feeling swell

First off, thank you for all the wonderful comments about yesterday’s post. Many of us had a nice discussion on Facebook and I also received a couple of private messages that meant the world to me.  We all have stuff that lingers from our past, and we all have different ways to cope. In high school, my coping mechanism was to be happy no matter what in public. I ignored all the ugly remarks about the size of my butt, BUT, they never went away.

“She’s so chunky, you have to eat her with a fork.”

“Chunky, chunky 2 by 4, can’t get through the kitchen door.”

I made myself believe the people who said those things to me were just ‘ribbing’ me. Like they would one of the guys. And so then, I became one of the guys. Because THAT was the safest thing to do. If you’re one of the guys, then you don’t expect to get a boyfriend. You’re not going to, anyway. Boys don’t like curvy girls. So I threw a football better than most dudes, I played all the sports and became better friends with the boys than I did with most of the girls. I also threw myself into every extracurricular activity I could, from Student Senate to Class Officer. I was the most unpopular popular kid in high school.

It’s funny, our perceptions of each other growing up. I felt like nobody knew me, like I was just so-n-so’s sidekick, I was the fat friend with a good personality, the pity date, the third wheel.  So when I went to college, I still had this weird, self-perception.

But now, 30 years later, even though I fight those old feelings, I actually feel pretty fucking swell. I’ve got some amazing friends, a super amazing boyfriend and my kids–I survived high school so I could be the kind of mom I am today. And I wake up happy everyday (even when I don’t want to get out of bed because the sleep won’t leave my face!) It’s nice, this swellness I have on my inside parts.

I think that’s why I get so bent out of shape about bullying these days. And I’m not even talking about mean kids being mean. That sucks and it needs to be stopped. I’m talking about adult bullying kids but calling it ‘parenting.’ If your kid goes through life feeling worthless because you called her a whore for wearing too much makeup to a party or an inappropriate dress or you tell her girls with those size thighs can’t wear those skirts…or girls with no boobs shouldn’t put on boob dresses….then you’re being a bully. You’re not parenting, you’re shaming. My parents are amazing grandparents, but when I had the boys, I made it very clear to them… they were never to feel shame for asking questions or wearing something that looked horrible but they picked it out themselves. They were never to be called names EVER. Because shaming is not good parenting. Luckily, I broke free of that pattern, but a lot of kids grow up to be the same kind of parents… It’s not fair to their kids.

/soap box for the day

Have I shown y’all my summer look? Or what I PLAN to be my summer look?

b565857d7fcc88210771ed351333ced1I’m gonna rock this look all summer long, and sparkle while I’m doing it…

This picture inspired me… :

480900_451243814958361_1530752660_nHow to get a bikini body: PUT A BIKINI ON YOUR BODY. Yeah yeah, that’s actually a 2-piece not a bikini. I’m confident but not THAT confident. LOL

Anyway, y’all do something kind for yourself today. And smile. You know smiling is contagious…right?

When Thin was In…

This is not a “bagging on the skinny chicks” post, so please, don’t take it that way. If you do, then you probably ought to do a little self examination of your own. Everyone needs love themselves for who they are…and to help myself with that,  I’m endeavoring to write more honestly, to use my blog in a way that will help me on my path to physical health. And part of good physical health is emotional health, and writing is very good for me emotionally.

And I need to explore my past to improve my future. Please excuse me while I slice open a vein…

I am an 80s girl through and through. And, if you were an 80s kid with me, you know that decade was not made for curvy people.

Every pant was high-waisted and tapered. No hips allowed. And for those of us with an hour-glass figure, we had to buy pants a size too big and then have our MeMa dart the waist by at least an inch. (what? Only me?) No wonder everyone thought I was fat. I was relegated to Chic and Lee Jeans. UGH. The horror.

il_fullxfull.452142843_dewy il_224xN.447391093_jv5g

Yes, I was told weekly by my basketball coach that I was fat and needed to get to a goal weight of 118-125. I weighed 135-140, was 5’6 and played 2 hours + of basketball a day.

