Tag Archives: wtf

um…where’d you go spring?

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Internet,

I was so distraught yesterday when I went outside because it was fargin’ cold! And I was all “you fargin’ ice hole winter! go away!” and winter was like, “no.”

Saturday I walked over 5 miles and got a little bit of sun. I wore a tank top and shorts for Vitamin D’s sake! It was near 70 degrees. And yesterday? It snowed in parts of Arkansas. Like snowed lots. And I thought for a brief, terrifying moment that the snow was gonna visit us for a little bit and in that moment, my spring-like life passed before my eyes.

So today it’s still kinda cold. And wet but it’s supposed to warm up and dry up. And tomorrow it will be near 70 again, so I will be near bliss again. But still, this is not how I wanted to start toward the end of THE MONTH OF MEL!

Today was almost a very bad morning. Guess what I almost did? I almost ruined my day by grabbing the box of Kosher Salt instead of the Raw Sugar (because let’s face it, everything is better in the raw) for my coffee. Um, yeah, can you imagine how not yummy that would’ve been? Thankfully the coffee gods tapped me on the shoulder just as I was about to pour the salt into my yummy morning nectar of wakefulness. Coffee Salvation was had by me!

This is spring break for the boys and I’m pretty sure they thought they were gonna nerd out and play video games all day, every day. But I’m kind of a bitch and have taken the cords away because they haven’t cleaned up the man cave (aka the penis cave) and they haven’t cleaned up their rooms…so until they do, no video games/computer for you! Hah! Torturing the chillrens is fun! I figure if I’m gonna pay for their therapy eventually, then maybe I should give them something to talk about.

Happy Monday Internet! Got big plans today? What did you do over the weekend?

random Saturday musings

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Hello INTERNET!

I’ve missed blogging so much, I thought I’d do the rare thing and post on a Saturday. I KNOW you’re excited. Like so excited. You’re welcome.

First of all, I have golf clubs in the trunk of my car. It seems like maybe I should utilize those things. I took lessons several years ago but I’ve never actually played golf. Like been on a golf course and hit the ball and follow it and hit it again–lather; rinse; repeat. Now I don’t expect to do that anytime soon because I’m not going to go alone, but hey, I would like to take a few swings again. (though I will admit that my chesticle area made it difficult to swing properly…)

Now, let’s talk about March Madness. I have a love/hate relationship with the NCAA Tournament. It never fails that I pick a team to go to the finals and that team will get knocked out in the first round. NEVER. FREAKING. FAILS.

This year’s loser du jour would be VANDY. C’mon Vandy? WTF? Seriously? If you were gonna put it to me like that, you should’ve at least taken me to dinner first. And a movie. Hell, at least you could’ve bought me a 40 oz and pretended to be into me for a minute. Wow. That was just uncool.

Also on my list is Marquette. No, I didn’t have them going to the finals, I had Duke and Vandy in the finals with Vandy smearing Duke because I loathe Duke (you can thank Christian Laettner for that…) I had Marquette going to the Elite Eight. Hmph. They barely made it out of the starting gate. Thanks for petering out Marquette. Thanks so much for making it soooooo worth my time.

Texas disappointed me but I had them losing in the next round, so we’re all good. Sadly, I also picked FSU because I do love the ‘Noles…and I did have them getting to Elite Eight as well…but I’m really not surprised by their performance. It’s FSU. That’s what they do.

But Marquette and Vandy? Humph.

So my bracket is not very pretty right now. Unless you think that redlines are pretty to look at…

Okay, that’s enough bitching about my poor bracketology. Now all I can hope is that Kentucky goes all the way and smears Duke in the final 4…and then takes the title.

Stupid frickin’ frackin’ farkin’ Vandy.

THE GREAT RADIO DEBACLE OF 1983

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Once upon a time I was a high school freshman.

My 9th grade year was full of firsts. First love (hi Dmac!) First hickey (hi Dmac!) First diet. First pair of designer jeans. First C…

and my first time as a radio star.

