Start Me Up! er STAT me up!

We haven’t done a stats blog in a while. I always find what people “google” to find my website very, very interesting. (by the way, when I do these blogs I always think “Stat Me Up” but then start singing “Start Me Up” by the Stones… Go figure…)

I’m getting a lot of searches for CNBC Anchor Melissa Francis again. She must be stirring the controversy pot or wearing lots of cleavage shirts on the boob tube (hee hee!) You know, to show off her healthy lungs. I’ve blogged about her before…and even did an interview with her… CNBC Melissa Francis (sorry some of the picture links and direct links to archived blogs are still broken.)

She’s very funny to chat with. I nearly had a stroke the day she emailed me a couple of years ago suggesting I post a few naked pics of her (well, her
head on Meghan Fox’s body) so she could mooch off the attention.

Best. Email. Ever. I’m gonna have to let her know people seem to be very interested in seeing her naked again. And they really like her legs, too. And cleavage. I get it, Internetz! CNBC Melissa Francis is hot! Fine. Hmph. This is my blog and I’m hot, too. Uh. nevermind.

I’ve had a significant increase of people actually looking for Melissa Francis the Writer. <— hey! that’s me! I’ve had a lot of MILF searches, as well. <—- Hey that’s me! Some Lucas Black/Sling Blade searches, and one:

Marry Me, Melissa.

Wow. Where’s my ring? I won’t even consider this a real proposal without a ring. Got it? Also, I need a few details before I commit to a lifetime with you. First off, what’s your name? Are you gainfully employeed? Will I be allowed to continue to date El Jefe?

My favorite two recent search terms?

Secret deoderant how to open

small, blonde country singer singing about bitchin’ about her man. <–I did NOT make that up. Someone from Dillsburg, Pennsylvania searched for that. Sorry to say, I’m pretty sure you didn’t find what you were looking for.

In other news, I’ve been experiencing an increased amount of anxiety lately and I don’t like it. Nope, not one bit. I know there are things that I can’t control and I used to let that stuff roll off my back like water, but lately I’ve been letting it seep in and make my blood boil. Not healthy. So I think I’m going to start running again. Okay, “running” again. Because when I exercise regularly, my blood is too tired to boil…
In other Other news… the Old 97’s have a new album out this week… Must. Have. ❤ ❤ ❤
In other Other OTHER news… we had Wine Wednesday last night for my friend Cathie’s bday but I just drank water (see anxiety. Booze = bad news for high BP…even though I like to pretend it really relaxes me…) So it was Wineless Wednesday. I have it on good authority (the voices in my head) that Kim Cattrall Crawford missed me terribly. BUT…I also have it on better authority that she’s still on sale for $13.99 at Colonial Wine and Spirits…usually she’s $18.99 a bottle…I may have to stock up. For medicinal purposes. Er, I mean for when I’m no longer allowing stupid shit to bother me…

In other Other OTHER OTHER… yeah, I got nuffin. I’m done here. Have a very happy Thursday!

blerg

Yeah. It’s a stormy Thursday and all I wanna do is stay in bed.

Thankfully yesterday was gorgeous and I got to hang by the pool for a couple of hours with my friends. I enjoyed it tremendously.

Okay and let me just tell you, I don’t know when my hair went from a small showing of roots to OH MY DAMN I HAVE ROOTS THAT NEEDED TO BE COLORED 3 WEEKS AGO! Calling Katie-of-the-Hair today.

Did I mention how excited I am about going to see Harry Potter this summer?

I’m also Ogrely excited about the new Shrek movie coming out this weekend.

Clementine the new kitty is no longer pregnant and there are no kittens to be found. I’m sure she was so malnourished when she found us, the babies died. Sad really…but it’s time to get her fixed. Which might put an end to her good mood, but I really don’t care.

Also, I wanna know who on earth is googling Monkey MILF and what exactly you think that is? Do monkey’s have MILFs in their society? Would it be a MMILF? Monkey Mom I’d Like to ….

Alrighty then. That’s about all I got for ya today. Sorry to be so boring, but sometimes a girl just doesn’t have anything to say. No really. It’s true.

a Mel by any other name would smell as sweet…

So let’s talk about nicknames. I’m a big fan. I give my friends nicknames all the time and once I say it and it fits, it sticks. And apparently, the same happens to me because I have lots of nicknames. Some of them make sense, some…not so much.

My daddy has always called me Lissa Jane. Now, I love this name, but Jane is not my middle name. (I totally wish it were though) Not sure why daddy started calling me Lissa Jane but it stuck. And at 41 when he’s still using it. (when he’s not calling me ‘gal’)

In 6th grade I became known as French Fry because that’s all I would eat for lunch. Thankfully not long after that, my coach started calling me Mel Mac which turned to Mel or Mac. I’m still called by all those names. (it was a little rough during the Alf years…you know he came from the planet Melmac, right?)

