Ruby Tuesday!

Welcome to Tuesday! Where I will, from now on, feature a new pitiful picture of my pug RUBY.

WHY SO SAD RUBY? Oh never mind, you just caught up on the Red Wedding, didn't you?

WHY SO SAD RUBY? Oh never mind, you just caught up on the Red Wedding, didn’t you?

Oh, Ruby. It’s so hard being you.

Sunday morning, I finally tried to pull myself out of bed and was all “It’s time to get out of bed, Ruby.” And this was her response:

pitifully shuffle on her belly to my leg, and “flump” her head down with a giant sigh, in the crook of my knee while staring at me with such a wretched stare, that I had to lie back to overcome the sadness.

the sadness--it overtakes you.

the sadness–it overtakes you.

I read this article today about a large-breasted teen who was denied entry to her prom because her boobs were too big. She was told to wear a wrap around her shoulders or she wouldn’t be allowed entrance.

I feel your pain, sister. Your back pain, that is...

I feel your pain, sister. Your back pain, that is…

Her parents are asking for a public apology because they don’t feel the “no cleavage” rule was actually being fairly enforced. As her mother said “All women are not created equal, and you can not compare a golf ball to a grapefruit. It ain’t gonna happen.”

Damn right.

That dress is very age appropriate and lovely. Shame on that school for shaming her for what she comes by naturally.

This stupid head cold of mine is trying to kick my ass. And now, I’ve spread my germs to Jefe. We are THE HOUSE OF THE INFECTED. Enter at your own risk.

My mom called from Down Under yesterday. She’s having a great time! They were just at The Ayers Rock and were heading to Queensland. She’s going to New Zealand soon. All-in-all she will be Down Under for almost a month! I’m so happy that she’s fulfilling her dream! Let’s hope that when I’m 74, I’ll be able to rock life like she does. IF THIS STUPID COLD LET’S ME LIVE THAT LONG.


Happy Rack Day!

The Governor declared today to be Happy Rack Day. Okay fine, it’s really called Go Pink Friday, but I think I like Happy Rack Day better. Anyway, save the ta tas, wear pink. So I am.

I’m also supporting my little piggies because my pink shirt is also a razorback shirt. And let’s face it, they can use all the support they can get right now…

Also, I’m sporting my new hair cut. Thank you, Katie for bringing back my bangs. I have missed them so! And I do love my Go Go Red!!

It’s gonna get cold and rainy this weekend. No me gusta. Yes, I love fall, but not cold, rainy fall!

Anyway, hope you guys have a great weekend. Don’t forget to check for lumps…and remember, it’s okay to ask for help. 🙂

Click Here and do some real good.

So yesterday I got probably a half a dozen inbox messages from FB friends urging me to participate in the latest “Breast Cancer Awareness” status update game. Last year, it was “Post the Color of Your Bra”, which at least somehow made sense–Bras–Breasts–ah ok.

This year’s supposed game? Stupid. Ridiculous. Asinine. Your birthday month is assigned a number of weeks and your birthdate is given a “craving” and you’re supposed to post: “I’m X Weeks and Craving X” So mine would have been, “I’m 3 weeks and craving mint chocolate.” or something like that.

Really? Do you want to tell me exactly how this is going to raise any kind of breast cancer awareness? Do you not realize this makes you look like a moron. This is what I posted instead:

And then my friend Sherri Jones (who works for ACS) posted in my comments about she’ll gladly take $50 for the American Cancer Society. And I decided, guess what, you get it sister. I’m donating $25 today and $25 next month. Because THAT’S how you raise awareness. You raise money.

Do me a favor, don’t post that stupid game which leaves everyone rolling their eyes. Do some real good and donate some money to ACS or to the charity of your choice. Here’s a quick and easy link. And here’s another. Even $10 would go a long way.

Thanks y’all. And to my fellow Americans? Happy Labor Day. Hope you enjoy your long weekend! I know I will.

Start Me Up! er STAT me up!

We haven’t done a stats blog in a while. I always find what people “google” to find my website very, very interesting. (by the way, when I do these blogs I always think “Stat Me Up” but then start singing “Start Me Up” by the Stones… Go figure…)

I’m getting a lot of searches for CNBC Anchor Melissa Francis again. She must be stirring the controversy pot or wearing lots of cleavage shirts on the boob tube (hee hee!) You know, to show off her healthy lungs. I’ve blogged about her before…and even did an interview with her… CNBC Melissa Francis (sorry some of the picture links and direct links to archived blogs are still broken.)

