Tag Archives: Bite Me

THE MONTH OF MEL: day 18 CONTEST WINNERS!

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Okay, so I had a hard time picking a favorite of my limericks yesterday. WAY hard. I mean, any limerick that can incorporate “Chinchilla” in it, deserves major kudos.

And of course, there is the whole, “..MILF for the masses, she rocks ginger asses…” line which deserves to be bronzed.

Lucy called me a Southern Belle and I suddenly had a case of the vapors. Where’s my Rhett Butler? I need him to catch me as I swoon.

I honestly had a hard time picking a favorite. So, I decided to use Random.org and let fate pick for me!

Congrats to Elaina (#4) and Jeanne St. James (#10) (btw, I counted Elaina’s 4th Limerick for Marcus…)

That’s right! I decided the entries were so good, I had to give away 2 copies!!!!

Ladies email me your address and who you would like your copy signed to at tellmel@melissafrancis.net and I’ll ship them to you as soon as they arrive (should be today or tomorrow)

Here are all the entries. I have to say, I giggled all day. And I also couldn’t stop thinking in limericks…

Elaina Huntley said…
There once was a Diva named Mel
Who ran a 5k-What the Hell?
She finished ahead
Then went straight home to bed
Bite Me, is all she would yell
3/17/2009 07:29:00 AM

Elaina Huntley said…
A Diva named Mel wrote a book
Then shouted “Hey everyone look!”
My cover, she rocks
Oh and check out my socks
Then Bite Me, cause duh it’s the hook
3/17/2009 07:36:00 AM

R F Long said…
If you’re going to get our Mel’s book
to read in a dark, cosy nook
The secret is clear
And there’s no need to fear
her a sexy librarian look.
3/17/2009 08:06:00 AM

Elaina Huntley said… Last One! LOL
Bite Me, a book that is new
From our very own Mel Diva, True!
A MILF I aspire
She said with such fire
The balls of the boys all turned blue.

marcus said… I’m stuck with just a piece of limerick, the center part that I want to have go like this :
“..MILF for the masses,she rocks ginger asses…”
Elaina–can you work with that? ’cause I’m naming you Mistress O’Limericks
3/17/2009 08:28:00 AM

Elaina Huntley said…
Mel’O Diva said ‘y’all don’t you fret’
A turn on each hunk I will get
A MILF for the masses
She rocks ginger asses
And look, not even a sweat!
(How’s that marcus??) LOL

prabjohn said…
Mel is a chick, who writes, blogs, and twits.
About Bite Me, Fish Dog, and various shit.
She finished her 5K.
In less than half a day.
Which left her ample time to suck it.
3/17/2009 08:47:00 AM

Bonnie Ferguson said…
‘Tis March cried a blogger with glee
Known as the Month of Mel to all and sundry
Mel O’Drama, a fine Irish lass
Who’s more than once uttered: Kiss my Ass
Has written a grand tome titled Bite Me!
3/17/2009 01:34:00 PM

Rhoda said…
She runs, writes, bitches and blogs,
but I swear this lady could balance on logs.
She wrote a new book due out in month eight of 0-nine,
and I hope the advanced copy ends up being mine!
3/17/2009 01:46:00 PM

Rhoda said… #2
Melissa Francis, that fiction chick
bitches ’bout fiction like it’s gonna make her rich.
That fun lovin’ Mel is drama-swell,
Now let’s stop and read ‘bite me’, or she’ll curse us to hell.