But I was “fat” because I had tits, hips and thighs.

Mel 8th Grade BBall

Please ignore the mullet.

Look at “Fat Mel” from 8th grade. Yeah. I know. Ridiculous.

But think about what kind of damage hearing how fat you are when you weigh 135-140 lbs when you’re 14 years old. That number is always my “fat” number, mentally. So imagine how bad I felt about myself several years ago when I was 100 lbs over my “fat” number? Talk about self-esteem issues!

The other problem with the 80s’ idea of the perfect physical shape was the clothing.

I wanted to be the girl who could wear the White Patch Levis. You know the ones I’m talking about, right? The ones only the hot girls could wear? (At least, in my mind those were the only girls who could wear them. The skinny girls with no hips.)

il_fullxfull.297862858And I wanted to be in the club. I wanted to be a broomstick, not a brick house. Because in those days, girls were shamed into believing they needed to change their bodies to fit in. Coaches snatched our candy bars from our hands and told us we needed to eat more salads–NO DRESSING. Daddies told us we’d never find a boy if we didn’t lose weight and compared us to our friends. “Why can’t you be more like them?” It didn’t matter if the friend they were comparing you to was having sex, doing drugs, boozing it up, smoking cigarettes, or failing school… it mattered that they looked good in their basketball, softball, cheerleader, you name it Uniform. And of course, in their White Patch Levis.

I spent a lot of time covering myself up, trying to hide my body. I wore sweat pants and t-shirts almost everyday. I used the excuse of having only 5 minutes between the end of school and the beginning of basketball practice to change, but the reality was, my clothes became my wall. I developed a witty sense of humor and had friends from every walk of life (which I’m grateful for, to this day) and I pretended to not care what anyone thought about me. I got good at feigning confidence. But at night, when I was alone, I would flip through the Spiegel and Esprit  catalogs and pray that my hips would go away. Those magazine pages (especially the swimsuit ones) were tear-stained and ruined by the end of the 80s.

What a horrible thing to do to a child. To put such unrealistic ideals in their heads and to make them ashamed of their body shape. To try to force them into being just like everyone else. Those expectations are hard to overcome, even as an adult.

I’m 44 years old. I’m 60 lbs over my current ideal weight and I have never loved myself more, nor have I ever felt sexier.

But it has taken a LONG time for me to get here, and trust me when I tell you, I still struggle everyday with loving myself for who I am. Not because I’m not awesome (I’m totally awesome) but because in the back of my mind, I’m still the 14 year old girl who just wants to be skinny so people will approve of her.

I think we have come a long way in the fat-shaming world, BUT we’re not fully there yet. If we were, things like Mike Jeffries saying “fat chicks” can’t be one of the “cool kids” wouldn’t happen. Shaming children in any way is wrong. One of the things I swore I’d do as a parent was to build my kids up for who they are and teach them to celebrate their individuality and revel in the differences of others. And they both do that, rather well, thankfully.

I tell you all of this to let you know the reason I still struggle with my weight. Not because I’m worried about being “fat” because I’m not. I’m sexy. The dudes dig me (and the chicks, too, tyvm) and frankly, I dig myself. I struggle with my weight because ultimately, I want to be healthier. I’m a very fit fat girl. What I want to be is just fit. There’s always going to be someone who thinks of me as the “fat girl” and that’s okay. They can label me however they want, that’s their problem, not mine. I’ve spent 30 years overcoming trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations, but I’ve finally given up trying to please anyone but myself. That is so freeing.

Welcome to my world, folks. I’m a little damaged, but I’m not broken. My extra padding has protected me.

weighing in

I have resisted this topic as long as possible. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I’m furious. And I’m ready to bomb.com the ugliest man on earth.

