Let’s face it. Even when I’m naughty, I don’t get coal in my stocking… Santa loves me–especially when I’m naughty.

Last night, my friend Eric told me he just discovered that Melissa means Honey Bee. Yup. It does. And that’s awesome. And it also explains why I have a honey bee tattooed to one of my daisies… I take permanent ink seriously. I didn’t want to do something cheesy like a heart or a yen yang or whatever because I didn’t want to tattoo a fad to my body. I wanted my ink to be personal and meaningful which is why it took me til I was 40 to decide what I wanted.

There you go. there’s my honey bee. 🙂

It’s been almost 4 years since I did this tattoo…and I still love it. I can’t wait to add to it…I have a plan. And I’m thinking during Month of Mel 2013…I will implement said plan…

that naughty librarian fantasy you’ve always had?

Just got one step closer to becoming reality…

Okay, not exactly. But close enough…

One thing I rarely (if EVER) talk about on my blog is my daytime job. This is my personal space and I talk about fun stuff, and writing, and friends & family, etc. And I’ve always kept my job talk at a minimum. For one…it’s not very professional to spout off about my job (good, bad, or ugly). And number two, I’ve actually only been working part time for a couple of years.

I’ve spent the majority of the last year and a half looking for a full time job. (Me and everyone else, apparently) I’ve gotten very close a time or two, but I’m trying very hard to get out of accounting work (which doesn’t make me happy but I have tons of experience in) and get back into communications type work (which I have limited experience but makes me happy…)

Starting in May, I will be working as a Research Assistant to the Dean of the Ottenheimer Library at UALR. I will be doing lots of writing and communications work as well as other stuff. I interviewed with the Dean and immediately adored her. I knew we’d had a great connection but…I was so worried that I was gonna get another “We really liked you and it was a hard decision but we selected another candidate because she had X number of years more job experience.” Seriously, I might have had a break down had that been the reason for yesterday’s call.

Luckily, it was a job offer instead.

THIS is a dream job for me. It’s in a building with books. I’ll get to write. I’ll be at a university and can continue my education. There will be hot college boys around. What?

April 2011 has been a fantastic month.

Hey Oxford! I’ll be there this weekend and I expect to celebrate!!!

long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses

Crash Davis: Well, I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.


Yes. Please.

Is there a woman on earth who doesn’t just wet herself when Crash delivers this speech? This is sex-on-a-stick. Also, that scene where Costner has Sarandan tied to the bed while he paints her toenails? *fanning self* HAWT.

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Got lots of stuff going on! There may even be pictures eventually.

Or not.

Christmas is just 10 days away. Are you being naughty or nice? I promise, I’m working on the nice part…

a confession from Wine Wednesday

Okay, this is nothing like Texts from Last night…I mean, I suppose it COULD BE something like that, sometimes. But since this is about me and there is no way to make this anonymous…my confessions from Wine Wednesday will just be funny little innocent stories that happened last night.

The rest of it will stay in the Wine Wednesday vault.

First off, I have discovered I love every Sauvignon Blanc (that I have tried so far) that comes from Marlborough Wineries. Now, I haven’t tried them all yet, but here’s a short list of the yum that I have tried.

Villa Maria
and my current favorite: Kim Cattrall Crawford

These wines just make me wanna yell More Cowbell WINE!

So the last few Wine Wednesdays have been funny because every time we yelled More Cowbell WINE! our glass was magically filled! It had nothing to do with our awesome server, Trey. I’m sure of it. It was just MAGIC!
Actually, I think it was leprechaun magic because for some reason, we were suddenly inspired to write limericks and haikus (hey, our magical leprechauns could LOVE haikus. So shut it.) On cocktail napkins.

Naturally, the more we yelled More Cowbell! Wine! the naughtier the limericks got. We will NOT be showing you any of those. And just in case you get the wrong idea about me, I did NOT write any of the naughty limericks. Nope. Not one. I promise. (No my fingers aren’t crossed?! I’m was just trying to snap them behind my back and they got tangled up!)

My FAVORITE non-naughty limerick that I wrote was simply a masterpiece…because I managed to rhyme my favorite red-headed waiter named Thomas with the llamas.