Jeanne St. James said…
On a day meant for celebrating St.Paddy’s
There was a girl named Mel who liked handsome laddies
She wrote a book
With sharp teeth as the hook
If you read her story “Bite Me” you won’t have the saddies.
3/17/2009 05:00:00 PM

Lucy said…
There once was a trainer from hell
Who coached a sweet Southern Belle
When it came time to race
She kept up the pace
‘Cause that’s just the way of our Mel
3/17/2009 05:42:00 PM

Lucy said…
There once was an exercise class
Of which Mel considered no pass
She thought it was Rumba
Turned out it was Zumba
Yet still she thought it a gas
3/17/2009 05:49:00 PM

Lucy said…
There once was a writer named Mel
Who wrote YA hoping to sell
Her brand’s ‘Bitchin’ Fiction’
Just thought I would mention
Buy ‘Bite Me’ or get ready for hell
3/17/2009 06:35:00 PM

prabjohn said…
Ms.Mel, Hogzilla, or Boobszilla?
“Bite Me” coming soon to your villa
If you don’t buy and read
On your neck she will feed
Or on your nuts sick a chinchilla.
3/17/2009 09:45:00 PM

prabjohn said…
Vampires love blood in their tummy
Oh Mel, this may make you feel crummy
Since they don’t floss and brush
Do their teeth turn to mush?
Therfore, should the book be called “Gum Me.” <—OK seriously, that's just funny.
3/17/2009 10:04:00 PM

SheWolfSilver said…
It is the month of Mel
A very sexy bombshell.
A Diva who wrote a book.
What you ask is the hook?
I need something to read So, I wrote this for greed.

Paradox said…
AJ Ashe is a bit of a liar,
with a secret, in danger most dire.
“I’m normal,” she said,
though in fact she’s undead,
your everyday teenage vampire. (Paradox, this is excellent for having just read the ‘books’ page! Thank you for playing!)

I had two limericks enter via FB last night at 8:07 pm. I’m adding them here so they will count.
From Glenn:
limerick #1
There once was a writer named Mel,
From her hands best sellers they fell.
Her fans were all lined upAt Borders, Bretanos,
And everywhere where books they sell.

limerick #2
There once was a princess named Mel;
Her awesomeness easy to tell;
Her subjects all loved her,
A feminine wonder,
A Venus reposed on her shell.

Now do you see why it was so hard for me to choose??? Y’all are all awesome. I felt the limerick love, and am still all a green-glow today. (is that anything like being a teenage mutant ninja turtle?)

The MONTH OF MEL: DAY 17 a contest for an ARC of BITE ME!

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HAPPY KISS ME BECAUSE I LIKE GINGERS DAY! ST. PATRICK’S DAY!

So….Guess what?

I give you all a free pass to pinch me. That’s right. Even though I’m clearly wearing green, you’re allowed to pinch me.

You’re welcome.

Guess what else?

I’m supposed to be getting some BITE ME! ARCs (Advanced Reader Copies) this week! And because I’m feeling so generous (it is the MONTH OF MEL after all) I’m thinking of giving one away.

Here’s the deal. In honor of St. Patrick’s Day we’re gonna be writing Limericks!

Limericks rock.

If you want to win an advanced copy of my AWESOME book BITE ME! then here are the rules:

  1. The limerick subject has to have something to do with Me, my book, or my blog
  2. It’s okay if the limerick dirty, but please try to make it closer to PG-13 than XXX.
  3. You can enter up to 3 limericks. (If you enter more, I will only count the first 3)
  4. This will be totally subjective, as I will pick the winner. No random drawing this time! So make me laugh and you get a chance to win!
  5. You have to write and post a review of BITE ME! If you don’t have a website, you can email me your review and I’ll post it here. Yes, even if you didn’t like it. I know it won’t be for everyone and I’m okay with that. I will also link to your review once you have it posted if you’ll notify me.
  6. You have until midnight CST March 17 to enter. (1:00 a.m. EST/10:00 p.m. PST)

Now, who wants to play?

teach my ass, Melissa

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Dear Person from Germany who googled Teach my ass Melissa,

I’m going to need a little bit more direction. What exactly would you like me to teach your ass? Does your ass have something special it would like to learn?

I must admit, I am a very good teacher. I take my time with each lesson, make sure the student is fully apprised of the subject and I painstakingly teach, and reteach until the pupil can pass the test with flying colors. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it.