It’s like Gary Busey and Bif from BACK TO THE FUTURE had a hate orgy with Donatella Versace…


and the product was a baby named Mike Jeffries.

And I’m not just talking about his face–which, I totally could be. Mostly, this man is ugly on the inside.

By now we’ve all read his remarks. But just for the record, let me post them for you here:

That’s why we hire good-looking people in our stores. Because good-looking people attract other good-looking people, and we want to market to cool, good-looking people. We don’t market to anyone other than that.

In every school there are the cool and popular kids, and then there are the not-so-cool kids. Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely. Those companies that are in trouble are trying to target everybody: young, old, fat, skinny. But then you become totally vanilla. You don’t alienate anybody, but you don’t excite anybody, either.

Looks aside, because seriously, we all have our own cross to bear…WHO THE FUCK IS HE KIDDING?

You see, I have no problem with A&F having an exclusionary market. Many, many stores do. I do have a problem when A&F (and other stores) reducing their clothing sizes so that even average women can’t wear them. Believe it or not, I wear a large TShirt. A&F’s Large (even men’s large) is barely a medium.

This is why girls put such unrealistic goals on themselves and their natural body size/shape. A girl who is normally a size 10, thinks she’s supposed to be a size 8 or size 6 and is ashamed of herself for being “too big.” And let’s face it, since when should a size 10 be considered BIG? Holy crap!

And may the gods bless Ellen Degeneres who uses her beautiful size-tiny self and her beautiful humor to make the point that if we continue to allow the retailers to get away with subtracting sizes to make their clientele skinnier and more “cool” then what’s going to be next? Negative sizes? Are we going to be starving ourselves to get into a size -2? Just be happy and healthy with who you are. She’s funny. And she’s right.

Let me give you a personal example

Here are Marilyn Monroe’s measurements:

Height: 5 feet, 5½ inches
Weight: 140 pounds (the majority of her career)
Bust: 35-37 inches
Waist: 22-23 inches
Hips: 35-36 inches
Bra size: 36D

I will have you know, when I got married, these measurements were almost identical to mine. (my waist was a 26.) I was literaly  36-26-36

A perfect hourglass.

I was mortified because I thought I was fat. I was a size 10. Starving to get myself into a size 8. I was working out 7 days a week and struggling with everything in my body to try to get to 135 and stay there. (Because 140 was fat)

And this is what NO girl should ever have to go through. I was in my 20s and still struggled with it. Imagine being 14…and not having the emotional stability or the wherewithal to handle this type of pressure.

What’s the point of all this? We need to teach our children to love themselves for who they are. We need to teach ourselves the same thing. And we all need to learn that there is beauty in every size and we have got to stop letting the retailers and morons like Mike Jeffries tell us that fat kids aren’t cool. Because that ain’t cool, Dude.

If you’re beautiful on the inside, you’re beautiful on the outside. If you’re not, no clothing in the world is gonna help you, no matter what size you are.

Mike Jeffries needs to sit his “cool” ass down on a therapy couch and try to fix his inside parts before he starts throwing stones at us ugly, uncool, fat folks.

and then it was Thursday and the world rejoiced.

Before I get to my blog-of-nothing today, I posted this on FCR yesterday afternoon. I swear, I could have written this article.

PROJECT BENDYPANTS: PRACTICING YOGA WHILE FAT

I’ve been wanting to get back into yoga, but I’ve been holding off because of how fit people tend to view fatties when trying something new. Normally, I could give a flying rat’s ass about how people view me, but with yoga, it’s different. I can kick your ass in the gym or on the softball field, but you put me in yoga class and I turn into a shy, awkward mess. Because I’m not as flexible as I used to be. And because I have Gigantic G cups that get in my way and sometimes try to suffocate me in certain poses. So walking into a new class, with a yogi who doesn’t know me, makes me feel intimidated.

Not my favorite feeling in the world.

