Hey it’s Monday! Please pass the Advil

Or something stronger if you’ve got it.

I woke with a migraine this morning. Haven’t had one in a while. I think the bleach I used yesterday afternoon must have triggered it. Either way, I don’t look so swell, and the light is bothering me so I keep squinting, which makes my head hurt more.

The good news is, I’ll get over it.

This weekend was a good one! Friday night was spent glued to the tv telling man-in-the-boat jokes while they arrested the asshole. I also spent quite a bit of time hammering state Rep Nate Bell (@NateBell4AR) for his moronic and insensitive tweet about Boston liberals and then his even more insulting “apology”. I mean, seriously? Between Jason Rapert, Nate Bell and now Mark Pryor…Arkansas looks like a bunch of backward idiots. It’s infuriating to those of us who love our state and want people to treat us with respect. Our State Representatives are not representing us well at all.

Seriously? He apologized for the TIMING? What a moron.
Saturday I played queen of the John Deere, then met some friends at US Pizza for a little nosh and beverage. Then we had an impromptu firepit night…and really had a great time. I miss living in town sometimes, but I love nights like Saturday, where we light up the fire and hang out til all hours and enjoy the hell out of a great evening.

 Hope you guys had a lovely weekend and that if you’re experiencing a migraine today, like I am, that you’re able to suck it up and sparkle on. It ain’t easy, but I’m trying!

The Bachelor: BOOBS of Love

I wasn’t going to do it. I wasn’t going to watch the Train Wreck Plane Crash that is The Bachelor: BOOBS Wings of Love. But between Maria Geraci and @jennchristman, I kinda had no choice.

And you’re in luck, because I tweeted the whole show. I won’t share all my tweets, just some of my faves.

18:58 I’ve been instructed by @jennchristman that I will be watching The
Bachelor. Since Heroes is dead to me & HIMYM is a rerun, I guess she’s rt

19:09 DEAR ABC: ON THE WINGS OF LOVE? REALLY? yes, that’s so bad, it
deserves all-caps. Shame on u for topping the cheese mtn w/ cheese whiz.

Jake is a pilot. He is very easy on the eyes and thankfully he goes without a shirt a lot. Unthankfully, every ho-testant has decided to offer up awesome plane euphemisms. (“I wanna be your co-pilot in life.” “You can land on my landing strip any time.”) No, I’m not kidding. This may be the best season yet.

19:21 vienna is not only a small sausage. She’s also on The Bachelor. She can’t walk in high heels & has ‘Mommy/Daughter’ days w/ her dog.

19:33 Rozlyn with a “z”… “My name means little rose. Fasten seatbelt/ bumpy ride.” Yes, She said that. She’s excluded frm Chicken Cutlet nt.

20:29 what kinda name is Tenley?

Okay, there is also a chick named Gia. So, these very special ho-testants have very unique names. Vienna is now known as Small Stinky Sausage Girl. Tenley is now Tetley Tea. I call Gia, Gigli.

Also, there was lots of gymnastics on the beach in bikinis. It must be a requirement for the show now.

19:43 I believe their bra sizes are all larger than their IQs. @jaciburton @cambriadillon @maureenmcgowan

19:44 they all have one thing in common: BOOBS.

20:29 The “biggest thing is, have fun” I thought the biggest thing were their BOOBS

Yes, this is why the show is no longer called Wings of Love.

20:30 Sausage (aka Vienna) is killing me with her “omgomgomg my heart is beating!”

20:33 OMG. There it is! The LANDING STRIP QUOTE! I HEARD IT!

20:37 SHE IS NOT WEARING A FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNIFORM! I love her the best.

20:37 This is Ella: Hi. I’m southern. I do hair (Hay-yer) and I have a kid. But I’ll be your babymaker!

20:41 PRETEND FIANCE? PRETEND FIANCE? Oh. Oh. Oh….that’s awesome.

Yes, Small Stinky Sausage Girl pretended to fall, then tried to play it off, then did the swooning girl thing. Though it may not have been a pretend fall, we did see her stumble in heels at the beginning of the show, just before she did a handstand.