So your ass is in the right hands. But the problem is, I have no idea what lessons your ass would like to learn. So I’ve taken this opportunity to work up a list of potential subjects. Please let me know what your ass would like to learn.

  • how to eat with chopsticks: admittedly, this will be a tough lesson for me, as I have not mastered the art of chopsticks. I can do it, but it ain’t pretty. However, if this is what your ass chooses to learn, I will gladly do my best to teach it.
  • how to prepare foie gras: Um, yeah. sorry. That won’t be happening. I just learned what foie gras is during the last season of Top Chef. Your ass is on its own.
  • how to be a ninja: I don’t do stealth and I don’t do ninja. But I’ve got the name and number of a guy who does. if this is what you want, email me and I’ll put you two in touch.
  • Algebra: um, sorry. Your ass is striking out with me if you want to learn algebra. Mel is a firm believer that the alphabet and the numerical systems should be kept separate. Letters and Numbers do not equal more numbers.
  • how to be a milf: now we’re talking. I’m pretty sure I can teach your ass a little bit in the way of milfing, but it’s a lot of work. Is your ass up for the challenge?
  • how to text and drive: I would almost never do that! *have your ass contact me privately*
  • how to write a damn good book: THAT I can teach your ass. LMAO

Okay, these are just a few things your ass might be interested in learning. If your ass has something else in mind, please let me know.

Thanks for your interest. Now, in the mean time, I offer you this video on how to be a Ninja, free of charge. Watch it. You won’t be sorry.

“Judy Chop!” and “Don’t go ninjain’ nobody that don’t need ninjain'”

Thanks is not enough

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It’s bizarre.

I sold BITE ME! January, 2007. I’ve waited and waited and waited for the day it will hit the shelves.

Yesterday, BITE ME! was finally available for pre-order. Like a good little author, I laid on my back and whored myself out proper. (apparently, I’m a blog tramp)

And you guys responded.

I don’t know how to thank you. Every time I sit down to write this blog, to write a proper thank you note, I freeze. You guys were awesome yesterday. You ordered my book, you spread the word (much like I spread my legs), you gave me what I needed and for some reason I can’t find the right words to express my appreciation. (I’m supposed to be a writer, so this is a little unusual for me)

So let me just say, Thank You.

Those words aren’t enough and I know it. But they’re definitely a start. I told a friend of mine last night that I didn’t know how to respond to such an outpouring of support and his response? “You deserve it.”

As simple as that.

Whether I deserve it or not, that was really nice to hear. And all the private emails, facebook comments, cheering and sparkling were overwhelmingly heart-warming.

I love writing and I love this series. And I love the fact that many of you have enough faith in me to buy my first book.

Do I deserve it? No. Not really. Do I appreciate it? Absofuckinglutely. Y’all are amazing. I am humbled. I don’t do humble, so give me a minute to recover, mmmkay?

And tomorrow, I will resume regularly scheduled unserious blogging. The topic is a google phrase: “Teach My Ass Melissa”

I give you this teaser free of charge. You’re welcome.

Dear Person from Germany who googled Teach my ass Melissa,
I’m going to need a little bit of direction.

BITE ME! available for PRE-ORDER

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I’m about to fulfill my label as a Blog Tramp and pimp myself like a $2 whore.

Buy now: Pay later!

For the bargain basement price of $8.99, you can buy yourself a copy of BITE ME! It’s a great deal, especially when you realize you won’t be paying until it ships in August!

Also, if you buy 3 or more copies (big strong hint) you’ll be qualified for free shipping. Now that’s a deal!!!

So don’t wait! Order your copy(ies) of BITE ME! today!

