if he weren’t so cute, i’d kill him

This is the 2nd week of school and I’ve already gotten a call from the teacher. It seems Rader is testing his limits…seeing if Ms. Teacher will call his bluff.

She did.

And he missed recess because of it. haha. That’s what he gets. He didn’t turn in his homework twice this week. Wait. Let me amend that. He didn’t do his homework twice this week. Twice.

What the hell is wrong with that boy?

He wanted to see if he could charm his new teacher. He can’t. He’s really sorry about that too, as you can imagine. Oh well, no tv for a while isn’t gonna kill him. Neither will doing his brothers’ chores. Punishment’s a bitch…

And so is Rader’s momma.

Ponderings on clean rooms…

Do all kids think all adults are morons? Or just mine?

My kids have chores to do on a daily basis. They are staying home in the mornings and I expect them to work. Now, we’re not talking about slave labor here, just a few things they need to do everyday before they go to the pool.

Today’s list was a short one:

I.Clean rooms

a.This includes picking up the trash on your floor and depositing in a trash can.

b.Cull through your closets and dressers and put any and all clothes you cannot wear or do not wear into a trash bag. I will check to see if you threw away your NICE clothing you insist you cannot wear, so don’t bother throwing them away.

c.Put away all clothes you can still wear. This does not mean wadding them up and chucking them into your dresser. Nor does this mean putting them in your dirty clothes hamper. (I give my youngest son the stinky eye because he does this once a week, at least)

d.Clean out from underneath your bed. Do not replace items under bed with new items.

e.Do not just throw the crap in your closets and close the doors. I know that trick.

f.Do not throw the crap behind your dresser. I know that trick, too.

g.Do not collect and throw the crap into one of the hall closets or the spare bedroom. I know that trick, too.

h.The beds should be made. This does not mean the beds should be covered with all the crap from your floor that you can’t hide in the closets or behind your dressers.

II.Feed Animals

a.This means put the food in the bowl first thing in the morning—NOT just before Mom comes home to check on things

b.Feeding the animals also means making sure they have fresh water. The water is not fresh if it’s put into a mossy bowl. If the bowl is green, clean it. It takes five minutes.

Before I come home at lunch to check on them, I call twice to help “manage” them.

“How’re the chores coming?”

“We’re almost done.”

“By your standards, my standards, or your daddy’s standards?” (daddy’s standards are higher than mine.)

“Your standards, but dad will be happy.”

I get home and what do I find?

Trash on the floors

I can’t see under the bed for all the crap.

I can’t open the closet doors because they are so packed.

Clean clothes in the hamper.

A green water bowl (Full of “fresh” water, of course)

So, I left them with instructions that now their father (High Priest of cleanliness) would be home in one hour and a half to check. If the rooms weren’t cleaned to HIS standards, no pool for a week.

These are the days of our lives…

Update

They will never learn that we are not morons. I am convinced of this.

According to Mr. Clean, the rooms are still in the same state of chaos as they were this morning.

New deadline: 6pm

Added punishment if not complete on time: No pool for a week plus picking up trash at the park.

Like the sands through the hourglass…

Familiar Faces and Licking Nipples

Familiar Faces
I used to take the youngest to school in the mornings. After I dropped him off, I would take a right and head to work…and almost every morning I would see the same lady out on her daily run/walk.

She became so familiar to me that I felt like we were friends–it didn’t matter that I didn’t know her name. I still knew her.

She was a heavy woman. The first morning I saw her, I wondered to myself how long she would keep it up. How many times had I started the same health routine only to give up a week or so later?

The second week, I found myself admiring her for her persistance.

The second month, I noticed a gradual change in her. She’d quickened her pace slightly. Her body shape had changed.

A few months later, she was running. Not a fast run–but it was definitely not walk.

By the end of the school year, she had lost quite a bit of weight and she was running with a little white dog. (though, she really needed a better bra to be running…those babies were having a party as she jogged)

Summer came, and I began to miss seeing her because I didn’t have to go that route to work. She had really become an inspriation to me–even though I hadn’t gotten off the couch yet.

