Hello Humpday. What you got for me today?

  • Popsicles taste better in a hammock.

  • Today we register Rader for 8th grade and that’s just weird to think that I have an 8th grader…who’s almost 6ft tall. WTF?
  • In other news, the double hammocks do indeed work for two people who are not pint-sized.
  • I have finished both my recaps for the Bachelorette Finale and After the Final Rose but Hey Don’t Judge Me is offline right now for server upgrades. Hopefully we’ll be back up and you can read all the goodness that is crappy TV.
  • I woke this morning to this:
  • Today is Wine Wednesday but I’m not sure it’s gonna happen as per usual. We shall see.

Oh and for the recent visitors to my blog who are looking for Melissa Francis from CNBC …Let me answer what I can for you: Yes she has great legs. Yes she’s married (to Wray Thorn, I believe)–at least she was this time last year when she had a baby. I have no idea how her tits look, but from the number of searches looking for them, they must be fabulous. You can find her on twitter @MelissaCNBC and if you work your google-fu properly, you can find an awesome Frosted Flakes commercial she did when she was a kid. And in that commercial, her eyebrows are amazing. Wait, here’s a fun interview I did with her in 2009 and I posted the commercial at the end…it’s pretty fantastic.

your house ate my hair dryer. Also we discuss camel toes.

First off, I think the Watson’s house ate my hair dryer. They can’t find it anywhere, yet it’s not in my bag or car… So the only logical answer is their house ate it.

Secondly, someone in Australia googled “bitchin camel toe” and my website was #93 in the search results. That is very disappointing. I would have thought we’d have ranked much higher in the bitchin camel toe department. So now I have a goal to be ranked in the top 10. I know that’s a big jump, but I’m sure where there’s a will, a camel, and a toe, we can make it happen. I know I can count on y’all for help, right? These pics should help…

The other thing I’m getting lots of searches for is “Pin Up Nurse with Red Hair” and “Nurse Shoes Pin Up” Hmmmm. Someone’s got a little fetish going on…not that I blame you.
My two favorite searches recently have been “Superior boobs” (thank you!) and “Ames Bachelorette Retarted look” (Bless his heart.)
Okay, let’s go back to the bitchin camel toe for a second. SURELY THOSE AREN’T REAL TATTOOS?! I mean, how drunk and stupid do you have to be to tattoo a camel to your toe? I’m all about the tattoo…but c’mon! How would you explain that one to the grandkids? “MawMaw just really had a thing for camel toes…”
Uh. No. Thank. You.
I’m going to be working on my Bachelorette recap today…hoping to have it posted shortly after lunch, but it might be later. It was a good one (despite the Presidential Interruptus! He totally hijacked the show just as one of the final 3 Douchetestants was breaking up with Ashley! It was a Presidential Cock Block!) I suppose if you’re ever gonna get cock blocked, it really doesn’t get much better than directly from the White House.

Start Me Up! er STAT me up!

We haven’t done a stats blog in a while. I always find what people “google” to find my website very, very interesting. (by the way, when I do these blogs I always think “Stat Me Up” but then start singing “Start Me Up” by the Stones… Go figure…)

I’m getting a lot of searches for CNBC Anchor Melissa Francis again. She must be stirring the controversy pot or wearing lots of cleavage shirts on the boob tube (hee hee!) You know, to show off her healthy lungs. I’ve blogged about her before…and even did an interview with her… CNBC Melissa Francis (sorry some of the picture links and direct links to archived blogs are still broken.)

She’s very funny to chat with. I nearly had a stroke the day she emailed me a couple of years ago suggesting I post a few naked pics of her (well, her
head on Meghan Fox’s body) so she could mooch off the attention.

Best. Email. Ever. I’m gonna have to let her know people seem to be very interested in seeing her naked again. And they really like her legs, too. And cleavage. I get it, Internetz! CNBC Melissa Francis is hot! Fine. Hmph. This is my blog and I’m hot, too. Uh. nevermind.

I’ve had a significant increase of people actually looking for Melissa Francis the Writer. <— hey! that’s me! I’ve had a lot of MILF searches, as well. <—- Hey that’s me! Some Lucas Black/Sling Blade searches, and one:

Marry Me, Melissa.

