chuck norris and the razorbacks…

Posted on October 6, 2007 by Just Call Me Mel

My new favorite picture:
Back in November 2005 I posted this original Chuck Norris list. I’ll repost below.

Here are a few new ones: (thanks to Jimmy the K for forwarding them on–especially the picture. smooches)

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool, he doesn’t get wet.
The water gets Chucked.

Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris
allows to live.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease
2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Here’s the original:

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face andtook his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O’Brien’s lever that shows clips from “Walker: Texas Ranger” and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan’s wife.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn’t give him exact change.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.”, then you are dead wrong.

Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn’t a racist.

i’m a loser…but i’m having fun

Posted on September 16, 2007 by Just Call Me Mel

So, Marley wins…I mean, ‘Bama wins. We sucked. It sucked. I drank and didn’t care after a while. But I still love my Piggies and I’m still a Houston Nutt supporter. Go Hogs. Sorry you brought home the big L tonight.

After the game and many beers, we pulled out the Fishdog’s new Mac Powerbook. I love this machine. I love typing on it and I love the fact that I can take funky pictures with it.

i crown thee…

Posted on September 14, 2007 by Just Call Me Mel

My Peculiar Aristocratic Title is:
Her Royal Highness Mel the Haunted of Fishbourne Sneething
Get your Peculiar Aristocratic Title

Bow to me…
My thanks to Naughty Kate for letting me borrow her ~~LV Purse~~ blog.

got myself tagged

Posted on August 28, 2007 by Just Call Me Mel

I was tagged by Mel. No, I did not tag myself, I promise. I don’t do that kinda thing in public.

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.

2. Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of their middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.

3. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post containing your own middle name game facts.

4. At the end of your blog-post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. (rule breaker here. I’m totally not doing that)

5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog. (Unless you’re a rule breaker like me)

Okay, so I’ll do this tag. But I’m using my given middle name which is Renee. My legal middle name is now my maiden name and McKenzie is just too damn long to play this game. Especially since I’m tired.

R- ‘riter (leave me alone. it counts. 3 Rs. Readin’, Ritin’, and ‘Rithmatic)

E- Einstein, because we share a birthday and because sometimes, I have bad hair.

N- Noticable smile. I smile big and often. (I almost put non-conformist here, but that’s not entirely true. Oppositional is more accurate)

E- Enslaved. Because Gena Showalter does that to me. Well, all my good friends do. I am bound to them because they love me for me.

E- Exercise. Not because I want to, but because I have to. It is a part of my daily life, replacing Cheese Dip as the first thing I think of when I wake.

Now I’m supposed to tag people. But I don’t tag (well, not often). So, here’s the thing, if you wanna play, post a comment or just post it to your blog and let me know in the comments.

what your name means…

Posted on August 22, 2007 by Just Call Me Mel

I totally stole this from Jester who stole it from Heather. Apparently I’m usually a leader, but today I’m totally a follower.

What Your Name Means

You entered: Melissa McKenzie Francis

There are 22 letters in your name.
Those 22 letters total to 99
There are 8 vowels and 14 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:
Latin Female A nymph.
Greek Female Bee. Famous bearer: Melissa, Mythological princess of Crete transformed to a bee after learning to collect honey.

Your number is: 9

The characteristics of #9 are: Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.

The expression or destiny for #9:
The expression that you exhibit is represented bythe number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the ‘big brother or big sister’ type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It’s possible that you’re not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.

If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important. (I have nothing to say here. It’s all very true. Scary true. Especially the last sentence)

Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression. (again, very true except for the lack of sensitivity. Sometimes I attract those insensitive people like a magnet though.)

Your Soul Urge number is: 8

A Soul Urge number of 8 means:
With an 8 soul urge, you have a natural flair for big business and the challenges imposed by the commercial world. Power, status and success are very important to you. You have strong urges to supervise, organize and lead. Material desires are also very pronounced. You have good executive abilities, and with these, confidence, energy and ambition.

Your mind is analytical and judgment sound; you’re a good judge of material values and also human character. Self-controlled, you rarely let emotions cloud judgment. (HA!) You are somewhat of an organizer at heart, and you like to keep those beneath you organized and on a proper track. (HA!)This is a personality that wants to lead, not follow. (OK, this is true) You want to be known for your planning ability and solid judgment.