Well, sorta.

An old friend and I reconnected on Facebook this week and he mentioned that he can’t think about me without thinking about THE GREAT RADIO DEBACLE. Ah yes. RadioHead by thy name.

See, it all started out innocently enough. I had this Civics teacher who I couldn’t stand. She was boring and mean. And she couldn’t stand me. Mostly it was just a personality conflict, but it became personal when she assigned me a controversial topic to debate. The class voted via secret ballot before the debate and again after. I swayed the class. (I can be quite convincing, ya know.) She didn’t like it because it went against her beliefs. (yet she assigned me that topic and that side of the debate) and she honestly took it out on me everyday after that.

So anyway, one of the morning shows was hosting “complain about a teacher day” and so I called in. The DJ asked me questions about her, and I answered them. I never named her, but I did talk about her (lack of) teaching habits (she read to the class directly from the book) and I talked about the debate. And then…I decided to spout off one more thing. “Not only is she mean and boring, but she also looks like a rat.” (She totally looked like Master Splinter from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!)

Now, I didn’t say my name and I certainly didn’t think anyone would know it was me…so imagine my surprise to discover the whole school was talking about it when I arrived that day.

Oh yes. Word travels fast…

What a mess that turned out to be. I had Master Splinter in 2nd period and the first thing she did was read the definition of Slander in front of the class.

slander [slan-der]
–noun
1. defamation;
calumny: rumors full of slander.
2. a malicious, false, and defamatory
statement or report: a slander against his good name.
3. Law. defamation by
oral utterance rather than by writing, pictures, etc.

I had no idea she would find out about it; I had NO idea my little call would cause such a problem! So I was seriously ready to apologize to her until she got up in front of class and threatened to sue me for slander stating that calling her a rat was defamation.

And that’s when I stood and said, “I’m sorry, but I did NOT call you a rat. I merely said you look like one. And I stand by that opinion.”

I spent the day in and out of the office. My mom was called in and we had to have a meeting about my poor decision making.

Mom stood by me. She said what I did was stupid (and it was) but I did it on my own time, didn’t name the teacher, and since there is this thing called freedom of speech, there was little the school could do.

And she was right. I did get D-Hall for mouthing off to Master splinter in class, but they couldn ‘t punish me for the radio stunt.

Master Splinter continued to punish me all year long (I love it when adults act like children. You know, I was 15. I was stupid. She was the adult. She should have risen above her hurt pride and set an example. But no.) She accused me of cheating once (which didn’t happen and even the counselor agreed it appeared that she was trying to get me back) and she gave me my first unearned C on a report card.

I will say that even though the stunt I pulled was EPIC on the scale of dumbassness, I believe that whole incident really helped shape me into the person I am today:

Oppositional.

say what?

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So I get song lyrics wrong all the time. I know I’m not the only one; there are websites dedicated to the fact that we can’t hear clearly. (Or they can’t sing clearly…whatever)

Can you guess the songs from my messed up lyrics?

“400 children and the crops in the field.”

“(I send shivers) Smooth opinion.”

“Spread your love on Clyde; oh me oh my.”

Have a great day!

UNreality TV

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There is absolutely nothing real about 1 man dating 25 people at the same time.

First of all, in the real world, who could afford all that? Hell, they do things like rent out Sea World, private concerts by real bands from the 80s, and take helicopters everywhere. So yeah, there ain’t nothing real about The Bachelor.

Secondly, these dates are a guarantee. There is no worry about a girl saying “Eh. I don’t think so.” There isn’t a ho-testant in the world who is going to refuse the rose. The power is in the hands of the Bachelor. “will you accept this rose?” he asks. But he knows the answer. And if he don’t want ya, you ain’t getting a flower–no how much you cry about it.