I saw her in Wal-Mart the other day. She looks great. (she still needs a better bra…LOL) I bet she’s lost 80 lbs.

As many of you know, I started my health quest in January. I’ve been doing a pretty steady job of exercising 4-5 times a week and walking at night after work.

During my walks now, I’m starting to recognize the same cars. Folks I don’t know are waving at me because I am becoming familiar to them. Kind of weird the way life circles around sometimes.

Licking Nipples

I know, y’all want to know about the nipples part of this post.

Perverts.

Speaking of perverted, I got a call from my youngest (8 year old) son’s assistant Principal today.
AP: Mrs. Francis?

Me: Yes?

AP: Your son announced in class today that he can lick his nipples.

Me: cough, sputter, giggle Really? Hmmm. I’m sorry, why are you calling about this?

A.P: trying to stifle a laugh and doing a poor job of it. Because his art teacher has heard him mention nipples before and is tired of it. So she wrote him up.

Me: snicker I’m sorry. This isn’t funny–well, yes it is. I’ll tell him it’s inappropriate to talk about nipples in class. He didn’t demonstrate did he?

AP: laughing now. No ma’am. But the art teacher says that he has to stop talking like this because it’s so inappropriate.

Me: He only does it because it’s getting under her skin.

AP: I’ll just let the teacher know we’ve talked, Okay?

Me: Yup. Sounds great.

This child is going to be my biggest pain in the ass Challenge.

BTW–I’m pretty sure he got the licking nipples thing from The Family Guy. Ooops.

and then he was sorry…

My 8 year old had a really, really, really bad day at school a couple of weeks ago.

It was so bad, he came home and told me about it. He told me everything–except for the part where he was extremely rude to the assistant teacher. He absolutely refused to do anything she told him and apparently had a couple of ugly things to say to her in the process.

All this happened on a Friday. On Monday, I get a note filling in the missing pieces of the story. We do the “do you know what you did wrong?” talk and he tells me he’d just had a really bad day and took it out on Mrs. G.

I said, “Well, you should draw her a picture and tell her you’re sorry.”

So he did. I didn’t see the finished picture, but I saw him writing the note to Mrs. G. He told me that afternoon that Mrs. G. really liked his picture and that was that.

Until this morning when I ran into Mrs. G…

Mrs. G: Did you see the picture he drew me?

Me: No. Should I have?

Mrs. G: Laughing Oh Lord, yes.

Me: Worried now. Um. Why?

Mrs. G: Well, (snicker, snort) he drew me a picture of a donkey.

Me: gasp. this didn’t start off promising.

Mrs. G: At the donkey’s head, he wrote my name and drew an arrow. “This is you.”

Me: grimacing

Mrs. G: And at the rear end he wrote, “And this is what I’ve been.”

Well, that did it. I started laughing and couldn’t stop.

Me: Well, I guess he can recognize ass-like behavior afterall.

Mrs. G. went on to say that it was by far the best note of apology she’s ever received.

I should say so.

and then he was sorry…

My 8 year old had a really, really, really bad day at school a couple of weeks ago.

It was so bad, he came home and told me about it. He told me everything–except for the part where he was extremely rude to the assistant teacher. He absolutely refused to do anything she told him and apparently had a couple of ugly things to say to her in the process.

All this happened on a Friday. On Monday, I get a note filling in the missing pieces of the story. We do the “do you know what you did wrong?” talk and he tells me he’d just had a really bad day and took it out on Mrs. G.

I said, “Well, you should draw her a picture and tell her you’re sorry.”

So he did. I didn’t see the finished picture, but I saw him writing the note to Mrs. G. He told me that afternoon that Mrs. G. really liked his picture and that was that.

Until this morning when I ran into Mrs. G…

Mrs. G: Did you see the picture he drew me?

Me: No. Should I have?

Mrs. G: Laughing Oh Lord, yes.

Me: Worried now. Um. Why?

Mrs. G: Well, (snicker, snort) he drew me a picture of a donkey.

Me: gasp. this didn’t start off promising.

Mrs. G: At the donkey’s head, he wrote my name and drew an arrow. “This is you.”

