I’m pissed. I’m fired up. And I’m on a mission.

We don’t have a government. We have a bunch of pissed off toddlers throwing a goddamned tantrum for not getting their way in the grocery store.

I’m angry. I am so disgusted and disappointed in and ashamed of our elected officials that I can’t even describe it. And the most infuriating part of it all? Sure they’ll shut down the government to try to bully people into doing what they want, but are THEY going without pay? Fuck no. Of course not. Continue reading

stop being so annoying people! she said with a smile…

BlogFBMistakesAnd yes, if more than one of these things applies to you, then I am talking to you. Directly. This is a Facebook rant. You’ve been warned.

    1. I get it. There’s a Royal Baby. But GeeDee…don’t act like Kate Middleton is the only woman ever to give birth. I mean, I know it seems odd to think about it, but that cheeky wench, Queen Elizabeth? She had babies, too. And so did Diana. And every other royal vagina before them. So stop acting like this baby is the 2nd coming of Christ.
    2. You know those Facebook memes “Like if you hate cancer” or “Like if you think this girl is beautiful” or “Like if you wish pedophiles didn’t exist and if you don’t like we know how you really feel” OMG. Just. Stop. That shit is almost worse than VagueBooking. We all hate cancer. We all think child abuse sucks. We all think the poor girl with a birthmark covering her face is beautiful. What isn’t beautiful is the desperate plea for “likes.”
    3. Also stop doing this: “Repost if you believe in God. I know most of you won’t.” Shut up. Religion is supposed to be personal and PRIVATE. And this latest trend of guilting people into proclaiming their love for god is just plain assholery.
    4. Also, stop doing this: “Let’s see how many of you read my status. I know it’s probably only 4 of you so here goes. Leave a comment with one word describing _________ and then repost this status to your page.” Stop telling me what to do and trying to drum up attention. If you want more comments, be funnier. Or original. Or talk politics, that always gets ’em going.
    5. If you need help deciding what else you grown ups should stop doing on Facebook, read this: 5 Things You Need to Stop Doing on Facebook Right Now. I’d like to call your attention to  4. Stop communicating with your spouse on Facebook. Have you no conscience? Unless you and your spouse live on opposite sides of the planet—no, even then. Even if you do, you have no excuse to share things on Facebook with the person you’re married to. You should be wishing them a “happy anniversary” privately, instead of uskeepcalming your special day as an excuse to let all your single friends know how much happier you are than them. If you feel suddenly overwhelmed by the need to tell your spouse just how lucky you are to have them in your life, consider whispering this information in their ear instead of co-opting their wall. Open up a damn email and send your spouse a private link to whatever video of an otter playing with a rock is unmissable today. Then post the same video on Facebook if you must. Just don’t mix the two.” I’d like to add that it’s one thing to post a funny to their page or what not. It’s another thing to post pics of y’all making out and spewing cheesy love shit all over a public forum. Probably when you’re sitting right next to each other. Nobody’s buying it. Trust me. It’s obvious you need the world to believe you’re happy and so in love so you’re overcompensating. Those of us who are actually in love, we’re saying those things privately. (and oftentimes, nekkidly.)
    6. VagueBooking. Like I said earlier, if you need attention, then find yourself a personality. Be original. Be funny. But don’t be attention seeking. Example:  “Sometimes it’s just not worth the effort. Sigh.”  Really? What isn’t worth the effort? Breathing? Here’s a pillow. Put it over your face. Is it hard being human? Is it hard being a mom? A dad? Is it hard being pretty every day? WTF are you talking about? And stop with this “Inbox me” crap. Either just come out and play your drama out online or don’t. But stop being an attention-seeking hooker.
    7. If you invite controversy by ending your blanket statement with “I just don’t get it” or “Somebody please explain it to me” and then someone takes an opposite stance of you, remember, YOU INVITED IT. Don’t get pissy because people may disagree with you and don’t feel attacked when you’re the one who started it.