There is also the fact that dude is macking on all these chicks and they are living together knowing each of them have been swapping spit. Okay, in the real world, if dude takes me out onto the balcony and checks for tonsils with his tongue, I’m expecting that I’m the ONLY ONE he’s playing tongue twister with. But no. He goes right back into the house, picks out another ho-testant and does mouth to mouth with her five minutes later. (unless you’re one of the unlucky ones who just gets a peck on the cheek.)*

This is the worst tv ever on earth, yet I can’t look away.

The fun of it is doing the commentary via twitter or on FB. I do love that quite a bit. It makes me feel superior to the ho-testants. Maybe that’s shallow, but whatever. I’m not choosing to date a man on national tv along with 20 other chicas. In my opinion, that opens them all up for brutal discussion. Especially after hearing some of the things they say! (Plus, they do gymnastics on the beach in their swimsuits. Of course I’m superior.)

This is the bitchiest and most childish group of ho-testants I’ve seen in a long time. None of them like Vienna Sausage and they all keep running to Jakey and telling him she’s a bitch. Yet he keeps her. And then they get all pissy about it–which is really unattractive. I’m beginning to feel sorry for Vienna Sausage (even more so than I did because of her name). They are all just flat out cruel to her. I don’t care what the chick has done (which as far as I can tell, hasn’t been much) nobody should have to stay in a house with people who are constantly talking about you. It’s not fun.

I should know, it happened to me once. And it wasn’t over anything I had done, it was was because the women I was with were insecure, petty, and just flat out mean. Jealousy can cause some people to react in a very ugly manner…and I think that’s exactly what’s happening to Vienna. The girls feel threatened by her.

And the more they try to sabatoge her with Jake, the more it works against them.

I am fully invested in this train wreck now–and believe it or not, I’m just about to switch to team Sausage.

*if you’re getting just a peck on the cheek, chances are you’re the next ho-testant being cut. Just an FYI.

overpaid babies…

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I love college football, but I don’t follow the NFL much because it seems the pros have lost their passion for the game. They play for the bucks now, and oftentimes, they’re just overpaid babies.

Case in point, yesterday, the Minnesota Vikings and the Dallas Cowboys played for a chance to move forward to the Super Bowl. Minnesota owned Dallas–it was 17 to 3 at half-time. Defensively, Dallas improved somewhat in the 3rd quarter, holding the Vikings scoreless, but early in the 4th, the Vikes pulled ahead 27-3.

After that, Dallas just seemed to give up. I don’t think they gained 20 yards in the next 8 plays! They started pouting and stopped playing.

Fast forward to about 2 mins left in the game. It’s 4th down and 3, and Favre throws a TD pass and one of the Cowboy players gets his panties all in a wad about it and runs over to the Viking bench and yells at Favre and the coaches for ‘running up the score.’

“I thought it was totally classless and disrespectful. This is the NFL, that’s not what this is about. I don’t think there’s a place for that … I was looking for [Vikings coach Brad] Childress. I didn’t think it was right, but they’ve got to see us next year.

Dude. Did you hear yourself? It’s the NFL, not pee wee football. If you don’t want them to run the score up…PLAY SOME FREAKING DEFENSE AND STOP THEM! Are you seriously whining? Aren’t you supposed to be a grown-ass man?

Oh wait. You’re an overpaid baby. Yup. This is exactly why I don’t follow the NFL. Hope you had some cheese with that whine…

not so bright…

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Yup… Me, too.

NBC has made some stupid programming decisions over the years. (Keeping ER on the air for 110 years, being one of them.) But putting Jay Leno on at 9 o’clock every night? That was the dumbest of all dumb ideas.

Or so I thought.

Now they want to move Jay back to the 11:30 EST slot and move the TONIGHT Show w/ Conan to the 12:05 EST slot. HUH?

Let’s first address the stupidity of airing the TONIGHT Show at 12:05 AM. It’s no longer the TONIGHT Show if it’s morning.