Me: grimacing

Mrs. G: And at the rear end he wrote, “And this is what I’ve been.”

Well, that did it. I started laughing and couldn’t stop.

Me: Well, I guess he can recognize ass-like behavior afterall.

Mrs. G. went on to say that it was by far the best note of apology she’s ever received.

I should say so.

The No Ninja rule

Halloween’s a comin’ and we still haven’t decorated or bought costumes.

I have one rule this year: No Ninjas.

I’ve never had a costume rule before. But I have to enact the No Ninja rule this year. First of all, all our halloween pictures look the same. Rader has been a ninja 4 years in a row. Ian has been a ninja of sorts at least 4 times.

But, Halloween is only once a year, you say. If they want to be a ninjas, let them be ninjas.

Sigh. Yes. Halloween is only once a year. But these damn ninja costumes seem to last forever. And swords do too. So, I wake up to sword fighting and yelling every weekend. Then comes the “YOU ALMOST POKED MY EYE OUT YOU IDJIT” arguments. Then comes the “Mom, we were just playing, and it was an accident, and we didn’t mean to do it…well, I didn’t do it, Ian did…” “Did NOT!” “DiD too” “DID NOT, IDJIT” “Did TOO FART FACE!”

So. No Ninjas.

Here is the conversation with Rader the day I enacted the rule:

Me: Alright guys. No Ninjas this year. Pick something scary.
Rader: How ’bout a scary ninja.
Me: No Ninjas.
Rader: How about a dragon slayer with a sword and a black mask.
Me: sounds like a ninja
Rader: Well, how about a martial artist
Me: Ninja.
Rader: How about Jackie Chan’s body guard.
Me: Ninja.
Rader: How about…
Me: How about I pick out your costume.
Rader: How about a kid in black pajamas with Nun-chucks.
Me: Sounds a lot like a ninja.
Rader: What if I’m a ninja-in-training?
Me: Nope. That’s a ninja.

And it goes on and on and on.

A mother’s plight

I have a child who isn’t motivated by ANYTHING. He’s having trouble in school…not turning in homework, doing poorly on tests, doodling instead of taking notes, etc. (he’s a lot like me, actually…but school came much easier to me than it does to him)

I need help.

Tonight, if I don’t beat him into submission, I’m going to have to figure out how to snap him to attention.

We’ve offered to pay him– $10 for every A on his report card; $5 for Bs and nothing for Cs…anything lower, and he owes us money. He seemed excited about this and we thought–YAY! WE FOUND HIS MOTIVATION. Since we made this deal, he’s missed 3 homework assignments. ARGH!

Should I promise him a trip to wherever he wants to go if he straightens up? Should I beat the snot outta him? Should I just ignore it and hope it’ll go away?

The teacher is asking for advice–unfortunately, I have none to give. Sigh.

On Farts and Billy Ray Cyrus

Okay, if this blog title doesn’t get your attention, you’re either dead or you should be.

My current WIP is set in small town Arkansas and its theme music is Country and Western. Now, I don’t mind C&W music, I just don’t normally listen to it.

So, anyway, I’m writing today and my oldest son, Ian (pictured) is sitting in the room with me, reading. It’s very pleasant except Ian’s heavy sighs every time he turns a page because he’d rather eat toenails than read, but that’s another blog)

A Billy Ray Cyrus song comes on and I’m singing along cuz it was the only one of his songs I could even remotely tolerate. It Could’ve Been Me is the title.

My dear husband walks in and proceeds to make up his own lyrics.

“It could’ve been pee…”

of course, Ian starts laughing which just encourages my husband even more. The lyrics get much worse until I finally say:

“I swear honey, you’ve got to have a fart for a brain. There is nothing between your ears but a big ole bubble of gas.”

I can honestly say, that is the first time in my life I’ve made my 11 year old laugh until he cried. Not that I should be surprised; I did say a few days ago that just the word fart makes him chuckle.

It made my day to see him laugh/cry, though.

Today’s special moment is sponsored by Billy Ray Cyrus. Being the good little southern girl that I am, I should write him a thank you note.