So…I was making out with Fabio last night…

Okay. I’m going to give you a rare glimpse inside my brain. You’re welcome.

Last night, I was watching REAL TIME WITH BILL MAHER (btw, my favorite text ever from Rader was when he sent me a picture of Bill Maher and asked “Are you sure he isn’t my real father?”) Anyway, Dan Savage was on and it was one of the funniest episodes I’ve seen in a while. If you get a chance, please watch the 5:48 video just for a laugh and to see a very conservative former republican senator from Florida get very uncomfortable and make the “I smell bad ham” face.

So this is how my brain works. I was thinking that Dan Savage was the guy who did the satire romance novel covers, but he isn’t. I know that now (click that link for a good laugh). But, last night, I went to bed thinking he was that guy and when I think about romance novel covers, I often think of Fabio.

Who wouldn’t, right?

Ribbet collageOkay, so there I am, falling asleep with Fabio on my mind…and suddenly, there he is in my dream.

We’re in the library and there’s a party. And he’s pursuing me. He wants me badly. (I mean, duh!) and he finally pulls me onto his lap in a dark corner and we kiss. And after a few minutes (I had to be SURE) I tell him, “Sorry. This just isn’t working for me.”

And he’s all “I’m Fabio! I work for everyone!”

And I say, “Well, I’m not everyone. And you should learn to kiss better. I don’t have time or desire to teach you.” and I try to get up. But he holds me down and gives me a GIANT HICKEY ON MY CHEST. And then he puts a band-aid on it and says, “You’re branded now. You’re mine.”

I’m pissed. “What are you? 14?” And I dramatically storm off to tell everyone that Fabio gave me a hickey against my will. And everyone tells me I should have been nicer to him. Nobody tells Fabio he doesn’t kiss well, even if it’s true.  He’s FABIO for chissakes!

So yeah. That’s how my brain works. It’s scary, right?



and she cried more, more, more!

Just in case you care, here’s a copy of last night’s workout. (I’m combining various HIIT/and muscle specific exercises for a variety of workouts) Also, I’m not a fitness guru, I’m doing this on my own, at my own risk. If you decide to follow my workouts, it’s all on you. I’m just a moron who can’t afford a personal trainer.  You don’t have to be one, too.

Bootyliciousness workout #6

Bootyliciousness workout #6

By the time I was done with this half-hour…I was crying NO MORE! and I was sweating like a cold beer on a hot table.

I’m staying pretty focused and doing well with my daily exercising…I’m sore, but not in pain. I’m sleeping better and I’m pushing myself to do just “one more” and not quitting when my body wants to.

I’m struggling with keeping my core tight and maintaining appropriate posture when I get tired.

But it’s a process. And I’m showing progress, so no complaints here. (other than, FEED ME!!)

So last night…I had a dream about my ass.

Yep. You read that right. I. Had a dream. About my ASS.

I dreamed that I woke up one morning and was getting dressed and looked in the mirror and my ass looked like this:

It ain't gonna spank itself, fellas.

It ain’t gonna spank itself, fellas.

Now you know why I’m doing all those damn squats. I know my ass is never gonna be this size, but if it could be that shape? I’d never keep my hands off my own ass.

Oh well. I’m always going to have a big butt (So WHAT?) and that’s why, this is my motto


let’s hear it for more, more, more lunges, squats and big ol’ butts that cannot lie!

I feel good!

So despite some VERY disturbing dreams last night, I woke today well-rested and in a fantastic mood.

I won’t go into details about my dreams because they were just too disturbing, however, after looking up the interpretation of some of the more haunting symbols, I feel much better. MUCH.

This morning was perfect for coffee and doggies. I had the cool house to myself for about an hour this morning. Everyone else was deep in sleep and I sat on the couch in the dim light and enjoyed the cool breeze and steady rain. I had doggies at my feet, coffee in my cup and Little-Itty-Bitty behind the couch giving the Chimay cork about 10 kinds of hell. it was perfect.

Okay, bitches. Y’all have a great weekend. I hope you plan to snuggle up and enjoy this first burst of cool air! And get busy on your Halloween costumes! I want a full report next week.

be the spark(le)

Today’s Note from the Universe:

There are only 3 things that can make your dreams come true, Melissa: your thoughts, your words, and your actions.

Be the spark,
    The Universe

Thanks. I kinda needed that reminder.

Not only shall I be the Spark(le) today. But I think I shall also be bold.

Now go forth, and join me in the sparkle.


Yeah. I have nothing to explain the blog title. Sorry.

