stop being so annoying people! she said with a smile…

BlogFBMistakesAnd yes, if more than one of these things applies to you, then I am talking to you. Directly. This is a Facebook rant. You’ve been warned.

    1. I get it. There’s a Royal Baby. But GeeDee…don’t act like Kate Middleton is the only woman ever to give birth. I mean, I know it seems odd to think about it, but that cheeky wench, Queen Elizabeth? She had babies, too. And so did Diana. And every other royal vagina before them. So stop acting like this baby is the 2nd coming of Christ.
    2. You know those Facebook memes “Like if you hate cancer” or “Like if you think this girl is beautiful” or “Like if you wish pedophiles didn’t exist and if you don’t like we know how you really feel” OMG. Just. Stop. That shit is almost worse than VagueBooking. We all hate cancer. We all think child abuse sucks. We all think the poor girl with a birthmark covering her face is beautiful. What isn’t beautiful is the desperate plea for “likes.”
    3. Also stop doing this: “Repost if you believe in God. I know most of you won’t.” Shut up. Religion is supposed to be personal and PRIVATE. And this latest trend of guilting people into proclaiming their love for god is just plain assholery.
    4. Also, stop doing this: “Let’s see how many of you read my status. I know it’s probably only 4 of you so here goes. Leave a comment with one word describing _________ and then repost this status to your page.” Stop telling me what to do and trying to drum up attention. If you want more comments, be funnier. Or original. Or talk politics, that always gets ’em going.
    5. If you need help deciding what else you grown ups should stop doing on Facebook, read this: 5 Things You Need to Stop Doing on Facebook Right Now. I’d like to call your attention to  4. Stop communicating with your spouse on Facebook. Have you no conscience? Unless you and your spouse live on opposite sides of the planet—no, even then. Even if you do, you have no excuse to share things on Facebook with the person you’re married to. You should be wishing them a “happy anniversary” privately, instead of uskeepcalming your special day as an excuse to let all your single friends know how much happier you are than them. If you feel suddenly overwhelmed by the need to tell your spouse just how lucky you are to have them in your life, consider whispering this information in their ear instead of co-opting their wall. Open up a damn email and send your spouse a private link to whatever video of an otter playing with a rock is unmissable today. Then post the same video on Facebook if you must. Just don’t mix the two.” I’d like to add that it’s one thing to post a funny to their page or what not. It’s another thing to post pics of y’all making out and spewing cheesy love shit all over a public forum. Probably when you’re sitting right next to each other. Nobody’s buying it. Trust me. It’s obvious you need the world to believe you’re happy and so in love so you’re overcompensating. Those of us who are actually in love, we’re saying those things privately. (and oftentimes, nekkidly.)
    6. VagueBooking. Like I said earlier, if you need attention, then find yourself a personality. Be original. Be funny. But don’t be attention seeking. Example:  “Sometimes it’s just not worth the effort. Sigh.”  Really? What isn’t worth the effort? Breathing? Here’s a pillow. Put it over your face. Is it hard being human? Is it hard being a mom? A dad? Is it hard being pretty every day? WTF are you talking about? And stop with this “Inbox me” crap. Either just come out and play your drama out online or don’t. But stop being an attention-seeking hooker.
    7. If you invite controversy by ending your blanket statement with “I just don’t get it” or “Somebody please explain it to me” and then someone takes an opposite stance of you, remember, YOU INVITED IT. Don’t get pissy because people may disagree with you and don’t feel attacked when you’re the one who started it.

Here are things you can do on Facebook that will make people (and yourself) forever happy.

  1. Be funny
  2. Be original
  3. Don’t take life too seriously. It’s Facebook, not real life
  4. Drunk Facebook (as long as you have a personality and as long as you aren’t one of those whiny drunks)
  5. Have a good time.
  6. Don’t take shit so personally. I use hashtags because I instagram a lot. I have a friend who hates hashtags and bitches about them all the time. Who cares? Good for her. She has the right to her Facebook status and I have the right to my #hashtags.
  7. Hide people who you like but you don’t like their constant updates. I have people who hide me. It’s okay. It’s Facebook, not real life. I hide all my Jesusy Preachy Friends because it’s Facebook, not church. And religion is private. I’m pretty sure Jesus isn’t sitting in Heaven giving people a +1 every time they quote the bible out of context.

There you go. Melf’s helpful hints for a Happier Facebook life. You’re welcome. (RAINBOW STARS….the more you know…)

In Camp Compound Bootay’s Bootyliciousness news: I walked 1.5 miles at lunch yesterday and did 20 minutes of HIIT workout focusing on legs and arms. Then I did 300 different crunches.

Yep. I’m a little sore today. But that’s alright. I kinda like the pain.

weighing in

I have resisted this topic as long as possible. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m furious. And I’m ready to bomb.com the ugliest man on earth.

