chuck norris and the razorbacks…

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My new favorite picture:
Back in November 2005 I posted this original Chuck Norris list. I’ll repost below.

Here are a few new ones: (thanks to Jimmy the K for forwarding them on–especially the picture. smooches)

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool, he doesn’t get wet.
The water gets Chucked.

Guns don’t kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris
allows to live.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris’ Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease
2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Here’s the original:

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face andtook his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya”.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

Chuck Norris found out about Conan O’Brien’s lever that shows clips from “Walker: Texas Ranger” and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan’s wife.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn’t give him exact change.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity.”, then you are dead wrong.

Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn’t a racist.

i guess i should blog today

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I don’t really have anything in particular I feel like talking about, but there’s lots going on around here.

We started off the day with my dipshit darling eldest son taking an extra claritin. Yeah, okay, so the directions clearly state do NOT take more than 1 in a 24 hr period. So at 6:15 this morning, I was on the phone with a very nice Indian man giving him all sorts of information, only to have him tell me after 20 minutes that I should take dispshit Ian to the ER or the doctor. Sigh. I’m glad this wasn’t a “time sensitive” issue.

Well, I decided to call the doctor instead. I had a feeling that 1 extra pill wasn’t that big of a deal. And it’s not. Doc said he’ll probably be a little jittery and hyped up (oh, like that’s different from everyday?) and that he’d probably be a little thirsty. I sent him to school with an extra bottle of water and a pat on the back. I decided to let the teachers deal with him. (my apologies to all my teacher friends.)

That’s right folks, I’m totally kicking this Parent of the Year thing in the ass! I rock like Alice Cooper.

Fishdog will be here this afternoon. I’m glad. I’ve missed him this week. Sometimes I am fine with the week as a single parent and sometimes, not so much. This was a not so much week. And it’s not just I could’ve used his help with the Mom Taxi Service (which I totally could’ve used) it’s that I missed him. I hope we sell the house soon so we can stop this back and forth crap. We need our routine. So, everyone send vibes that we’ll sell soon. Like this week.

Rader has a soccer game tonight. I really enjoy watching him play, he’s got the potential to be a great player, if he’d just learn to run! We’ve been watching him closely and he runs on his heels. It’s almost like he’s trying to baby a foot injury. When he was little (around 6 months) his feet were turned all the way in. He had to wear those funky foot brace things with the bar for about 6 months. Anyway, I’ve decided to take him to the doc next week to see if there’s a potential problem, or if he just needs to be retrained to run on his toes. (or just trained to run period. boy is slower than a sleeping snail.)

Okay, there. I’ve blogged. Before I go, I should give one last shout out to Jenna, the sex kitten. Please, go donate to help save a ta-ta.

Last year’s RWA Conference. Jenna, Mel, Louisa.

mel francis: on writing

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Before I begin today’s informative post, let me first ask: Have you saved a ta-ta today? Go forth and donate.

No I am not Stephen King. No, I don’t want to be Stephen King. But I do have some things to say about writing.

I’ve been doing this “fulltime” writer thing since September. (I can’t count August because of the moving and my vacation.) Guess what I’ve discovered?

It ain’t easy!

Sometimes I think I accomplished more in the few hours at night and on the weekends than I do during the day. Part of that is because we haven’t settled in our own home yet. That will help. It’s difficult to get a routine going when your living with your parents or your in-laws. But, living with them is allowing me to stay a fulltime writer in today’s world. (Who wants 2 mortgages in this market? especially on 1 income!)

I’m finding my way. I have discovered I do better away from the house right now. I go to the library or to a little coffee shop in the morning and I write.

So, on that front, I am putting some finishing touches on a new proposal that Deidre will be sending out very soon. I can’t wait! I love this story!

Today, I’m working on BITE ME! I’m about halfway through the first draft and have high hopes to be finished with it mid-November. I had hoped to be finished end of October, but that doesn’t look like it’s going to happen. But it will be finished early! I am determined. I want to get a jump start on book 2 (tentatively titled LOVE SUX!) and if the stars are aligned, I’ll have another contracted novel to be working on as well.

This has been Mel Francis: On Writing. This blog has been brought to you by the breast offices of Ta and Ta. Please don’t forget to donate.

save the ta-tas!

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My friend, Jenna Mayson, is walking 26 miles for a cure! Please click here and offer your support to the Sex Kitten who can’t keep a secret. She needs $1000 more to hit her goal! Come on folks! Even $10 will help save the ta-tas!

meet gizzard

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Yes, I said Gizzard. I didn’t name him, I just serve him.