Ella had on a pretty dress, but her southern accent was too BLUSH AND BASHFUL for me.

And I don’t even know the chick’s name who had a pretend fiance, gave him the ring and said “I’m ready to make it real now.” WHO DOES THIS?

20:50 Tetley Tea just called herself a cuddlebug & asked for a kiss. but she didn’t go in & actually give him a kiss. she kinda chickenlipped him

20:51 O.M.G. is he giving Tetley Tea the first impression rose?

20:52 u were very memorable…he says. Why because she’s named after a teabag?

20:53 he obviously doesn’t know the difference b/t “kiss” and “chickenlip”

I don’t even have to explain the above.

And now for the Rose Ceremony:

20:55 Rose ceremony. HAY-YER just got her rose. She is so Graytfuyul

20:56 just once, I’d like a ho to say “No. I don’t want yo rose.” But this isn’t “Flava of Rose”

20:56 did landing strip get rejected? Dood.

20:57 he cut the landing strip and co-pilot girl. and girl in ugly green dress w/ gap b/t her teeth.

20:58 cry ugly green dress girl! CRY! it’s heartbreaking after 4 hours, isn’t it, hon?

20:58 Poor girl with short hair. She’s never watched the show. Short hair girls don’t win. Best to get cut now.

Jake has very little substance. I think ABC needs to capitalize on his hot bod and start a marketing campaign: The Bachelor: SHUT UP JAKE AND TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

I’m not sure I can watch this every week, especially since I tuned in and watched CONVEYOR BELT OF LOVE afterward. No I’m not kidding. There is not enough booze in the world to survive that morsel of pain.

a jumble-aya

Monday is my day at Fictionistas. I posted some random tidbits about myself.

This weekend was a good one…mainly b/c the Hogs put the smackdown on the Auburn Tigers! YAY! 2 tough wins in a row and our first conference win against a ranked team!

I did some cleaning, laundry, and…I did some PLOTTING! Yes! I worked with my pal Maria and came up with a decent little story idea. Can’t talk about it right now, but I’m working on the synopsis/proposal.

It felt good to work on something new again.

I discovered that my pal Gwen Hayes got into a Twitter Fight with Scott Baio over the weekend. I’m sad to find out that Chachi is actually a tool. He crushed my childhood crush. Guess it’s a good thing I liked Leif Garret better. (though truthfully, Chachi did age better than Leif…however, I’m over both of them now. LOL)

It’s still rainy and overcast and making me feel like I live in the Pacific Northwest instead of Little Rock, AR. My mood is very much influenced by the weather, so I’m ready for some clear, crisp fall days. I’m tired of feeling tired.

I caught up on some dvr’d shows. I’m really digging Cougar Town and Modern Family. Mad Men is a little disappointing this season, but I’m sticking with it. Drop Dead Diva is my new favorite off-season show (finale was last night) and I’m kinda back into Grey’s Anatomy now that they’ve killed off George. (I actually liked George, but I never could understand how that puppy got so much tail in the show. Really seemed out of character for his character.) I love The Mentalist. Hell’s Kitchen is the best of the worst this season–seriously, I’m not sure how any of the top 3 will manage being a head chef (that said, I really do love Dave). And I thought they kicked off the wrong person in Project Runway last week.

I heart the DVR. Best creation ever.

Anything going on with you guys? Any TV you’re loving/hating/leaving in the dust?

DC day 1 #rwa09

Okay, yesterday was a big blur of grungy travel, poor planning, and sheer exhaustion.

I finally got into my room at 4 after a tiring check-in process. Then I filmed a super sekrit interview which y’all will see soon, but no comment on it until then. Then I had dinner and drinks with Colleen Gleason, Merrilee Whren, and Terrie McLaughlin. Then I had one more glass of wine with Colleen, Janice Lynn, and Lindsey Brooks. But I was tired, so I couldn’t stay awake any longer.

Besides, Maria and I had been two ships passing in the night, so I needed to see her!

