6 outta 7 ain’t bad

Posted on by
Reply

We had a pimpin’ good time at the races. Here, let me show you:
We see this dude every year and this year I finally got my picture with him. Oh yeah.

I’m pretty sure we accomplished 6 out of the 7 deadly sins…Wrath being the only sin left out in the rain. Sorry, Wrath. We were having too much fun. Maybe next time.

I won a couple of races, but I didn’t come away any richer. Sigh. One of these days…

We met our obligatory drunk cowboy.
Happens. Every. Year.
This year’s cowboy was great. His name was Tim and he works on an oil rig off the coast of South America somewhere and he told us that he would totally go up in space and drill into a meteor in order to save the earth. Bruce Willis just cowboyed up. LOL

Anyway, a good time was had by all. I’m ready to go back again…after I get over the sting of my empty pockets.

today is a day for sinning…

Posted on by
Reply

I’m guessing that today, my girlfriends and I will commit at least 6 of the 7 deadly sins. Maybe all 7. I know for certain we’ll hit lust, greed and gluttony. There’ll be some wrath, some envy, and some pride as well. Sloth will come about tonight, as we lounge in the hotel and relive our day of sin.

What’s going on? you ask.

Well, it’s opening day at Oaklawn! We’re taking our yearly jaunt to the horse races. That’s right: today is vajority day out.

It’s as cold as a witch’s titty in a brass bra here today–19 degrees as I’m typing this. Hopefully the sun will come out and cast its warming glow of approval on our day of sin. If not, we’ll just stay inside and drink tea. *snort*

Anyway, you bitches try to have fun without me. If you behave, I’ll even place a bet in your honor. If you don’t behave, I’ll be sure to spank you good and proper when I return. That means no parties. Undertood?

Ciao.

hobbies?

Posted on by
Reply

Last night I was filling in the “Author Questionnaire” for HarperCollins. They want details about me they can use for promotion. Okay, this is cool. I’m an author! It’s official! Whooot!

The form is like an extended resume. Where have you worked? Are you a full time writer, if not, what’s your day job, blah blah blah.

Then I get to the question about stuff I do in my spare time. Anything I’m enthusiastic about. Interests, hobbies…

And it hits me.

When did I become so boring? Holy shit!

I. Am. Boring!

I blame the kids. They did this to me
I’m totally gonna get myself a hobby. No knitting, cuz well, I just don’t get that. And I tried it once and I promise you, I gave failure a new definition. I love to make jewelry, but I haven’t done that in a while, so can I still call it a hobby? I used to take pictures (real ones) and lots of them, but I’ve forgotten everything I ever learned about photography that didn’t include auto-focus.

Until I find my real hobby, this is what I told them:

Is laying in the sun on a pontoon boat in the middle of a lake a hobby? I enthusiastically support it becoming a hobby if it isn’t considered one already. It is my favorite summer past time.

I was an athlete in high school, played basketball and softball and was forced to run track in the off-season. Running is from the devil and should be banned.

Now I mostly play the role of soccer mom when I’m not at home writing. Both of my boys play and my husband plays and coaches. I yell from the sidelines. A lot. Yes, I’m one of those—don’t judge me.

So this is the year I get a hobby and you guys are gonna help me find it. Got it? Now, talk amongst yourselves.

blast from the past

Posted on by
Reply

Back in October, I blogged about having lunch with an old friend of mine from High School. In that post, I told the story of how we spent part of our 9th grade year as enemies, fighting over a boy. In that blog post, I named names.

You take a chance when you name someone in a blog, because people google themselves or their friends/family google them. And you have to decide if this is someone you possibly want to reconnect with or not. I had no problem reconnecting with Denton, so on the off chance he might find me, I named him.

Denton and I stayed pals throughout high school, even after he moved away from Bryant to Searcy. He joined the Marine Corps and we still stayed in touch. The last time I saw Denton was 10 years ago at our 10 year high school reunion.

If you haven’t figured out where this post is going, then you’re too slow to be reading my blog. Go away.

Anyway, Denton contacted me the other day. We emailed and chatted on the phone and I figure we’ll meet for lunch sometime soon.

