ketchup.

As in, let’s “ketchup”!

Ugh. that was horrible. And now I want fries.

First off, happy belated mother’s day to all the moms who don’t suck.

Check out my awesome Mother’s Day gift that my cool boys got for me.

They tried to find me the perfect flamingo they said, but this is perfect. Me gusta mucho.

Update on the spider bite:

Friday I woke with a super swollen and painful arm. Weird. But it’s probably because Walgreens sucks now that they’ve purchased all the USA Drugs and they never seem to be able fill a prescription timely anymore. Apparently they were out of my antibiotic and didn’t bother to tell me prior to texting me that my prescription was ready. So when we get there, they let us know it’ll be ready tomorrow. And it was…around 5:30 pm. Which allowed the toxin/infection another 24 hours to grow. And so, I was pitiful and whiny on Friday while I waited for the meds to kick in.

Saturday I was all better, so I cleaned up my yard.

OH…Why was I cleaning my yard? Because another Hammered McHammerstein decided to drive through a tree in my front yard. She was on Xanax, not booze. That didn’t stop her from getting arrested. Trust me. Here’s some pictures, and if you want real entertainment, watch the video at the end of my blog. Yes. She was followed and filmed. It’s kinda like my own personal episode of COPS.

So I sawed up the giant holly bush she mowed over, and Jefe finally got to the tree in the back yard that broke during the ice this winter. We did LOTS of sawing. And hauling. And I still need to get the left over car debris from the yard before I mow… yippee.

And Mother’s Day started with pancakes and ended with cheese dip with a lot of John Deere time in between. All with my boys… THESE ARE SOME OF MY FAVORITE THINGS!

Now, for your viewing pleasure…Hammered Driving:

Good? vibrations…

I must be putting off some kind of weird vibe or pheromone this week. Seriously. The creepers are coming out of the woodwork! And it’s not just me…several of my friends have had weird creeper messages, FB inboxes, texts, and experienced generally inappropriate behaviors from strangers.

Maybe it’s the planetary alignment or something. Isn’t there an eclipse coming up? That’s gotta be why the weirdos are making themselves known.

Hmmm. The Solar Eclipse isn’t until the 10th. Are we gonna have to deal with the crazies until then?

I’m in another goofy mood today. I think the barometric pressure is getting to me! Or maybe, I’m feeling a little wacky because the weather dudes are predicting snow in Northwest Arkansas for tomorrow. SNOW???? in May!? It’s supposed to be cold on Friday night, possibly in the 30s. WTF happened to spring? This has been the strangest weather pattern I’ve ever seen in my life.

It’s Thursday…Let’s get this weekend started early, shall we? And creepers beware. I’m in no mood for your awkward and socially unacceptable propositions. Move along to someone who actually requires attention to feed their insecurities and make themselves feel better… Your services are not needed here.

feeling goofy

I’m extremely excited about date night tonight! YAY!

Here’s my favorite baseball picture that I took in June 2010. The storm came and went and we got to watch the game pretty much all by ourselves!

When I was getting dressed this morning, my first thought as I was harnessing up the girls was “Sometimes wearing a bra crushes my soul.” And of course, that became my FB status. I told you I was feeling goofy.

Anyway, my fellow large-breasted women concur with my feelings. My soul hurts today. I am harnessed. I feel the need for FREEDOM!

Last night, the boys and I had such a good time just hanging out. I love my kids. I love it especially when they try to guilt me into giving them money. Hahahahaha. As if I ever feel guilt. Seriously. I mean, hahahaha, as if I ever have any money to give them. Seriously. They’re such funny boys and Mondays and Wednesdays at The Compound are always full of extra laughter.

Oh, I just want to give you guys fair warning, I’m planning to win both lotteries this week. Soon, I shall be blogging from our private island: Isla de MelJefe. There will be lots of gratuitous beach photos and I will be sure to include many of my personal cabana boys. (And Jefe’s cabana babe, for the men-folk.)

Also, we are thinking about adding ducks to the Compound! I will keep y’all posted. It all depends on winning the lottery and when we decide to move. Stay tuned!

Okay. I guess that’s all I got today. If you’re having a bad day, just remember: wine helps. If you’re always having a bad day, just remember: medication and therapy helps. If you can’t look at this picture without smiling, there is no hope for you.

And if this picture doesn’t make you LOL and possibly even snort, then I don’t even want to know you.

you will laugh-cry, too. if you don’t, then you don’t get me at all.