Wow. Where’s my ring? I won’t even consider this a real proposal without a ring. Got it? Also, I need a few details before I commit to a lifetime with you. First off, what’s your name? Are you gainfully employeed? Will I be allowed to continue to date El Jefe?

My favorite two recent search terms?

Secret deoderant how to open

small, blonde country singer singing about bitchin’ about her man. <–I did NOT make that up. Someone from Dillsburg, Pennsylvania searched for that. Sorry to say, I’m pretty sure you didn’t find what you were looking for.

In other news, I’ve been experiencing an increased amount of anxiety lately and I don’t like it. Nope, not one bit. I know there are things that I can’t control and I used to let that stuff roll off my back like water, but lately I’ve been letting it seep in and make my blood boil. Not healthy. So I think I’m going to start running again. Okay, “running” again. Because when I exercise regularly, my blood is too tired to boil…
In other Other news… the Old 97’s have a new album out this week… Must. Have. ❤ ❤ ❤
In other Other OTHER news… we had Wine Wednesday last night for my friend Cathie’s bday but I just drank water (see anxiety. Booze = bad news for high BP…even though I like to pretend it really relaxes me…) So it was Wineless Wednesday. I have it on good authority (the voices in my head) that Kim Cattrall Crawford missed me terribly. BUT…I also have it on better authority that she’s still on sale for $13.99 at Colonial Wine and Spirits…usually she’s $18.99 a bottle…I may have to stock up. For medicinal purposes. Er, I mean for when I’m no longer allowing stupid shit to bother me…

In other Other OTHER OTHER… yeah, I got nuffin. I’m done here. Have a very happy Thursday!

the internetwebz has a foot fetish

So I check my statcounter daily to see what brings readers to my blog. (Other than my dedicated regular readers, who I love and adore with all my heart. Except for you. And you know why… heh) I get a lot of google searches looking for me and my books. That’s awesome.

I get a lot of MILF GENERATION or just MILF searches which usually takes them a blog from 2009 which features a Star Trek Next Generation corset. It’s sexy. And one day, I plan to wear it. BTW, I’ve now found a Darth Vader corset that might actually win out over the TNG corset…Oh yeah. Happy Halloween indeed.
Sorry. I lost my concentration for a moment.

Lately, one of the most common searches has been for feet. Now, look, I love pretty feet. I post pics of my shoes and my pedicures all the time. And the hands down, most popular google search has been MELISSA FRANCIS FEET and it takes them to this post. And this post from 2008 when I was partying in Boston (and when I was blond…)

What’s the common denominator in both blogs? This picture:

the internetwebz loves shoe porn. (so, which feet are mine in the foot orgy?)

I love shoe porn, too. Which brings me to my latest purchase. A shoe that I have fallen in love with. A shoe that makes my feet look sexy, my legs look long, and makes me almost 6 ft. tall. This is a that shoe I’m having to practice walking in because it’s higher than anything that has ever been on my feet. (never thought I’d see the day that I almost look down on El Jefe, unless I was standing on a ladder.)

And a shoe, that I seriously was able to purchase at LuLu’s in Oxford for 75% off…bringing the grand total to $15…which means even if I never walk in these shoes, they were worth the price.

There you go, internetwebz. Enjoy your newest google hit when you search Melissa Francis Feet. You’re welcome.

A very special guest: CNBC’s Melissa Francis!

Y’all have gone and done it now. You’ve gone and googled Melissa Francis CNBC one too many times.

Each week it’s something new. Usually it’s all about Melissa’s legs, or inquiring about her marital status…but this week–this week you googlers have googled something new.

Is Melissa Francis pregnant?

I can assure you that neither of us are…how can I be so sure about the state of her uterus? Because I emailed her and asked. (actually I believe I said “according to my stats, you are expecting a Melissa Francis, Jr. Congrats if it’s true.”

After we exchanged a few emails, we decided I should conduct an interview for all you googling looky-loos out there…so here goes:

1. Are you pregnant?

I have to wonder what part of my anatomy is sending this signal. Perhaps I ate too much on vacation. Maybe I’ve let our CNBC stylist tailor my clothes a little bit too snuggly. I’m doing sit ups now while I’m typing, by the way.