Little known facts about the 9th grade love affair between Melissa McKenzie and Denton McDonald.

  1. Denton gave me my first hickey.
  2. He was the boy I made out with in the sheep barn at the state fair. (which is where #1 occurred) It’s been 23 years and I still think of him when I see any state fair commercial.
  3. We had school pictures the next day and I had to do my very best to hide my hickey. I still have that awful picture, which will NEVER be posted. Maybe. We’ll see. My hair was so bad…and I was wearing a mauve sweater.
  4. We had 2 songs (don’t ask me why I remember this) True, by Spandau Ballet and Islands in a Stream by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton (no, I am not making that up.)
  5. When I first fell for him, he had an afro. It was a perm, but I didn’t care, cuz to my little 14 year old heart, it was sexxxy. I have a picture still, somewhere. If I can get him to agree to it, I’m so gonna post it.
  6. He was the only boy I ever wore one of those split heart necklaces with and when we broke up, I threw my heart at him. Sooo dramatic. (like the one pictured, only it said something poignant like, together we are one...)
  7. Our senior year, we fooled around again, but never really dated again.
  8. He was really the only boyfriend I had during all of high school. I dated some, but never really did the whole “relationship” thing. Probably the smartest thing I ever did…

There you go. Little known facts that probably could’ve stayed swept under the rug.

In honor of this nostalgic moment, I give you: Spandau Ballet

fine. i’ll play

Posted on by
Reply

Okay, I’ve been tagged. Again. Thanks, Kristen Painter. You’re a doll. Now my awesome post about the good old days INCLUDING PICTURES will have to be postponed. Sorry gang. It’s her fault. And yes, I was gonna post some REALLY BAD pictures. Maybe even one of me with a mullet. Maybe. Maybe not. I haven’t decided if I’m that brave yet. (also, I haven’t found it yet, but it’s here–somewhere)

Anyway, here are the rules:

Link to the person who tagged you;
Leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours;Post the rules on your blog;
Share 7 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog;
Tag 7 random people at the end of your post;
Include links to their blogs;Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

7 Random Facts About Mel Francis:

1. My current guilty pleasure is the soundtrack from Music & Lyrics. The song Pop! Goes My Heart is quickly becoming my favorite song.
2. I saw Cinderella in concert at least 5 times in the 90s. Maybe more. I lost count. (ETA: I thought Tom Keifer was one of the most beautiful men in the world. His only flaw? He was too short.)
3. I totally made out with my boyfriend in the sheep barn at the Arkansas State Fair when I was in 9th grade.
4. My dream was to be a soap star. (Not kidding here. Meg Ryan was a soap star once, dammit)
5. My first kiss was the summer between 6th and 7th grade on a raft in the middle of a lake.
6. At one time, I wanted to name a daughter Mandolin Rain, after the song. (good thing I only had boys, eh?)
7. Tomato soup is my favorite soup of all time. I don’t like raw tomatoes.

I tag: Robyn, Gwen, Killer and Liz (both of you!), Naughty Kate, Kwana, & last but not least, Fishdog

i’m alllliiiiiiive!

Posted on by
Reply

It’s true! I’m here! And upright! And Fever-Free!

Actually, I was all better yesterday…but I was so tired of sitting that I literally worked on the house from sun-up to sun-down. Fishdog gives a play-by-play on his blog. Don’t feel like you need to rush right over there and check it out. You’ve got time. He probably won’t post again for a month.

Today, I finish cleaning and hanging pictures and blinds, while I wait to hear from fab editor to see if she liked my inspired changes.

This week’s checklist:

  • Finish Chapter 1 Love Sux
  • Finish acknowledgments
  • Finish unpacking boxes
  • Clean my bedroom and purge clothing
  • Hang remaining window treatments
  • Prepare for possible snowday on Thursday (fingers crossed)
  • Go to the gym 3 days this week
  • Finally get stove top installed

What do you guys have going on? Anything fun?

wash your mouth out

Posted on by
Reply

For my ‘friends’ who asked if I was pregnant, well, you need to eat a bar of soap. Shame on y’all.

