And yes, if more than one of these things applies to you, then I am talking to you. Directly. This is a Facebook rant. You’ve been warned.
- I get it. There’s a Royal Baby. But GeeDee…don’t act like Kate Middleton is the only woman ever to give birth. I mean, I know it seems odd to think about it, but that cheeky wench, Queen Elizabeth? She had babies, too. And so did Diana. And every other royal vagina before them. So stop acting like this baby is the 2nd coming of Christ.
- You know those Facebook memes “Like if you hate cancer” or “Like if you think this girl is beautiful” or “Like if you wish pedophiles didn’t exist and if you don’t like we know how you really feel” OMG. Just. Stop. That shit is almost worse than VagueBooking. We all hate cancer. We all think child abuse sucks. We all think the poor girl with a birthmark covering her face is beautiful. What isn’t beautiful is the desperate plea for “likes.”
- Also stop doing this: “Repost if you believe in God. I know most of you won’t.” Shut up. Religion is supposed to be personal and PRIVATE. And this latest trend of guilting people into proclaiming their love for god is just plain assholery.
- Also, stop doing this: “Let’s see how many of you read my status. I know it’s probably only 4 of you so here goes. Leave a comment with one word describing _________ and then repost this status to your page.” Stop telling me what to do and trying to drum up attention. If you want more comments, be funnier. Or original. Or talk politics, that always gets ’em going.
- If you need help deciding what else you grown ups should stop doing on Facebook, read this: 5 Things You Need to Stop Doing on Facebook Right Now. I’d like to call your attention to “4. Stop communicating with your spouse on Facebook. Have you no conscience? Unless you and your spouse live on opposite sides of the planet—no, even then. Even if you do, you have no excuse to share things on Facebook with the person you’re married to. You should be wishing them a “happy anniversary” privately, instead of us
ing your special day as an excuse to let all your single friends know how much happier you are than them. If you feel suddenly overwhelmed by the need to tell your spouse just how lucky you are to have them in your life, consider whispering this information in their ear instead of co-opting their wall. Open up a damn email and send your spouse a private link to whatever video of an otter playing with a rock is unmissable today. Then post the same video on Facebook if you must. Just don’t mix the two.” I’d like to add that it’s one thing to post a funny to their page or what not. It’s another thing to post pics of y’all making out and spewing cheesy love shit all over a public forum. Probably when you’re sitting right next to each other. Nobody’s buying it. Trust me. It’s obvious you need the world to believe you’re happy and so in love so you’re overcompensating. Those of us who are actually in love, we’re saying those things privately. (and oftentimes, nekkidly.) - VagueBooking. Like I said earlier, if you need attention, then find yourself a personality. Be original. Be funny. But don’t be attention seeking. Example: “Sometimes it’s just not worth the effort. Sigh.” Really? What isn’t worth the effort? Breathing? Here’s a pillow. Put it over your face. Is it hard being human? Is it hard being a mom? A dad? Is it hard being pretty every day? WTF are you talking about? And stop with this “Inbox me” crap. Either just come out and play your drama out online or don’t. But stop being an attention-seeking hooker.
- If you invite controversy by ending your blanket statement with “I just don’t get it” or “Somebody please explain it to me” and then someone takes an opposite stance of you, remember, YOU INVITED IT. Don’t get pissy because people may disagree with you and don’t feel attacked when you’re the one who started it.
Here are things you can do on Facebook that will make people (and yourself) forever happy.
- Be funny
- Be original
- Don’t take life too seriously. It’s Facebook, not real life
- Drunk Facebook (as long as you have a personality and as long as you aren’t one of those whiny drunks)
- Have a good time.
- Don’t take shit so personally. I use hashtags because I instagram a lot. I have a friend who hates hashtags and bitches about them all the time. Who cares? Good for her. She has the right to her Facebook status and I have the right to my #hashtags.
- Hide people who you like but you don’t like their constant updates. I have people who hide me. It’s okay. It’s Facebook, not real life. I hide all my Jesusy Preachy Friends because it’s Facebook, not church. And religion is private. I’m pretty sure Jesus isn’t sitting in Heaven giving people a +1 every time they quote the bible out of context.
There you go. Melf’s helpful hints for a Happier Facebook life. You’re welcome. (RAINBOW STARS….the more you know…)
In Camp Compound Bootay’s Bootyliciousness news: I walked 1.5 miles at lunch yesterday and did 20 minutes of HIIT workout focusing on legs and arms. Then I did 300 different crunches.
