a battle to the death and more…

It was an Eskimo Ninja battle of epic proportions that was fought without honor. Blood was shed. It was awesome!

Ruby actually embraced the snow after a while. She ran and hopped and played until she started shivering so much I was afraid she was gonna give herself brain damage.

We built forts that were pretty awesome. Double A (my niece) and I built snow bricks with a box and a plastic basket. Eventually Rader left the team of 4 boys to join us…and our fort rocked. The boys just packed snow over some plastic containers. Our snow fort was actually a fort, thankyouverymuch. Girls rock!

After the fort was built, we began to stockpile our ammunition.

While this was going on, the boys sent Ian over to “spy” on us.

There were no clear winners (hahahaha we kicked ass!) but a good time was had by all!

In other news, the sun is out today and the snow is already starting to melt. Thank goodness. I already feel the cabin fever eating away at my brain. (Mainly because I don’t have cable TV and daytime TV sucks!) Yes, I know, I should be more productive and do something like clean my house or finish laundry–but it’s a snow day! Who wants to work on a snow day?

Hope all of y’all are safe, happy and warm. Currently, I’m dreaming of a beach side hammock, a cocktail, and sexy cabana boy named El Jefe serving my every whim… 🙂

teach my ass, Melissa

Dear Person from Germany who googled Teach my ass Melissa,

I’m going to need a little bit more direction. What exactly would you like me to teach your ass? Does your ass have something special it would like to learn?

I must admit, I am a very good teacher. I take my time with each lesson, make sure the student is fully apprised of the subject and I painstakingly teach, and reteach until the pupil can pass the test with flying colors. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it.

So your ass is in the right hands. But the problem is, I have no idea what lessons your ass would like to learn. So I’ve taken this opportunity to work up a list of potential subjects. Please let me know what your ass would like to learn.

  • how to eat with chopsticks: admittedly, this will be a tough lesson for me, as I have not mastered the art of chopsticks. I can do it, but it ain’t pretty. However, if this is what your ass chooses to learn, I will gladly do my best to teach it.
  • how to prepare foie gras: Um, yeah. sorry. That won’t be happening. I just learned what foie gras is during the last season of Top Chef. Your ass is on its own.
  • how to be a ninja: I don’t do stealth and I don’t do ninja. But I’ve got the name and number of a guy who does. if this is what you want, email me and I’ll put you two in touch.
  • Algebra: um, sorry. Your ass is striking out with me if you want to learn algebra. Mel is a firm believer that the alphabet and the numerical systems should be kept separate. Letters and Numbers do not equal more numbers.
  • how to be a milf: now we’re talking. I’m pretty sure I can teach your ass a little bit in the way of milfing, but it’s a lot of work. Is your ass up for the challenge?
  • how to text and drive: I would almost never do that! *have your ass contact me privately*
  • how to write a damn good book: THAT I can teach your ass. LMAO

Okay, these are just a few things your ass might be interested in learning. If your ass has something else in mind, please let me know.

Thanks for your interest. Now, in the mean time, I offer you this video on how to be a Ninja, free of charge. Watch it. You won’t be sorry.

“Judy Chop!” and “Don’t go ninjain’ nobody that don’t need ninjain'”