It’s like Gary Busey and Bif from BACK TO THE FUTURE had a hate orgy with Donatella Versace…


and the product was a baby named Mike Jeffries.

And I’m not just talking about his face–which, I totally could be. Mostly, this man is ugly on the inside.

By now we’ve all read his remarks. But just for the record, let me post them for you here:

That’s why we hire good-looking people in our stores. Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don’t market to anyone other than that.

In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely. Those companies that are in trouble are trying to target everybody: young, old, fat, skinny. But then you become totally vanilla. You don’t alienate anybody, but you don’t excite anybody, either.

Looks aside, because seriously, we all have our own cross to bear…WHO THE FUCK IS HE KIDDING?

You see, I have no problem with A&F having an exclusionary market. Many, many stores do. I do have a problem when A&F (and other stores) reducing their clothing sizes so that even average women can’t wear them. Believe it or not, I wear a large TShirt. A&F’s Large (even men’s large) is barely a medium.

This is why girls put such unrealistic goals on themselves and their natural body size/shape. A girl who is normally a size 10, thinks she’s supposed to be a size 8 or size 6 and is ashamed of herself for being “too big.” And let’s face it, since when should a size 10 be considered BIG? Holy crap!

And may the gods bless Ellen Degeneres who uses her beautiful size-tiny self and her beautiful humor to make the point that if we continue to allow the retailers to get away with subtracting sizes to make their clientele skinnier and more “cool” then what’s going to be next? Negative sizes? Are we going to be starving ourselves to get into a size -2? Just be happy and healthy with who you are. She’s funny. And she’s right.

Let me give you a personal example

Here are Marilyn Monroe’s measurements:

Height: 5 feet, 5½ inches
Weight: 140 pounds (the majority of her career)
Bust: 35-37 inches
Waist: 22-23 inches
Hips: 35-36 inches
Bra size: 36D

I will have you know, when I got married, these measurements were almost identical to mine. (my waist was a 26.) I was literaly  36-26-36

A perfect hourglass.

I was mortified because I thought I was fat. I was a size 10. Starving to get myself into a size 8. I was working out 7 days a week and struggling with everything in my body to try to get to 135 and stay there. (Because 140 was fat)

And this is what NO girl should ever have to go through. I was in my 20s and still struggled with it. Imagine being 14…and not having the emotional stability or the wherewithal to handle this type of pressure.

What’s the point of all this? We need to teach our children to love themselves for who they are. We need to teach ourselves the same thing. And we all need to learn that there is beauty in every size and we have got to stop letting the retailers and morons like Mike Jeffries tell us that fat kids aren’t cool. Because that ain’t cool, Dude.

If you’re beautiful on the inside, you’re beautiful on the outside. If you’re not, no clothing in the world is gonna help you, no matter what size you are.

Mike Jeffries needs to sit his “cool” ass down on a therapy couch and try to fix his inside parts before he starts throwing stones at us ugly, uncool, fat folks.

un-in-spired

I’m just not feeling it today. Still kinda Meh. I think I’ve figured out what’s wrong with me, and trust me, it’s no fun.

So instead of whining and carrying on like a little bitch, I thought I would link you to some fun posts from the past.

Am I Part Leprechaun?   May 8, 2009

Flamingos, Sock Monkeys, Four-Leaf Clovers OH MY! April 15, 2010

Monkey See, Monkey Play June 9, 2011

things and stuffs and things  June 14, 2011

Month of Mel 2012: Day 13 March 13, 2012

Go forth…read some of my past thoughts. See what makes Melf smile and then somebody do something to make me smile today, because the god of your choice knows I could use it.

/whining like a little bitch.

Oh. My.

You know how when you make plans and then Karma throws a wrench at you and you can’t dodge it? Sigh. Yeah. (I swear I could dodge a ball, though! I swear it!)

My brakes are grinding to a halt. So today I’ll be spending a half-a-million-billion dollars to have them fixed. You know why? Because I finally had a little padding in my checking account. IT ALWAYS HAPPENS THIS WAY.  Screw you, Karma. I’ve paid my debt plus interest. Go away.

Sorry. I really hate being negative. I hate it. I’m around it all the time at work and sometimes it seeps into my otherwise awesome and sparkly disposition.

Okay, I’m done now. I will not drown in my own pity party. It’s not like it changes things anyway…it just makes me no fun.

And you know, I’m all about the fun. and Sparkle. I need some sparkle. or a sparkler.

In news of the AWESOME variety…El Jefe and I will be sitting in the same room with Mr. Sulu tonight!

That’s right! George Takei in in Little Rock and will be giving a lecture for the Clinton School tonight and I’m totally gonna stalk him! I can’t wait. He’s so awesome.

I guess the silver lining to getting my brakes repaired today is that I get a half-day off to enjoy this beautiful weather. It’s gonna be 80 degree and sunny all day.

Oh. My. Indeed.