I slept hard (thankfully) and am just about raring to go now. Will report in later when things really get rolling.

Oh. just in case you don’t follow me on Twitter… there’s a plunger in the hallway on my floor. I’ve named him Kyle. I’m thinking he may be here for a while…

one day THAT Melissa Francis will be confused for ME

It happens here quite often. People google Melissa Francis and they expect to find CNBC’s host of The Call and former child star of Little House on the Prairie, Melissa “Missy” Francis.

She is not me. I am not her. We are not the same.

Yesterday, during my day-o-twittering, I got an @reply from @Shoq who thought I was the other Melissa Francis.

Original tweet

@contessabrewer Perhaps @MelissaFrancis could share more of her insipid sidebar remarks about taxes, teaparties, other right wing memes?

This tickled me on so many levels. I replied immediately:

original tweet

@Shoq @contessaBrewer I’m not that Melissa Francis. I’m also not insipid.

and before he read my reply, he re-tweeted (I prefer tweeted to twittered. sorry) @liberalchik and included me in the message:

original tweet

RT @liberalchik: RT @Shoq: Melissa something//shes irritating..kinda Fauxish //KINDA FOXISH? This bimbo @melissaFrancis is ALL FOXish.

To which I reply:

original tweet

@liberalchik I am a fox, but I am not *that* Melissa Francis.

Then I get:
original tweet

Sorry to @MelissaFRANCIS. Wrong one. I thought you were the MSNBC bimbo. Apologies

and I reply
original tweet

@Shoq nope. I’m the author. One day ppl will think she’s me. LOL

original tweet

RT @MelissaFrancis: I’m the author. One day ppl will think she’s me. LOL //Well, if you’re not insipid or a RW tool, WELCOME 🙂

original tweet

@Shoq def not insipid or a RW tool. I’m not a douche either. Actually, I’m kinda awesome.

@liberalchik then apologizes

RT @MelissaFrancis: @liberalchik I am a fox, but I am not *that* Melissa Francis.//sorry bout that.

and I end the conversation with:

@liberalchik no worries. it was bound to happen sooner or later! LOL

So to wrap this up. I am not @MelissaCNBC I am @MelissaFrancis the awesome, undouche-like, unt00l-like, un-RightWinged author*. My first book (BITE ME!) comes out in approximately 7 weeks, and you can pre-order it now. You can check out my book website at HAVEYOUBEENBITTEN.COM

*repeating the tweet. I have no knowledge of @MelissaCNBC‘s real personality. She may be the nicest person on the planet. I know that people think she has great legs because I see “melissa francis cnbc legs” in my stats all the time.

And Melissa, if you’re reading this, nice to meet you. I can’t wait for the day when someone comes up to you and asks, “Are you the author of that awesome book BITE ME!?”

haiku hatred

Yesterday, while on twitter, I joked about having an all haiku twittering day.

I was unprepared for the deluge of Haiku Hatred replies that I received. Totally unprepared.

I had no idea that people hated Haiku. How can you hate Haiku?

My new TBF (TwitterBestFriend) @jenthegingerkid (visit her online at http://jenthegingerkid.blogspot.com/) threatened to unfollow me if I twittered in Haiku. Of course, this devastated me. How could she unfollow me over Haiku? Everyone loves Haiku.

But then the @replies continued to pour in. Only three of my Tweeps encouraged me to Haiku. (and that @amiestuart only wanted me to so that @jenthegingerkid’s head would explode)

So I gotta know:

Why you be hatin’
What has haiku done to you
Don’t be a hater

I will admit to having to stifle the desire to haiku all day today. I also will admit another little secret that I don’t think @jenthegingerkid picked up on this morning…my first tweet to her was a haiku. My oppositional-defiant nature couldn’t resist.

MelissaFrancis: @jenthegingerkid
good morning my friend.
Did u get a good nt’s sleep?
Have u missed me much?

Oh yes. I’m good.

Of course, now that I’ve outed myself, will she forgive me or will she unfollow me? We shall soon see…

daily tweets for 6/20/08 and stuff

All the guys in the family have soccer today–Fishdog included. I have my iPod, my chair, my ice chest and my book ready to go.