Oh, and feel free to spread the word…
——————

Okay, now that I have today’s (self) whoring out of the way, I’d now like to whore myself out for my BFF and Critique Partner, Maria Geraci. Her first book BUNCO BABES TELL ALL comes out May 5, 2009. Today, she’s guest blogging over at The Knight Agency blog (check after 8:30 AM). Her new website is up and running and she’s offering a $25 gift certificate to Victoria’s Secret as a contest prize! Check out her blog over at TKA and check out her beautiful new website. And don’t forget to pre-order BUNCO BABES TELL ALL if you haven’t already.

Mel’s Holy Grail

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First of all, did you miss it yesterday? I got my cover for BITE ME! I am in love with it in a way that is truly unhealthy. Right now, I’ve gotta fever, and the only cure is more cowbell cover!
And if you’re coveting her hair? Just know you’re not alone.

Okay, back to the topic at hand. Mel’s Holy Grail….

Everybody’s searching for something. Love, Friendship, Enlightenment, the Fountain of Youth, A Cabana Boy, Money, Power…

Do you know what Mel is searching for?

A Flamingo Pez dispenser

Flamingos and Pez!

Seriously, how could I have a bad day if I had a Flamingo Pez dispenser? It would be physically impossible to remain angry or in a bad mood if I pulled out my Flamingo Pez dispenser and popped a Pez. (and it’s not that Pez is an exceptionally good candy or anything. It’s just that it’s Pez. And who isn’t happy popping a Pez? Especially out of a Flamingo?)

I can’t find one anywhere. This image? It’s a rubber stamp image. It’s exactly what I want yet I can’t pop a Pez from a rubber stamp!

I am afraid my life will not be complete until I find a Flamingo Pez dispenser. If you happen across one, pick it up! Call me! Email me! Write me! Shout it from the rooftops!

I will not rest until I have one in my hands…It is my Holy Grail.

it is done (sorta)

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LOVE SUCKS! the follow up to this year’s debut novel BITE ME! is now sitting in delightful editor’s inbox.

It’s done. Mostly.

This book really did become that piece of meat that you chew and it just keeps growing. And the more you chew, the bigger it gets, and then it becomes a challenge. You become determined to chew that meat and swallow it, even though you would like nothing more than to spit it out and start over.

I started writing yesterday morning at 5:00 AM and I thought I probably had 35 pages or so to get me through to the climatic scene.

Last night, I sent to editor at 10:39 PM…and I had written 52 pages. I have never in my life written that many pages in a day.

This is what I looked like when I went to bed:
Seriously, it was bad. Not the writing, but the feeling. Holy Cow I was tired. And my brains were leaking out of my ears. That was messy.

I’m better today. Much better.

The book is done. EXCEPT for the final wrap up chapter. But I know what’s going to happen, and that won’t take much to write. The hard part is done. Now the fun begins.

Editing and revising. It needs it, but honestly, I can’t wait to dig in. I really love this story (now that it’s finished) and I’m ready to make it as awesome as I am.

BTW I look much better this morning.

TGIF (THANK GOD IT’S FINISHED!)

maniacal monday

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I’m at Ficitonistas this morning, talking about research papers.

The weekend was busy. I finished my copy edits. It was a whirlwind process since I didn’t receive them until Thursday and editor needed them on her desk by Tuesday. But I did it. I had some difficulty with a few of the edits. Like marking the ‘s’ off of backwards, making it backward. Both uses of the word are correct–but here in the south, backwards is how we say it–so that’s how the character says it. I didn’t STET it because it could just be house style and I felt like there were more important things for me to STET.

My good friend and big time author stud, Ace Atkins, advised me to make color copies of my copy edits and then use them as a reference when I get my first pass pages. So I made copies (just not color. Holy cow! Money is a little tight to be spending that kinda cash on copies, even if it is a write off) The color wasn’t really necessary because the copy edits were in Track Changes in the doc, so my hand-written changes will be easy to find.

So now it’s back to writing LOVE SUCKS! I’m going to power through a rough draft and spend the last half of December and first part of January revising. Wish me luck!