Public Service Announcement

Dear Ladies with Breastesess,

(I’m talking to you of the actual DD+ cup size)

I have discovered Victoria’s Secret.

Apparently their soul purpose is to cater to those of the small breasts…to make them feel better about themselves. Which is a very valiant purpose, if indeed those who are less blessed in the chesticle area need to have their spirits lifted. However, it’s false advertising when someone like myself who wants a bra that fits and makes me look like Heidi Klum with more curves. Because Vicki’s Secret is they don’t measure a cup past DD. So I’ve been a DD for a long time. And that was wrong. So very wrong.

Yesterday, I wore a strapless dress and by the end of the afternoon, I was very distressed by the state of my girls. They seemed very sad. They were giving up. So I drove myself straight to Dillard’s and begged for help.

Let me just tell you, the twins are very happy with their new zip code and housing units.

Ladies. Please…go somewhere other than Vicki to be measured. Dillard’s, Nordstroms, Barbara Graves (in Little Rock)… Your girls will appreciate it. And so will your back.

I promise. 

Celebrate your curves! As my girl Tori said while strapping me in yesterday…”Not every woman is as blessed as you. So wrap them up like they are a prize.”

I am very blessed, indeed.

it’s that time again…

The moment y’all have been waiting for…

The RWA Conference (much tamer) version of Girl’s Gone Wild aka Who’s Tits Are These?





And I’ve exhausted all my teleporting abilities for a while now. My body is just so weak…need fuel.

Thanks to all my co-conspirators who made my teleportation possible. Until next time…

i like my flu shots with a side of pole dancing

Best marketing plan ever.

An adult nightclub in Casselberry is offering free flu shots to Central Floridians.Rachel’s Gentlemen’s Club launched a free flu shot service at the business located on Semoran Boulevard in Casselberry.The flu shots will be free from noon until 4 p.m. for residents who are 55 years old and older.

Central Floridians! Don’t miss out on this chance!

I love America. Where else in the world would offer a flu shot as an incentive to come to a strip club? I’m trying to figure out how I can incorporate this out of the box type of thinking to my book tour in 2009….suggestions welcome!

70 days of Sweat Update

My sweating over the last couple of days has been more like a glisten. I haven’t met my goal yet…but today is another day. Will check in later.

big dam bridge

Little Rock is the proud home to the world’s largest pedestrian bridge. It’s almost a mile long (4/5 of a mile to be exact). The bridge crosses the Arkansas River over Murray Lock and Dam and that is why it’s called the Big Dam Bridge. Which is the perfect pun because it is a big damn bridge.

The boys love asking me if I’ve been to the Big Dam Bridge because they think they’re getting away with cursing. Ian totally tried to nonchalantly blow it off and say “I know” when we pointed out it was “dam” and not “damn”.

Anyway, Pete and I walked the dam(n) bridge this morning. I jogged a little with him, probably about 1/3 of a mile. Not nearly enough, but since I haven’t been to the gym in 3 weeks, it was plenty. I walked the nearly 2 miles in 26 minutes. Not too bad. Not great either.

Writing wise, I plan to hit it for 5 pages today. Not a lot, but we have to take the car to the shop and do some other shit today. Maybe we’ll go look at a house or two and hope while we’re there our house in Oxford will sell.

Happy Monday y’all!

BTW: It’s not too late to donate to save the ta-tas! Jenna the sex kitten walked on Saturday. I’m still waiting to see how well she did. She’s 74% to her goal of raising $2600. Every little bit helps, so save a ta-ta and donate a buck or ten.

i guess i should blog today

I don’t really have anything in particular I feel like talking about, but there’s lots going on around here.

We started off the day with my dipshit darling eldest son taking an extra claritin. Yeah, okay, so the directions clearly state do NOT take more than 1 in a 24 hr period. So at 6:15 this morning, I was on the phone with a very nice Indian man giving him all sorts of information, only to have him tell me after 20 minutes that I should take dispshit Ian to the ER or the doctor. Sigh. I’m glad this wasn’t a “time sensitive” issue.

Well, I decided to call the doctor instead. I had a feeling that 1 extra pill wasn’t that big of a deal. And it’s not. Doc said he’ll probably be a little jittery and hyped up (oh, like that’s different from everyday?) and that he’d probably be a little thirsty. I sent him to school with an extra bottle of water and a pat on the back. I decided to let the teachers deal with him. (my apologies to all my teacher friends.)

That’s right folks, I’m totally kicking this Parent of the Year thing in the ass! I rock like Alice Cooper.

Fishdog
will be here this afternoon. I’m glad. I’ve missed him this week. Sometimes I am fine with the week as a single parent and sometimes, not so much. This was a not so much week. And it’s not just I could’ve used his help with the Mom Taxi Service (which I totally could’ve used) it’s that I missed him. I hope we sell the house soon so we can stop this back and forth crap. We need our routine. So, everyone send vibes that we’ll sell soon. Like this week.

Rader has a soccer game tonight. I really enjoy watching him play, he’s got the potential to be a great player, if he’d just learn to run! We’ve been watching him closely and he runs on his heels. It’s almost like he’s trying to baby a foot injury. When he was little (around 6 months) his feet were turned all the way in. He had to wear those funky foot brace things with the bar for about 6 months. Anyway, I’ve decided to take him to the doc next week to see if there’s a potential problem, or if he just needs to be retrained to run on his toes. (or just trained to run period. boy is slower than a sleeping snail.)