2. Are you married or do you have a boyfriend?

Larry Kudlow is my TV husband, but alas he is already spoken for. I think my other tv spouse from MSNBC, Contessa Brewer, is way out of my league. Does this answer your question?

and the most often searched for item is about your awesome legs so tell me:

3. How did you get your awesome legs? (please deny working out in any form…)

That is very flattering. It almost compensates for the pain inflicted by question #1. I did run track in high school… I even did a Frosted Flakes commercial that involved me running hurdles when I was an actor in LA… but these days I mostly run to the set when I’m late for my show because I’ve spent too much time admiring David Faber’s hair in the make up room.

4. Have you read my book? (BITE ME! HarperTeen 2009)
I am still waiting for my signed copy.

5. If no: Why not? If yes: Wasn’t it awesome?

The press on it has been outstanding, and I know it is required reading among vampire elite. I may download it to my Kindle and stop waiting next to my mailbox.

6. Is it hard on you when people ask you if you’re ‘The Melissa Francis who wrote that awesome book?’ or do you just roll with it?

I usually lie and say we are the same person. It makes me seem so much more hip and multi-faceted. It’s much better than letting people think I just write about boring market events, the economy, and what I need at the grocery store.

So now @MelissaCNBC is my new BFF. Or I’m her evil twin. Whatever. Doesn’t matter. She’s GRRRRREAT! (Yes, I found the commercial on YouTube. It’s terrible quality, but it’s AWESOME)

Thanks for playing, Melissa. Your book is in the mail.

search me!

It’s been a while since I’ve done a stat blog. It’s amazing what terms people search for that lead them here.

BTW: we do not discriminate here at Mel-O-Drama. No matter how weird your search terms are, no matter how perverted you may be, you’re welcome here as long as you play well with others. Just be warned, your search terms are totally fair game as a blog topic.

As usual, CNBC’s Melissa Francis’s legs & Naked Melissa Francis have been a hot item. (BTW, she emailed me one day this past summer saying she’s happy to mooch off my attention and maybe I could post some photoshopped pics of her head on Meghan Fox’s body. I promised to do so if she she would get me some face time on her show to pimp my book…I’m still waiting for my invite. LOL)

There’s been a lot of BITE ME! and LOVE SUCKS! activity, for which I thank you. (LOVE SUCKS! will be out July 2010) BITE ME! is still on the shelves so get out there and buy your (minimum) 2 copies!

I’ve had some Shirley Q. Liquor searches. People love her Razorback fight song!

Lots of piercing, tattoo, and cleavage searches.

And then come the weird ones:

  • Teach my ass Melissa (srsly, is this from some kind of porn? I’ve got to find it, because I’m still getting multiple hits a week for that)
  • Bunco MILF (Maria, this could be a new genre! Erotic Bunco Babes!) Also in the MILF dept: My son’s friends MILF, seducing a MILF, MILF Melissa (thanks!) & bitchin’ MILF
  • Superhero having a shag (This is one of my faves and I’m now contemplating a new blog just for that)
  • Reptile Sex (Sadly, I did blog about this once)
  • Spy Voyeurs

and my personal favorite of all of them:

  • GIRLS HUMPING THEIR PILLOWS PICS OR STORIES (this one is from Auckland New Zealand…Nolen, is that you?)

Now, once folks find their way to my blog, they sometimes use my search bar to find specific subjects that I’ve blogged about. Here’s the most recent list

  • DENTON MCDONALD: someone is very interested in my high school boyfriend. Denton, you’re getting searched from all over the states. Are you in some kind of trouble, my dear?
  • DAVID: well, I’ve discussed David Beckham, David Blaine, & Harry and David cherries. Were you looking for someone in particular?
  • Tom Keifer: Ahhhh. someone else loves Cinderella just like me
  • Scooby Doo Blanket: I was totally cute wrapped up in that blanket. It was cold that day!

and finally…the cherry on top of all the searches:

  • spider biting vagina

Excuse me? I trust you did NOT find what you were looking for when you searched my blog? *shudder*

What are you searching for?