Oh yeah. That’s awesome right there.

And I swear, it wasn’t dirty. It’s more like Dr. Seuss.

There once was a boy named Thomas
Who always kept his promise
So when his car broke down
On the way out of town
He had to hitch a ride on some llamas!

Now, I will admit that maybe, just maybe there is another version where I might’ve actually rhymed Thomas with Lorenzo Lamas. And it possibly is naughty. But there’s nothing out there to prove that…

another dirty little secret

I’ve confessed a few dirty little secrets before:

But I have another secret I must share. But before I do, I need you to promise you won’t judge me. I couldn’t stand it if you judged me…

Okay, here goes…

I used to have a cartoon crush on the Heat Miser…but now, I have a real live version of him to love!

Kevin Miser Gillespie from Top Chef!

Tell me you don’t think they could be the same person? Go on, I dare ya.

Now if you’re familiar with the classic holiday film A YEAR WITHOUT A SANTA CLAUS, you might be wondering why I didn’t have a crush on the wittier brother, Snow Miser. The answer is simple, really…Snow Miser had snotcicles. Seriously, who could crush on a guy with snotcicles?
So in my youth, I had a crush on a poorly animated dude named Heat Miser and as an adult, I’m totally crushing on Kevin G from Top Chef. Sure he can cook…but really, the reason I’m a little bit in love with him is because I know, his secret identity. (he can melt things with a touch…he’s too much!)

WTF? seriously, why didn’t they send Robin home? She’s a hack. And annoying. I was so shocked. I yelled at the tv like it was a Razorback football game and we were having to play both the opposing team and the refs….



As of 8:05 AM, I am 40 years old. (Technically I started celebrating the DAY OF MEL! at midnight. Gotta eek out as much of the BEST DAY EVER as possible) Plus that’s when I started getting text messages and phone calls. I have seriously surrounded myself with some of the best people in the world. I love you guys.

And I really love that y’all have embraced, the DAY OF MEL!, on this 14th day of the MONTH OF MEL!, which is tucked snugly inside the YEAR OF MEL! with verve and gusto! (don’t you just love the word verve? We should use it more often.)

As a matter of fact, we SHALL use it more often. I command that today every one is to use the word VERVE at least 3 times.

Report back and let me know how that went…

Love y’all! And Maria Geraci, you naughty little minx. I’m so glad I got to pop your blog-stealing cherry. I’m such a bad influence. And I like it like that.

Enjoy your DAY OF MEL! I plan to. I’ve finally let Matt back into my bed again…so we’re going to be a little busy today… And under the cut…check out what Matt Damon’s bday present to me REALLY is…

I see you…

I had lots of traffic yesterday. You guys must really like reading about dry humping. Of course, who am I kidding? Everyone likes to read about dry humping! And making out in broad daylight!

I would also like to welcome the 9 new readers who googled ‘Melissa Francis nude, naked, and hot.’ I hope you found what you were looking for. Oh wait, you didn’t, but I hope you liked what you found anyway.

And to the person who googled MILF, found my site, then searched my site with terms like ‘jumping MILF’s bones’ and ‘MILF wanted’ and ‘how to seduce a MILF’ let first say, welcome. Then let me tell you, if you’re unsure how to seduce a MILF, I’ll be holding a workshop soon, so stay tuned. Okay, that’s totally a lie. If you don’t know how to seduce a MILF then I can’t help ya buddy.

Yesterday was an “airquote” snow day here in Little Rock. I “airquote” because there was no snow. There was barely any ice. It had all melted by 8:00 and the kids could easily have gone to school. But Little Rock Schools wanted to be preemptive, so they canceled school because the weather dudes were predicted Global Freezing by 1:00 and that we’d be covered in ice ad snow this morning.

Um. Not. So. Much.

It was cold yesterday so I spent the day wrapped up in my Scooby-Doo comfortor and a skull cap. A friend of mine is in LA this week, so I took a pic of myself in my hat and sent it with the message ‘Enjoy the warm weather. I’m freezing.’ (I couldn’t get the Red-Eye correction tool to work, so please ignore my inner demon)

Do you know what I got in return?
‘Don’t worry, I will.’

