scientific evidence and risk management above electoral politics.”

I’ll admit, whatever happens, I’m ready for the election to be over. I do believe that we’ll get 4 more years of Obama. But if we don’t, I’ll survive…just like I survived the Dubya Era. Man, Hillary…please tell me you’re gonna run for 2016? PLEASE!?!

In other news, we’re gonna be having a giant multi-family yard sale at the Compound tomorrow. It’s gonna be a long night and long day. Probably there will be Bailey’s in my coffee in the morning. If you stop by, you’ll get a special discount if you bring me a Bloody Mary!

fah-ah-ah-ling over you.

First off, my recap of Bachelorette Episode 3 is up at Hey Don’t Judge Me. I’m working on Episode 4 recap now and hoping to post it later today. Episode 3 was so Douchetastic I had a hard time writing up the recap. So much material, so little blogspace… (btw, the Mask de-masked himself…)


Let’s talk about grace baby.
Let’s talk about you and me.
Let’s talk about all the falls that I take, that you can see.
Let’s talk about grace. Let’s talk about grace…

Picture this. A girl with bright red hair and a large tattoo (definitely recognizable) is sauntering (because she saunters) along the sidewalk on the way to work (a college campus, mind you) when suddenly the sidewalk reaches up and grabs her foot (because surely she didn’t just trip) causing her to take a most ungraceful spill. EVER. Dust and skirt flying up, shoe flying off, and an entire construction crew and 2 young engineering students watching. It happened in slow motion, because all things awesome happen in slow mo.

The boys were a few feet behind the now completely embarrassed girl with the bright red hair and gallantly assist her off the ground and ask if she is okay. The girl looks at the boys, who are both red-faced and apparently even more embarrassed than the girl. The girl realizes this was probably the first time the boys had ever seen panties. The girl is glad they were cute panties. She resists the urge to show them her matching purple bra.

Now the girl is a little scratched up from the sidewalk and the tree root she landed on. Her ego is completely bruised and may not make a full recovery, so if you see the girl with the bright red hair and something seems different; it’s probably because she is mourning the loss of her dignity. It was all she had left, after all…

gray rainbows and dying unicorns.

When my daddy was teaching me to drive, one of the things he drilled into my head was that other people can’t drive, so I had to always drive defensively. In other words, watch out for the idiots on the road.

Today, I was the defensive driving queen. And I also did a whole lotta yelling. (btw, according to my #1 kid (in birth order, not preference), I’m very funny when I’m filled with road rage)

Do you know why there are early morning traffic jams near on ramps? BECAUSE THE IDIOTS ON THE ACCELERATION RAMP DON’T ACCELERATE. THEY STOP. AND THEY CAUSE THE REST OF THE TRAFFIC TO STOP SO THEY CAN GET OFF THE RAMP AND INTO TRAFFIC. Dudes. Merging is not an art. It’s common sense. And if you don’t have the common sense to merge, then please get off the road.

Black ice. It is the devil. I hate it. It’s scary, especially if you have to put your brakes on because traffic is stopping and in your path is a big patch of it. And you better hope that you don’t have to stop ON the ice because that won’t happen.

So why, oh why are all these people driving too fast for conditions and then slamming on their brakes and almost slamming into me? Why oh, why do they act like that’s my fault as they try to buy me a new bumper. Or buy me a new driver’s side door? Yes, I’m responsible for your idiot ways. It’s all me. I’m magic like that.

My wit was super witty this morning. It was filled with awesome and verve. It made my kids simultaneously laugh and cry. My road rage filled the air with black smoke tinged with hate and venom and all the unicorns became sick and the rainbows became colorless.

Gray rainbows are so depressing. As are dying unicorns.

So I’m currently working on ways to end my rage-filled mood. My first idea was soundly rejected. It had something to do with El Jefe jumping into his truck and driving 3.25 hours to bring me one of his Bloody Marys. You think I was asking too much? C’mon! My rage is killing unicorns!

Fine. Let the unicorns die. See if I care…

Okay, I care. I think I’ll just go to Damn You Auto Correct and read until I laugh away the rage. That always seems to work.

When the color returns to the rainbows, and the unicorns begin to frolick again, remember to thank me.

soaking it up

This afternoon I’ll be lounging poolside with Birdrunner, soaking up some much needed Vitamin D. A year ago, I was doing the same thing…except I was soaking up Florida Vitamin D…and let’s face it…Vitamin D in Florida is just sooooo much better than the Arkansas Variety. Because there’s an ocean attached to it…and much like bacon–everything’s better with an ocean.

After my Vitamin D infusion, I’ll move on to Vitamin M…for Margarita. (or would that be Vitamin T? hmmmm) Because tonight is Girls Night…and you know how much I love my Thursdays!

What’s going on today? Anything fun?

The MONTH OF MEL: day12

Oops! I was so caught up in myself, that I almost forgot to post today’s MONTH OF MEL! post. Talk about an oxymoron! WTF?

Today started off miserably. It was cold and gray and rainy and sleety and I hated every minute of it because just a couple of days ago, I was hanging out in the sun sporting a tank top and a smile.
Fucking Mother Nature and her fickle bitch ways.
But not today. No. It was cold. And sleeting! FUCKING SLEETING–most of the day. Honestly? Sleet? BITE ME!