It’s been a while since I did a blog about the terms that people search to find my website. Apparently, the reporter/ex-Little House on the Prairie Melissa Francis has been busy lately, because I’ve gotten some interesting searches–and a lot of these are coming from financial institutions such as Dean Witter, AIG, Siebert, RBC Capital Investments, etc.

Anyway, here are some of the most recent ‘google’ terms. Let’s discuss:

melissa francis hot: why thank you.
melissa francis nude: not at the moment. Please come back later.
melissa francis breasts: I don’t leave home without them. Sometimes you will even find them on this blog.
melissa milf: working on it.
melissa francis sexy: you’re making me blush.
melissa francis cleavage: see breasts
melissa francis pictures naked: there may or may not be one or two of those floating around. On paper. Never on the interwebs. Sorry to disappoint.
melissa francis shut up: I hear that a lot.
sex sleeb: Do I even want to KNOW what this is and why it brought you to my blog?
melissa francis boobs: I know the girls are awesome, but wow. You folks are obsessed. See breasts.
melissa francis author: I love these searches because I know they are actually looking for me!
melissa francis feet: Is this what you’re looking for? Can you pick mine out?
why is melissa francis a bitch: you meant witch, right? People have been searching for this answer for as long as I remember. Maybe you’ll win a prize if you find out.
melissa francis gifts: always encouraged and accepted
fucking melissa francis: I have very high standards, I am afraid you’ve failed to meet them.
melissa francis has nice boobs: Thanks! I think so.
some thing naughty: you will find plenty of naughty on this blog. And some nice, too.
“melissa francis naked”: see nude.
Melissa Francis cheerleader: Rah Rah Ree. Or whatever. I don’t cheer. But I will wear the uniform if you ask nicely.
melissa francis birthday: March 14. See gifts
Melissa Francis legs: I have them, they’re attached to the feet in the picture.
melissa francis ugly feet: Uh, I beg to differ!
hot librarian: So I’ve been told.
Bite Me francis: Yay! someone looking for my book! Coming fall 2009. Check back often.
what kind of income does melissa francis make: Not enough.
melissa francis awful: I’m really not that bad, once you get to know me.
melissa francis annoying: I can honestly say, I’ve never been called annoying before. I’ve decided I don’t like it. You’re banned from my blog.

Happy Friday, y’all. I was supposed to have lunch with my boyfriend from high school today, but we rescheduled for Monday because he got called away to Nashville for business. So now I’m just going to write. And go running at some point. It’s supposed to be warm again today, so maybe I can run outside again, like I did yesterday.

Have a great weekend! What are your plans?

music to my ears

It used to be that I hated mornings. It was physically painful to open an eye and pull off the covers. Just five more minutes was my mantra. Sometimes, if I had to pee bad enough, I’d run to the bathroom, take care of business and jump back into bed.

I’ve discovered lately that this is my favorite time of the day. It’s hauntingly quiet, which is very unusual for this house–and a very welcome sound. Lately I’ve been rolling out of bed somewhere between 4 AM and 6 AM. And sure, I struggle at first to wake up, but once I do, Sally bar the door. (Okay, does anyone know who this Sally person is and why she was picked to bar the door in that cliche? Just curious)

After coffee is ready, I’ll sit down to blog. Pop onto Facebook and Twitter. Check email. Check my overnight stats (there are some naughty googlers out there late at night. And loads of people looking to become a MILF. That’s my goal. Y’all need to just stay away. There’s only room for one future MILF in the blogosphere, and that bitch is me. Just sayin’.) Anyway, I take care of the incidentals before I start working. I plug in my headphones, pick out the music for the day, or for the moment, or for the scene and get going.

Speaking of music, I received 3 CDs in the mail yesterday. I have a friend who is a huge Bruce Springsteen fan and I’ve honestly never cared one way or another for the Boss. There were a couple of songs of his that I always liked, but he was never an artist that I followed. Well, I suppose that must’ve been blasphemous to the Boss Addict so he sent me 3 CDs with 46 songs on them. (that’s a lot of songs btw. And he says he has 250! Holy Crapoly! THAT’s a lot of songs by one artist.)