There are very few things that make me laugh til I cry. Now, I will snort like I’m rootin’ for truffles all day long, but to make me cry? Well, that’s just a special gift. If you’re one of the few, you know you have the golden ticket to eternity, right? Congratulations.

Anyway, I found this site yesterday through a friend. The first post I read was funny and made me chuckle. I loved the style of the art work and her voice so I thought I’d skim through some of her past posts. I started with the her Best Of list. I scrolled down and found a post on Spiders. Now, if you know me at all, you know how I feel about spiders. The only thing that remotely compares to my spider fear (they are all out to kill you) is my fear of clowns (they are also out to kill you) and if spiders and clowns ever got together? I would die on the spot. OMG. Seriously. I just had a panic attack at the thought.

Anyway, Allie and I apparently share a brain when it comes to spiders:

Spiders are scary. It’s okay to be afraid of them.

Go. Read the post. Then come back here…if you can. Because Trust Me. I couldn’t leave her website after I read that. I AM NOW ADDICTED TO ALLIE BROSH. IS THERE A 7 STEP PROGRAM TO PULL ME AWAY FROM THIS WEBSITE? 2 STEPS? Anything? Anyone? Bueller?
Okay, the spiders are funny. And I won’t even talk about how one time I was chased by a wolf spider in my own home. Fishdog was in Chicago on business and I actually CALLED him to tell him that when I was found dead it was because I was chased down and eaten by a wolf spider. Because they are part wolf and they do eat humans. I don’t care what you say. I also won’t tell you about how I carried a baseball bat around with me all night. And that I brutally bludgeoned that wolf spider before it got me first. TRUE STORY. (that I didn’t tell you about)
Anyway, you’re back, right? Okay, cuz now I’m going to send you back to the website to read the BEST POST EVER ON THIS EARTH. I mean, if I’m telling you it is THE BEST POST EVER ON THIS EARTH then you know it is. Right? Right.
The Alot is better than you at everything.


I have been known to abuse Alot and as an English major and a writer, I know better. Just like I know All Right is two words yet I write Alright all the time. Just like I know I’m not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition yet I find myself asking stuff like “Where’s my deoderant at?” constantly. (and for the record, if I ask you where my deoderant is at and you answer BETWEEN THE “A” AND THE “T.” you are likely to get a skillet to the head. Consider yourself warned.)
Anyway, I just had to share my new obsession with you. I hope you find it as awesome as I do.
Hyperbole and a Half is the Epic of Awesome.

Rick-rolled in real life

I’ve ruined my child. I know this isn’t a surprise to most of you out there, but I still feel the need to say the words out loud.

It’s official. I really have ruined him.

We know he’s special for an 11 year old. I mean, what other pre-teen’s favorite word is facetious? Who else is planning his high school selection based on whether or not he’ll want to cut his hair? My child…that’s who. (Did I tell y’all that story? He announced the other day that he will not be cutting his hair for 3 years until he goes to Catholic High (where they require short hair). I explained that if he grows his hair for 3 years that he might not want to go from super long to super short. He told me that’s why he had a back up plan: “See, I know I’m going to get into Catholic b/c I’m smart and I’m a legacy, so I’ve decided that if I really like my awesome hair, I’ll go to Central instead.”) Oy.

Two days ago, this very unique-minded child announced he had a new favorite song.

NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP by Rick Astley

No. I’m not kidding. He’s been Rick-rolling himself ever since by watching the video over and over and singing it at the top of his lungs. Please use the headphones, Mr. Francis. I promise, if I have to hear that song one more time, I absolutely will give you up.

I have ruined my child and now I’m having to live with the end result. Karma really is a bitch sometimes.

Or as my momma always said: You pay for your raisin’… (Which I always heard as You pay for your raisin…and I always thought “Well duh, cuz otherwise you’d be stealing. And who would steal a raisin?”

totally obsessed with this

My friend Kent posted this to his MySpace blog yesterday and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head.

which way does the lady spin for you? Can you make her change directions?

The Right Brain vs Left Brain test … do you see the dancer turning clockwise or counter-clockwise? If clockwise, then you use more of the right side of the brain and vice versa.

Most of us would see the dancer turning counter-clockwise though you can try to focus and change the direction; see if you can do it.

At first, she was spinning counter-clockwise for me. But now, when I watch her, she’s always spinning clockwise. I can concentrate and make her change directions, but when I stop focusing, she goes right back to spinning clockwise. It’s freaking me out, man!