Nice. Thanks for crushing what was left of my spirit there pal. Good thing I’m so awesome that I can overcome even the meanest of mean.

Hope y’all had a good Tuesday. Back to writing today. I struggled at first, but wound up with a good number of pages again yesterday. This book might get done afterall!

can’t get enough of your love babe

Yesterday’s writing was much more successful. It was almost the sonic boom of writing. I felt the earth move, that’s for sure. Today is going to be a challenge. Schools are closed, so I have to deal with a houseful of people. The earth may be moving today, but in a ‘opening up and swallowing the kids’ kinda way.

Speaking of the earth moving…

I took the boys to meet their grandmother at the movie on Sunday. We got there a little early, so I parked and we just waited in the car. I had my crackberry, so I was happy as a clam texting my friend and trying to take incriminating pics of the boys so I can embarrass them on Facebook. I love being a mom.

After a few minutes, Ian says, “Mom, they’re totally making out over there.” I figured he was just trying to divert me from my picture taking quest, but then one look at his pink ears and open mouth and I realized he was telling the truth.

So I glance at the car next to me and HOLY VOYEUR BATMAN! were they making out! They had laid the passenger seat all the way down and the girl was laid all the way out on the dude. (Thought it was two girls at first. Dude had some long hair, but no. Boy and girl.)

They weren’t out of high school, but were probably both 16. The total abandon they had while dry humping amazed me. I’ll admit, I watched for a while, completely forgetting my kids were in the car. (There goes Mother of the Year again. Dammit!) But I was fascinated (and yeah, I like to watch I was watching for research! Sue me.) It was broad damn daylight. They weren’t even parked in the back of the lot…it was the middle row, maybe the 4th slot. There were cars all around us. If they had wanted privacy, they would’ve gone somewhere else. Or waited til dark.

Listen, I’ll admit to some parking love during the early years. It’s fun. And naughty. But even I wasn’t brave enough to just park in the middle of a busy day time parking lot and work my way to 2nd base.

Ian tried to pretend not to watch, that was kinda funny. Once they laid the seat down, he couldn’t see anything from where he was sitting, but I had a bird’s eye view. So when the girl slipped her shirt off, I got a really good look at her pretty purple lace bra. (It was a dark purple, almost eggplant) And I got another really good look as the boy’s nervous hand moved from her shoulder, to under her strap, to down…

And then I started the car and drove away. Because you know, there’s only so much watching a girl can do (in the name of research of course) with her kids in the car. And even though I know the kids couldn’t see anything, I couldn’t in good conscience stay there any longer (unfortunately). So I dropped them off with my mom and drove back to my spot to finish watching home. I will admit to being curious. Did he get her bra off? In the middle of a busy parking lot? In broad daylight?

What say you?

In honor of our young horny couple, I offer you Barry White, dressed in awesome.

giving equal time to the dads

I’ve been commanded to give equal time to the DILF. My friend figured if I can use his conversation as a starting point for a blog, then that gives him the right to demand a blog topic. He also says it’s in the friendship guidelines, but he’s wrong. I wrote those guidelines, so I know.

I hated to break it to the poor chap, but there is no such thing as a DILF. Teen girls look at all dads and see…well, dads. And that’s a big EWWWWWW. Girls don’t see the value in the hot older guy until they hit about 25. Then they wake up. And yes, I am fully aware it’s a double standard. 18 year old boys look at hot moms and see boobs. That’s all their hormonal eyes will let them see. Sorry, Dads. It’s not fair. You’ll just have to act out your school girl fantasies with the over 20 crowd.

Sadly, I did give away one of the sacred secrets of all womanhood. I have to beg the women of the internetz for forgiveness for breaking the vagina code. I told him about the DID list.

Dad I‘d Do

And DID is not a list passed around by horny teens. No. This would be the secret list that every horny PTA mom, soccer mom, homeroom mom, and carpool mom has tabulated.

Yes, there is such a thing as a “Dad I’d Do” list. And now I’ve broken the vagina code and spilled the beans.

Women of the internetz, will I be forgiven?

And go ahead and confess it…you have a DID list…