Last night I didn’t sleep for a damn. Like, 2 hours maybe? And when I was sleeping, I was having the weirdest dreams ever. Ugh. It’s never good when you’re dreaming about having migraine headaches and then you wake up with a headache. Thankfully, the real headache was not a migraine. 800 mg of ibuprofen later and I’m all better.

The good news is, even though I’m pretty sleepy today, I feel good. Mostly. I may have a slight attitude, but then, how is that different from any other day?

Just add more coffee.

Since I was sick last week, I haven’t seen my rotten kids much because this wasn’t my weekend with them. How is it possible that I actually almost, sorta missed them? I’m taking them to dinner tonight because Rader has soccer camp this week and it’s just easier for him to stay with his dad and Ian…well, he’s 18. I never know if he’s gonna grace my house with his presence or not. Thankfully, he calls/texts me constantly so I always know where he is. (well, that and the microchip I had imbedded in his skull). It’ll be good to hang with them today. When I asked where they wanted to eat, I knew the answer. Either US Pizza or Mexican. I think we’ve decided on US Pizza… hopefully it will be nice outside so we can eat on the deck.

Mmmmmm. Food. I’m hungry and sleepy.

Happy Monday, y’all. If you see me today and I’m walking around like a zombie, just bring me another cup of Joe. Thanks.

Month of Mel 2012: Day 22

Welcome to Nightmare on Melf Street.

I had the most horrific dream last night. HORRIFIC. Unimaginable, even. And yet it happened not once…but twice. Yes. The same dream happened twice. I got up at 4:00 to watch TV and rid myself of the images that remained. I was awake for nearly an hour, went back to bed and dreamed the same dream. I couldn’t wake myself up, either.

I’m really slightly traumatized by it. I won’t go into graphic details because nobody else should be subjected to my nightmare but I will tell you, the main bad guy, looked a lot like the guy the actor who played Mitch Laurence on One Life to Live. This guy personifies creepy to me. Part of it is the smarmy character he portrayed and part of it is just the way he looks. Either way, let’s just say what he did was very brutal and even after he was captured, he got very angry and escaped his Hannibal Lector type bondage and came after me–again. In both dreams. He had Hulk strength and major anger and psychotic issues, but he never turned green.

Here are a few interpretations for some of the happenings going on in my dream (if you believe in this sort of thing.)

This dream indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you.” 

“This indicates negative feelings that are being pushed out of the unconscious. Feelings of hate, aggression or anger which you may have suppressed need to be addressed head on.”

“This suggests that you are feeling lost, overwhelmed, and/or inadequate. You feel that you are unable to take charge of yourself.”

“This indicates that you need to be re-energized.There may be a situation in your life that you are having difficulty in getting a handle on.”

 Hmmmm. Okay. Sounds like I may need to hit up a therapist soon. Or maybe retail therapy. Or Sand, Sun and Surf therapy. Or maybe Vitamin Margarita… or maybe just a sweet happy of some kind? Maybe I’ll run by Francesca’s or Box Turtle this weekend and see if I can’t treat myself to something sweet that will “re-energize” me. Oh, guess that qualifies as retail therapy.

Whatever that awful dream means, I can tell you one thing for sure–I never want to have that dream again.

don’t worry, I’ll save you.

In last night’s weird dreams, I was a WWII nurse. I was also a mercenary. I looked real damn good in my hot little nurse’s uniform, while I was kicking ass and taking names with my bad ass guns and big knife.

I don’t know where any of this came from. I do know that the dream ended with my plane going down in flames and I had to save myself and my patient.

So I hooked myself and dude up to our parachutes, and tossed him out of the plane, then I jumped out after him. Of course, my chute was completely buggered but somehow I managed to dive toward dude, attach myself to him and open his chute…thereby being a heroine of epic proportions. All the while still looking really damn hot in my nurse’s uniform.

It’s my dream, and I’d appreciate it if you’d just play along. Mkay? Thanks.
Today I plan to walk 4 miles at lunch. Don’t know if I can do 6 again…mainly because I don’t have the time. But also because my legs hate me today. But they can just keep on hating me…because I have an image to uphold. I can’t continue to wear a hot nurse’s uniforms in my dreams (and be a kick ass mercenary/angel of mercy) if my legs don’t look good…

a battle to the death and more…

It was an Eskimo Ninja battle of epic proportions that was fought without honor. Blood was shed. It was awesome!

Ruby actually embraced the snow after a while. She ran and hopped and played until she started shivering so much I was afraid she was gonna give herself brain damage.