Here are things you can do on Facebook that will make people (and yourself) forever happy.

  1. Be funny
  2. Be original
  3. Don’t take life too seriously. It’s Facebook, not real life
  4. Drunk Facebook (as long as you have a personality and as long as you aren’t one of those whiny drunks)
  5. Have a good time.
  6. Don’t take shit so personally. I use hashtags because I instagram a lot. I have a friend who hates hashtags and bitches about them all the time. Who cares? Good for her. She has the right to her Facebook status and I have the right to my #hashtags.
  7. Hide people who you like but you don’t like their constant updates. I have people who hide me. It’s okay. It’s Facebook, not real life. I hide all my Jesusy Preachy Friends because it’s Facebook, not church. And religion is private. I’m pretty sure Jesus isn’t sitting in Heaven giving people a +1 every time they quote the bible out of context.

There you go. Melf’s helpful hints for a Happier Facebook life. You’re welcome. (RAINBOW STARS….the more you know…)

In Camp Compound Bootay’s Bootyliciousness news: I walked 1.5 miles at lunch yesterday and did 20 minutes of HIIT workout focusing on legs and arms. Then I did 300 different crunches.

Yep. I’m a little sore today. But that’s alright. I kinda like the pain.

Monday, funday…?

Ugh. It’s so hard to come back to work after such an awesome weekend. Sigh.


Not your typical blow job…

My favorite picture from the weekend? Look at that laugh. LOL This is El Jefe cleaning himself up after weedeating the Compound. Yes. He’s using a leaf blower to remove the debris…and dry his hair. This man makes me smile.

For more awesome weekend pics, check out my instagram... There’s some of Ruby, and coffee, and wine, and MEAT…and various other awesome stuff.

Saturday, El Jefe and I took Rader to see WORLD WAR Z and it was fantastic. Seriously. I jumped and yelped a couple of times. According to Rader “I’m such a girl.” LOL Well, yes, I am.

Rader cracks me up. He texted me all weekend long, sending me jokes and images he finds on reddit. His latest find is r/onetruegod. OMG. Nicholas Cage is the One True God. So freaking hysterical.  I believe I may have some Cagey plans for my kiddo now…

And on a final, slightly ranty note… Last week, we all read about Paula Deen’s dirty little not-so-secret issues. And suddenly, people are all up in arms, “forgiving” her on Facebook. DID SHE CALL YOU A MONKEY? No? Is she paying you less money than your white counterparts? No? Did she or her brother tell you “fuck your civil rights?” No? Then what the fuck do you have to forgive? Seriously? IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU, PEOPLE. There’s nothing for YOU to forgive. Good Grief. Everything is about you, isn’t it?

You’re so vain, you probably think this blog is about you, don’t you, don’t you?

Narcissism. You're doing it right...

Narcissism. You’re doing it right…


Things you may have missed this week if you’ve been living under a rock. #NSA

Soooo, I’ve had a bee-in-my-bonnet this week and I unleashed the Rant Kraken on my blog.

I figure since I’m on a roll with my opinions which I am stating on my blog which nobody is telling you to read, that maybe I should continue on…

Let’s talk about the NSA… (Hi, NSA. I know this is going to put me on your watch list. You’ll find my texts rather boring, I’m afraid. I usually only talk about wine and weekend plans which usually include more wine. Sometimes we make fun of people (which I’m not proud of, but honestly, some people are just asking for it.)

I cannot believe people are NOT up in arms about what our government is doing to us right now. That fucking Patriot Act opened the door to this, but the Obama administration is allowing it to happen, and that’s not okay. (and dude. I voted for you.  I like you. BUT THIS? Not. Ok.)

