a summary of my activities

I’ve been busy so I’ll just sum up what I’ve been doing with bullet points.

  • Came down with the crud (which I typed as “curd” at first and then spent 10 minutes trying to figure out what the symptoms of having the curd would actually be.)
  • Had a biopsy
  • Took awesome pain meds for the biopsy
  • Enjoyed the hell out of my medication
  • Had weird freaking pain med dreams, one of which included a shoot out between Mannequins. Yes. Mannequins. In a parking deck.
  • Have been spoiling the animals rotten while Jefe has been visiting his family. 
  • Eating a lot of cheese. Mmmm. Cheese.
  • Drinking wine. Possibly I drank some wine while on pain meds before I went to the doctor. Possibly.
  • Cleaned out the laundry room/storage area and put away some boxes that have been cluttering up the living room. 
  • Put up the Pimp Tree in the living room, to replace the boxes because that space seemed too bare.
  • Watched LOVE ACTUALLY twice. I’m such a dork for that movie.
  • Saved LOVE ACTUALLY to the DVR so I can watch it as much as I want this holiday season.

I think that’s about all the highlights. I feel great today…Well, I don’t wanna choke a bitch or stab anyone in the eye, so I’m thinking that means I’m on the mend. Y’all have a great humpday, or wine Wednesday or downhill slide to the weekend or whatever.

Oh…and to the creeper who inboxed my author page asking for a signed photo of me… thank you for noticing my lovely neck and shoulders but EW. No. Me. Gusta. Creepy McCreepypants. Go troll someone else, mmmkay?

Love and all that,


I’m all meh today. Tuesday is mehday. Meh. Bleh. Blah.

I went home feeling like I was gonna hurl yesterday, had a headache all day and night and still had a headache this morning. So I took a sick day to try to get over the mehday.


The good news is, my Bachelorette recap is live at HDJM. I can’t believe I actually like Emily and the 3 guys she’s taken to the end. That just doesn’t happen. Usually at this point, I barely like any of them, much less all of them.

Oh, check this weird flower-vine-weed-whatever out. Can anyone identify it for me? It’s growing around our pond and it’s pretty cool looking, for an alien. Yeah, I kinda think it’s an alien.

chubby stick?

I’m not going to lie. This new Clinique product is equal parts win and fail.

I mean, wow. A Chubby Stick for your lips.

Can you imagine being out with your girlfriend and she asks to borrow some lipstick… My answer would be, “Sure! Let me pop a Chubby out of my purse for you!”

And that makes the Chubby Stick full of win….

That is the ONLY thing that makes this product Winner Winner Chubby Dinner though. I don’t care how good the Chubby Stick is…there is no way I’m putting that thing near my mouth. Who wants to color their lips with a Chubby Stick? Anyone? No.

Sorry Clinique. You get points for allowing me to make putting on lipstick a euphemism…but that’s it. Maybe this is being marketed to high-class hookers? I mean, I can see some stiff competition for the right color Chubby Stick. The marketing team should present a full-package work up for all Madams and Pimps.

Okay, this is going downhill fast. I’m on my knees begging you to forgive…my mouthwordplay.

Seriously, though. C’mon Clinique. Chubby Stick?

from bad to good

Sorry I wasn’t around yesterday. You wouldn’t have liked anything I had to say anyway, so it’s probably good that I just took some down time. I hate bad days, and I honestly thought yesterday was going to be the worst of the worst for a while.

But it actually turned out to be a really good day by the end, and that was a lovely surprise.

We saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes which was actually a fantastic movie! (Hard to watch at times because really–who would be mean to a monkey? er, I mean ape?) Go see it. And then go read Melody’s recap at Hey Don’t Judge Me.

Then last night, it was so nice outside after a lovely day of rain, that we were able to enjoy lots of quality hammock time. (is it wrong that every time I say “Hammock Time” I actually hear it in my head like “Hammer Time?”) so from now on…you’ll hear it too: “Hammock Time–can’t touch this.”

and I had fun snapping pics of my feet because I’m weird like that.

You’re welcome.

total eclipse of the earworm

So I woke this morning with TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART playing in my head. I swear, my brain likes to mess with me. It made me dream freaky crap last night and then it gave me the earworm from hell.

Thanks, brain. You are awesome.

I always think of the summer before 9th grade when I hear that song. We were at church camp (true story!) and I had a crush on a boy named Darryl. (Not his brother Larry or his other brother Darryl.) Darryl was an older boy… he was going to be a junior to my freshman. He had blond hair, blue eyes and he wore a blue bandana tied around his head. He was just dreamy in a mid 80s sort of way.

After lights out, our camp counselors would always sneak off to the lake to get baked commune with nature, and we always snuck out to the rec area to make out play ping pong. Darryl kissed me played ping pong with me that night while Bonnie Tyler wailed about her heart’s total eclipse.
When church camp was over, I never heard from Darryl again. He was a ping pong playa and my heart was eclipsed. Totally.

Maybe I should have set my eyes on his other brother Darryl after all…

And for fun, here’s the Literal Video Version of Total Eclipse of the Heart…

Embedding is disabled. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend clicking the link and watching. Funny stuff right there.

unicorns, etc

First I’d like to share a snippet of just exactly what goes on inside my #2 son’s head:

“Mom, why is it that we never see a solid color Boston Terrier? They’re always cow colored.”

