Has anyone seen my Alice? She’s been missing for a while and my house is in desperate need of cleaning.
That damn Sam. He’s such a PITA. He’s always whisking her away to some naughty place for nekkid time and my house NEVER gets cleaned anymore. Ridiculous. Why is it so hard to find good help these days????
If you haven’t heard from me in a while, you might want to check to make sure I haven’t fallen victim to the army of furballs. They are mean little bastards.
I know to be skeptical when the weatherdudes spend 24 hours warning us that we are going to get 5-10 inches of snow. This happens at least once a year–they get all a-twitter about the impending snow storm they create more buzz than a swarm of bees.
Grocery stores run out of bread and milk.
Liquor stores run out of booze.
And kids stay up late because they won’t have school so what does it matter?
It sleeted for 4 hours last night, but the ground was still warm, so nothing really stuck.
“Never fear!” said the weatherdudes. “The great snow dump is coming.”
Um. And when would that be? Because it sure didn’t happen last night.
Not. One. Inch.
It finally started snowing about 15 minutes ago but the weatherdudes have changed their accumulation predictions to 1-4 inches. I have determined that in the future, they need to refrain from getting everyone’s hopes up like they did. If they always predict 1-4 inches and we actually get a foot, then nobody will care. But let me tell you, they do care if you predict a foot and we only get an inch.
Not cool.
In other news, I broke down and got myself a crackBlackberry Curve. A couple of years ago, I
had purchased a Blackjack (totally fell for their marketing) and though I liked it, I also had some issues with it. Especially after I switched from a PC to a Mac. I couldn’t even use bluetooth from my blackjack to my Mac. How dumb is that?
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE my crackBlackberry. I was going to hold out for an iPhone, but I’ve heard that they are very easy to break and since I drop my phone multiple times a week, I decided I’d better go with something sturdier. Besides, I’m just not ready to drop $500 on a phone.
I’ll keep y’all updated on the Great Snow of 2008! and hopefully, I’ll even have pictures. You know–of actual snow.
Dear Mother Nature,
Just two days ago, I was wearing shorts. It was nearing 80 degrees. The daffodils had poked through the ground and the forsythias had bloomed.
So, imagine my surprise when I woke up to an inch of snow. And it’s still coming!
Not that I don’t like snow…I do. But seriously, if you’re gonna bring it, bring it like there’s no tomorrow. I mean, 45 mins away, they got 10 inches overnight. You’re just teasing us with the snow you’re allowing to fall in Little Rock. The schools haven’t even closed
yet, and they usually close when the weatherman mentions the word snow.
Anyway, I appreciate your snow thoughts, but I’d rather see some real effort. And you better get with it PDQ because I’m leaving in 25 minutes to take the kids to school. I better not get home only to have to turn right back around because you finally decided to bring it the right way.
Snowingly yours,
-Mel
Yesterday, I got all my paperwork together and made the trek to the DMV. My plan was to finally get my Arkansas car tags (which had woefully expired back in November. Shhhhh.) and my Arkansas drivers license. Well, I got my new plates, but the DL will have to wait another day. Even though I had done my research, apparently they haven’t updated their information on the internet. You can no longer use your SS card as a 2nd form of ID. Passport or Birth Cert only. Thanks, Homeland Security!
Anyway, I drive up to the DMV and see a police car and I think please don’t let him see my woefully expired tags. I park and start to get out of my van when I realize something isn’t quite right. Um, there is a car where the DMV walls used to be. I think, hmmmm, this is sure an extreme way to show kids that drinkin’ and drivin’ is uncool.
But that isn’t what they were doing.
No.
Some poor little old lady missed the brakes and punched the gas, launching her Dodge 300C over a 6 inch embankment, into the DMV. Nobody was hurt, but apparently a lady did an awesome Jason Bourne move over the counter to avoid getting hit.
But wait! There’s more!
So, it’s still business as usual inside the DMV. Of course, cell phones are snapping pictures a plenty. I took 3 pics, but can’t get them to download, so you’ll have to live with the picture from the paper for now.
I walk in, get my number, sit and wait. And that’s when I hear the following conversation:
Lady: I still need to get my drivers license renewed. Do you think I can still do that?
Me: uncontrollable laughter. (Oh, honey. You do know you just drove your car into the DMV. Right?)
Cop: Ma’am I think you have a little more on your plate to worry about right now. Let’s just get through this, okay?
Lady: But my license expires Friday.
Me: more giggles (this shit writes itself!)
Cop: Yes, ma’am.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I wanted to just wrap that woman up in a big ol’ hug. She was obviously in shock. But c’mon. You know that’s the funniest thing ever. That conversation was an Awesome Casserole. If I had written that in a book, nobody would believe it.