Wait, you ask, what’s happening with the NSA that’s so bad to make you mad at your dude, Obama?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I answer.can-you-hear-me-NSA

So, the abridged story is…the NSA has been illegally gathering all of our cell phone data. Our text messages, calls, metadata…ALL OF IT. And they’re looking for key words and patterns and they’re using the Patriot Act to back them up. Yes. They have your information. All of it………

That nasty text message you sent to your husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, stranger? They have it.

That “sexy” picture you took? They have that as well. (BTW, please understand that fat, clammy white guys posing like Burt Reynolds in front of a computer, are not sexy. Not even “sexy”)

Those not so subtle texts about your next weed purchase? Yup. Even that.

Any off color jokes? (yes, the racist ones…) Any of your threats to the President? (even the “jokey” ones) Your private messages to your lover? Your full of crazy rants about your spouse’s ex? Yep, those, too.

Those stalking texts? Those “jokes” about blowing up government buildings? Yeah…they’re not being considered “jokes” dude.

Let me break it down for you. When I worked for ALLTEL in the fraud department, I worked alongside law enforcement to track cloning and subscription fraud rings. I could detect patterns, and flag accounts, but if the cops called asking for information about a specific number or data, THEY HAD TO HAVE A SUBPOENA. Because it’s ILLEGAL to access personal, private records without just cause…You know, so they don’t violate the 4th Amendment of our Constitution.

The Fourth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution reads:

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Do you understand what it means to our privacy and our security now that our government has decided that the 4th Amendment is “just a suggestion?” They are treating it like it’s the Yellow Light of the Law. They are using our fears of another attack like 9-11 to justify their illegal seizure of our private information.

And instead of getting pissed off about losing their rights, people are wasting their time moaning and groaning about “the gays” getting equal rights! WTF is wrong with this country!?

AND NOW! our country is trying to apprehend the man who leaked the information to Americans because they consider him a traitor to our country.



A person who betrays a friend, country, principle, etc.

Hey, NSA. Y’all are the traitors. Y’all are the ones who are ignoring our constitution and acting like the GEE DEE Gestapo. Snowden is a fucking hero. He saw what y’all were doing was illegal, he called you out on it, and now you’re trying to punish him BECAUSE YOU GOT CAUGHT BETRAYING YOUR OWN PEOPLE.

NSA–and all those involved in allowing this to go on–y’all are assholes.

ASSHOLE is the word of the week.

I’m as left of center as you can get without being a loon. I have supported the Obama administration on so many things…I’m proud they are supporting Equal Rights for all Americans. I am proud of Obamacare and their attempt to make healthcare available to all Americans. I am proud they are trying to help the immigrants already in the country become citizens. BUT, if this administration doesn’t do something to stop the illegal seizure of our information, I’m going to seriously have to reconsider living here.

Honestly. Once you take a right from the people, it’s damn near impossible to get it back.

And I want my right to privacy returned to me. PRONTO.




Dear #Walgreens CEO Gregory D. Wasson

Like, NEVER.

Like, NEVER.

Dear Walgreens’ CEO Gregory D. Wasson,

I’ve been a huge fan of Walgreens over the years. For the longest time, it was my favorite place to run in to pick up something quick, grab a soda, or a quick 6-pack, and I’ve exclusively used your pharmacy for years.

And then you guys decided to buy USA Drug. Up until that moment, I never had a complaint. I had great service. Rarely had to wait in line. The pharmacists were always helpful and the techs always courteous.

That has consistently not been the case since your company took on USA Drug’s clientele. It’s not the employees’ fault they are overworked and understaffed, but you know what? It’s DEFINITELY not the customer’s fault either.

Now, we’ve had similar experiences at various Walgreens in different locations, but the purpose of this letter is to talk to you about the store in Bryant, Arkansas. We have decided that this location is probably a combination of the 5th, 7th, and 8th Circles of Hell…right here on earth.

My partner is on a Schedule II controlled substance and has been for 15 years or more. He has had this same prescription for as long as he can remember. Last month, when he took his prescription in, the pharmacist gave him some flack, but filled it anyway. However this month, the pharmacist refused saying “I have never seen this prescription written for a man your age, and I’m not going to fill it.”

