stop being so annoying people! she said with a smile…

BlogFBMistakesAnd yes, if more than one of these things applies to you, then I am talking to you. Directly. This is a Facebook rant. You’ve been warned.

    1. I get it. There’s a Royal Baby. But GeeDee…don’t act like Kate Middleton is the only woman ever to give birth. I mean, I know it seems odd to think about it, but that cheeky wench, Queen Elizabeth? She had babies, too. And so did Diana. And every other royal vagina before them. So stop acting like this baby is the 2nd coming of Christ.
    2. You know those Facebook memes “Like if you hate cancer” or “Like if you think this girl is beautiful” or “Like if you wish pedophiles didn’t exist and if you don’t like we know how you really feel” OMG. Just. Stop. That shit is almost worse than VagueBooking. We all hate cancer. We all think child abuse sucks. We all think the poor girl with a birthmark covering her face is beautiful. What isn’t beautiful is the desperate plea for “likes.”
    3. Also stop doing this: “Repost if you believe in God. I know most of you won’t.” Shut up. Religion is supposed to be personal and PRIVATE. And this latest trend of guilting people into proclaiming their love for god is just plain assholery.
    4. Also, stop doing this: “Let’s see how many of you read my status. I know it’s probably only 4 of you so here goes. Leave a comment with one word describing _________ and then repost this status to your page.” Stop telling me what to do and trying to drum up attention. If you want more comments, be funnier. Or original. Or talk politics, that always gets ’em going.
    5. If you need help deciding what else you grown ups should stop doing on Facebook, read this: 5 Things You Need to Stop Doing on Facebook Right Now. I’d like to call your attention to  4. Stop communicating with your spouse on Facebook. Have you no conscience? Unless you and your spouse live on opposite sides of the planet—no, even then. Even if you do, you have no excuse to share things on Facebook with the person you’re married to. You should be wishing them a “happy anniversary” privately, instead of uskeepcalming your special day as an excuse to let all your single friends know how much happier you are than them. If you feel suddenly overwhelmed by the need to tell your spouse just how lucky you are to have them in your life, consider whispering this information in their ear instead of co-opting their wall. Open up a damn email and send your spouse a private link to whatever video of an otter playing with a rock is unmissable today. Then post the same video on Facebook if you must. Just don’t mix the two.” I’d like to add that it’s one thing to post a funny to their page or what not. It’s another thing to post pics of y’all making out and spewing cheesy love shit all over a public forum. Probably when you’re sitting right next to each other. Nobody’s buying it. Trust me. It’s obvious you need the world to believe you’re happy and so in love so you’re overcompensating. Those of us who are actually in love, we’re saying those things privately. (and oftentimes, nekkidly.)
    6. VagueBooking. Like I said earlier, if you need attention, then find yourself a personality. Be original. Be funny. But don’t be attention seeking. Example:  “Sometimes it’s just not worth the effort. Sigh.”  Really? What isn’t worth the effort? Breathing? Here’s a pillow. Put it over your face. Is it hard being human? Is it hard being a mom? A dad? Is it hard being pretty every day? WTF are you talking about? And stop with this “Inbox me” crap. Either just come out and play your drama out online or don’t. But stop being an attention-seeking hooker.
    7. If you invite controversy by ending your blanket statement with “I just don’t get it” or “Somebody please explain it to me” and then someone takes an opposite stance of you, remember, YOU INVITED IT. Don’t get pissy because people may disagree with you and don’t feel attacked when you’re the one who started it.

Here are things you can do on Facebook that will make people (and yourself) forever happy.

  1. Be funny
  2. Be original
  3. Don’t take life too seriously. It’s Facebook, not real life
  4. Drunk Facebook (as long as you have a personality and as long as you aren’t one of those whiny drunks)
  5. Have a good time.
  6. Don’t take shit so personally. I use hashtags because I instagram a lot. I have a friend who hates hashtags and bitches about them all the time. Who cares? Good for her. She has the right to her Facebook status and I have the right to my #hashtags.
  7. Hide people who you like but you don’t like their constant updates. I have people who hide me. It’s okay. It’s Facebook, not real life. I hide all my Jesusy Preachy Friends because it’s Facebook, not church. And religion is private. I’m pretty sure Jesus isn’t sitting in Heaven giving people a +1 every time they quote the bible out of context.

There you go. Melf’s helpful hints for a Happier Facebook life. You’re welcome. (RAINBOW STARS….the more you know…)

In Camp Compound Bootay’s Bootyliciousness news: I walked 1.5 miles at lunch yesterday and did 20 minutes of HIIT workout focusing on legs and arms. Then I did 300 different crunches.

Yep. I’m a little sore today. But that’s alright. I kinda like the pain.

super stoked about Saturday’s #super moon!

Supermoon-430x430 moon-why-you-so-sexy-

We will be at a lovely estate on the Mississippi river enjoying Saturday’s Super Moon. We are definitely going to be looking out for E.T.SS_top_movies_ET

I will be basking in the glorious super moonlight. Looking like this:

devorssand this:

476512-bigthumbnailand y’all are going to be jealous Mo-Fos because you’re not with us. But don’t worry, we’ll be sure to have a grand time anyway. And you know I’ll take lots of pictures because I have a problem. I have an iPhone and I’m not afraid to point and click!

