giving equal time to the dads

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I’ve been commanded to give equal time to the DILF. My friend figured if I can use his conversation as a starting point for a blog, then that gives him the right to demand a blog topic. He also says it’s in the friendship guidelines, but he’s wrong. I wrote those guidelines, so I know.

I hated to break it to the poor chap, but there is no such thing as a DILF. Teen girls look at all dads and see…well, dads. And that’s a big EWWWWWW. Girls don’t see the value in the hot older guy until they hit about 25. Then they wake up. And yes, I am fully aware it’s a double standard. 18 year old boys look at hot moms and see boobs. That’s all their hormonal eyes will let them see. Sorry, Dads. It’s not fair. You’ll just have to act out your school girl fantasies with the over 20 crowd.

Sadly, I did give away one of the sacred secrets of all womanhood. I have to beg the women of the internetz for forgiveness for breaking the vagina code. I told him about the DID list.

Dad I‘d Do

And DID is not a list passed around by horny teens. No. This would be the secret list that every horny PTA mom, soccer mom, homeroom mom, and carpool mom has tabulated.

Yes, there is such a thing as a “Dad I’d Do” list. And now I’ve broken the vagina code and spilled the beans.

Women of the internetz, will I be forgiven?

And go ahead and confess it…you have a DID list…

achieving MILF status the SMART way

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Everyone knows one of my goals in life is to be Stifler’s Mom aka a MILF.

Last night, I was asked how I would know when I reached MILF status and I said, “I don’t have a clue, but surely I’ll get there.”

His response: “You need SMART goals for your MILF ambitions.”

WTF? SMART goals?

Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-bound

Okay, that’s just a little too sciencey for me and my goal of becoming a cougar. So I said, “That’s so sciencey. Can’t I just know when I get there?”

“How will you know? When one of your kids’ friends slaps you on the tushy?” (and yes, he said tushy. I thought about changing it to ass but decided to leave it in there because that’s funny as shit.)

LMAO. Yes, that’s exactly how I will know. Or when I read a text message that says, “Dude, your mom is hot.”

Instant MILF.

But his suggestion got me to thinking, is there a way to develop Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-bound goals for becoming a MILF?

C’mon gang! Let’s explore!

  • Specific: Well, that’s easy. I wanna be a MILF. I’m already the equivalent of a naughty librarian which is hot, but not my ultimate goal. So there’s the specific. Or does he mean I need to achieve specific objectives in order to become a MILF? See? too Sciencey. Dammit. Can you guys give me some specific objectives? I’m all out of ideas.
  • Measurable: Um. Is there a certain number of teenage boys that need to be lured by my siren song before it counts? I’m not really sure how to measure this.
  • Achievable: Yes. (LOL that’s funny. I just made myself snort)
  • Realistic: Again, Yes. (see above comment about snorting)
  • Time-bound: ASAP. Okay, well theoretically, I’ve got time. I have 2 sons. So if I can’t achieve MILFiness in 4 years, I have another 4 to try. But my guess is I will achieve much sooner than that. Because really? As stated, I’m already a Naughty Librarian. Surely MILF isn’t that far away.

So what do you think? Is it possible to apply science to such an unscientific goal? Is there such a thing as over-thinking?(yes)

How do you think I’ll know when I’ve achieved MILF. Will I ever know?

Taking bets now–will I EVER make it to MILF?

more hot librarian: this time with video!

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My stalker friend, jimmy the k, read my blog this morning and sent me the most appropriate song lyrics. Of course, I had to track down the song immediately. I found a live video on youtube. Here are the lyrics, video below. 🙂 I’m kinda digging this librarian thing.

“Librarian” by My Morning Jacket
[Songwriters: Olliges Jr, James Edward]

Walk across the courtyard, towards the library.
I can hear the insects buzz and the leaves ‘neath my feet…

Ramble up the stairwell, into the hall of books…
Since we got the interweb these hardly get used.

Duck into the men’s room… combing thru my hair…
When god gave us mirrors he had no idea…

Looking for a lesson in the periodicals…
There I spy you listening to the AM radio…

Karen of the carpenters- singing in the rain…
Another lovely victim of the mirror’s evil way.

It’s not like you’re not trying, with a pencil in your hair
To defy the beauty the good lord put in there…

Simple little bookworm- buried underneath…
Is the sexiest librarian… take off those glasses and let down your hair for me.