She’s very funny to chat with. I nearly had a stroke the day she emailed me a couple of years ago suggesting I post a few naked pics of her (well, her
head on Meghan Fox’s body) so she could mooch off the attention.

Best. Email. Ever. I’m gonna have to let her know people seem to be very interested in seeing her naked again. And they really like her legs, too. And cleavage. I get it, Internetz! CNBC Melissa Francis is hot! Fine. Hmph. This is my blog and I’m hot, too. Uh. nevermind.

I’ve had a significant increase of people actually looking for Melissa Francis the Writer. <— hey! that’s me! I’ve had a lot of MILF searches, as well. <—- Hey that’s me! Some Lucas Black/Sling Blade searches, and one:

Marry Me, Melissa.

Wow. Where’s my ring? I won’t even consider this a real proposal without a ring. Got it? Also, I need a few details before I commit to a lifetime with you. First off, what’s your name? Are you gainfully employeed? Will I be allowed to continue to date El Jefe?

My favorite two recent search terms?

Secret deoderant how to open

small, blonde country singer singing about bitchin’ about her man. <–I did NOT make that up. Someone from Dillsburg, Pennsylvania searched for that. Sorry to say, I’m pretty sure you didn’t find what you were looking for.

In other news, I’ve been experiencing an increased amount of anxiety lately and I don’t like it. Nope, not one bit. I know there are things that I can’t control and I used to let that stuff roll off my back like water, but lately I’ve been letting it seep in and make my blood boil. Not healthy. So I think I’m going to start running again. Okay, “running” again. Because when I exercise regularly, my blood is too tired to boil…
In other Other news… the Old 97’s have a new album out this week… Must. Have. ❤ ❤ ❤
In other Other OTHER news… we had Wine Wednesday last night for my friend Cathie’s bday but I just drank water (see anxiety. Booze = bad news for high BP…even though I like to pretend it really relaxes me…) So it was Wineless Wednesday. I have it on good authority (the voices in my head) that Kim Cattrall Crawford missed me terribly. BUT…I also have it on better authority that she’s still on sale for $13.99 at Colonial Wine and Spirits…usually she’s $18.99 a bottle…I may have to stock up. For medicinal purposes. Er, I mean for when I’m no longer allowing stupid shit to bother me…

In other Other OTHER OTHER… yeah, I got nuffin. I’m done here. Have a very happy Thursday!

it’s not polite to leer

Let’s face it. We all know that I am a bit lucky in the breasticle area. I have a rack and I don’t worry about hiding it. (because seriously, where on earth would I hide it? Behind a barn? Wearing a tent? No thanks)

Yesterday I wore a cleavage dress and I will admit that my girls looked pretty good. It was a good boob day. (I know, you’re asking if there is ever a bad boob day–trust me, there is.) They weren’t all out there in their own zipcode and they weren’t pandering at the corner, but they also weren’t wearing wallpaper and blending into the background either.

I’m used to the occasional glance of appreciation and even the occasional “HELLO THERE” stare. What I am NOT used to and will NEVER be used to is the leer.

And yesterday, while sitting at THE LONGEST STOP LIGHT EVER, I was the recipient of a leer.

A really creepy, old dude in a moving truck leer.

You know how you just know when someone in the car next to you is staring and you don’t wanna look over at them but then you do anyway? Yeah, that’s what happened and I wish I hadn’t. Ugh.

Finally, the light changed and I moved forward only to have Mr. McLeeryPants driving at the same pace. Still leering. And possibly drooling a little while he was mouth-breathing. Gross. Close your mouth, CroMagnon. Thanks.

So I did what any smart girl in my situation would do. I hit the brakes and he flew right by…

Then I gave him the inverted finger:

Then I requested a fly by from the tower and was denied. But I did it anyway and made the dude spill coffee on his uniform and after getting my ass properly handed to me, I went to the beach to watch a little volleyball action.

Best end to the day ever… (the scene is in Spanish which just adds a little spice…)

Hope you guys have a great weekend!

back from Cleavage, um I mean, Beaver Lake

It takes 4 hours to drive to Beaver Lake. My air is out in my car. I was swimming in my own sweat by the time I arrived.

