#fatshamed at the gas station

I won’t lie. I was fat-shamed a great deal growing up. Even when I wasn’t fat. (Apparently in the 80s having hips and tits made one “fat”). It’s hard to overcome, thankfully as an old lady, I’m learning to love myself as is.

Today, I was fat-shamed “COMPLIMENTED” at the gas station.

Me: Minding my own business, pumping my own gas
Obnoxious Asshole (OA): You’re brave for wearing that*.


* “that”

Me: (looks down at “that”) Really? Why?
OA:  I mean, for a woman of your size?
Me:  I don’t understand, can you explain?
OA:  It’s a compliment! I said you look good!
Me:  Did you? Because that’s not what I heard.
OA:  You don’t have to be such a bitch about it.
Me: Don’t I?

Here’s the thing, I need to lose weight. I know I do. But I’m working on loving me for me. Who I am on the inside and accepting who I am on the outside AS I AM now.

So when you call me brave for DARING to show my soft belly, I will shame you by feigning ignorance and force you to explain yourself. And if you can’t explain yourself without getting defensive or “mansplaining” you meant it as a compliment when it clearly wasn’t, then you should consider yourself brave for having opened your trash mouth in my vicinity.

I’m not brave. I’m fierce. And you’re a fucking waste of oxygen.

Sparkle on, bitches.

The senses

When I was a little girl, my favorite sense was touch. I have so many memories associated with touch as a child. Like how the texture of velour or wool would make me recoil. Or how I loved the feel of soft sheets or a cool summer rain. The grass between my toes at home, or the sand when we were at the beach.  Continue reading

topless driving and inappropriate conversations

How is it that I waited this long to buy a convertible? I will never have anything else now. *so in love with sally sparkle*



Seriously, I require a massive amount of sunlight to make me happy. Just driving with the top down on the way to work, starts my day off just right. No matter what mood I’m in when I wake up, I’m always happier after 20 minutes in the sun and wind.
Welcome to the bullet points of miscellany. My brain is in ADHD mode, so you have been warned:

  • My little salsa garden is doing great! I cannot wait to make my first batch of homemade salsa.
  • I was feeling kinda cranky last night and Rader was so cute trying to make me laugh. He finally managed to succeed.
  • Ian washed the dishes and watered the plants yesterday because he is awesome.
  • I have a doctor’s appointment in 10 days for a check up. Is it possible to lose 30lbs by then?
  • I am the best griller on earth. I know grilling is supposed to be a man’s job, but seriously, nobody with a penis can hold a candle to my awesome meat.
  • That makes me Queen of the Grill.
  • Eating clean is going pretty well, except for the 1 week hiccup due to my headcold…then I just ate anything that was easy. Mostly cheese and chimichangas. Apparently I needed to feed my cold Mexican food.
  • Stacey Jay is coming over again this weekend and I love her with ALL THE LOVE.
  • I don’t want her to leave me again.
  • We have fun conversations that are very inappropriate. Here’s a snippet of things you miss when you’re not with us “YOU CAN’T PUT YOUR CAT INSIDE ME!”
  • Please don’t ask me to provide the context of that quote.
  • Oh, here’s another provided by my friend Marissa: “She is little. She is mean. She is a bitch… HER NAME IS AMY.”
  • Stacey and I think that is a fantastic book title. We may have to write that story.
  • There is a mattress on my porch. We are klassy.
  • There may have been a discussion of droopy meat-curtains and shaggy rugs women who don’t landscape during swimsuit season.
  • Rader starts driver’s ed this week. He’s been rocking it with me, so I’m pretty sure he’ll pass with driving colors.
  • If I win the lottery, I’m going to fly far, far away.
  • I rewatched Game of Thrones and it wasn’t as meh for me this time. However, I still needed somebody bad to die. Mostly, I needed Joffrey to die.
  • I imagine Margeary killing Joffrey on their wedding night with the same bow he killed Roz with.
  • That will never happen, but it would be awesome.
  • He’s probably gonna die in some weaselly way…like choke on a rib bone while torturing Sansa. I would be okay with that, too, as long as nobody tries to save him and they watch him die.
  • I would like his grandpa to stand over him while he gasps for breath while choking. Grandpa would say, “I can’t hear you, did you say ‘save me, I’m your King?’ because, you’re no king.”
  • I need a swimming pool.
  • And a lake or beach in my backyard.
  • Sorry. I’m just saying things now.
  • I’ll stop bullet pointing and move on.
  • In a minute.
  • happy Tuesday y’all.
  • Bye.
  • Bye.


