so over it

Yup. I’m over this week. SO BLOODY OVER IT.

It really has been a rather craptastic week and just when I thought there was a silver lining? I came home to this in my driveway:

Let me tell you about the asshat who was driving too fast, missed the curve and took out my gas meter…then drove off. Yeah. Without stopping. But the awesome dudes at Centerpoint moved my meter out of the line of fire and had me up and running by 5:00. Thanks, guys. Y’all are rock stars!

Dear assmunch in the GREEN SUV in Bryant, AR,

Thanks for not stopping. I hope your GREEN SUV is permanently damaged.


The almost good news is, the cops think they know who did it, but they can’t prove it yet. Wanna know what gave the asschunk away? Apparently he drove the GREEN SUV into a telephone pole 3 miles away. They’re pretty sure it’s the same person. And that GREEN SUV is pretty damn damaged now.

Hah. Karma…she’s a bitch.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: Karma strongly believes in what comes around goes around so if you continue to come around…she will make sure you get your go around…
It’s ladies night tonight.

Ahhhhh. There’s my silver lining.

it’s a bouncing baby….NUNYA!

Okay, Internet. We need to talk.

Y’all are WAY too interested in the status of Melissa Francis’s uterus. Especially you nosy little people in Florida. “Is Melissa Francis CNBC pregnant?” has become my #1 google search hit of all time. And don’t get me wrong, Florida. You’re one of my favorite states. Some of the people I love the most in this world live there…but seriously? You guys have an unhealthy obsession with whether or not Melissa is in the family way.

Get over it. Gah!

FWIW, I did a fun little interview with my good twin back in the fall. Pop over and read it if you want. I even asked her back then if she was pregnant because all you looky-loos seem to need to know.

Now onto more important things…

Today is Thursday and you know what that means, Internet?

Girls Night Out!!

I love Thursdays, don’t you?

the upcoming week…

It’s Monday, and of course, I’m blogging over at Fictionistas. Pop over and say hi.

I’m currently at Beaver Lake with my girlfriends having a very good time. Look, read about last year’s trip here: Tales From Beaver Lake
For a funny bit of trivia, I just got a pedicure this weekend and my toes are painted Lizard Green. I love them.

Apparently last year, before I went on this very same trip, I had my toes painted the very same green.

This year’s toes:

Last year’s toes:

I’ll blog lots when I get back–I’m sure I’ll have loads of material, just not sure I’ll be able to actually share any of it.

The MONTH OF MEL: day12

Oops! I was so caught up in myself, that I almost forgot to post today’s MONTH OF MEL! post. Talk about an oxymoron! WTF?

Today started off miserably. It was cold and gray and rainy and sleety and I hated every minute of it because just a couple of days ago, I was hanging out in the sun sporting a tank top and a smile.
Fucking Mother Nature and her fickle bitch ways.
But not today. No. It was cold. And sleeting! FUCKING SLEETING–most of the day. Honestly? Sleet? BITE ME!

So today, I didn’t wanna get out of bed. I alternated between wanting to be buried under a blanket in my favorite pajama pants, and dying to walk on the beach, listening to the waves crash the shore, smelling the salty air, and feeling the sun on my face.

I was so emotionally spent in daydreams of the beach that I completely neglected my blog duties. I apologize. I hope you can forgive me. If not–I hope you can spank me will gladly accept my punishment.

About 2:30 today, I was faking work pretty well–just trying to get through the last 30 minutes of the day, when one of my co-workers came into my cube and said, “Melissa, we’re having a meeting in here, you wanna join us?”

I immediately glanced at my calendar–no meeting. I was afraid that perhaps maybe I had ignored a meeting accidentally. ( I would NEVER purposefully ignore a meeting. EVER. I swear…)

I knew something was up b/c they were all gathered in the hallway.

And my instincts did not fail me. They had gotten me a cake and some black and white balloons!

I was pleasantly surprised. And my cake was fantastic!

Then my Thursday Girls met me out tonight for dinner and drinks.
Apparently the acoustics in that restaurant were pretty damn awesome because no matter how quiet or loud we were being, our cute, funny, and charming waiter heard us. He’s our regular waiter and is very comfortable with us. And tonight, we were having some pretty colorful discussions and he would just chime in. I actually blushed once.

