Month of Mel 2012: Day 20

Welcome to all the new traffic! I’m sorry to say I’m not the Melissa Francis you’re looking for, though she is awesome. I “interviewed” her in 2009 after she emailed me. I was getting lots of searches for “Melissa Francis Pregnant” and she totally was, but she wasn’t ready to let the bun out of the oven yet…haha

So, for everyone currently searching for

Melissa Francis boobs (I do have a nice rack, but I don’t think you’re looking for me)
Melissa Francis hot (aw, I’m blushing)
Melissa Francis nude (you really DON’T wanna see that)
Melissa Francis tits (see boobs)
Melissa Francis sexy legs (not really, but hers are great)
Melissa Francis Fox or CNBC

 this is who you’re looking for:

I’m sad to say she’s now with *barf* Fox Business, but hey, even good people can be drawn to the dark side… as long as she keeps her sense of humor, she’ll be just fine. You can find her on twitter: @MelissaAFrancis

This is who I am:

I’m a red head; she’s blond. I’m write fiction; she works for Fox (same thing, almost…) I’m a smart ass; she’s smart. This is my birthday month, hers is in December.

While you’re here, I think you should check out my books and buy them because A: I’m awesome and would like to get a royalty check one day. B: You’re already here, so all you have to do is click the links on the sidebar to support the arts. C: Don’t you want all Melissa Francis’s to be successful?

Here, I’ll make it really easy for you:



at 8.99 per book, this is quite a bargain! (also available on Kindle and Nook…)

Hello Humpday. What you got for me today?

  • Popsicles taste better in a hammock.

  • Today we register Rader for 8th grade and that’s just weird to think that I have an 8th grader…who’s almost 6ft tall. WTF?
  • In other news, the double hammocks do indeed work for two people who are not pint-sized.
  • I have finished both my recaps for the Bachelorette Finale and After the Final Rose but Hey Don’t Judge Me is offline right now for server upgrades. Hopefully we’ll be back up and you can read all the goodness that is crappy TV.
  • I woke this morning to this:
  • Today is Wine Wednesday but I’m not sure it’s gonna happen as per usual. We shall see.

Oh and for the recent visitors to my blog who are looking for Melissa Francis from CNBC …Let me answer what I can for you: Yes she has great legs. Yes she’s married (to Wray Thorn, I believe)–at least she was this time last year when she had a baby. I have no idea how her tits look, but from the number of searches looking for them, they must be fabulous. You can find her on twitter @MelissaCNBC and if you work your google-fu properly, you can find an awesome Frosted Flakes commercial she did when she was a kid. And in that commercial, her eyebrows are amazing. Wait, here’s a fun interview I did with her in 2009 and I posted the commercial at the end…it’s pretty fantastic.

it’s my right as your mom to give you something to talk about in therapy

You’re my kid. I’m gonna pay for your therapy anyway, so I’m gonna give you something to discuss. Like how your momma has ruined your life by posting pictures of you sleeping on the internetwebz where they will remain forever and ever.

Yes, this is what happens when you don’t get out of bed in the mornings…

Oh and according to Sleeping Beauty, a giant ziplock back of Cap’n Crunch in your backpack helps you focus better. I mean, I always thought that’s what the Concerta was for, but hey, if Cap’n Crunch is doing the same thing…carry on.
Sleeping Beauty also informed me that if I let the world know my secret identity, he would probably need even more therapy. I guess he didn’t like that I was carrying my personalized backpack today. The very one given to me by the super hero delegation. This backpack works for me and me alone, as it is synced up with my DNA. (My evil twin sister keeps trying to take it from me, but my backpack is super smart. OR am I the evil twin sister? Hmmmm)


Shut up, you! Do I even look remotely evil? You’re the evil one. And I look better in pink.


I’m rubber and you’re glue.


No good can come of you wearing pink. Where’s the super glue? Oh, there it is…Suck it, Super Bad. I’m the real Supergirl and you’re just SOL.


Aw. Someone isn’t so super after all.