I’ll take it!

So this morning, I was given the best compliment ever. I was told I look like Scarlett Johansson from the Avengers. Now, do I believe that? No. Will I ride the waves of awesome from that compliment? HELL YES.

OK, I scanned the internetwebs to see if I could find some remotely normal (as in not sexified hot) pics of Scarlett to make a comparison.

Hmmmm. Well, we both have red hair and a nice rack…but that’s about it. However, I’ll take it. I’ll take it and run…NO TAKE BACKS!

Since today is pretty awesome I’m gonna share some Weird, random, and ultimately unimportant things about me that will help you from confusing me with Scarlett Johansson. (Cuz you know it’s been really hard up until today)

  • I’m a Pisces (Scarlett is a Scorpio…which means she and I would get along well.)
  • I misspell Pisces every time I type it.
  • I don’t like ‘old’ movies. Or musicals (with the exception of two or three)
  • I read my first romance novel when I was 13. (Kathleen Woodiwiss)
  • I don’t eat shredded coconut because it tastes like grass.
  • If it comes between chocolate or lemon dessert…it’s lemon every time.
  • The cotton in Aspirin bottles makes me cringe. As does velour. 
  • I’ve seen Cinderella & Ozzy at least 5 times in concert. 
  • For the longest time, I wanted to have a little girl and name her Mandolin Rain. Yes. After the song. Yes. There’s a reason I only had boys…
  • I love the smell of leather and new money. 
  • Other than my engagment/wedding rings, I’ve only received 1 other piece of jewelry as a gift in my entire life. 
  • I love getting flowers on random days,  but not if that’s all I get for holidays/special occasions. (I think that’s lazy and shows lack of interest). I’d rather get daisies or sunflowers than roses.
  • I like big butts and I cannot lie.
  • Flamingos are my favorite animal. 
  • I love sock monkeys. 
  • I dream of owning a bar on a beach and living in an apartment above it.
  • I wanted to be a soap star when I was in high school. 
  • My first fishing pole was a Snoopy rod-n-reel. My daddy says I threw it into the lake the moment I got my first bite. I say it was Nessie who wrenched the pole from my death grip.
  • My first nickname was French Fry.
  • My first kiss was the summer between 6th and 7th grade on a raft in the middle of the lake.
  • I once made out for hours with my boyfriend in the sheep barn at the Arkansas State Fair.
  • In college, a group of friends and I climbed Pinnacle Mountain after dark. We were on our way down when suddenly we heard ‘HIKERS! COME DOWN FROM THE MOUNTAIN.’ We had been cold busted by park control. Luckily no one got a ticket. 
  • I have a crush on Steve from Blue’s Clues.

So now there is NO WAY you would possibly confuse me with Scarlett Johansson… You’re welcome.

Hope you guys have a fantastic weekend. I will be working and playing. And of course, smiling and sparkling. Because that’s what you do when you’re awesome….

quit being so nosy

Found a ceramic nose in El Jefe’s driveway this weekend. Bet you can’t beat that story!

Also, apparently my 13 year old son was a big hit at Rick Astley and Weird Al karaoke on Saturday. I’m sad I missed it live but luckily fishdog recorded it for a lifetime of awesome. If you’re my FB friend, it’s posted there. Go forth and enjoy NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP in its teenaged cracking voice glory. It is a wonder to behold.
I had a good weekend. And did I mention I found a nose?

humpday happenins

First off…Team BITE ME! took first prize at trivia night last night! YAY! It had been a few weeks since we’ve been #1 so last night’s win tasted super sweet. And the $50 gift card covered our entire tab minus $3 + tip. Can’t beat that with a stick.
The only thing that would’ve made last night better? We were missing ALL-CAPS Kristal. Trivia night just isn’t the same without my compadre.

I finally caught up on this week’s Bachelorette. Good Lord. Kasey needs to take about 7 types of medication. And if I ever hear any of you say “Guard and protect your heart.” I will punch you in the nuts. And if you don’t have nuts, I’ll punch you somewhere in the vicinity of where your nuts should be. That phrase is banned forever and ever and ever. Amen.

Rapid & random topic change
So my daddy and I were talking the other day and he said something I hadn’t heard him say in forever. “That girl is so ugly, she has to sneak up on the well to get a drink of water.”

