Tag Archives: awesome casserole

you say it’s your birthday…

Posted on by
Reply

It’s my birthday too, yeah. Happy Birthday to ME! For my birthday, I offer you another Dirty Little Mel Secret. I have a vault full of them, but I have found it is more fun to open that vault every once in a while, as opposed to just opening up like a $2 hooker. So, in honor of my birthday, I offer you a gift.

Mel’s White Trash Crushes Top Three

1. Eminem: The man is fine. I don’t care if he’s the real slim shady or not. He can slim my shady…or shady my slim. Whatever. The man is purebred skanky fine.

2. Kid Rock: You can say whatever you want about this man, but there is something strangely sexy about Kid Rock. He has a great voice, and a great bod and some fantastic tattoos (which, I’ll admit, I have a huge weakness for) and frankly, I’d do him. Twice. Sober. With my own vagina.

3. Johnny Knoxville: I had a real hard time putting him on the White Trash list, but frankly, he hosted Jackass for WAYTOOFUCKING LONG. There is no way you can’t consider the host of Jackass as White Trash. But he’s so fine he makes my toes curl just saying his name. And I fell in love with him twice after watching him in Walking Tall. Why? You ask…Because he was in that movie with The Rock…and man, did I have some fun fantasies that night. And those fantasies included me being the cream filling between a Rock/Knoxville Manwich. They could do some nasty dirty things to me and I would ask for more. Seriously, I’m a-twitter with anticipation about my dreams tonight. Mmmmmm. Manwich. My favorite meal.

So those are my top three…but, in the spirit of research, I asked a few friends who their White Trash crushes would be. (I had a few more folks on my list and I wanted to see how they measured up)

4. Tommy Lee: Okay, I have determined (scientifically of course) that if you’ve ever been married to Pamela Anderson, you are automatically qualified for the White Trash Crush list. And I’ll admit during my heavy metal years, I got wet over Tommy Lee. I love me some drummers. I only dated drummers for a while (not kidding) and if Tommy Lee would’ve ever looked at me with his hot little wiry tattooed self, I would’ve volunteered to have his babies. Or at least practice with him. And look at that Happy Trail. Admit it…you’d practice with Tommy, too.

5. Bret Michaels: Every Rose Has its Thorn…and every shithead has his own reality tv show. Yet, I find him strangely HOT. Why? Somebody help me! It’s the tattoos. And the hair. And the hat. And those awesome abs. Sigh. I’m hopelessly committed to the trailer park, aren’t I?

6. Colin Farrell: As a friend of mine ( who is not a high-class hooker) said—the man is fine but he would f*ck a dead donkey. Yeah. He makes the list. But he really is fine…

I apparently really have a thing for hair and tattoos. Go figure.

So, who would you add to the list? Do you have a white trash crush? Go ahead, we’re friends here. Nobody’s judging you. (No really, I promise.) Unless you drink white zinfandel. Then we’re probably judging you a little.

birthday week, day four!

Posted on by
Reply

Today, I’m going to discuss some of my favorite things. Cartoons.

But not just any old cartoons. Nay.

Special cartoons that should’ve never been cancelled. Ever. And I’m not talking about Roadrunner or Popeye or Tom and Jerry or any of that crap. I’m talking about innovative, funny, and smart cartoons that walk the line between kid and adult. Innuendo is our friend.

1. Aaagh! Real Monsters
If you didn’t see this cartoon, you truly missed out on a treat. This show was only on the air for 4 years, but they were 4 brilliant years. The cartoon followed three fledgling monsters in training, Oblina, Krumm, and Ickis. They attended a school below the city dump and when they had a scare assignment, they would go to the surface (oftentimes traveling through the sewer). The Headmaster’s name was The Gromble and I believe he may have been the first (the only?) cross-dressing cartoon character on Nickelodeon. (Tranny! Hot Mess.)