Today, it’s lunch and haircut with Rader. Then an appointment, then I’m off to finish laundry and pack so we can hit the road tonight when Jefe gets home from work. Aw. Yeah.

I don’t know if I’ll be updating the blog as we travel, but you never know! You can always check out my picture-trails from my instagram or facebook. Like I said, I have a problem. But I’m okay with it. I don’t need your approval to make me feel good about myself. (and if you find yourself in need of someone else’s approval to feel good, then you need to repeat after Stuart Smalley:)

“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!”


Honestly? What is wrong with people?

Look. I get it. There’s humor in everything. I can make fun of my State-sized ass. I can tease my skinny friends out of love and envy. I can take a joke… But I’m a grown-ass woman who is comfortable in her skin.

What I can’t take is people being mean. Just mean. Because kids see it and they take that shit to heart. Especially young girls.

Yesterday I was looking for motivational stuff on pinterest and humorous e-cards and I came across this and I nearly had a stroke.

“inner beauty is for fat people”

First off, fuck you.

Secondly, I know some people of all shapes and sizes that need a dose of inner beauty. Size does not matter.

But most importantly. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE SOMETHING LIKE THIS? There are teenage girls everywhere, searching for anything to make them feel more secure and less ugly. They’re awkward. They still have their baby fat at 14 but their friends are tall and thin. They hope to hell the Ugly Duckling story is true…so they search for anything to make them feel hope….and they see this.


So we had a conversation about it on FB yesterday.

Sorry, some of the comments are doubled, but you get the picture.

The fact is, kids are impressionable. You tell a little girl she’s beautiful on the inside or has a great personality and one day somebody will like her, then what you get is a little girl who believes she’ll never be pretty. Or that she’ll always be fat and that fat isn’t beautiful. If you mock a little girl for not having boobs to wear that dress or for wearing a slut dress, that little girl hears that boobs are what’s important in life and that she’s a slut. If you tell a little girl her thighs are too big for that short skirt, you’ll get a little girl who believes she has fat thighs–even if they’re all muscle.

Why do we shame people like this? No wonder it’s so hard for people to overcome their childhood issues.

You can say what you want to me or about me. I don’t care. Like I said, I am comfortable in my own skin and your opinion of me doesn’t matter. But when these messages get out and young, impressionable minds see them, it breaks my heart. Growing up, I was that girl. Had I seen this as a teen, I think it would have broken me.

Anyway, just be nice to each other, okay? And remember, everyone is beautiful. Their actions may be ugly sometimes, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have something beautiful inside them.

/end rant.

naked girls not included.

Mayor Bloomberg, from his endorsement for President:

“When I step into the voting booth, I think about the world I want to leave my two daughters, and the values that are required to guide us there. The two parties’ nominees for president offer different visions of where they want to lead America.

One believes a woman’s right to choose should be protected for future generations; one does not. That difference, given the likelihood of Supreme Court vacancies, weighs heavily on my decision.

One recognizes marriage equality as consistent with America’s march of freedom; one does not. I want our president to be on the right side of history.

One sees climate change as an urgent problem that threatens our planet; one does not. I want our president to place scientific evidence and risk management above electoral politics.”

I’ll admit, whatever happens, I’m ready for the election to be over. I do believe that we’ll get 4 more years of Obama. But if we don’t, I’ll survive…just like I survived the Dubya Era. Man, Hillary…please tell me you’re gonna run for 2016? PLEASE!?!

In other news, we’re gonna be having a giant multi-family yard sale at the Compound tomorrow. It’s gonna be a long night and long day. Probably there will be Bailey’s in my coffee in the morning. If you stop by, you’ll get a special discount if you bring me a Bloody Mary!

Swagger like Swayze

ALL-CAPS Kristal called me the other night after having an epiphany.

“Guys today…they don’t have enough Swayze in them. Girls want the Swayze. We NEED the Swayze.”

And you know what? She’s totally right. Girls want the guy who can seduce us on the dance floor or over a pottery wheel and still tear the throat out of a dude–and then celebrate his kill by taking us against the wall. Also it doesn’t hurt if he has a best friend who looks like Sam Elliot, but that’s not really part of the equation…


And you know what else? I bet in real life he bought his girl flowers on a Wednesday, and probably left her cards on her pillow just because, and I bet that even on her fat & ugly days, he told her she was beautiful. Because he was Swayze. And he had swagger.

So guys, you may have moves like Jagger, but if you really wanna impress your lady, you need to have Swagger like Swayze.

Rainbow Star: The More You Know….

worst gift idea ever. and I mean EVER.

I saw a Public Service Announcement last night that left me staring at the TV with my mouth gaping open in disbelief.

A cute dude (I recognized him but I think the shock of the commercial has stunned me into forgetting his identity) stares into the camera and says:

“Fellas, wanna get your lady something special this holiday season? Schedule her a pap smear.”


Okay, just in case you fellas reading this blog are not clear on this subject…scheduling your lady a pap smear as a special gift is a VERY BAD IDEA.



If you don’t believe me, go ahead and schedule your lady a pap smear and see what happens.

Please be sure and report back when you do.

Hope you guys have a great Thanksgiving. Eat lots! Watch tons of football! Go to the movies! And enjoy your family and friends. I plan to.