It was so worth it.

I am back. Relaxed. And ready to rock.

Oh. and I tried out a new bathing suit…you guys think I’ve done cleavage before? Um no. This suit was made in Cleavagetown designed by Cleavage von Cleavageton. I love the suit, but I’m not so sure it’s suitable for mixed company. Or at least if children are nearby. Like in the same county.

I thought about posting a picture, but then I might have to change the rating of this blog…

Oh hell. Why not? You tell me, yay or nay? Do I bravely wear this suit amongst the mere mortals or do I wear it only amongst my goddess like girlfriends?

Did y’all have a good weekend?

The Bachelor: BOOBS of Love

I wasn’t going to do it. I wasn’t going to watch the Train Wreck Plane Crash that is The Bachelor: BOOBS Wings of Love. But between Maria Geraci and @jennchristman, I kinda had no choice.

And you’re in luck, because I tweeted the whole show. I won’t share all my tweets, just some of my faves.

18:58 I’ve been instructed by @jennchristman that I will be watching The
Bachelor. Since Heroes is dead to me & HIMYM is a rerun, I guess she’s rt

19:09 DEAR ABC: ON THE WINGS OF LOVE? REALLY? yes, that’s so bad, it
deserves all-caps. Shame on u for topping the cheese mtn w/ cheese whiz.

Jake is a pilot. He is very easy on the eyes and thankfully he goes without a shirt a lot. Unthankfully, every ho-testant has decided to offer up awesome plane euphemisms. (“I wanna be your co-pilot in life.” “You can land on my landing strip any time.”) No, I’m not kidding. This may be the best season yet.

19:21 vienna is not only a small sausage. She’s also on The Bachelor. She can’t walk in high heels & has ‘Mommy/Daughter’ days w/ her dog.

19:33 Rozlyn with a “z”… “My name means little rose. Fasten seatbelt/ bumpy ride.” Yes, She said that. She’s excluded frm Chicken Cutlet nt.

20:29 what kinda name is Tenley?

Okay, there is also a chick named Gia. So, these very special ho-testants have very unique names. Vienna is now known as Small Stinky Sausage Girl. Tenley is now Tetley Tea. I call Gia, Gigli.

Also, there was lots of gymnastics on the beach in bikinis. It must be a requirement for the show now.

19:43 I believe their bra sizes are all larger than their IQs. @jaciburton @cambriadillon @maureenmcgowan

19:44 they all have one thing in common: BOOBS.

20:29 The “biggest thing is, have fun” I thought the biggest thing were their BOOBS

Yes, this is why the show is no longer called Wings of Love.

20:30 Sausage (aka Vienna) is killing me with her “omgomgomg my heart is beating!”

20:33 OMG. There it is! The LANDING STRIP QUOTE! I HEARD IT!


20:37 This is Ella: Hi. I’m southern. I do hair (Hay-yer) and I have a kid. But I’ll be your babymaker!

20:41 PRETEND FIANCE? PRETEND FIANCE? Oh. Oh. Oh….that’s awesome.

Yes, Small Stinky Sausage Girl pretended to fall, then tried to play it off, then did the swooning girl thing. Though it may not have been a pretend fall, we did see her stumble in heels at the beginning of the show, just before she did a handstand.

Ella had on a pretty dress, but her southern accent was too BLUSH AND BASHFUL for me.

And I don’t even know the chick’s name who had a pretend fiance, gave him the ring and said “I’m ready to make it real now.” WHO DOES THIS?

20:50 Tetley Tea just called herself a cuddlebug & asked for a kiss. but she didn’t go in & actually give him a kiss. she kinda chickenlipped him

20:51 O.M.G. is he giving Tetley Tea the first impression rose?

20:52 u were very memorable…he says. Why because she’s named after a teabag?

20:53 he obviously doesn’t know the difference b/t “kiss” and “chickenlip”

I don’t even have to explain the above.

And now for the Rose Ceremony:

20:55 Rose ceremony. HAY-YER just got her rose. She is so Graytfuyul

20:56 just once, I’d like a ho to say “No. I don’t want yo rose.” But this isn’t “Flava of Rose”

20:56 did landing strip get rejected? Dood.