So, after Anne Rice so vehemently proclaimed she was finished with the Lestat novels because she was born again, she has now recanted. One more Lestat novel is forthcoming.
Now look, I don’t care about the Lestat novels one bit. I liked two of them. The rest did nothing for me. I did always have a problem with renouncing her fiction for her faith because they are two separate things. It baffles my mind when people can’t separate life from fiction.
When you make sweeping statements like
“I would never go back, not even if they say you will be financially ruined. I would be a fool for all eternity to turn my back on God like that.”
then you always wind up looking foolish. C’mon. It’s okay to have faith and write vampire books. Or zombie books. Or books about witches. Or whatever. Faith and fiction are two different things, unless you want to intertwine your faith in your fiction. But let me just say, IMO when you do that, you risk coming off as preachy and judgmental and frankly, turn readers away.
Anne is justifying her return to the Lestat story by saying:
the book will have a definite Christian framework and a focus on the theme of redemption
hmmm. sounds a little preachy to me.
My favorite line in the article:
“I don’t see it as a violation of my promise, because I won’t be writing about vampires in the same way,” Rice maintains.
C’mon, Anne. Just admit that you can write fiction and have faith. I would have much more respect for your return to the Lestat lifestyle if you’d just admit you realized you made a mistake by renouncing your fiction in 2002. I am so disappointed that you are justifying it by offering some sort of redemption theme. Just write the book as it was meant to be written–don’t use it to recruit.
KTHXBYE
It spit a little sleet for about a minute and a half and the whole town has shut down. Good Lord. I do not understand. It’s not supposed to get any worse, and when you let the schools out, all the parents rush to pick the kids up and create gridlock.
It’s just a little bit of sleet. It’s not even sticking. The city workers can de-ice the bridges and overpasses if we’re not all on the damn freeway.
I bet money the s
tores have been wiped clean of their milk and bread. Because, as you all know, we can’t have sleet or snow without an ample supply of milk and bread.
Especially since it’s only supposed to be 54 degrees tomorrow. We may be stuck inside Forever. *rolling eyes*
Seriously, it’s a little frightening what words will bring the search engines to my blog:
I’ve been up and at it since 6:15 this morning. I’m doing a 2nd round of revisions, changing up a storyline and adding a couple of scenes. Bite Me! is gonna rock your socks when it’s done.
R: Mom? How does the back of my tongue look? (sticks tongue out)
Me: Um. Like a tongue? (there really is no correct answer here, just so you know)
R: Weird. Cuz earlier today, it looked like Leatherface.
WTF?
Okay, there’s a new word out, according to the Urban Dictionary.
Vajority:
The majority of women.
As in:
The vajority will vote for Hillary in 2008.
So, thanks to Feisty’s fabulous suggestion, I’m taking vajority to the HNL ( ‘hole nubba lebel).
From now on, we’re no longer going to have Girl’s Night Out. Oh no. It’s Vajority Night.
C’mon ladies! Sing with me.
It’s Vajority Night, and I’m feeling right
Oh yes it’s Vajority Night, oh what a night. (oh what a night)
It’s that time again. It’s time for me to tell another deep, dark secret.
I’ve shocked y’all before, when I announced my love for Steve from Blue’s Clues…and then, again when I discussed my lust for the young Lucas Black. Not to mention when I outted my secret desire for Marshal Mathers. (Yes, Eminem. I love me some bad boys.) Or that I still liked Air Supply. And I’m sure many of you were surprised to discover my youngest son’s dirty little secret, as well.
But, this secret may out do all of them.
Are you ready to be ashamed of me?
I wanna be Stifler’s Mom.
That’s right. I wanna be a MILF.
It’s true. And it’s unfortunate because it’s ain’t ever gonna happen. I might have a chance to be the cool mom…but I will never be The HOT Mom.
I’m envious of my friend Feisty who is THE hot mom. Actually, she’s THE HAWT mom. I guess I could be her protege and be a MILF in training. I’d have to drop about 4,000 lbs and get the girls lifted, but it could happen.
It’s not that I am into boys that young…I’m not. But I remember growing up, and my friend’s mom was THE hot mom. And all the boys talked about her awesome Farrah Fawcett hair and the sweet convertible and her tight jeans and I thought, “One day, I’m going to be that mom.”
Oh well. I guess not. I will just have to settle with being the mom the boys call when they get into trouble. I’m really okay with that. It’s not a consolation prize by any stretch. But maybe one day, why my boys are in college, one of their friends will confess to me that I was their “Stifler’s Mom.”
Bitchin' Fiction: Musings by author Melissa McKenzie / Melissa Francis 