Yep. I’m a little sore today. But that’s alright. I kinda like the pain.
Bitchin' Fiction: Musings by author Melissa McKenzie / Melissa Francis 
So funny!! And true! FB is just teaching people how to be even more shallow and narcissistic.
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It’s also making people dumber. It amazes me what people think is okay to post. If you wouldn’t say it in real life to someone, probably you shouldn’t post it in Facebook life. Also, I think people are just forgetting how to interact in real life. It’s so weird.
I love facebook. But I use it strictly for entertainment. Every once in a while I have a bit too much wine and proclaim that I still have a crush on El Jefe after 3 years (ahem, Saturday night) but I don’t post every little kiss, moment, smile, hug, gift, or sweet thing he says or does. We’d never actually do those things anymore because I’d be spending so much time updating Facebook! LOL
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Yes. I think you’re right – it is hurting our social skills. People do seem to post whatever the flip comes to mind without regard to its personal or offensive nature. But as you said-it makes for good entertainment!
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OMG…………..FINALLY!!!!!!!!!! I love the meme that has a doctor with his head in his hands and it reads something like “COME ON Facebook…….4 more likes and I can save this little girls life” HAHAHAHA I love Jesus and my mom but I dont have to prove it by liking a picture that says “like if you would save your mom from this burning house” I like to banter with my friends……I probably post too much about gay rights and/or the war on womens rights (because YES the Republicans DO want to legislate YOUR vagina and if I wanted a Republican congressman in my vag I would have an affair with one GOD knows they are having them left and right then bitching about the immorality of others sex lives). I probably post too much about my kid and his complete adorableness or that I sometimes want to sell him to the Gypsies but dammit if I have an issue I talk to my friends, we hash it out, came up with solutions then I move the fuck ON and we do ALL that in REAL LIFE in the privacy of one of our homes (or possibly at a restaurant over cocktails but nobody around us gives a shit what we are talking about). As we all know I dont have a significant other and to be honest right now Im pretty damned glad about that BUT if I did two things: I would spend LESS time on FB and more time WITH them and I would tell them to their FACE how appreciated and loved they are……….nobody on FB gives a shit or needs to know that the person I am involved with DOES. Its only necessary to proclaim your WONDERFUL PERFECT OH SO FAIRY TAIL life if its is total and utter horse shit behind closed doors. Whats the old saying? Fake it til you make it! Sounds good in theory but the reality is if your home life sucks, chances are nothing will change until you make some changes or seek counseling! ** END RANT** Thank you for letting me vent…………..that felt fucking AWESOME
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I know, Right? I think the Royal Baby shit just put me over the edge yesterday. I know it’s a big event, but it’s not really something we need to devote all our time on. Unless they named him Prince Foxy Cleopatra don’t care about any of it.
I will say, I love the idea that Jesus cares about what you post on Facebook so much that he’s giving bonus points for those who ‘do not forsake him’. Ugh. If he does exists, I’m pretty sure he’s more concerned about our starving children and human rights than he is about Facebook.
And I know I post a lot and I know I can be overwhelming, but mostly, I’m just doing it for fun. I don’t want the world to know everything Jeff and I say to each other or about the gifts or the cards or the intimate moments. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE INTIMATE. Ugh. I might check us in on the couch watching a movie, or hanging out at the compound, but I can’t imagine posting anything other than a funny to his wall. “I love you honey.” Whatever. If you have to say it on their FB page and they live in the same house with you, something ain’t right.
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Yes since becoming a recovering Catholic Ive learned that whats really important is loving God, loving others, and loving yourself. Im pretty sure God knows I love him regardless if I like that meme that says I have to or I will die a fiery death, and I try to love people I really dont even want to love, and Im sure working on loving me. FB doesnt make me or not make me a good Christian. My behavior and actions in real life do. I swear on all that is holy if I started dating someone who put a bunch of sappy shit on my FB I would have to dump him its STUPID. OH wait…………BD did do that and guess what? He was pushing me down and yelling obscenities at me and calling me horrible names. So yea……….who was he trying to convince? Appearances were everything to him regardless of how awful our actual lives were he wanted everyone to think it was perfect! GAG
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Well, it is the “perception” that matters, you know…
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Clearly. I mean I have a perfect child, perfect home, all the money I need and I am so smoking hot I can hardly stand myself………….Im so thin and beautiful I amaze myself and others on a daily basis
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Would you please post another picture of yourself making out with your boyfriend/husband/girlfriend/lover? Please? Because EVERYONE loves seeing old fuckers kiss. Especially their kids. (not that you’re old…) hahahahhaha
I’ve got to stop. Seriously. But, but, maybe one day, a few of my worst offenders will stop. Or unfriend me. heh
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Pretty sure your worst offenders have already been unfriended by you. I doubt seriously you could tolerate that longer than two days. Yes I will promptly post a picture of me and a dude mugging down. Matter of fact I will make it my profile picture so each time I comment on your stuff you have to look at the tongue action
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You are a true friend.