So I watch you thru the bookcase- imagining a scene:
You and I at dinner, spending time, then to sleep.

And what then would I say to you- lying there in bed?
These words, with a kiss, I would plant in your head:

“What is it inside our heads that makes us do the opposite?
Makes us do the opposite of what’s right for us?
Cause everything’d be grrreat… and everything’d be good…
If everybody gave… like everybody could.”

Sweetest little bookworm. hidden underneath…
Is the sexiest librarian…
Take off those glasses and let your hair down for me.
Take off those glasses and let your hair down for me.

Simple little beauty- heaven in your breath.
The simplest of pleasures- the world at it’s best.

the bad boy equivalent?

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I love a bad boy. We know that. I’ve blogged about it several times. From the books I read to the shows I watch, I am always drawn to the emotionally walled off, and cocky bad boy. (Hello, LOST fans? Team Sawyer! Jack’s a pussy weenie.)And now that Kevin McKidd is on Grey’s Anatomy–yum. He’s the only reason to keep watching. He’s all of the above PLUS he’s a ginger!

These are the men that make fantasizing more fun.

Today, I’m going to talk about a different fantasy–The Naughty Librarian. Is this the male “bad boy” equivalent? Did Sarah Palin Tina Fey bring out this fantasy for nearly every man in America?

I only ask this because I’ve been told by several people since I’ve darkened my hair, that with my glasses on, I look like the “hot” or “naughty” librarian. Now, I’m not complaining. I totally dig that. Calling me a Naughty Librarian is one step closer to my ultimate goal of being Stifler’s Mom.

So what is the obsession with the naughty librarians? I get the school girl fantasy–sorry, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to pull that one off. Is it the glasses? The shushing? The fact that if you do it in a library you have to be quiet? The authority figure thing? What makes the Naughty Librarian such a turn on?

I’m also talking about Sports Movies over at Fictionistas today. Click the banner and stop by!
Fictionistas

Today’s note from the Universe:

2009, Melissa, will not be just another year.

It’s the absolute richest I’ve ever imagined, with the most possibilities I’ve ever created, for the coolest people I’ve ever known, to do the greatest things that have ever been done.

Don’t feel any pressure.

Let’s do this,
The Universe

I have a very good feeling The Universe has this one right.

conversations

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I love blogging. I always try to do it first thing in the morning, before I’ve had time to really wake up. I blog about whatever pops into my head and I rarely preplan. Preplanning makes it feel more like an essay and less like a conversation.

(though I will admit to preplanning for tomorrow. I have a busy day and wasn’t sure if I’d be able to fit it all in! And I hate missing Monday blogs.)

Blogging really fulfills the social butterfly part of my life. I need communication, attention (surprised?), stimulation, and challenges. And laughter. I need a lot of laughter. And sometimes, I crack myself up and I have to tell someone who will appreciate it.

So I tell the Universe. Cuz surely someone out there gets me.

That’s actually a pretty cool feeling. Knowing that no matter what I say, someone out there will get it. They’ll relate to it, laugh at it, shake their head…whatever. They’ll get it. They’ll get me. And this will keep me from having Schizophrenic Conversations inside my own head. 🙂 (I bet I could work a Staind song into every blog post if I wanted to. LOL)

Some people think of blogging as a marketing tool–they don’t enjoy it. They do it because they want to promote their work. Even if I had nothing to promote, I think I would keep blogging. It keeps my mind mostly clutter free. (Okay, that’s not true, but maybe one day it will be).

where virtual meets reality

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cat

I love the internet. I’ve actually made some of my really good friends online. Between email, blogging twittering, online writing groups and now FACEBOOK I am online constantly. Good thing I can multitask…

Facebook is a funny creature. I’ve found a lot of friends, old and new on FB. I enjoy reading status updates, hi-jacking comment threads, stalking spying quietly a few people that I like to know about but don’t necessarily want to interact with all the time.

Enter yesterday. I get a message from a ‘new’ FB friend asking if I have wireless internet. Now, I’ve never met this FB friend face-to-face before, but he’s best friends with a good friend of mine, so I didn’t think anything about it. Pat is a Psychiatrist and he was in town visiting his wife’s family. Apparently his in-laws are still on dial up and Pat needed to refil some prescriptions for a couple of patients. He went to Starbucks but couldn’t get logged on. So he contacted me.

