So…

I go to the DMV today to tag my car and switch my MS license over to AR. Because I want this to be as painless as possible, I do my research.

Back in June, I tried to switch my license over, so I went online to find out what the requirements were. I found out all I needed to do was bring my license and my social security card. However, when I get there, I am told that they no longer accept social security cards as a form of ID (even though their website clearly states that’s all I need). Thanks to homeland security, my birth certificate is required now.

Okay fine. I go online and order a replacement birth certificate because it would take me weeks/months/years to find which box the one I have is stored in.

Birth certificate arrives. I go back to DMV very proud that I now have everything required to get my license. Except that I don’t.

Dude behind the counter, who apparently has a problem with enunciation, says:

dmv: Your name don’t match.

me: sorry?

dmv: your name don’t match.

me: (clearly exasperated) what do you mean my name don’t match? Here is my birth certificate as I was told to bring. Here is my MS DL… what’s the problem?

dmv: you weren’t told by me.

me: Sigh. No I was told by another lady that this was what I needed to change my license over.

dmv: yeah. but you need your marriage license too. So your name will match.

Okay, I don’t explode (proud?) I go home and tear up my house for the marriage license…which I finally find. I make myself some cookies and eat about a pound of cookie dough before I head back to hell the DMV.

I stand in line again. And of course, I wind up with Mr. lack of Enunciation.

me: (smiling because I have to) I’m back! Here’s all my stuff.

dmv: (eying both the marriage and birth certs carefully. He walks over to the copier with the certificates and my DL…then turns to me and says) Your name ain’t the same.

me: sorry?

dmv: your name is spelled different on the birth cert than it is on the DL.

me: yes. they misspelled my name on the birth cert. But everything else is right.

dmv: might be a problem. (he makes the copies then comes back to desk) You had a license in AR before?

me: yes.

dmv: under what name? You got both Francis and McKenzie and McKenzie Francis.

me: under both names

dmv: (gives me the raised eyebrow to fuck with me look)

me: I was born here. My first license was McKenzie. I got married here, so it switch to Francis. It’s now legally McKenzie Francis no hyphen)

dmv: (pulling up prior license) We gotta problem.

me: (totally exasperate) Oh? what’s that?

dmv: Your name is wrong. Your not McKenzie Francis in our system. You’re just Francis.

me: I didn’t change it on my SSN until about 5 years ago, but it’s McKenzie Francis now. Promise.

dmv: Hm. So which name are you now? cuz when I put you in, if you don’t match, there’s a problem

me: you have my MS DL in front of you! That is my legal name. THAT is what I want. THAT is who I am.

dmv: But it isn’t in our system like that.

me: I HAVEN’T LIVED HER FOR 8 YEARS!

dmv: Okay. so which name?

me: AAAAAAAAAAAIUUUUUUUUUUGHHGGGGGGGGGGGG! MCK FRAN

he does his thing. I take my piccie (actually kinda cute) then I ask him about voter registration.

dmv: I can register you. Which name?

Okay, can I just tell you, that man is lucky to still be alive? Seriously. It actually goes on from there, but I just can’t relive it. There’s not enough booze in the house to get me through.

Dear State of Arkansas…TO AVOID ANY POSSIBLE FUTURE HARM TO COME TO ANY OF YOUR DMV EMPLOYEES UPDATE YOUR FUCKING WEBSITE.

KTHXBYE.