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Its because I love you. You are the light of my life, I have no idea where I would be without you. Im such a lucky girl. Im going to post a picture of the trucker hat you got me for my birthday because its so specials to me and so expensive I hope all our other friends are jealous of it because it shows you love me the most
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We totally share a brain…which scares the shit out of me. LIKE IF YOU AGREE!
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*LIKE*
Do you feel validated now, Huggy Bear? xoxo
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One thing I probably should have added to the blog is this: If you’re genuine in your posts, then it doesn’t really matter what anyone says. I do have a couple of friends who are ooey gooey together, but they live separately a lot of the time and that’s what they do. But those couples who continually post on each others’ wall while living under the same roof? They aren’t being genuine–they’re trying to be show offs. It’s one thing to wish a happy birthday or to thank him or her for being awesome on occasion, but if you do it all the time…well, it just seems that you only care about what others think of you. And that’s just not genuine. However, if you read this blog and get offended by something, then probably you do it too much and you know it, but you feel the need to defend yourself because you’re so worried people my perceive you as something other than you are. OH NO. What will people think? You know what? Who cares?
My friend Christina totally raised her hand and admitted she’s all about Vaguebooking. and I love her anyway. LOL
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Here is a novel idea……….if you read this blog and are offended STOP READING IT……….nobody is making you. If the like minded people on this blog and comment section are offensive, go read a blog about people who LOVE telling their spouse every 30 seconds that they are SO in love and shit. Lets be honest here…….I read your blog because it makes me laugh and its generally something thats crossed my mind (except for all that exercise shit you know Im not doing THAT) once or twice and it makes me giggle that you say it out loud!
Its just like I said about my ex posting that kind of shit on my wall…………he was screaming and yelling at me on a nightly basis ……….. so much so the police would be called by the people in the house next door YET my child slept through it because thats what he knew. Thats why I got my kid OUT of that situation before he turned 2. It is NOT a good example of a relationship BUT if you asked any of our friends they thought we were blissfully happy because he tried so hard to cover what was really going on and part of that cover was the “you are so amazing, I thank God for you and Laken every day” post on my wall which were BULLSHIT
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Hey, don’t hate on my workout! LOL Haters always hatin’.
Ugh. and now I hate myself for having written that.
Yes. You’re right. The point is, if you always feel opposite of me or don’t get any value from reading my words or my opinion, then why would you put yourself through the daily torture of reading my blog? Also, this blog is about me and my feelings and no one else…but funny how some people think everything is about them. *sigh*
I am beating a dead horse. Now it’s a deader horse. What can I talk about tomorrow? Hmmmm. Maybe I’ll post about the fantastic sex I’m planning to have tonight since the house will be ours…Oh wait, that would be gross. Okay, I know, I’ll just post a picture of my Jefe half naked in the moonlight. That way y’all will “get the picture.” No wonder so many kids don’t wanna be friends with their parents on Facebook.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE??
Okay, the deader horse is now the deadest. LOL
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OMG I cant WAIT to embarrass Laken with smutty pictures of mommy’s next boyfriend! So klassy!
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I’d like to respond with just ‘YES’ to all.
But especially the married couple thing. Nobody wants to see it and nobody believes you’re really meaning it if you’re sharing it on facebook. That’s what kids do. not adults. grow up. if your’e really happy, it shows. but if you’re trying prove how happy you are, then it looks really pathetic.
thanks for posting this. too many supposed adults post this crap and it really is annoying. and gross. especially the kissing posts. and they;re doing it on instagram too which is almost worst.
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Hi teen reader! Thanks for popping in!
Good grief. I don’t want to see that on instagram! Is no place sacred on the internet? I’m just gonna stick to my hammock, ruby, wine, and coffee pictures. Thank you very much.
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Yep Laken, Bella, wine and occasional awesome home cooked masterpieces………..thats all I got
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