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As I do every Monday…

I’m blogging over at Fictionistas. I’m confessing another ‘Dirty Little Secret’

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Fictionistas

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dirty little secret #4? or is #5?

I pretend this song was written for me:

Chorus: Low by Flo Rida

Shawty had them Apple Bottom Jeans [Jeans]
Boots with the fur [With the fur]
The whole club was lookin at her
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

Them baggy sweat pants
And the Reeboks with the straps [With the straps]
She turned around and gave that big booty a smack [Ayy]
She hit the flo [She hit the flo]
Next thing you know
Shawty got low low low low low low low low

I will also admit to giving my ‘big booty a smack’ when this song was played at the club in Boston.

Oh. And I got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, low.

you say it’s your birthday…

It’s my birthday too, yeah. Happy Birthday to ME! For my birthday, I offer you another Dirty Little Mel Secret. I have a vault full of them, but I have found it is more fun to open that vault every once in a while, as opposed to just opening up like a $2 hooker. So, in honor of my birthday, I offer you a gift.

Mel’s White Trash Crushes Top Three

1. Eminem: The man is fine. I don’t care if he’s the real slim shady or not. He can slim my shady…or shady my slim. Whatever. The man is purebred skanky fine.

2. Kid Rock: You can say whatever you want about this man, but there is something strangely sexy about Kid Rock. He has a great voice, and a great bod and some fantastic tattoos (which, I’ll admit, I have a huge weakness for) and frankly, I’d do him. Twice. Sober. With my own vagina.

3. Johnny Knoxville: I had a real hard time putting him on the White Trash list, but frankly, he hosted Jackass for WAYTOOFUCKING LONG. There is no way you can’t consider the host of Jackass as White Trash. But he’s so fine he makes my toes curl just saying his name. And I fell in love with him twice after watching him in Walking Tall. Why? You ask…Because he was in that movie with The Rock…and man, did I have some fun fantasies that night. And those fantasies included me being the cream filling between a Rock/Knoxville Manwich. They could do some nasty dirty things to me and I would ask for more. Seriously, I’m a-twitter with anticipation about my dreams tonight. Mmmmmm. Manwich. My favorite meal.

So those are my top three…but, in the spirit of research, I asked a few friends who their White Trash crushes would be. (I had a few more folks on my list and I wanted to see how they measured up)

4. Tommy Lee: Okay, I have determined (scientifically of course) that if you’ve ever been married to Pamela Anderson, you are automatically qualified for the White Trash Crush list. And I’ll admit during my heavy metal years, I got wet over Tommy Lee. I love me some drummers. I only dated drummers for a while (not kidding) and if Tommy Lee would’ve ever looked at me with his hot little wiry tattooed self, I would’ve volunteered to have his babies. Or at least practice with him. And look at that Happy Trail. Admit it…you’d practice with Tommy, too.

5. Bret Michaels: Every Rose Has its Thorn…and every shithead has his own reality tv show. Yet, I find him strangely HOT. Why? Somebody help me! It’s the tattoos. And the hair. And the hat. And those awesome abs. Sigh. I’m hopelessly committed to the trailer park, aren’t I?

6. Colin Farrell: As a friend of mine ( who is not a high-class hooker) said—the man is fine but he would f*ck a dead donkey. Yeah. He makes the list. But he really is fine…

I apparently really have a thing for hair and tattoos. Go figure.

So, who would you add to the list? Do you have a white trash crush? Go ahead, we’re friends here. Nobody’s judging you. (No really, I promise.) Unless you drink white zinfandel. Then we’re probably judging you a little.

birthday week, day three

I’m working on a fun birthday post for Friday. It’s another post similar to my Naughty River admission, or my desire to be a MILF (is there such a thing as a Fat MILF? I mean, Queen Latifah is hot and if she were a mom she’d be a MILF. I’m so going that route) or my love for young boys(okay, young men. I am not a pedophile. They can all vote..and most can even drink legally)

Yes, it’s another Mel secret. And it’s one I should be ashamed to post. Maybe I’ll fix myself a pitcher of Hellohahanarf’s awesome Margaritas Thursday night and post then. My drunk blogs are always much more fun than the others anyway. (as long as I don’t go back and read them the next day, that is…)

blast from the past

Back in October, I blogged about having lunch with an old friend of mine from High School. In that post, I told the story of how we spent part of our 9th grade year as enemies, fighting over a boy. In that blog post, I named names.