2. Rocko’s Modern Life
How could you not love a cartoon that followed the life of a wallaby who’s best friend was a cow raised by wolves? Guess what the cow’s name was? Heifer Wolfe. Oh yeah. Awesome.

3. Ren and Stimpy
Fishdog and I dated to Ren and Stimpy, so of course I have a soft spot in my heart for this show. I still quote the show as well. “Stimpy, you eeeeeediot.” “Happy, happy, Joy, Joy!” and of course, one of my favorite ditties (sang to the “Slinky” commercial tune


What rolls down stairs alone or in pairs

Rolls over your neighbor's dog?

What's great for a snack and fits on your back?

It's Log, Log, Log!

It's Log, Log, it's big, it's heavy, it's wood.

It's Log, Log, it's better than bad, it's good!

Everyone wants a log! You're gonna love it, Log!

Come on and get your log! Everyone needs a Log!"

4. Pinky and the Brain
How can you not love a cartoon that spawned witticisms such as these?
Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?
Pinky: I think so, Brain. If they called them sad meals, nobody would buy them.
Brain: Moo. We are a cow. Take us to China.
Pinky: Narf!

Pinky: What are we going to do tonight, Brain?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world.

5. The Angry Beavers
First of all, the title itself is just a winner. Secondly, how fun is it following the lives of two beaver brothers, Norbert and Daggett aka Daggy Waggy? The brothers beave left their parents to live the life of bachelor beavers in the woods. There was a great cast of characters, including a bear, a stump, and a hippy Beaver named Treeflower (she was Norbert’s love interest)

The show was cancelled not long after a parent emailed Nickelodeon to complain that Norbert told Dag to shut up in an episode. Yeah, cuz brothers never do that! If you can find these on DVD, do not pass go until you buy them. Best. Show. Ever.

6. Beavis and Butthead
Really? Did you really think I wouldn’t miss this show? Yes, I’m easily entertained. Whatever. Loved this show.
“I’m Cornholio! Need TP for my bunghole!”

‘Nuf said.

Are there any cartoons you really miss? Did you guys watch any of these or am I the only sadly demented one in the world?

couldn’t make this up.

Posted on by
Reply

Yesterday, I got all my paperwork together and made the trek to the DMV. My plan was to finally get my Arkansas car tags (which had woefully expired back in November. Shhhhh.) and my Arkansas drivers license. Well, I got my new plates, but the DL will have to wait another day. Even though I had done my research, apparently they haven’t updated their information on the internet. You can no longer use your SS card as a 2nd form of ID. Passport or Birth Cert only. Thanks, Homeland Security!

Anyway, I drive up to the DMV and see a police car and I think please don’t let him see my woefully expired tags. I park and start to get out of my van when I realize something isn’t quite right. Um, there is a car where the DMV walls used to be. I think, hmmmm, this is sure an extreme way to show kids that drinkin’ and drivin’ is uncool.

But that isn’t what they were doing.

No.

Some poor little old lady missed the brakes and punched the gas, launching her Dodge 300C over a 6 inch embankment, into the DMV. Nobody was hurt, but apparently a lady did an awesome Jason Bourne move over the counter to avoid getting hit.

But wait! There’s more!

So, it’s still business as usual inside the DMV. Of course, cell phones are snapping pictures a plenty. I took 3 pics, but can’t get them to download, so you’ll have to live with the picture from the paper for now.

I walk in, get my number, sit and wait. And that’s when I hear the following conversation:

Lady: I still need to get my drivers license renewed. Do you think I can still do that?
Me: uncontrollable laughter. (Oh, honey. You do know you just drove your car into the DMV. Right?)
Cop: Ma’am I think you have a little more on your plate to worry about right now. Let’s just get through this, okay?
Lady: But my license expires Friday.
Me: more giggles (this shit writes itself!)
Cop: Yes, ma’am.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I wanted to just wrap that woman up in a big ol’ hug. She was obviously in shock. But c’mon. You know that’s the funniest thing ever. That conversation was an Awesome Casserole. If I had written that in a book, nobody would believe it.