However, I have decided to try some yoga at home. I found this video on Fitbottomed Girls: Yoga for Weight-Loss: A Sequence for Beginners

I just wish I had a personal yogi who could help me with proper poses.

Enough of that talk, let’s talk about something else… Like, this morning’s note from the Universe!

The question, Melissa, that some might consider asking is, “Can others, doing what they’re now doing, no matter what their motivation, no matter what our relationship, and no matter what they decide, keep me from being all I want to be?”

And the answer is always, “Not in a million years.”

Whooohooo!
    The Universe

Especially, when who you want to be, Melissa, is as simple as being happy, huggable, and sharing your new good book deal with the world.

I needed this today. Sometimes I forget that the only person in charge of me, is ME. Sometimes I allow myself to get wrapped up in other people’s actions and reactions and forget that how/ who they are is not my problem nor is it my fault. Those are their issues, not mine.  It sounds easy, but the reality is, it is much more difficult to practice. But I am practicing. Everyday.

In other, other news…This will be another weekend with Rader, practicing driving! He’s stoked…as am I. He’s a quick learner, too.

Well, I hope you guys have a great Thursday. Turn your sparkle up to 11, folks! And if you have a sunroof or a convertible, I hope you’re somewhere that you can open the top and enjoy the day!

ETA:
I blogged at FCR today as well. I‘m talking about Mastering Yourself (not being the Master of Your Domain. I mean, why would you punish yourself like that?)

It’s a bright, bright, sunshiny day!

You’re welcome for the ear worm.

It is actually a beautifully bright and sunshiny day here in The Rock. I’m happy to say that Marissa and I will be walking outside instead of at the gym. This is a good thing. Rain will be rolling in tonight, so probably we’ll be doing the inside work out tomorrow.

I updated my progress at FCR today. Go forth and see how many inches I’ve lost in 23 days

Yesterday’s pain-in-the-membrane finally went away about 3:30. Thank goodness, because I was getting tired of squinting and rubbing my head. Yay for lots of Advil, caffeine and sugar!

Well, today’s blog is short and sweet. I’ll leave you with a funny pug gif that made me laugh.

feelin’ SASSY!

I’m talking about motivation, failure and success at FCR today. Go forth and read.

I thought I was going to gnaw my arm off yesterday afternoon around 4:30. I’ve been eating a ton of protein, but I guess my activity increase has motivated my metabolism to jump into gear, (this is a good thing) and by yesterday afternoon, I could’ve chased down a wildebeest and eaten it live in 4.5 seconds.

Instead, I went home and hurriedly put together a very high protein wrap and drank some roasted dandelion tea.  And I was full for the rest of the night.

And I woke this morning, full sass and sparkle. I hope you guys are wearing your shades, because I’m shining bright!

So rapid topic change…some of you folks need to stop taking FB so damn seriously. For REALZ. First off, if you have to qualify every freakin’ post on your own page with something like “Don’t be a hater, but…” or “This is MY opinion only, don’t hate…” then probably, you’re wrapping your ‘opinion’ in a bundle of judgement. And that’s okay, it’s your page, but if you’re not comfortable with the response you are going to get, then probably you should rethink your post.  Either own your feelings or bury them on the inside. Stop getting so defensive. (Probably, you wouldn’t be so defensive if you didn’t have some passive-aggressive alternate point to your post anyway.)

Just know, if you’re always posting life drama or hating on someone or ‘qualifying’ all your ‘controversial’ opinions…I’m hiding you from my news feed. I don’t need the negativity. I’ve spent months ridding myself of it…and since I find FB to be a place to be playful and fun, your constant pettiness and vitriol is not for me. You’re welcome to continue to drown yourself in it–it’s your page after all. I just choose to smile and click “hide from news feed.”

And this…is how I choose to live. It’s amazing how great I feel now that I’ve changed my attitude. It was a lot of work (and still is) but it was totally worth it.