And then my virtual world became reality. LOL

It was good to meet him. Nice guy. Apparently he reads my blog. LOL That’s two people in a week that I’d never met before who read my blog. That’s kinda cool. We had a good time chatting. He told me a few stories about our mutual friend, packed up his stuff and headed back to Camp In-Laws.

What did we do before cell phones and social networking? Does anyone remember actually holding a real conversation?

Have a good weekend, y’all! Any big plans?

back to the grindstone

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We had a lovely, low key day with the family yesterday. But now Christmas is over and it’s time to get back to business.

I have 1 month to finish LOVE SUCKS! so that’s my main focus. I’ll be going to the gym today, so don’t forget to check out my Fat Chicks blog this afternoon. I have 3.5 months to shed a billion-katrillion pounds and get fit, so I can’t miss any workouts between now and then!

How was your holiday? I hope you all had a day filled with whatever you enjoy most and I really hope Santa was very good to you, even if you were naughty. 🙂

A Christmas Poem for Feisty

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Y’all know Lillian Feisty, right? She’s my friend and she’s quite naughty. Some of the things that come out of her mouth (literally and figuratively) are quite shocking. But I am a good friend who is totally up to the task of Feisty. Last night we were chatting and she had a request. For Christmas, I had to write her a naughty story that included Bourbon, Irish Cream, sheep, astronauts, and Fishdog tied to a chair. I think I accomplished it… Be warned. It is naughty. Though I will admit, it was much naughtier last night when I was drinking. LOL I toned it down some this morning because, well, I’m a chicken when I’m not fueled by liquid gold. 😉 (and no, I did not save the orginal version. On purpose.)

————————-
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
not a creature was stirring
except a sweet ginger mouse.

The stockings were tied to the chimney with care
And Fishdog was tied to a kitchen chair.
The children away with the babysitter
And visions of Feisty hit Fishdog like a flair.

Feisty in her corset
and I in my socks
Had just settled in
to watch Dick in a Box.

When out on the lawn
arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the couch,
to see what was the matter.

Away to the window
I flew in a flash
tore open the shutters
and ripped off my sash

The moon made my breasts
seem fresh as new snow
Their brightness lit the way
For 8 tiny sheep and a sex-toy laden sleigh.

The driver eyed me with appreciation
as he disembarked and demanded a bourbon
He rubbed his goatee, and with a cocky smile said
“You look like you are ready for bed.”

What choice did I have
but to invite him inside
He brought his bag of goodies
and Feisty’s eyes went wide.

“Oh my,” she sighed
as she fixed an Irish Cream
“I’m just missing one thing
To make this a true dream”.

“Your wish is my command,”
Our visitor replied.
And Feisty giggled when she said
“Astronauts make me warm inside.”

With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
I knew I had nothing to dread
The magic bag opened and what should appear
Astronauts dressed in full space gear.

With a squeal of delight, Feisty grabbed their hands
and tied them to chairs with strong leather bands
Our visitor turned to me asking
“What is your command?”

I spoke not a word but he figured me out
when the magical mist covered us in a shroud
When the fog lifted, my heart sighed
As we lay on the beach watching the sunrise

It didn’t take long for the dream to end
When I woke the next morning Feisty was spent
Of last night’s debauchery
there was not a hint

As I laid in my bed I heard a low rumble
It was a sexy laugh that made my heart fumble
the voice was so quiet I almost missed it
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good tumble.
—————

Hope you all got a good tumble for Christmas. Much love and happy holidays to everyone.

survey says?

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I’m a stud.

But we all knew that, didn’t we?

It was a resounding landslide in the hoop or stud nose-ring question. I still kinda dig the hoop but even if it was a landslide the other way, I wouldn’t be keeping it in. It feels like a feather tickling my nose. I’ll still pull the hoop out and wear it every once in a while, but the stud is going back in.

It is Christmas Eve! I hope everyone has a great day. It’s raining here, so my plan is to go to the gym then hunker in for some writing and wrapping. (not to be confused with rapping. Nobody wants to see that, I promise)

Happy Holidays to all my blog readers, friends, family, and secret pretend boyfriends. (Could somebody tell Matt Damon I’m going to have to call the police if he shows up at my door in Santa underwear and hat again?)