Can y’all do me a favor? (because I’m asking, not because I’m going to use my super powers for evil and cover the world in locusts and booger flavored jelly beans) If you guys are on Facebook (and you know you are) Will you please go “like” our HEY DON’T JUDGE ME page? And if you’re reading the recaps, can you “like” the ones you dig? Because we’re trying to get advertisers so we can get paid and we’re really, really close to that, so the more you LIKE the better chance we have of making a dime or two and becoming internetz famous.
And you KNOW you want me to be internetz famous. Even more so than being the “other” Melissa Francis. You know, the one not on TV…(true story, I always wanted to be on Little House on the Prarie. I figured if there were 3 other Melissa’s on that show, then I should be, too…)

Start Me Up! er STAT me up!

We haven’t done a stats blog in a while. I always find what people “google” to find my website very, very interesting. (by the way, when I do these blogs I always think “Stat Me Up” but then start singing “Start Me Up” by the Stones… Go figure…)

I’m getting a lot of searches for CNBC Anchor Melissa Francis again. She must be stirring the controversy pot or wearing lots of cleavage shirts on the boob tube (hee hee!) You know, to show off her healthy lungs. I’ve blogged about her before…and even did an interview with her… CNBC Melissa Francis (sorry some of the picture links and direct links to archived blogs are still broken.)

She’s very funny to chat with. I nearly had a stroke the day she emailed me a couple of years ago suggesting I post a few naked pics of her (well, her
head on Meghan Fox’s body) so she could mooch off the attention.

Best. Email. Ever. I’m gonna have to let her know people seem to be very interested in seeing her naked again. And they really like her legs, too. And cleavage. I get it, Internetz! CNBC Melissa Francis is hot! Fine. Hmph. This is my blog and I’m hot, too. Uh. nevermind.

I’ve had a significant increase of people actually looking for Melissa Francis the Writer. <— hey! that’s me! I’ve had a lot of MILF searches, as well. <—- Hey that’s me! Some Lucas Black/Sling Blade searches, and one:

Marry Me, Melissa.

Wow. Where’s my ring? I won’t even consider this a real proposal without a ring. Got it? Also, I need a few details before I commit to a lifetime with you. First off, what’s your name? Are you gainfully employeed? Will I be allowed to continue to date El Jefe?

My favorite two recent search terms?

Secret deoderant how to open

small, blonde country singer singing about bitchin’ about her man. <–I did NOT make that up. Someone from Dillsburg, Pennsylvania searched for that. Sorry to say, I’m pretty sure you didn’t find what you were looking for.

In other news, I’ve been experiencing an increased amount of anxiety lately and I don’t like it. Nope, not one bit. I know there are things that I can’t control and I used to let that stuff roll off my back like water, but lately I’ve been letting it seep in and make my blood boil. Not healthy. So I think I’m going to start running again. Okay, “running” again. Because when I exercise regularly, my blood is too tired to boil…
In other Other news… the Old 97’s have a new album out this week… Must. Have. ❤ ❤ ❤
In other Other OTHER news… we had Wine Wednesday last night for my friend Cathie’s bday but I just drank water (see anxiety. Booze = bad news for high BP…even though I like to pretend it really relaxes me…) So it was Wineless Wednesday. I have it on good authority (the voices in my head) that Kim Cattrall Crawford missed me terribly. BUT…I also have it on better authority that she’s still on sale for $13.99 at Colonial Wine and Spirits…usually she’s $18.99 a bottle…I may have to stock up. For medicinal purposes. Er, I mean for when I’m no longer allowing stupid shit to bother me…

In other Other OTHER OTHER… yeah, I got nuffin. I’m done here. Have a very happy Thursday!

it’s a bouncing baby….NUNYA!

Okay, Internet. We need to talk.

Y’all are WAY too interested in the status of Melissa Francis’s uterus. Especially you nosy little people in Florida. “Is Melissa Francis CNBC pregnant?” has become my #1 google search hit of all time. And don’t get me wrong, Florida. You’re one of my favorite states. Some of the people I love the most in this world live there…but seriously? You guys have an unhealthy obsession with whether or not Melissa is in the family way.

Get over it. Gah!

FWIW, I did a fun little interview with my good twin back in the fall. Pop over and read it if you want. I even asked her back then if she was pregnant because all you looky-loos seem to need to know.

Now onto more important things…

Today is Thursday and you know what that means, Internet?

Girls Night Out!!

I love Thursdays, don’t you?

happy birthday and WOO PIG SOOIE!

It’s Robyn’s Birthday! Welcome to the 40 is fantastic club! See you tonight!! (This picture was taken after my launch party was over back in August. Robyn was the hostess with the mostest!)