Happy Tuesday! I hit the gym at lunch, am walking after work, then I’m getting my lashes refilled. Tomorrow is supposed to be hella stormy, and seriously, I’m kind of excited about it. I love a good spring thunderstorm…as long as nobody is hurt.

Stay sassy and carry on, bitches!

A weekend of sunshine and awesome.

I posted my Week 1 of 12 update at FCR this morning. Also there’s a fantastic baked or grilled salmon recipe included. Go forth and enjoy.

What a lovely weekend. I managed to mow for a couple of hours on Saturday, after walking 4 miles with Robyn. I also drove topless all weekend long.

The TreeFrog and his friend came over to do some yard work and enjoy foods that only his momma can fix.

That night, I baked some asparagus stuffed chicken breasts and made rice pilaf…mmmmm. And let met tell ya something, I threw some of the leftovers into a tortilla and added a little sour cream and avocado yesterday and it was one of the yummiest wraps I’ve ever tasted.

I don’t know if you’ve figured it out or not, but I’m kind of a big deal in the kitchen. (true story)

Jefe and I took the girls for their first swim of the season this weekend. Well, Trinity swam, Ruby waded and played but didn’t venture out very far. She sinks without her life jacket anyway, so probably it was for the best.

This was a lovely weekend. First one in a while that was sunshiny and warm. I even have a little color on my face and arms now! YAY! I hope y’all enjoyed the hell out of your weekend, and that you’re sparkling extra brightly today…even though it’s a Monday!

Oh, and BTW, my Father-in-Law’s surgery was successful and he’s home safe and sound. Thanks for the love and healing thoughts!

bippity boppity boo

I have no idea why I chose this title, but there you go. So, here you go:

Robyn and I enjoyed the sunshine yesterday and walked nearly 3 miles. My body protested, of course. But this morning, I woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed (note to self: shave tail) this morning.

12 weeks. We are committing to 12 weeks of eating healthier, and exercising daily. Like I said at FCR yesterday, I’ve done a great job keeping up my positive attitude and working on my sense of self. Now I just have to stop fueling my body with crap and start filling my well with exercise. After we complete the first 12, we’ll do it again until this is habit.

So, bippity boppity boo! It’s like magic. Only it takes dedication. I would very much like for my fairy godmother to help me out, though.

Happy day of foolishness!

“A naked woman in heels is a beautiful thing. A naked man in shoes looks like a fool.”
~Christian Louboutin

 Wise words for a foolish day…

How was your weekend? Mine was pretty fantastic. I love stormy weather. Lightning crackling and thunder booming…hard rains pelting the roof in a soothing staccato, lulling me back to sleep with its rhythmic lullaby… the only problem with the stormy weather (aside from the hail. POOR SALLY SPARKLE) was trying to get out of bed on Sunday. So I didn’t. Until lunch time with the family.

 Saturday afternoon, Jefe and I went to see GI JOE. Ladies, I’m not gonna lie, too many shirts were worn in this movie. But there was plenty to see and enjoy. And lots of explosions and bullets. And a little bit of witty repartee. It was covered in cheese, but that’s okay. Would you really expect anything else?

Friday was the only “lovely” day of the weekend until Sunday late afternoon, so when I got home from work, I sat outside and read.

I really wish Spring would get here and stay. It’s going to rain here Tuesday-Thrusday and only be in the 40s. But today, it will be sunny and  70s so Robyn and I are gonna get an outside walk in, while we have a chance.

Now, for a really lovely and inspiring read, for those of us who are amply-endowed and trying to get healthy. Check this out…HEY, FAT GIRL.

 Hope y’all have a beautiful Monday. And be careful for the pranksters…they’re out there. And you never know…you might be their next target!

ETA: btw, Carbkiller has resurrected our Fat Chicks Running blog and I’m gonna be participating again as well. I’m doing a 12 weeks challenge, so if I haven’t blogged here, you’ll probably find me there.