LEFT BRAIN FUNCTIONS
uses logic
detail oriented
facts rule
words and language
present and past
math and science
can comprehend
knowing
acknowledges
order/pattern perception
knows object name
reality based
forms strategies
practical
safe

RIGHT BRAIN FUNCTIONS
uses feeling
“big picture” oriented
imagination rules
symbols and images
present and future
philosophy & religion
can “get it” (i.e. meaning)
believes
appreciates
spatial perception
knows object function
fantasy based
presents possibilities
impetuous
risk taking

i guess i should blog today

I don’t really have anything in particular I feel like talking about, but there’s lots going on around here.

We started off the day with my dipshit darling eldest son taking an extra claritin. Yeah, okay, so the directions clearly state do NOT take more than 1 in a 24 hr period. So at 6:15 this morning, I was on the phone with a very nice Indian man giving him all sorts of information, only to have him tell me after 20 minutes that I should take dispshit Ian to the ER or the doctor. Sigh. I’m glad this wasn’t a “time sensitive” issue.

Well, I decided to call the doctor instead. I had a feeling that 1 extra pill wasn’t that big of a deal. And it’s not. Doc said he’ll probably be a little jittery and hyped up (oh, like that’s different from everyday?) and that he’d probably be a little thirsty. I sent him to school with an extra bottle of water and a pat on the back. I decided to let the teachers deal with him. (my apologies to all my teacher friends.)

That’s right folks, I’m totally kicking this Parent of the Year thing in the ass! I rock like Alice Cooper.

Fishdog
will be here this afternoon. I’m glad. I’ve missed him this week. Sometimes I am fine with the week as a single parent and sometimes, not so much. This was a not so much week. And it’s not just I could’ve used his help with the Mom Taxi Service (which I totally could’ve used) it’s that I missed him. I hope we sell the house soon so we can stop this back and forth crap. We need our routine. So, everyone send vibes that we’ll sell soon. Like this week.

Rader has a soccer game tonight. I really enjoy watching him play, he’s got the potential to be a great player, if he’d just learn to run! We’ve been watching him closely and he runs on his heels. It’s almost like he’s trying to baby a foot injury. When he was little (around 6 months) his feet were turned all the way in. He had to wear those funky foot brace things with the bar for about 6 months. Anyway, I’ve decided to take him to the doc next week to see if there’s a potential problem, or if he just needs to be retrained to run on his toes. (or just trained to run period. boy is slower than a sleeping snail.)

Okay, there. I’ve blogged. Before I go, I should give one last shout out to Jenna, the sex kitten. Please, go donate to help save a ta-ta.

Last year’s RWA Conference. Jenna, Mel, Louisa.

meet gizzard


Yes, I said Gizzard. I didn’t name him, I just serve him.

Giz is a chihuahua/dachshund mix. Or you can call him a Chi-weenie or a Weeniehuahua (weenie-wahwah). He belongs to my BIL, but while Bonehead is on the USS Comfort on a humanitarian tour of duty, Gizzard is staying with the inlaws. And right now, so am I.

Gizzard really likes me and he spends lots of time in my lap or the crook of my arm. He really likes the computer, and sleeping under the covers.

We tell Gizzard he’s beautiful, and if you think otherwise, keep it to yourself.

a wee crush

I realized last night when my oldest son smiled with pride and squeezed my neck cuz he was so pleased with himself for bringing up his dismal grades and when my youngest son put in the Weird Al CD and began to sing along word for word that I have a small crush on my children.

Which is actually a nice change of pace for me, since in the not too distant past, I’ve contemplated killing them several times.

I guess that fine line between love and hate applies to motherhood as well.

And then there’s the Fishdog. Sometimes I wonder how I deserve him. Last night, when I was completely tired and cranky, he fixed me soup and offered to pack for my San Francisco trip. A trip he’s not even going on. Honestly, that was just the sweetest thing. I was tempted to take him up on the offer, but then I realized his good intentions would backfire because he’d probably pack nothing I would want to take. So, I declined and packed for myself this morning.

Anyway, it just dawned on me that love really is a funny thing. (could I fill this blog with anymore cliches today? I mean, really?) A day comes along like yesterday that makes me forget all the stupid things they do and all the reasons I want to smack them and abandon them on the side of a dirt road in the middle of Deliverance-land.

In honor of Rader’s fascination with Weird Al…I give you Close But No Cigar(hey look, another cliche!)…there’s nothing quite like watching your 9 year old sing this… what a goofball.