I listened all day as I wrote. There were a couple of songs that really grabbed me. That were very powerful. Some that left me feeling very sad. Some that were just okay. But over all, the CDs were a big Win in my book. Except for the song That. Would. Not. End. 16 minutes was just a little much for me. (Sorry, A. Just too much for my busy little brain.)It was a live performance and Springsteen did a little preaching to the audience. Sure it was about Sexual Healing and possibly even a Naughty River, but let me tell ya, it still felt like a tent revival. But the first 5 minutes of the song was good. You know, the part where he was actually singing? Yeah, I liked that part.

Today, I’m going to have another listen to the songs I really liked. (I do that. I’m totally a Repeat Offender. I have no trouble listening to 1 song for hours. I know, you want to shoot me. Sorry.) There are a couple I think will fit nicely into my LOVE SUCKS! playlist. Which is good, since today is all about the writing.

Happy Saturday! You got plans?

Today’s card from the Universe

Happy Friday!

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired! This was a long, emotional, stressful week. And now I have to clean my house because I’m having a little get together tomorrow night with my BFF from high school and my 2 college roommates.

Damn you dirt! Why you keep stalking me?

My stat counter has been a busy beaver lately. I’d like to welcome everyone from AIG, AG Edwards, Merrill Lynch and all the other financial institutions searching for the other Melissa Francis–the CNBC reporter. Also, to all the gossip mongers who are searching for “Melissa Francis naked,” “Melissa Francis boyfriend,” “Melissa Francis married,” “Melissa Francis breasts” I hope you’ve found what you’re searching for. There are no pics of reporter Melissa Francis here–naked or otherwise. And yes there are a few cleavage shots here and there on this blog, but none belong to her. She seems to be much more dignified than I am. (I’ve even been accused of being vulgar. *gasp! shock!*) But I appreciate your visit and I hope you’ll stop by again. 🙂

Writing report: I brutally cut a chapter yesterday and started over. I was totally stuck and finally realized I wasn’t writing the right stuff. So I just CUT it. Snip. Just like that. And the words started flowing a little easier yesterday afternoon. Here’s hoping that continues.

I’m anxiously awaiting cover information for BITE ME! My editor emailed a couple of weeks ago after she and the art director discussed the concept. I was so thrilled because it was almost EXACTLY as I had always pictured my cover. Now I’m dying to see if that concept remained or if they tried it and it didn’t work and they moved on to something else.

Covers are funny because what marketing decides will sell might not be at all what the author likes or envisioned. And the author has no choice in the matter. Sure they can give their opinion, but the fact is, the final decision belongs to the publisher. So as an author, you just keep your fingers crossed that you love (or even sorta like) the cover you’re given because, guess what? It doesn’t matter. It’s yours to keep.

I have to say, I’m not really worried I won’t like the cover because Harper has done a fantastic job with their YA covers overall…so I have every expectation of being very happy.

Okay, I’ve randomly discussed all sorts of things in this post. Now I’m going to wrap it up and get back to writing. Y’all stop by FatChicksRunning! today to see how my 3rd run went this week.

Have a great weekend!

more fun with google

Seriously, it’s a little frightening what words will bring the search engines to my blog:

  • freeballing: poor Rader. He’s been immortalized on my blog. Well, at least he’ll have something to talk about in therapy.
  • cnbc melissa francis: Humph.
  • milf little rock: not yet. but I’m a MILF-in-training.
  • billy ray cyrus oldest son: huh?
  • chuck norris kills more people than cancer: And he can’t stop D-Mac either
  • naughty blues clues: one of my all time favorite confessions.
  • little rock teacher book author howard stern: Um. I have no idea…
  • lottery math: in which I fantasize about winning the powerball.
  • maria geraci: my bff brings me readers.
  • lick nipple: again, poor rader.
  • no dirty bitches: Oh, there are some dirty bitches here. I promise.
  • dog lick nipple: not on this blog, buddy.
  • how to get rid of puffy eyes after you cried and slept: no idea. have you tried cucumber slices?

I’ve been up and at it since 6:15 this morning. I’m doing a 2nd round of revisions, changing up a storyline and adding a couple of scenes. Bite Me! is gonna rock your socks when it’s done.