The negative aspects of the 8 soul urge are the often dominating and exacting attitude. You may have a tendency to be very rigid, sometimes stubborn. (heh. did you say stubborn? oops. Guilty)

Your Inner Dream number is: 1

An Inner Dream number of 1 means:
You dream of being a leader and one who is in charge. You want to be known for your courage, daring, and original ideas. (well, I am a writer) You seek unconquered heights. People may get a first impression that you are very aggressive and sure of yourself.

Wonder if it would change if I ran it with my given middle name instead of my married middle name (which is now my legal middle name…Hmmmm)

is it really too hot?

Posted on August 16, 2007 by Just Call Me Mel

Last week, I went to the lake with my parents. I tried to get my brother to bring his kids, but he said it was “too hot to go.”

That puzzled me, but then, my brother and I don’t think the same way so I just chalked it up to Michael being Michael.

We get there Friday around noon. I say, “Let’s eat lunch then head to the harbor.”

My parents both say, “It’s too hot to get on the lake.”

Huh?

We’re at THE LAKE. It’s a big body of water in which you dive into if you get too hot. We drive around on a boat that has a covered section and the wind hits us in the face. Since when did it become too hot to get on the lake?

After school yesterday, the kids ate their snack and did their homework. Rader asked his grandmother if he could go jump on the trampoline. I didn’t hear this or I would’ve said, “Sure, go. Have fun. Take some water…”

Nonnie said, “No. It’s too hot.”

He’s a kid! Sure it’s hot…but he’s a KID! They need to be outside! What the hell?

It was never “too hot” for us to be outside. Never. We would go tent camping for two weeks at a time in late July or early August. In 1980 we had 41 days over 100 degrees and 103 days of 90 degree weather. I played softball almost every day that summer. I was 11 years old. We just ate oranges and drank LOTS of water. My parents never once stopped letting me play outside or stopped me from playing softball because it was “too hot”. When did things change?

What do you think? I know it’s hot…but is it too hot to let the kids outside in the evening? Is it too hot to go to the lake? Is it EVER too hot to go to the lake? Really?

climbing the highest mountain…

Posted on August 8, 2007 by Just Call Me Mel

I’m tired of being sad. Sadness sucks. And it gives me puffy eyes. After crying for a while, I start to resemble a big fat blond puffer fish. I’m so scary, I don’t think even Spongebob would want to be my friend–and he likes everyone.

So, in order to make me feel a little better, I thought I’d tell y’all a little story.

As all 22 of you who read my blog know, I got my nose pierced while in Dallas about a month ago. It didn’t hurt very much and aside from me scratching it and trying to pull it out in the middle of the night a couple of times, I’ve had no problems.

None.

No redness, no oozing, no swelling…nothing.

Until the zit.

Yes. I got myself a zit right next to my piercing. It’s on the backside of the stud, so you really can’t see it. But I know it’s there.

Oh yes. I know.

That zit taunts me while I sleep.

“Meeeeeel! Don’t you wanna pop me?”

“Meeeeeel! you know you want me.”

But despite its taunting, I held strong. I continued my saline treatment and pretended to not hear its calling.

I did my best. I didn’t touch it for 24 hours. Honestly, that’s like forever to me.

The next night, after swimming, I started my cleansing routine. That’s when temptation got the best of me. I moved my stud just slightly, so I could get a better look at the mountain trying to take over my nose. Oh, perfect! I could pop it and just get rid of it…right?

Um.

Yeah. Pre-piercing, you bet I could.

Well, my little nose diamond (okay, it’s more of a “diamond”) is on a corkscrew, so it has to be worked out…it can’t just be pulled out.

Or so I thought.

I adjust my little stud (hehe, that sounds kinda dirty) and try to get a closer look and Mt. Zitverest when suddenly I hear a little “clink, clink, clink”.

Um.

Oooops.

Yeah, that would be my little “diamond” in the sink. Now that I had full access to Mt. Zitverest all I could think was “Shit, it’s too soon! I can’t let the hole close up!”

So I scrambled and cleaned off my stud (hehehe, still sounds dirty) and tried to reinsert it. That proved to be tricky, but I managed.

The zit is gone now. There is no redness. And my stud is still awesome. But damn, it was almost life or death hanging on the edge of Mt. Zitverest.