Then let’s discuss the fact that if it were any other failing show, they would just CANCEL it. God knows they don’t give a show a chance to establish a following. (Studio 60 anyone?) So cancel Jay. Or move him behind Conan. Or just CANCEL HIM. Because seriously, that is the lamest show ever.

So Conan has written a letter saying he’s not going to follow Jay at 12:05.

Here’s an excerpt:

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

You go, boy. I’m behind you 110%. Wherever you go, I will follow.

a pet peeve

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A 4 year old boy in Texas has been serving in school suspension since November because he has long hair. (video here)

This is a public school. THIS is your tax dollars at work.

Honestly, what is the big, damn deal? A boy has long hair. Wow. That’s scary stuff. Alert the media! (done) Are they making the girls with long hair do the same thing as this boy?

No? Well how very double-standard of you, Texas.

Why would they ostracize this child for having long hair? I thought a school’s job was to educate, not humilate.

This is a hot button for me. Both of my boys have grown their hair out at one time or another. The youngest one is currently working toward a goal of growing it out until he’s in 9th grade. Years ago, when we lived in Oxford, my oldest son was in 5th grade. He was growing his hair out. His teacher didn’t like it. She pulled him in front of the class, stuck his bangs up on top of his head in a ponytail ala Pebbles and humilated him in front of the class. Her excuse was that he was too busy messing with his hair and wasn’t focusing on his test. I told her those are natural consequences…she had no right to lay a hand on my child’s hair.

And unless she was doing the same thing to every girl who had long hair, who chewed on, twirled, or messed with her hair, then she was just being a bully.

We removed him from that class. That was a long time ago…I’m still bitter about it.

The school districts need to stop focusing on stupid stuff like boys with long hair and start focusing on education. REAL education. Hair is not a big damn deal and doesn’t interfere with learning. Removing a 4 year old from class to punish him for having long hair is teaching him something all right…I’m just not sure that’s the lesson he should be learning.

let it no, let it no, let it no!

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There’s no typo in that title. Nope. Not at all. After all the “snow” hype all week long; after braving the snowstorm crowd at Kroger last night (I needed beer. Can’t get ‘snowed’ in without beer) After getting my hopes up that maybe–JUST MAYBE–we’d actually see some of the white stuff…

I woke up to nothing.

Nada.

Zip. Zero. Zilch.

Monday’s sad little snow was actually a blizzard compared to what we woke to today.

All we have is cold. Bitter, windy, subzero cold.

If it’s gonna be this cold, there should at least be some snow on the ground.

Oh wait! There is! about 30 minutes north of us they got snow. And to the east of us. But our little section of central Arkansas was robbed!

Even Oxford, MS got snow! We never got snow when I lived there.

So it must be me. The snow avoids me. Fine. Be that way. I’ll move somewhere tropical then.

I know some of y’all are snowed in and sick of the stuff. Hell, there’s one city in New York that has 55 inches of snow! (that’s a bit much for me.) But since we rarely ever see powder, we really want it when it’s predicted. That’s okay. We’ll get some eventually. After I move to the Keys I’m sure…

reginerating brain cells

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We only thought we were cold at the Liberty Bowl.

It’s freezing in Central Arkansas right now, with no relief in sight for a few days. and we have another possiblity of sleet/snow, but I’m a little skeptical. Mainly because I want it to happen so badly, that I know it won’t.

Here’s hoping for a big blanket-of-snow surprise tomorrow.

I have a headache today and I can’t seem to shake it. Not sure if it’s the weather or just my state of mind. Even the miracle cure of BC Powder and a Coke Zero didn’t work. I think my brain cells are punishing me for making them watch The Bachelor: On the BOOBS of Love and Conveyor Belt of Love on Monday night.

And then yesterday, I topped it off with a couple of episodes of Jersey Shore–because I just wasn’t feeling stupid enough.

Here’s a fun little spoof of Jersey Shore that is sadly, quite accurate. This is NSFW and not safe for anyone under 17. You have been warned.