Also, after a week off, my little piggies are playing the Georgia Bullfrogsdogs tonight.

Go Hogs! Beat Dawgs!

Y’all have a great weekend. And thanks to for linking to my Melissa Francis CNBC interview. Welcome to all the new Melissa Francis looky-loos. Pull up a chair and stay a while. My legs might not be as great as hers, but I’m pretty awesome nonetheless.

thanks @MelissaCNBC & other stuff

First of all, Melissa Francis #2…you rock. Because you have such a great sense of humor and willingly played along with my goofy interview, I will allow you to be Melissa Francis #1 for the weekend.

You’re welcome.

Secondly, I’m really sorry I posted that commercial, but honestly, you can’t blame me! I mean, you did tell me about the commercial–it would’ve just been lazy journalism not to try to find it. Trust me, you looked GRRRRREAT! <–sorry, just can't stop doing that. If you guys are on twitter, follow her @MelissaCNBC

Now onto the other stuff:

I walked in the rain twice this week, wh/ was actually amazing. It was the perfect kind of rain…sometimes getting a little hard, (MINDS OUT OF THE GUTTER PLZ!) but mostly just steady and warm. No thunder or lightning…just rain. Ahhh.

I had my weekly GNO last night and just want to say I have the best friends in the world and count myself as a very lucky goddess.

My kids are doing okay in school but need to be doing better so I’m getting ready to throw out the Xbox.

My writing has been slow to non-existent lately, but that’s about to change. Funny how stress canaffect effect affect effect influence the creative flow. Good news is, that stress is now relieved and I’m all better.

I apparently still have trouble with Affect and Effect even though I KNOW the rule, I can’t help myself…I always get it wrong before I get it right.

I had a new wine this week and it’s awesome because it goes with my current favorite song:

Here’s the wine:
And here’s the song:

am I the only one who wants to smack the hell out of the skinny bitch in this video? Chris Young needs a real woman…like me.

Y’all have a great weekend.

A very special guest: CNBC’s Melissa Francis!

Y’all have gone and done it now. You’ve gone and googled Melissa Francis CNBC one too many times.

Each week it’s something new. Usually it’s all about Melissa’s legs, or inquiring about her marital status…but this week–this week you googlers have googled something new.

Is Melissa Francis pregnant?

I can assure you that neither of us are…how can I be so sure about the state of her uterus? Because I emailed her and asked. (actually I believe I said “according to my stats, you are expecting a Melissa Francis, Jr. Congrats if it’s true.”

After we exchanged a few emails, we decided I should conduct an interview for all you googling looky-loos out there…so here goes:

1. Are you pregnant?

I have to wonder what part of my anatomy is sending this signal. Perhaps I ate too much on vacation. Maybe I’ve let our CNBC stylist tailor my clothes a little bit too snuggly. I’m doing sit ups now while I’m typing, by the way.

2. Are you married or do you have a boyfriend?

Larry Kudlow is my TV husband, but alas he is already spoken for. I think my other tv spouse from MSNBC, Contessa Brewer, is way out of my league. Does this answer your question?

and the most often searched for item is about your awesome legs so tell me:

3. How did you get your awesome legs? (please deny working out in any form…)

That is very flattering. It almost compensates for the pain inflicted by question #1. I did run track in high school… I even did a Frosted Flakes commercial that involved me running hurdles when I was an actor in LA… but these days I mostly run to the set when I’m late for my show because I’ve spent too much time admiring David Faber’s hair in the make up room.

4. Have you read my book? (BITE ME! HarperTeen 2009)
I am still waiting for my signed copy.

5. If no: Why not? If yes: Wasn’t it awesome?

The press on it has been outstanding, and I know it is required reading among vampire elite. I may download it to my Kindle and stop waiting next to my mailbox.

6. Is it hard on you when people ask you if you’re ‘The Melissa Francis who wrote that awesome book?’ or do you just roll with it?

I usually lie and say we are the same person. It makes me seem so much more hip and multi-faceted. It’s much better than letting people think I just write about boring market events, the economy, and what I need at the grocery store.

So now @MelissaCNBC is my new BFF. Or I’m her evil twin. Whatever. Doesn’t matter. She’s GRRRRREAT! (Yes, I found the commercial on YouTube. It’s terrible quality, but it’s AWESOME)

Thanks for playing, Melissa. Your book is in the mail.