Monthly Archives: January 2010

The Bachelor: BOOBS of Love

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I wasn’t going to do it. I wasn’t going to watch the Train Wreck Plane Crash that is The Bachelor: BOOBS Wings of Love. But between Maria Geraci and @jennchristman, I kinda had no choice.

And you’re in luck, because I tweeted the whole show. I won’t share all my tweets, just some of my faves.

18:58 I’ve been instructed by @jennchristman that I will be watching The
Bachelor. Since Heroes is dead to me & HIMYM is a rerun, I guess she’s rt

19:09 DEAR ABC: ON THE WINGS OF LOVE? REALLY? yes, that’s so bad, it
deserves all-caps. Shame on u for topping the cheese mtn w/ cheese whiz.

Jake is a pilot. He is very easy on the eyes and thankfully he goes without a shirt a lot. Unthankfully, every ho-testant has decided to offer up awesome plane euphemisms. (“I wanna be your co-pilot in life.” “You can land on my landing strip any time.”) No, I’m not kidding. This may be the best season yet.

19:21 vienna is not only a small sausage. She’s also on The Bachelor. She can’t walk in high heels & has ‘Mommy/Daughter’ days w/ her dog.

19:33 Rozlyn with a “z”… “My name means little rose. Fasten seatbelt/ bumpy ride.” Yes, She said that. She’s excluded frm Chicken Cutlet nt.

20:29 what kinda name is Tenley?

Okay, there is also a chick named Gia. So, these very special ho-testants have very unique names. Vienna is now known as Small Stinky Sausage Girl. Tenley is now Tetley Tea. I call Gia, Gigli.

Also, there was lots of gymnastics on the beach in bikinis. It must be a requirement for the show now.

19:43 I believe their bra sizes are all larger than their IQs. @jaciburton @cambriadillon @maureenmcgowan

19:44 they all have one thing in common: BOOBS.

20:29 The “biggest thing is, have fun” I thought the biggest thing were their BOOBS

Yes, this is why the show is no longer called Wings of Love.

20:30 Sausage (aka Vienna) is killing me with her “omgomgomg my heart is beating!”

20:33 OMG. There it is! The LANDING STRIP QUOTE! I HEARD IT!

20:37 SHE IS NOT WEARING A FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNIFORM! I love her the best.

20:37 This is Ella: Hi. I’m southern. I do hair (Hay-yer) and I have a kid. But I’ll be your babymaker!

20:41 PRETEND FIANCE? PRETEND FIANCE? Oh. Oh. Oh….that’s awesome.

Yes, Small Stinky Sausage Girl pretended to fall, then tried to play it off, then did the swooning girl thing. Though it may not have been a pretend fall, we did see her stumble in heels at the beginning of the show, just before she did a handstand.

Ella had on a pretty dress, but her southern accent was too BLUSH AND BASHFUL for me.

And I don’t even know the chick’s name who had a pretend fiance, gave him the ring and said “I’m ready to make it real now.” WHO DOES THIS?

20:50 Tetley Tea just called herself a cuddlebug & asked for a kiss. but she didn’t go in & actually give him a kiss. she kinda chickenlipped him

20:51 O.M.G. is he giving Tetley Tea the first impression rose?

20:52 u were very memorable…he says. Why because she’s named after a teabag?

20:53 he obviously doesn’t know the difference b/t “kiss” and “chickenlip”

I don’t even have to explain the above.

And now for the Rose Ceremony:

20:55 Rose ceremony. HAY-YER just got her rose. She is so Graytfuyul

20:56 just once, I’d like a ho to say “No. I don’t want yo rose.” But this isn’t “Flava of Rose”

20:56 did landing strip get rejected? Dood.

20:57 he cut the landing strip and co-pilot girl. and girl in ugly green dress w/ gap b/t her teeth.

20:58 cry ugly green dress girl! CRY! it’s heartbreaking after 4 hours, isn’t it, hon?

20:58 Poor girl with short hair. She’s never watched the show. Short hair girls don’t win. Best to get cut now.

Jake has very little substance. I think ABC needs to capitalize on his hot bod and start a marketing campaign: The Bachelor: SHUT UP JAKE AND TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

I’m not sure I can watch this every week, especially since I tuned in and watched CONVEYOR BELT OF LOVE afterward. No I’m not kidding. There is not enough booze in the world to survive that morsel of pain.

10 things I learned at the Liberty Bowl

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So the Arkansas Razorbacks played in the Liberty Bowl this weekend and I was one of the 62,000 fools who attended.

It was farking cold.

Here are a list of things I learned from our trip this weekend:

  1. Bud Light with Lime tastes like Kool-Aid.
  2. If you drink a few Bud Light with Limes while traveling to Memphis, you will have to stop to pee 5 times.
  3. There are NOT ENOUGH LAYERS IN THE WORLD to keep you warm when the wind chill is -100.
  4. You will stop partaking in adult beverages after you use the port-o-potty.
  5. If you’re walking to the port-o-potties and every person along the way warns you away from potty #3–you listen.
  6. It’s okay to leave the game early.
  7. Sometimes GPS systems are stupid.
  8. Nothing brings white boys to the dance floor faster than Vanilla Ice.
  9. Guys today think that “dancing” is the same as “leg humping.”
  10. McDonald’s for breakfast tastes really, really, really good after freezing at a football game and being leg humped on Beale Street.

We had a great time. The Hogs won (finally) and it only took me two days to thaw out. Now we have snow here in little Rock…school didn’t start back today. But I still have to go to work. How uncool is that?

brrrrr

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I’ll be at the Liberty Bowl today and taking Memphis hostage tonight. It’s gonna be c-c-c-c-c-c-c-cold! The high is only 34 degrees, so Ima gonna be bundling up with lotsa layers and a blanket. I may be a fool for sitting outside watching foozball in dis here weather, but I ain’t stupid.

GO HOGS!

Woo Pig Sooie!

and one last time: Shirley Q Liquor’s Razorback Fight Song

2010: day the 1st

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Last year, I chose 3 words to describe the previous year (2008) and 3 words to describe the coming year (2009). Let’s see if I did a good job predicting what 2009 would be for me.

2009
centered
bright
determined

I believe the first half of 2009 was very much these things for me. And I believe determined made it all the way through the year. Bright managed to finish the race, but I lost my shimmer every once in a while. Centered fell away sometime in the summer and never returned.

Overall, I feel pretty good about the words I chose. I think Centered was replaced by Frustrated.

2010
focused
sparkly
fun

What three words are you going to use to describe the coming year? What 3 words would you describe 2009 with?

Here are the things I planned to accomplish in 2009:
Be a better mother (Check)
Be a more disciplined writer (Nope. Not even close)
Run the 10K and keep training for a half-marathon (Did 5K and decided I’m more a walker than a runner. Also lost 35lbs)
Get a tattoo for my 40th birthday (Check)
Laugh every day at least once (Check)

2010’s list:
BE A MORE DISCIPLINED WRITER. (maybe if I put it at the top of the list and in all caps…)
Cook something new at least once a month.
Continue to exercise 4+ days a week and lose final 30 lbs.
Spend more fun time with the boys.
Teach Ian how to drive.
Laugh every day at least once. (this should be on everyone’s list every year, don’t ya think?)

I don’t think of these as resolutions, just goals I hope to accomplish. What are your goals?

Welcome 2010. It’s gonna be a great year.