Remember a long time ago, way back last weekend when we backed it up like a Tonka Truck with a load of gravel? Me, the boys & El Jefe worked our asses off. We raked, shoveled, tamped, & spread for damn near the entire weekend.
And the end result was beautiful:
So imagine my utter horror and dismay last night when my mother calls to tell me that some drunk asshole took the curve at warp speed, missed it entirely, AND TOOK OUT MY BRAND NEW FUCKING EFFING DRIVEWAY.
El Jefe was all “Do you wanna go home and check it out?” and I was leaning toward YES when I got my first text from my brother with pictures.
And then I was all “Hell no because I would pick up a shovel and beat that man down with it. IN FRONT OF THE COPS.” (because I’m hard like that) Frankly, I’m not cut out for jail time and even though his murder would have been totally justified in redneck court, I couldn’t take the chance.
BTW, the asshole had LUMPY on his tailgate. Yeah. LUMPY. I’m thinking he had a few lumps after he hit my culvert and left pieces of his truck in my yard. He also told the police he’d just been at the tattoo parlor. I’m guess he’d gotten quite loaded before he got his brand new LUMPY tattoo over his heart. And you know what? Today is Wine Wednesday and I can’t even go. WHICH MAKES ME HAVE A SAD.
Grumble. Grumble. Piss and Moan. Somebody say something funny or cast a spell of awesome on me or put a hex on Lumpy. C’mon. Make today better…
BTW, my Bachelorette Episode 6 Recap is up at HDJM. Bentley the Super Douche returned on Monday and I recorded it all in its douchetastic glory.
Bitchin' Fiction: Musings by author Melissa McKenzie / Melissa Francis 