Um. Well, he’s not the physician, so the dosage is not his call.

So we called his physician and had him “approve” the prescription as written. They also sent the information to the insurance company so there wouldn’t be anymore push back from the all-knowing pharmacist.

We called and spoke to a pharmacy tech last Thursday, a week after all the approvals were sent through because we had not been informed that his prescription was ready. The tech said the prescription would be filled and ready to be picked up after work.

Imagine my partner’s surprise when he arrived after work, waited in the drive through for 15 minutes only to be told they were out of the medicine and it would be at least a week before they got more in. There was no offer to send the prescription to another Walgreens and there was no offer to return the prescription to him so he could have it filled elsewhere.

I would like to say the story ends here, but sadly, it does not. At this point in the story, he has been more than a week without his medication.

Friday, he calls his physician to see if they can recommend a real pharmacy that will actually fill the prescription as prescribed. The office tells him to go pick up his prescription from Walgreens and gives him the address of a new, legitimate pharmacy. He drives to Walgreens, goes into the store and waits for a half hour while they look for his now missing prescription.

Yes. somehow, they’ve lost a prescription for a schedule II controlled substance. So he now has to go to his physician’s office, pick up a NEW prescription to take to the new, legitimate pharmacy.

Since Walgreens is on every corner, you’d think it would be convenient, huh? Well, obviously not.

I have never had too much of a problem with this particular store until recently when they’ve run out of medicine and not informed me prior to pick up. Lately, I’ve had to wait in line for up to 30 minutes to get my medicine, and that’s not really convenient, but it’s not a game changer for me.

However, Friday, June 14, 2013…the very same Friday Walgreens lost a prescription for my partner’s schedule II controlled substance…I went to pick up my refills to go out of town. I had received my confirmation call and a text message telling my prescriptions were ready. I get there, I wait in line 15 minutes and I’m told that there is no prescription ready for me. I showed the girl the text message and say, clearly there should be. I tell her I’m going out of town and need my BP meds before I leave. She tells me they’ll get them ready for me in 15 minutes. And they do…however, I have to wait another 30 minutes in line to pick them up!

This is inexcusable and bad business. Between the multiple bad experience my partner has had, and then the experiences we both had on Friday at the same store, we are done.

It seems that purchasing USA Drug was not such a good idea because your customer service has bitten the dust. Your pharmacies aren’t stocking their medications properly, and your pharmacists (at least one at the Bryant store) are practicing out of their scope. Losing a prescription for a controlled substance is unprofessional and as far as I’m concerned, unredeemable.

Losing our business probably won’t do much to your bottom line, and that’s okay with me. But, I am quite certain after our experiences, we are not the only business you’re losing. I’m just one of the few who will let you know why.


Melissa Francis, author, mother, partner and now FORMER customer

ETA:  Update on the Walgreens at the bottom of this blog post.

weighing in

I have resisted this topic as long as possible. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m furious. And I’m ready to bomb.com the ugliest man on earth.

It’s like Gary Busey and Bif from BACK TO THE FUTURE had a hate orgy with Donatella Versace…

and the product was a baby named Mike Jeffries.

And I’m not just talking about his face–which, I totally could be. Mostly, this man is ugly on the inside.

By now we’ve all read his remarks. But just for the record, let me post them for you here:

That’s why we hire good-looking people in our stores. Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don’t market to anyone other than that.

In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely. Those companies that are in trouble are trying to target everybody: young, old, fat, skinny. But then you become totally vanilla. You don’t alienate anybody, but you don’t excite anybody, either.

Looks aside, because seriously, we all have our own cross to bear…WHO THE FUCK IS HE KIDDING?