So today, I didn’t wanna get out of bed. I alternated between wanting to be buried under a blanket in my favorite pajama pants, and dying to walk on the beach, listening to the waves crash the shore, smelling the salty air, and feeling the sun on my face.

I was so emotionally spent in daydreams of the beach that I completely neglected my blog duties. I apologize. I hope you can forgive me. If not–I hope you can spank me will gladly accept my punishment.

About 2:30 today, I was faking work pretty well–just trying to get through the last 30 minutes of the day, when one of my co-workers came into my cube and said, “Melissa, we’re having a meeting in here, you wanna join us?”

I immediately glanced at my calendar–no meeting. I was afraid that perhaps maybe I had ignored a meeting accidentally. ( I would NEVER purposefully ignore a meeting. EVER. I swear…)

I knew something was up b/c they were all gathered in the hallway.

And my instincts did not fail me. They had gotten me a cake and some black and white balloons!

I was pleasantly surprised. And my cake was fantastic!

Then my Thursday Girls met me out tonight for dinner and drinks.
Apparently the acoustics in that restaurant were pretty damn awesome because no matter how quiet or loud we were being, our cute, funny, and charming waiter heard us. He’s our regular waiter and is very comfortable with us. And tonight, we were having some pretty colorful discussions and he would just chime in. I actually blushed once.

I know, right? Me? Blushing? Who knew?

Despite the ugly weather, it wound up being a fabulous day. It’s great being Mel.

How was your Day 12 of the MONTH OF MEL!?

this is just a random posting

UPDATE: I’m back over at FCR today. Come by for a visit.

The song I woke up with in my head this morning was Wham! Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go (You’re welcome)

I’m glad this week is over. Work was good and my brain is almost back to normal after Monday’s writing-palooza. FWIW, it apparently takes 4 days for a brain to solidify again after overuse liquefies it. I’m not sure how much of my brain leaked out of my ears, but I feel pretty normal, so whatever I lost must’ve been some of that ‘unused’ bit.

I caught up on LOST. It’s been a great season so far. And I’m still in love with Sawyer. He really does get the best lines.

I’m also in love with heat over Gordon Ramasy of Hell’s Kitchen. First of all, he’s a ginger (I do believe I’ve established I have a weakness for such things?) Secondly, there is something about that man’s filthy mouth and angry outbursts that just gives me goosebumps. The man turns me on, what can I say.

My Thursday Girls took me to dinner last night to celebrate my brain being solid again. I tried Mango Vodka and Tonic. Holy Potato Juice was it good. Seriously, I thought I was in love with Mandarin Vodka? No. That wasn’t love, that was intense admiration. And Mandarin Vodka and I will always have a very special relationship. But Mango Vodka won my heart last night. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Have y’all got big plans this weekend? It’s going to be gorgeous here. I’m going to be doing some writing, but I also plan to get out of the house some. I went back to the gym Wednesday, which felt great, even though my workout was shit…I’m going today, and I’m going to get the hell out tomorrow and run.

Have a great weekend!

A couple of new items have been added to my 40 at 40 list.

  1. Run a 10K
  2. Train for and run a half-marathon
  3. Get a tattoo
  4. Visit a place I’ve never been before
  5. Get waxed (Legs, pits and um…yeah. I’m gonna go there. All the way there. That will be some blog…)
  6. Meet with a financial planner
  7. See a professional (insert sport here) game
  8. See Staind in concert
  9. See Springsteen in concert (now that I’ve been properly recruited into his cult fanclub. However, I really shouldn’t add this to my list because I’m afraid that my recruiter’s ego can’t handle another stroke) ETA: am worried this won’t happen this year unless he adds some fall dates…will add it to next year’s list if need be.
  10. Lose 2 sizes
  11. Buy myself a nice piece of jewelry
  12. Get a passport
  13. Visit NY (yes, this could also be the “visit a place I’ve never been before,” but NY deserves its own line)
  14. Skinny dip in the ocean
  15. Go deep sea fishing
  16. Teach my son how to drive a stick
  17. Take a shot (or 2) of Patron (in the comfort and safety of friends who can handle Mel-on-Tequila. Have never had Patron but have been assured by many that it will change my life. It will definitely change the life of the people who witness this event, I can promise you that.)
  18. Take an unplanned road trip
  19. Take up SLR photography again
  20. Write a short story or novella (never done this, dunno if I can!)
  21. Go camping in the mountains
  22. Plant a new gardenia bush
  23. Steal a summer kiss at sunset
  24. Take a winter vacation somewhere snowy
  25. Face time with each of my out-of-state friends
  26. Try at least 1 type of new (to me) food
  27. Go golfing
  28. Write a letter
  29. Have a book launch party 😀
  30. Grow my hair out for 1 year
  31. Find a Flamingo Pez dispenser or convince Pez to make one.
  32. Schedule speaking events at schools in the fall
  33. Finish this list (for Marcus)

let’s get physical

I went to the gym tonight…talking about it over at FatChicksRunning.

Hope y’all have a good weekend. I dunno if it’ll be a blogging weekend or not for me. And who knows, I’m drinking tonight, so y’all might get lucky and get a drunk blog later

Wouldn’t that be something? A dirty little secret (mmmm gingers) and a drunk blog all in one night?

Keep your fingers crossed. Until then, enjoy…