We built forts that were pretty awesome. Double A (my niece) and I built snow bricks with a box and a plastic basket. Eventually Rader left the team of 4 boys to join us…and our fort rocked. The boys just packed snow over some plastic containers. Our snow fort was actually a fort, thankyouverymuch. Girls rock!

After the fort was built, we began to stockpile our ammunition.

While this was going on, the boys sent Ian over to “spy” on us.

There were no clear winners (hahahaha we kicked ass!) but a good time was had by all!

In other news, the sun is out today and the snow is already starting to melt. Thank goodness. I already feel the cabin fever eating away at my brain. (Mainly because I don’t have cable TV and daytime TV sucks!) Yes, I know, I should be more productive and do something like clean my house or finish laundry–but it’s a snow day! Who wants to work on a snow day?

Hope all of y’all are safe, happy and warm. Currently, I’m dreaming of a beach side hammock, a cocktail, and sexy cabana boy named El Jefe serving my every whim… 🙂

bad night

I’ve been up since 3:00. I hate realistic dreams nightmares. I hate them with a passion. Especially the ones that linger after I wake like a fist of dread in the pit of my stomach. Strangely enough, I’ve had a few of them recently and I’m ready for them to disappear.

This morning, I tried to get up and be productive but my head was too messed up to write or even clean. So I turned on the TV in my room (I have one now thanks to El Jefe’s generosity ♥) and I watched infomercials and drifted in and out of semi-consciousness.

Where the dreams continued. Gee thanks. I love being messed with all day by my vivid and very mean subconcious.

Anyway, I’m going to do my best to make it all go away by listening to music that makes me happy. I heard this song on the radio this morning, it almost pepped me up… 🙂 I think this needs to be everybody’s theme song.

Settlin’ by Sugarland

I ain’t settling for just getting by
I’ve had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain’t enough this time
I ain’t settling for anything less than everything

these dreams will suck you dry….


Last night I woke up at 3:30. I guess I had a lot on my mind because it took me a while to go back to sleep.

Unfortunately, when I did finally fade back into dreamland, I became a blood-sucking vampire.

I was much like the vampires I write about. I wasn’t allergic to light, was going to college(?) and was pretty cute. I didn’t have to feed on humans but if I got backed into a corner, I would.

The details are a little blurry, but I know I was out for a run with my friend and we stopped to talk to some guys that flagged us down. They were funny and flirty and we were happy for the attention. One of the guys asked what I did for a living and I told him I wrote vampire books and he was all excited because his mom was a school librarian and would want to meet me.

Sweet, right?


So this cutie-patootie takes me and my friend home and introduces me to his family. His dad is an Archie Bunker type who doesn’t get out of his recliner and his mom is this woman who I’d already met at a school function. What I didn’t know, is she also was aware that I was a real vampire and she was going to kill me.

Well, guess what? She tried and failed. And when we left her, she was writhing on the floor as her body was making a very painful transformation. I let her know that I could’ve killed her, but where was the fun in that?

I started to leave, but the cute boy was torn between avenging his mom and being turned on by my ugly bald head. (Can anyone explain why I was so cute in my ‘human’ form, but when I turned into a vampire I looked like this?

It was my dream, I should’ve looked like this:
We’re gonna pretend I looked like pic #2 from this point forward…

Okay, so my friend and I survive…I turn the boy into a vampire and he wants to be my puppy and follow me around but I tell him he needs to go feed to gain some strength so go find a couple of guys he hates from school and have at it.

Somehow my friend and I are now in a parking garage (nothing good ever happens in a parking garage). We’re getting ready to leave for vacation to the beach (because you know we vampires need our ocean air and vitamin D) She has to go to the bathroom and so we find one. (not really sure I would ever use a parking garage bathroom, but I might if I really had to) I finish before she does and for some reason I decide to wait outside the restroom. Well, I hear this loud commotion from inside and my friend screams. I try to get inside, but the door is blocked. I transform into the ghoulish bald monster (with a hot body) and kick the door down. There are 8 dudes and a chick in the bathroom with my friend, and I’m not really sure how they got in there but I don’t care. They’re vampires too and trying to feed on my friend. Well, I take the chick out first because seriously, what a ho. The weird thing about this part is I can actually feel and taste the blood and I said to her “What the hell kinda chick are you? You taste funny!” I woke up in the middle of killing the big biker dude who was trying to suck my friend dry…

Um, this isn’t the kinda book I write exactly, so I’m not sure why I dreamed this. Maybe it’s telling me I need to try something different? Or maybe I’m really a vampire?