I am still running a fever today, but I’ve managed to eat some soup and drink some Gatorade, so I’m on the mend.

Unfortunately, I’m watching some shit Lifetime Movie now. I need to send Fishdog to Blockbuster for me.

who have i scorned?

Posted on by
Reply

I woke this morning feeling nauseous and with a headache. I knew it wasn’t a hangover because I only had 2 glasses of wine. (real glasses, not big gulps) I popped some advil, drank a cuppa and took the boys to school.

Only to come home and commence sickage.

I am such a baby. And I was just sick over Christmas week, so shouldn’t I be give a bug break? I think so…but no.

What really sucks is that nobody’s here to baby me. I don’t need an audience, but it is nice when there is someone here who can bring me a sprite or go get the kids.

Well, a friend of mine is picking up the kids today, which is good, because I’m so lightheaded I wouldn’t be able to drive. But I still really want a sprite. 😦

Dear Bug Faeries,
I’ve had enough of the illnesses. Thanks. Go bother another household.

Preesh.
-Mel

a wine by any other name…

Posted on by
Reply


So after my Math Destruction last night and again this morning…and after my parent-teacher conference today…I needed a bit of the vino.

I was very excited to discover it was wine day. I asked wine store dude if he could guide me to the Zolo Malbec (a wine from Argentina) and he regretted to inform me that they could not get Zolo due to the distributor they use.

Whatevah.

But, wine store dude was on top of things. He quickly offered up an alternative.

WSD: the Pileta 39 is a fantastic Malbec. And it is Argentinean as well.
Me: Hmmm (not really caring WHERE it comes from. Just wanting it to be good)
WSD: Yes. It is always a 3 bottle buy for me.
Me: Hmmm.

So, I pick up a couple.

Dear Wine Store Dude, You are the fuckin’ bomb. Thank you. Me

weapons of math destruction

Posted on by
Reply

better known as: how algebra brought Mel to tears…and not for the first time.

I have a hate, hate relationship with all things algebra… I consider algebra and anything related to it, a form of torture.

The first C I ever made was in 8th grade…when we started the unit on algebra. In 9th grade, I made my first D on a test…in algebra. I never failed but I can honestly say it’s the only class I’ve ever taken in which I felt like a failure.

Fast forward to college. If I graduated by a certain year, I wouldn’t have to take college algebra, only intermediate algebra. My guidance counselor and I worked out my credits, figured out what I would need to graduate without having to subject myself to a full semester of torture…and when it came time to graduate, I was 3 hours short. Which meant, I was 6 hours short because I would have to take college algebra to graduate.

It took me two attempts. I dropped the first class because the teacher didn’t teach it in a way that I could understand it. (okay, I STILL don’t understand it, but he never taught me to a point that I could at least fake my way through.) Finally, I found the right teacher, signed up, and made it through College Algebra with a C.

Whoot! May as well have been a 110% as far as I was concerned.

Fast forward to last night. Fishdog is in Oxford. My brother is at home 20 minutes away…and I’m here with Ian, almost in tears. He has 50 algebra problems (don’t even get me started on the amount of homework, which I believe is outrageous) and he was told that the homework counts as a test grade.

Yeah, I’m about to freaking cry.

I emailed my brother a sampling of the problems and he called me and tried to teach me how to do them over the phone. This is 8th grade pre-algebra y’all, and I was nearly having a panic attack. Every bad memory, every horrid feeling of inadequacy came rushing back. I felt like such an idiot.

Somehow, my brother finally helped me to see the light, so I helped Ian as best I could. We worked until 10:30 last night. Watching him was like watching myself. It’s a shame that I’ve passed him the anti-algebra part of my brain. We didn’t even finish half of the homework. I think we managed 25 problems.

So we got up this morning and did another 15. I sent a note to the teacher explaining that we did work very hard on the homework but we were unable to complete all 50 problems and I asked her not to write Ian up, give him a mark, or a warning, or punish him in any way.

How sad is that?

Thank God algebra was not in my life plan. I’m pretty sure it’s not in Ian’s either…