Wow. That’s some kinda ugly, I guess. Made me snort when I heard it. He also says “That boy got hit in the face with the ugly stick and the stick broke.” I’m thinking my daddy thinks there are lots of ugly people in this world. Sometimes being southern is just plain funny.

I don’t know why I thought y’all needed to hear that.

BTW, thanks for the emails, comments, texts, etc. fully supporting (<–bwahahaha!) me and my Cleavage von Cleavageton bathing suit. The consensus is, "If you got it–flaunt it." I'm not sure about flaunting, but I'll happily wear it again.

Release day for LOVE SUCKS! is just a few weeks away! July 27 is right around the corner!! YAY!!!

you know what’s weird?

Random weird tidbits that make up Mel…

  • I don’t like opening cans of biscuits because it kinda scares me when they POP!
  • Velour is physically painful for me to touch.
  • Coffee tastes better in my favorite coffee mug.
  • The smell of leather turns me on. I’ll never be able to join PETA.
  • Tomato soup is my fave but I don’t like uncooked tomatoes at all.
  • I love the flavor of pears but can’t eat them because of their grainy texture.
  • I used to only get pedicures before special occasions, but this year, I started an every other week tradition through Spring and Summer. I miss it.
  • My fingernails always tear when they get a little long. I’ve never had long nails (that weren’t fake)
  • I drive a 5-speed and keep thinking my next car will be automatic. Except I want a Jeep. And seriously, who wants to drive an automatic Jeep?
  • My 15 year old doesn’t want to learn to drive. WTF is up with that?

So are you weird?

Random Mel-O-Jumble

This morning, I was struggling for a blog topic. I’m not sure if it was my restless sleep last night or my foggy head this morning, but I just couldn’t come up with anything.But then I drove Rader to school and a few things popped into my head.

So here goes. This isn’t a meme. It’s just a Me.

Things you probably didn’t know about Mel.

  1. If I have cash, I tend to give money to the homeless guys begging at stoplights. This usually happens about once a month (I rarely carry cash). I truly believe they need that $5 more than I do and if they’re scam artists, good for them—I’d rather not know. It takes courage to stand there for the world to judge you. I don’t care if they use my cash on food, booze, drugs, or cigarettes. They have a need and I can help them, even if it’s only a buck. Rader is usually in the car with me when I give money. I always feel bad when I don’t have any cash and he always tells me that he has some cash if I want to go home and bring it back.
  2. Sometimes a song will make my heart hurt.
  3. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life until I was 30 years old. If you have a kid who is wandering from path to path, don’t give up! (I have a kid who is going to do the same thing I did. I hate that for him, but I totally understand him.)
  4. I hate panty lines and think there is no excuse for having them.
  5. It only takes me 30-40 minutes to get ready in the morning. Shower, shave, hair, makeup, clothes.
  6. I don’t wear a lot of makeup. I wear mineral foundation, mascara, lip gloss or tinted Chapstick. Occasionally I’ll wear eyeliner. Evening makeup is a light eye shadow and lipstick.
  7. I wear flip-flops almost year around.
  8. I don’t think that teaching abstinence and birth control/safe sex are mutually exclusive and I don’t understand how parents in this day and age can justify NOT talking to their kids about safe sex. As a matter of fact, I talk about sex so much to my kids that I’m pretty sure they’ll never have sex because of it. *SCORE*
  9. I don’t understand why people start off with “No offense but…” People need to own their opinions. And they need to learn how to express them properly without the “No offense” padding.
  10. If I had a choice between sports and a girly thing like a baby shower or wedding shower, sports will always win. (I will sacrifice that for my BFFs. Mainly because they wouldn’t torture me with stupid games.)
  11. I used to drink 6-10 Diet Cokes or Coke Zeros a day. Now I have maybe 2or 3 a month (except when on deadline). And those usually have bourbon in them. Or vanilla vodka. Heh.
  12. I am planning to buy a pair of red cowboy boots this year.
  13. I’m really excited about getting my tattoo soon. I can’t wait to show you guys!


Stole this blogthings quiz from Kwana.

You Should Be a Joke Writer

You’re totally hilarious, and you can find the humor in any situation.

Whether you’re spouting off zingers, comebacks, or jokes about life…

You usually can keep a crowd laughing, and you have plenty of material.

You have the makings of a great comedian – or comedic writer.

Also, I posted a blog last night about determining sex appeal. Weigh in!