I know, right? Me? Blushing? Who knew?

Despite the ugly weather, it wound up being a fabulous day. It’s great being Mel.

How was your Day 12 of the MONTH OF MEL!?

meet sockmonkey and the new digs

Sockmonkey is my BFF. (okay, she’s my only QUIET BFF)

Fishdog bought me Sockmonkey on a date night. We were living in Oxtopia (aka Oxford, MS) and it was one of the first real date nights we’d had since we’d moved there.

So we’re walking around after dinner and go into on of our favorite weird little stores, AS SEEN ON TV. It was a video rental store that also has loads of toys and gadgets from the 60s and 70s. And then some other fun stuff that you can also find at Archie McPhee. You could also buy beer there and they had a great selection. (No Bud Light to be found…)

Anyway, that’s where I saw her. Sockmonkey called to me and I had to beg Fishdog to buy her for me.

He did. And she’s been watching me work ever since.

Well, Sockmonkey has saved all her hard earned money and is getting ready to go on her first girl’s getaway. I have decided to document her trip and plan to blog about it while we’re gone. She’s asked me if her good ‘friend’ Gnomeboy can come along…but I’m not sure. This is a girl’s getaway. There might will be excessive drinking. What if Sockmonkey lets loose? What if she and Gnomeboy take their friendship to a whole nubba lebel? I’m not sure if she’s ready for that…and I know I’m not.

What do you think? Should Gnomeboy be allowed to go?

And on another topic all together–welcome to my new site! What do you think?

tales from beaver lake

Yeah. That’s where I was last week. Beaver Lake. Seriously, how appropriate is it that we had a girls’ week at Beaver Lake? If I wrote that in a book, I’d have to change it cuz nobody would believe it possible.

This is the sight I had every morning from the back deck.

I would wake up about 7:30, sometimes slightly hung-over, with my coffee, my laptop, and my blackberry. I couldn’t quite give up all forms of outer communication…No real internet connection though, so I got loads of writing done. (notice the fishdog did NOT blog for me while I was away. Bad doggie. No bone for you)

The first night there, D and I shared a bottle (or two) of champagne. We toasted each other…and we toasted a bit of good (GREAT) news a friend of mine recently received. (a piece of news I’d love to cheer via the internets but am unable to do so at this time…stay tuned)

It didn’t take long for the first dragonfly to show up. My friend D was shocked the little dude was up around the cabin. She said they usually stay by the lake. I had to tell her he was there for me. They follow me. Louisa, Maria and Marley can tell you. It’s kinda weird. Even Deidre has seen it before. Dragonflies are my totem. If they search me out, does that make me some kind of Queen Dragonfly?
The dragonfly was the first of many critters I saw while hanging out at Beaver Lake. First there was the lake kitty who loved me. We call him smiley. We don’t like his “real” name. It’s stupid. Smiley fit. Smiley liked my lap. A lot.
And then we saw a snake…
and the next day, we saw him with his girlfriend having frenzied serpent sex. I ran in to get my camera and they took it under a rock. Guess they didn’t want their jungle love to be on the internets.

I also saw a bobcat and several deer. Again, I was without my camera. Of course, I see deer all the time, but I would’ve loved to have captured the pretty wild kitty on camera.

During the day, we’d go down to the dock and layout. We had intended to take the boat to the waterfalls, but it was so freaking windy, it wouldn’t have been very fun. So, we just enjoyed our books and the sun.

Oh. And I got to drive a mule, which was pretty much made of awesome.
And for the record, we honestly did NOT mean to spy on the naked people camping across the lake. It was a total accident.
tomorrow: BEAVER LAKE GHOST STORY…Stay tuned.

it’s vajority night

Okay, there’s a new word out, according to the Urban Dictionary.


The majority of women.

As in:
The vajority will vote for Hillary in 2008.

So, thanks to Feisty’s fabulous suggestion, I’m taking vajority to the HNL ( ‘hole nubba lebel).

From now on, we’re no longer going to have Girl’s Night Out. Oh no. It’s Vajority Night.

C’mon ladies! Sing with me.

It’s Vajority Night, and I’m feeling right
Oh yes it’s Vajority Night, oh what a night. (oh what a night)