And now…thanks to a friend’s hubby, I can add a brand new nickname to my list: Melf

Yes, he calls me Melf. And that’s just funny stuff right there. Because it can mean 2 different things

Mel Francis: MelF
Hot Mom = Milf / Hot Mel = Melf

It’s no secret that I aspire to be the hot mom. I’m not there yet, but I’m soooooo working on it. When Lee’s hubby started calling me Melf, I figured that I must be getting close.

Do you guys have any nicknames that are a little odd or no longer fit? Do you want me to give you a new nickname? cuz I will…

star trek the MILF generation

I’m thinking I’d look awesome in this for Halloween. Or on days that end with a ‘y.’ Whatever. And if I meet my weightloss goal this year, I’m gonna buy this baby. I promise I’ll wear it until it falls apart. Y’all will be so sick of seeing me in it, you’ll be asking me to put on a real shirt.

What do you think? Is it (the future) me?

I see you…

I had lots of traffic yesterday. You guys must really like reading about dry humping. Of course, who am I kidding? Everyone likes to read about dry humping! And making out in broad daylight!

I would also like to welcome the 9 new readers who googled ‘Melissa Francis nude, naked, and hot.’ I hope you found what you were looking for. Oh wait, you didn’t, but I hope you liked what you found anyway.

And to the person who googled MILF, found my site, then searched my site with terms like ‘jumping MILF’s bones’ and ‘MILF wanted’ and ‘how to seduce a MILF’ let first say, welcome. Then let me tell you, if you’re unsure how to seduce a MILF, I’ll be holding a workshop soon, so stay tuned. Okay, that’s totally a lie. If you don’t know how to seduce a MILF then I can’t help ya buddy.

Yesterday was an “airquote” snow day here in Little Rock. I “airquote” because there was no snow. There was barely any ice. It had all melted by 8:00 and the kids could easily have gone to school. But Little Rock Schools wanted to be preemptive, so they canceled school because the weather dudes were predicted Global Freezing by 1:00 and that we’d be covered in ice ad snow this morning.

Um. Not. So. Much.

It was cold yesterday so I spent the day wrapped up in my Scooby-Doo comfortor and a skull cap. A friend of mine is in LA this week, so I took a pic of myself in my hat and sent it with the message ‘Enjoy the warm weather. I’m freezing.’ (I couldn’t get the Red-Eye correction tool to work, so please ignore my inner demon)

Do you know what I got in return?
‘Don’t worry, I will.’

Nice. Thanks for crushing what was left of my spirit there pal. Good thing I’m so awesome that I can overcome even the meanest of mean.

Hope y’all had a good Tuesday. Back to writing today. I struggled at first, but wound up with a good number of pages again yesterday. This book might get done afterall!

achieving MILF status the SMART way

Everyone knows one of my goals in life is to be Stifler’s Mom aka a MILF.

Last night, I was asked how I would know when I reached MILF status and I said, “I don’t have a clue, but surely I’ll get there.”

His response: “You need SMART goals for your MILF ambitions.”

WTF? SMART goals?

Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-bound

Okay, that’s just a little too sciencey for me and my goal of becoming a cougar. So I said, “That’s so sciencey. Can’t I just know when I get there?”

“How will you know? When one of your kids’ friends slaps you on the tushy?” (and yes, he said tushy. I thought about changing it to ass but decided to leave it in there because that’s funny as shit.)

LMAO. Yes, that’s exactly how I will know. Or when I read a text message that says, “Dude, your mom is hot.”

Instant MILF.

But his suggestion got me to thinking, is there a way to develop Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-bound goals for becoming a MILF?

C’mon gang! Let’s explore!

  • Specific: Well, that’s easy. I wanna be a MILF. I’m already the equivalent of a naughty librarian which is hot, but not my ultimate goal. So there’s the specific. Or does he mean I need to achieve specific objectives in order to become a MILF? See? too Sciencey. Dammit. Can you guys give me some specific objectives? I’m all out of ideas.
  • Measurable: Um. Is there a certain number of teenage boys that need to be lured by my siren song before it counts? I’m not really sure how to measure this.
  • Achievable: Yes. (LOL that’s funny. I just made myself snort)
  • Realistic: Again, Yes. (see above comment about snorting)
  • Time-bound: ASAP. Okay, well theoretically, I’ve got time. I have 2 sons. So if I can’t achieve MILFiness in 4 years, I have another 4 to try. But my guess is I will achieve much sooner than that. Because really? As stated, I’m already a Naughty Librarian. Surely MILF isn’t that far away.

So what do you think? Is it possible to apply science to such an unscientific goal? Is there such a thing as over-thinking?(yes)

How do you think I’ll know when I’ve achieved MILF. Will I ever know?

Taking bets now–will I EVER make it to MILF?