Y’all have a great day!

Yesterday’s Tweets:
Daily Tweets

07:20 Morning came way too early for me. where’s the coffee. #

07:22 @uniquelysteph Yeah. I know. But some Network shows aren’t boring. Even the dialogue had me yawning. #

07:26 Lit Agent Nathan Bransford at Fictionistas: tinyurl.com/5t4r92 #

10:03 need a good, in your face funny, book recommendation. Got one? Preferably one with an HEA… #

10:07 i have a headache. bleh. #

10:11 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BRO! #

10:14 @DaynaHart I need a mega cup now. will have diet coke instead. sigh. #

11:22 oxford house is showing at 2 today. everyone send vibes they love it. Been on the market 11 months now. Aaaaaack! #

11:39 @Romantic_Heretc thank you! #

11:41 Lady wearing too much cheap perfume not helping headache! #

11:46 Why does cheap perfume linger so long? #

12:32 @stormerider I don’t understand it either. Of course, I really notice it the days I have headaches… LOL #

12:35 am checking into twitterfox when I get home #

12:37 @dooce I have to know what camera you have. You take the best pictures ever for your blog and I’m jealous. #

12:50 The count down to Mex-to-go has begun. #

15:25 have downloaded twitterfox. am now trying to figure it out. #

15:27 okay. this is nifty. I’m already digging twitterfox and I’ve only twitterfoxed once. #

15:27 @DaynaHart i’m thinking i’m liking this foxy bitch a lot. #

15:44 @markdavidgerson probably not much different. I just use firefox and twitterfox is an addon for firefox #

15:44 @markdavidgerson I just didn’t have any desktop twitter client and needed one #

16:34 @alisonkent you totally should. get a desktop client like twitterfox or twhirl. You’ll twitter more often #

16:42 @Angeleque isn’t she just the little twitterfox pusher? #

16:47 just got a call from the mechanic. Alas, the ‘easy’ fix was not actually a fix. #

16:47 I really, really, really don’t want to put too much money into a 10 year old 167K mile mini-van #

16:53 @barbaravey you’ve been very quiet today my friend. #

17:39 somebody please tell my hubby that jerry lewis is annoying and should NEVER be watched when I’m in the room. #

18:02 @Romantic_Heretc hang in there! It’ll all work out. You’ll see!! #

18:44 tomorrow will be an all day soccer affair. #

18:56 I am just a little bit frightened that I’ve allowed my son to set up a facebook page. the rule is, he has to be my friend… #

20:12 omg. we forgot we had a party to go to! crap. Not just any party…a Love Boat party. I’m Charo.

Daily Tweets for 06/19/08

Daily Tweets
08:16 you know what? unlimited income and a cabana boy would be a very good thing. just saying… #
09:01 1 hour down…4 to go. I forsee a long-ass-day. #
09:01 twitter is irritating me. It’s only taking some of my tweets. #
10:34 having a mt. dew for the first time in ages. Woo that’s sweet. Why doesn’t the machine at work stock Coke Zero? #
11:51 gave in and sent MSNBC an email about ‘bodice rippers’. I’m like a dog with a bone… #
12:32 speaking of bones…sending love @lillianfeisty! #
12:55 4 minutes and counting. #
13:10 Gas prices r killing me #
15:35 for today’s moment in irony: tinyurl.com/6p6m89 #
17:04 trying to figure out what I want to do tonight. Kinda want to just veg in front of the tv. #
17:30 having a lovely Diamond Bear beer. Yum. #
20:12 @SouthernGrowth yes. but I won’t tell. #
20:15 watching Hell’s Kitchen again with Fishdog. #
20:21 from mark: Did you say “tarted up” or ‘tarded up? Cuz there’s a difference. #
20:53 Diamond Bear Brewery is based in Little Rock…and their Pale Ale is Rock. Awesome. #
21:15 watching Swingtown. I had high hopes. It’s kinda boring. #