20:57 he cut the landing strip and co-pilot girl. and girl in ugly green dress w/ gap b/t her teeth.

20:58 cry ugly green dress girl! CRY! it’s heartbreaking after 4 hours, isn’t it, hon?

20:58 Poor girl with short hair. She’s never watched the show. Short hair girls don’t win. Best to get cut now.

Jake has very little substance. I think ABC needs to capitalize on his hot bod and start a marketing campaign: The Bachelor: SHUT UP JAKE AND TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

I’m not sure I can watch this every week, especially since I tuned in and watched CONVEYOR BELT OF LOVE afterward. No I’m not kidding. There is not enough booze in the world to survive that morsel of pain.

we did it all for the boobies

The Meander Race for the Cure was a big success this weekend. Pictures…I have them.

It’s Friday Night and Time for a Party Potty!

The Little Rock Bunko Babes sponsored a port-o-potty to honor Dauphne’s mom, who died earlier this year. She was a truck driver, so we decided our potty should be a big rig.

Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl… Yes, we named her Lola. I mean, she wore stars in her hair and had feathers down to there…

The front of our big rig in progress.

The side. Notice the lovely details like the mirror (objects are closer than they appear) and the Bunko Babes Trucking logo.

No big rig is complete without a mudflap.

Here’s a close-up. Yes, it’s the worst kind of awesome. No, I will not admit that I drew it. Nor will I admit to laughing until I cried as I drew it. Mudflap–Simpson’s style. Or would it be more like Futurama?

After the Party at the Potty, we all went to Underground Pub for a night of fun and what ended up being a White People Can’t Dance competition. We ended an awesome day with an extra big scoop of more awesome.

Saturday was Meander Race day!

Here’s the thing about doing a 5K with 45,000 other people…it isn’t a race. Not even close. It’s amazing to see…all those people wearing pink trying to walk 3 miles…but it’s really a slow moving river of pink. Not a walk. and certainly not a real race. Except for the race winner who ran the circuit in 18 minutes. Um, I’m pretty sure she was finishing just as my group was finally reaching the starting line. It took us 1 hour and 26 minutes to complete the 5K. It drove me nuts. I can’t handle that slow…so Sunday I got up and walked 5 miles in an hour to make myself feel better.

Me and Jenn C. Even blurry we’re awful damn cute.

The group left to right: Linda C. Pam (in front), Carla, Liz, Dauphne, Jenn C. Not pictured: me, Cassandra, Kim, Rachel (I think I got everyone that was there…)

This year we had over 45,000 ‘racers’

It’s an awe-inspiring thing to experience that much estrogen & pink before 9 a.m. on a Saturday.

What’s hotter than a dude on a Harley? Lots of dudes on Harleys, revving their bikes and wearing pink. *swoon*

Overall, it was a great day and I can’t wait til next year. Thanks again to all who donated to the cause!

technical difficulties and other stuff

Yeah, we’re not really sure what’s up with the blog formatting. We added an Events tab and for whatever reason, my blog decided to go wonky. Hopefully we’ll get it fixed soon.

Meanwhile, I’m hanging out in my cube, staring out the window waiting on the sun that THEY PROMISED we’d see today. I don’t see nuttin’ but gray. How do you folks in the Northwest handle all this gloom? It’s seriously messing with my sparkle.

Tomorrow is the Race for the Cure. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU to all who donated! My goal was $150 and as of yesterday, I’ve raised $250! You guys are awesome! (It’s not too late to donate…just puttin’ it out there…) I’ll be decorating a porta-potty tonight (will be wearing rubber gloves) and then first thing in the morning, I’ll be joining 41,000 other participants in the race. Will take lots of pics.

Okay, since I need some sparkle, I’m posting a pic that makes me happy. You guys have a great weekend!

Ahhhhh. I can feel the heat of the missing sun on my legs RIGHT NOW.

thank you!

I have the most generous friends in the world. Thank you so much for helping me to exceed my donation goal of $150! You guys rock.

If you still want to donate, it’s not too late. Check out My Personal Page. Maybe I’ll be the #1 fundraiser for my team 🙂 I hear there’s a prize. I love prizes…

I’ll be walking next Saturday to Save the Tatas and I’ll be sure to post lots of pics. Hey Dauphne, are we still decorating a port-o-potty?