You take a chance when you name someone in a blog, because people google themselves or their friends/family google them. And you have to decide if this is someone you possibly want to reconnect with or not. I had no problem reconnecting with Denton, so on the off chance he might find me, I named him.

Denton and I stayed pals throughout high school, even after he moved away from Bryant to Searcy. He joined the Marine Corps and we still stayed in touch. The last time I saw Denton was 10 years ago at our 10 year high school reunion.

If you haven’t figured out where this post is going, then you’re too slow to be reading my blog. Go away.

Anyway, Denton contacted me the other day. We emailed and chatted on the phone and I figure we’ll meet for lunch sometime soon.

Little known facts about the 9th grade love affair between Melissa McKenzie and Denton McDonald.

  1. Denton gave me my first hickey.
  2. He was the boy I made out with in the sheep barn at the state fair. (which is where #1 occurred) It’s been 23 years and I still think of him when I see any state fair commercial.
  3. We had school pictures the next day and I had to do my very best to hide my hickey. I still have that awful picture, which will NEVER be posted. Maybe. We’ll see. My hair was so bad…and I was wearing a mauve sweater.
  4. We had 2 songs (don’t ask me why I remember this) True, by Spandau Ballet and Islands in a Stream by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton (no, I am not making that up.)
  5. When I first fell for him, he had an afro. It was a perm, but I didn’t care, cuz to my little 14 year old heart, it was sexxxy. I have a picture still, somewhere. If I can get him to agree to it, I’m so gonna post it.
  6. He was the only boy I ever wore one of those split heart necklaces with and when we broke up, I threw my heart at him. Sooo dramatic. (like the one pictured, only it said something poignant like, together we are one...)
  7. Our senior year, we fooled around again, but never really dated again.
  8. He was really the only boyfriend I had during all of high school. I dated some, but never really did the whole “relationship” thing. Probably the smartest thing I ever did…

There you go. Little known facts that probably could’ve stayed swept under the rug.

In honor of this nostalgic moment, I give you: Spandau Ballet

another secret…

It’s that time again. It’s time for me to tell another deep, dark secret.

I’ve shocked y’all before, when I announced my love for Steve from Blue’s Clues…and then, again when I discussed my lust for the young Lucas Black. Not to mention when I outted my secret desire for Marshal Mathers. (Yes, Eminem. I love me some bad boys.) Or that I still liked Air Supply. And I’m sure many of you were surprised to discover my youngest son’s dirty little secret, as well.

But, this secret may out do all of them.

Are you ready to be ashamed of me?

I wanna be Stifler’s Mom.

That’s right. I wanna be a MILF.

It’s true. And it’s unfortunate because it’s ain’t ever gonna happen. I might have a chance to be the cool mom…but I will never be The HOT Mom.

I’m envious of my friend Feisty who is THE hot mom. Actually, she’s THE HAWT mom. I guess I could be her protege and be a MILF in training. I’d have to drop about 4,000 lbs and get the girls lifted, but it could happen.

It’s not that I am into boys that young…I’m not. But I remember growing up, and my friend’s mom was THE hot mom. And all the boys talked about her awesome Farrah Fawcett hair and the sweet convertible and her tight jeans and I thought, “One day, I’m going to be that mom.”

Oh well. I guess not. I will just have to settle with being the mom the boys call when they get into trouble. I’m really okay with that. It’s not a consolation prize by any stretch. But maybe one day, why my boys are in college, one of their friends will confess to me that I was their “Stifler’s Mom.”