Cow Colored = awesome

Yesterday I was hangin with my friend Laura and her kiddo, Ellis. Ellis was wearing a t-shirt with a weird looking unicorn on it and it said “They stole my freaking kidney!” Okay, this was funny just by itself, but I had to know that story.

And now you will know the story, too.

This one is my favorite: Charlie the Unicorn 2 (The Banana King)

And here’s where they steal his freaking kidney:

There are many others and I plan to watch them all. Because they are warped and awesome and just this side of WTFery.


This is my theme for the day. Hell, maybe even for the week…

So yesterday I was working in the new house…unpacking, cleaning, working on laundry. You know, basic GTL Now, my new laundry room is quite large which is fabulous. It also has lots of shelving…which is also fabulous. However, one of the very sharp edged shelves is right next to the washing machine.

Do you see where this is going?

Yes, I have a lump (his name is Phil). And seriously, I kinda think I might even have a slight concussion…unless everyone sees fireworks when they close their eyes and hears weird voices….(ok, I always hear the voices but at least now I have a valid excuse, right?)

This morning my goose egg is more like a robin’s egg but it still hurts! It’s all bruised feeling and I have a dent in the middle of it. Hmph.

I swear that shelf wasn’t there until I stood up…

these dreams will suck you dry….


Last night I woke up at 3:30. I guess I had a lot on my mind because it took me a while to go back to sleep.

Unfortunately, when I did finally fade back into dreamland, I became a blood-sucking vampire.

I was much like the vampires I write about. I wasn’t allergic to light, was going to college(?) and was pretty cute. I didn’t have to feed on humans but if I got backed into a corner, I would.

The details are a little blurry, but I know I was out for a run with my friend and we stopped to talk to some guys that flagged us down. They were funny and flirty and we were happy for the attention. One of the guys asked what I did for a living and I told him I wrote vampire books and he was all excited because his mom was a school librarian and would want to meet me.

Sweet, right?


So this cutie-patootie takes me and my friend home and introduces me to his family. His dad is an Archie Bunker type who doesn’t get out of his recliner and his mom is this woman who I’d already met at a school function. What I didn’t know, is she also was aware that I was a real vampire and she was going to kill me.

Well, guess what? She tried and failed. And when we left her, she was writhing on the floor as her body was making a very painful transformation. I let her know that I could’ve killed her, but where was the fun in that?

I started to leave, but the cute boy was torn between avenging his mom and being turned on by my ugly bald head. (Can anyone explain why I was so cute in my ‘human’ form, but when I turned into a vampire I looked like this?

It was my dream, I should’ve looked like this:
We’re gonna pretend I looked like pic #2 from this point forward…

Okay, so my friend and I survive…I turn the boy into a vampire and he wants to be my puppy and follow me around but I tell him he needs to go feed to gain some strength so go find a couple of guys he hates from school and have at it.

Somehow my friend and I are now in a parking garage (nothing good ever happens in a parking garage). We’re getting ready to leave for vacation to the beach (because you know we vampires need our ocean air and vitamin D) She has to go to the bathroom and so we find one. (not really sure I would ever use a parking garage bathroom, but I might if I really had to) I finish before she does and for some reason I decide to wait outside the restroom. Well, I hear this loud commotion from inside and my friend screams. I try to get inside, but the door is blocked. I transform into the ghoulish bald monster (with a hot body) and kick the door down. There are 8 dudes and a chick in the bathroom with my friend, and I’m not really sure how they got in there but I don’t care. They’re vampires too and trying to feed on my friend. Well, I take the chick out first because seriously, what a ho. The weird thing about this part is I can actually feel and taste the blood and I said to her “What the hell kinda chick are you? You taste funny!” I woke up in the middle of killing the big biker dude who was trying to suck my friend dry…

Um, this isn’t the kinda book I write exactly, so I’m not sure why I dreamed this. Maybe it’s telling me I need to try something different? Or maybe I’m really a vampire?


If you’ve tried to contact me via my contact page, I have apparently not been receiving my emails since Feb 20! Please use this email address until this problem has been rectified:

oatmellow @ gmail . com

(without the spaces, naturally. don’t want those stupid spam bots sending me unwanted sex spam. unless it’s good sex spam…but it never is…)

you know what’s weird?

Random weird tidbits that make up Mel…

  • I don’t like opening cans of biscuits because it kinda scares me when they POP!
  • Velour is physically painful for me to touch.
  • Coffee tastes better in my favorite coffee mug.
  • The smell of leather turns me on. I’ll never be able to join PETA.
  • Tomato soup is my fave but I don’t like uncooked tomatoes at all.
  • I love the flavor of pears but can’t eat them because of their grainy texture.
  • I used to only get pedicures before special occasions, but this year, I started an every other week tradition through Spring and Summer. I miss it.
  • My fingernails always tear when they get a little long. I’ve never had long nails (that weren’t fake)
  • I drive a 5-speed and keep thinking my next car will be automatic. Except I want a Jeep. And seriously, who wants to drive an automatic Jeep?
  • My 15 year old doesn’t want to learn to drive. WTF is up with that?

So are you weird?