Giz is a chihuahua/dachshund mix. Or you can call him a Chi-weenie or a Weeniehuahua (weenie-wahwah). He belongs to my BIL, but while Bonehead is on the USS Comfort on a humanitarian tour of duty, Gizzard is staying with the inlaws. And right now, so am I.

Gizzard really likes me and he spends lots of time in my lap or the crook of my arm. He really likes the computer, and sleeping under the covers.

We tell Gizzard he’s beautiful, and if you think otherwise, keep it to yourself.

my duck…

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I’m taking a small writing break to share a story.

The Fishdog is a music madman. If it’s out there, he’s heard it. The more obscure, the more likely it is that he’ll not only know the song, he probably has it on his MP3 player.

This has rubbed off on our kids. It’s amazing to see these guys singing songs I didn’t even know they’d heard of. And we’re pretty wide open musically and honestly, there’s very little we don’t let the kids listen to.

But there is this one song on the MP3 player that I’ve forbidden for a while because of the subject…

Of course, you know what happened. Fishdog and I left the kids in the car while we ran back into the house to grab something we’d forgotten. And, as luck would have it, the song came on.

I discretely asked Fishdog if he thought they got the lyrics and understood what the song was about. He just laughed out loud. I mean, it’s hardly a subtle song.

Ian starts asking “What?” and Rader says, “Are you talking about that, My Duck song?”

Oh yeah, My Duck. That’s what the song says.

For those of you who are easily offended (why are you reading my blog?)or are at work without headphones, don’t click this video. Everyone else, please listen and try hard not to sing along saying “My Duck”…

hello again.

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I took a day off from Blogging because I was too busy writing. I had a bit of a breakthrough yesterday and it felt great and I didn’t wanna break the momentum to talk about nothing.

Which, let’s face it, my blog is the “Seinfeld” of blogs. Which is fine. Apparently I can talk about nothing all day long.

I’m sitting in Community Bakery this morning, enjoying my hubby’s company and my cup o’ joe. We’ve been temporarily relocated to my in-laws’ house, due to an unfortunate septic tank incident. Fishdog’s parents don’t have a wireless network. Hell, they barely have internet, truth be told. So, we had to set out this morning for food and our internet fix. MUST. CHECK. MAIL. she says, thumping a vein…Hurry. Hurry….

Ahhhhhh. Much better. I can’t imagine not being able to wake up and log in to delete the 17 spam messages I get every morning.

I’ll be spending next week in Oxford. My plan is to become a hermit inside my own home and write. I have a lofty page count goal, but since I’ll have no kids, no hubby, no carpool line, no soccer, no cross-country…I might be able to hit my mark.

Today I have my first hair appointment since relocating. This girl has been highly recommended by a friend and apparently enjoys a client who enjoys changing her hair. We’ll see what happens…

So what’s going on with you? Anything big happen this week or any plans for next?

Oh and before I forget…
Woo Pig Sooie! Beat Kentucky!

procrastination post #2

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It be International Talk Like a Pirate Day:

My pirate name is:

Mad Ethel Kidd

Every pirate is a little bit crazy. You, though, are more than just a little bit. Even though you’re not always the traditional swaggering gallant, your steadiness and planning make you a fine, reliable pirate. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from piratequiz.com.
part of the fidius.org network

Here’s my earlier post, reworked Pirate style:

“t’s early, that’s for damn aye. Too early t’ be up cleanin’…which obviously I’m not doin’ since I’m bloggin’. I can has procrastinashun. Last night, after a full day o’ dustin’, cleanin’, sneezin’ and watchin’ 2 movies (oops, I accidentally sat down with t’ TV on…that’ll show me!) I went t’ what crawled out o’ t’ bung hole with me bucko Andrea. It was nice t’ just sit and chill…and sneeze. Damn those dusty blinds! where’s me claritin?

Now this mornin’ I have t’ finish vacuumin’ t’ cat hair out o’ t’ air and off t’ furniture, mop t’ floor and hit t’ road. Fishdog was up all night workin’ (I don’t know if gettin’ this new Powerbook was such a good idea now) so he was comin’ t’ bed as I was makin’ coffee. He’s gonna get up when t’ sun comes up, mow and clean t’ carport. Then we should be ready for this weekend’s open house.

We have t’ go aft t’ Little Rock today because Ian’s first cross-country meet be this afternoon. It won’t be thrillin’ t’ sit at t’ finish line and wait, but it be thrillin’ that Ian be runnin’. I hope he sticks it out. Anyway, I think I’ve procrastinated enough. Must. Clean. (after another cup o’ coffee, o’ course…)”