You see, I have no problem with A&F having an exclusionary market. Many, many stores do. I do have a problem when A&F (and other stores) reducing their clothing sizes so that even average women can’t wear them. Believe it or not, I wear a large TShirt. A&F’s Large (even men’s large) is barely a medium.

This is why girls put such unrealistic goals on themselves and their natural body size/shape. A girl who is normally a size 10, thinks she’s supposed to be a size 8 or size 6 and is ashamed of herself for being “too big.” And let’s face it, since when should a size 10 be considered BIG? Holy crap!

And may the gods bless Ellen Degeneres who uses her beautiful size-tiny self and her beautiful humor to make the point that if we continue to allow the retailers to get away with subtracting sizes to make their clientele skinnier and more “cool” then what’s going to be next? Negative sizes? Are we going to be starving ourselves to get into a size -2? Just be happy and healthy with who you are. She’s funny. And she’s right.

Let me give you a personal example

Here are Marilyn Monroe’s measurements:

Height: 5 feet, 5½ inches
Weight: 140 pounds (the majority of her career)
Bust: 35-37 inches
Waist: 22-23 inches
Hips: 35-36 inches
Bra size: 36D

I will have you know, when I got married, these measurements were almost identical to mine. (my waist was a 26.) I was literaly  36-26-36

A perfect hourglass.

I was mortified because I thought I was fat. I was a size 10. Starving to get myself into a size 8. I was working out 7 days a week and struggling with everything in my body to try to get to 135 and stay there. (Because 140 was fat)

And this is what NO girl should ever have to go through. I was in my 20s and still struggled with it. Imagine being 14…and not having the emotional stability or the wherewithal to handle this type of pressure.

What’s the point of all this? We need to teach our children to love themselves for who they are. We need to teach ourselves the same thing. And we all need to learn that there is beauty in every size and we have got to stop letting the retailers and morons like Mike Jeffries tell us that fat kids aren’t cool. Because that ain’t cool, Dude.

If you’re beautiful on the inside, you’re beautiful on the outside. If you’re not, no clothing in the world is gonna help you, no matter what size you are.

Mike Jeffries needs to sit his “cool” ass down on a therapy couch and try to fix his inside parts before he starts throwing stones at us ugly, uncool, fat folks.

gray rainbows and dying unicorns.

When my daddy was teaching me to drive, one of the things he drilled into my head was that other people can’t drive, so I had to always drive defensively. In other words, watch out for the idiots on the road.

Today, I was the defensive driving queen. And I also did a whole lotta yelling. (btw, according to my #1 kid (in birth order, not preference), I’m very funny when I’m filled with road rage)

Do you know why there are early morning traffic jams near on ramps? BECAUSE THE IDIOTS ON THE ACCELERATION RAMP DON’T ACCELERATE. THEY STOP. AND THEY CAUSE THE REST OF THE TRAFFIC TO STOP SO THEY CAN GET OFF THE RAMP AND INTO TRAFFIC. Dudes. Merging is not an art. It’s common sense. And if you don’t have the common sense to merge, then please get off the road.

Black ice. It is the devil. I hate it. It’s scary, especially if you have to put your brakes on because traffic is stopping and in your path is a big patch of it. And you better hope that you don’t have to stop ON the ice because that won’t happen.

So why, oh why are all these people driving too fast for conditions and then slamming on their brakes and almost slamming into me? Why oh, why do they act like that’s my fault as they try to buy me a new bumper. Or buy me a new driver’s side door? Yes, I’m responsible for your idiot ways. It’s all me. I’m magic like that.

My wit was super witty this morning. It was filled with awesome and verve. It made my kids simultaneously laugh and cry. My road rage filled the air with black smoke tinged with hate and venom and all the unicorns became sick and the rainbows became colorless.

Gray rainbows are so depressing. As are dying unicorns.

So I’m currently working on ways to end my rage-filled mood. My first idea was soundly rejected. It had something to do with El Jefe jumping into his truck and driving 3.25 hours to bring me one of his Bloody Marys. You think I was asking too much? C’mon! My rage is killing unicorns!