Okay, there. I’ve blogged. Before I go, I should give one last shout out to Jenna, the sex kitten. Please, go donate to help save a ta-ta.

Last year’s RWA Conference. Jenna, Mel, Louisa.

mel francis: on writing

Before I begin today’s informative post, let me first ask: Have you saved a ta-ta today? Go forth and donate.

No I am not Stephen King. No, I don’t want to be Stephen King. But I do have some things to say about writing.

I’ve been doing this “fulltime” writer thing since September. (I can’t count August because of the moving and my vacation.) Guess what I’ve discovered?

It ain’t easy!

Sometimes I think I accomplished more in the few hours at night and on the weekends than I do during the day. Part of that is because we haven’t settled in our own home yet. That will help. It’s difficult to get a routine going when your living with your parents or your in-laws. But, living with them is allowing me to stay a fulltime writer in today’s world. (Who wants 2 mortgages in this market? especially on 1 income!)

I’m finding my way. I have discovered I do better away from the house right now. I go to the library or to a little coffee shop in the morning and I write.

So, on that front, I am putting some finishing touches on a new proposal that Deidre will be sending out very soon. I can’t wait! I love this story!

Today, I’m working on BITE ME! I’m about halfway through the first draft and have high hopes to be finished with it mid-November. I had hoped to be finished end of October, but that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. But it will be finished early! I am determined. I want to get a jump start on book 2 (tentatively titled LOVE SUX!) and if the stars are aligned, I’ll have another contracted novel to be working on as well.

This has been Mel Francis: On Writing. This blog has been brought to you by the breast offices of Ta and Ta. Please don’t forget to donate.

conference wrap up…

Nic and Maria

First of all, thanks so much to Jude over at Blogging National who did a fantastic job of posting blogs as they were being updated. You rock, girly!

As always, the conference was a big blur. The literacy signing seemed ultra crowded this year. The RWA Online party was low key but very fun. Lots of great food and emcee entertainment by Jenna “What’s your secret?” Mayson. Lots of fun with feather boas, badges and cowboy hats. And of course, the highlight of my night…meeting and chatting with Smart Bitch Sarah over a plate of guacamole (okay, my serving was more like a wheelbarrow of guac, but nobody was watching, right?) Unfortunately, I was not thinking and didn’t get photographic evidence of our meeting. But I promise it happened.

Friday was filled with a couple of dud workshops and a nap. Seriously, I felt a little old, but I couldn’t go on after 2:00. I guess it was left over exhaustion from Drag Queen Karaoke. So totally worth being exhausted over, though.

Then Saturday I went to the 2 greatest workshops ever. Michael Hague Hauge is a fantastic teacher. When you get your conference CDs listen to his workshops. You won’t be sorry.

The Golden Heart/Rita awards were fun. We got to get all dressed up and pretend to be girly-girls and root for our nominated friends. I’d like to give a major shout out to my pal Barb (Caridad Ferrer) who won the Rita for Best Contemporary Romance. You go, my friend! It’s a great book and the win is well deserved! (and to all you haters out there, shut it!)

Then after the awards, we met at the bar for our final round of liver training. We had quite a large crowd–a good mix of Romance Divas and RWA Onliners. While sitting there with my peeps, Louisa and Maria noticed that Michael Hague Hauge was sitting across the atrium all alone–just him and his cheesecake. They told me, nay, they DARED me to go ask him to join us. I’m not sure what they thought his reaction was going to be…but apparently Louisa thought it might end badly.

Hah.

Never doubt the power of Mel and her feather boa.

Michael joined us and we were like putty in his hands as he talked about movies and actors and storytelling. Of course, he and Maria have TERRIBLE taste in movies aside from a few. But I forgave him that because he was so damn nice.

My feather boa paid off because he offered a ride to anyone who would be leaving for DFW in the morning at 10:45…so guess who got to ride in the Towncar with Michael Hague Hauge the next day?

That’s right! Moi!

Sooooo much better than the supershuttle.

I returned home to a house in need of packing. I’ve been a bit overwhelmed with having to work and trying to ready a house to go on the market this weekend. Sorry I’ve neglected my blogging duties. I’ll have more pics soon, just be patient.

Finally, I want to give one last shout out to our regular waiter Chris/Alejandra (long story). He did his best given the circumstances and I never once had any trouble getting him to wait on me. I’m guessing it wasn’t so much the cleavage as some like to believe, it was the fact that I took the time on Monday to learn his name, I tipped him well and with a smile every time he waited on me. For the record gang, Cleavage might get you preferential service the first time, but if you’re all tits and no smile or all tits and no tip, you’ll never get served again. Being friendly can get you anywhere. It also ensures that you are never lonely or without a beverage.

And Killer, I do plan on another round of “Who’s tits are these?” So try not to worry.

not time for details yet…

Good morning, peeps.

It’s too early to give the details from last night, however there is one thing I will tell you.

None of those tits belonged to Gena Showalter or Jill Monroe because they totally dissed us and did not show up last night.

I think you should all comment on their blogs and let them know how disappointed you are….

Seriously.

Do it.