Fine. Let the unicorns die. See if I care…

Okay, I care. I think I’ll just go to Damn You Auto Correct and read until I laugh away the rage. That always seems to work.

When the color returns to the rainbows, and the unicorns begin to frolick again, remember to thank me.

I’m judging you

Okay, I’m not generally a judgy-mcjudgington. I don’t care who you’re sleeping with, where you buy your clothes, if you leave dishes in your sink or have enough dog hair on your floor to weave a rug. It doesn’t matter to me if you believe in/worship God, Dog, Karma, The Universe, Buddah, Brangelina, The Kardashians, or Jim Jones. I almost don’t care what your politics are (I am slightly judging you here. I’m working on that.)

However, if you do any of the things listed below…I’m totally judging you. Because this is when your choices are infringing on me in one respect or another. And let’s face it, this is my blog, so it’s all about me.

Unless you’re physically injured or handicapped, you better not be taking the elevator just one floor. I mean it. Do you know how ridiculous it is for me to travel from floor 12–thinking I’m going to make it all the way to floor 1–only to be stopped on floor 2 because some Mr. Lazy-pants didn’t feel like taking the stairs? Yeah, I’m rolling my eyes at you when you step on the elevator because I’m judging you. If you don’t like it, take the stairs.

When you refuse to put the shopping cart in the cart corral, I’m judging you. And possibly I’m confronting your uber lazy ass as well. Yes, I’m the cart Nazi. Just walk the 3 spaces over and replace the cart. C’mon. You know you can do it. Rain is rarely an excuse. There’s always an exception but my guess is, if you’re reading this blog, the exception doesn’t apply to you.

If your hair has it’s own zip code? Yes, I’m judging you. This goes for all you Bump-It wearers. If I feel the desire to mail your hair a letter, there is a problem. I had big hair once–between the years of 1988 & 1992. If I see your bangs and suddenly start singing a Poison song, you need a new stylist.

If your jeans come to or over your belly button, and/or taper at the ankle, you bet your sweet Chic-jeans I’m judging you. Mom called, she wants her jeans back. And while you’re at it, return those white Keds to her, too. Thanks.

If you’re reading this and can see yourself in any of these examples, well, you know what to do…

on the road again

I’ve been traveling a lot lately. First, Sockmonkey and I went to Florida for 10 days. Which was Teh Awesome. We were home 1 week before I had to drive to Oxford for a few house showings.

The showings were positive, but no offer.

Last week, we had more calls, so I went to Oxford again. Another positive showing but no offer.

This week, we took the plunge, marked the house down to FIRE SALE price and now I’ll be going back to Oxford on Friday…for what I hope will be the final weekend as Oxford homeowners.

So I’ve noticed a very scary trend while traveling lately. The route I drive from Little Rock to Oxford is trucker heavy. And I drive a little bitty Honda Civic hatchback. I feel like a mouse among elephants when I’m on the road.

Imagine how scary it is when I pass an 18-wheeler only to see that the driver is talking on a cell phone. Not using a bluetooth earpiece. Nope. On the cell phone.

I started counting on my drive home Monday. I counted 23 truckers talking on their phone. 23! Can someone tell me what is wrong with that picture? Yeah. Scary stuff.

Dear Truckers, get a bluethooth earpiece or get off the damn road. kthxbai.

For today’s election post:

Have you checked your facts today? (links for information on both campaigns, not just the for the candidate I’m voting for)

  1. Palin’s Energy Claims
  2. Obama campaign belittling Palin
  3. Misleading information re: McCain’s School Funding record
  4. Twisting FactCheck.org’s findings

And for a completely biased opinion…please check out my friend, Gabrielle’s blog and my rant comment. Yes, I was feeling super passionate this morning. And yeah, there’s no question which side of the red/blue line I’m standing in this election.