achieving MILF status the SMART way

Posted on December 30, 2008 by Just Call Me Mel

Everyone knows one of my goals in life is to be Stifler’s Mom aka a MILF.

Last night, I was asked how I would know when I reached MILF status and I said, “I don’t have a clue, but surely I’ll get there.”

His response: “You need SMART goals for your MILF ambitions.”

WTF? SMART goals?

Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-bound

Okay, that’s just a little too sciencey for me and my goal of becoming a cougar. So I said, “That’s so sciencey. Can’t I just know when I get there?”

“How will you know? When one of your kids’ friends slaps you on the tushy?” (and yes, he said tushy. I thought about changing it to ass but decided to leave it in there because that’s funny as shit.)

LMAO. Yes, that’s exactly how I will know. Or when I read a text message that says, “Dude, your mom is hot.”

Instant MILF.

But his suggestion got me to thinking, is there a way to develop Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-bound goals for becoming a MILF?

C’mon gang! Let’s explore!

Specific: Well, that’s easy. I wanna be a MILF. I’m already the equivalent of a naughty librarian which is hot, but not my ultimate goal. So there’s the specific. Or does he mean I need to achieve specific objectives in order to become a MILF? See? too Sciencey. Dammit. Can you guys give me some specific objectives? I’m all out of ideas.
Measurable: Um. Is there a certain number of teenage boys that need to be lured by my siren song before it counts? I’m not really sure how to measure this.
Achievable: Yes. (LOL that’s funny. I just made myself snort)
Realistic: Again, Yes. (see above comment about snorting)
Time-bound: ASAP. Okay, well theoretically, I’ve got time. I have 2 sons. So if I can’t achieve MILFiness in 4 years, I have another 4 to try. But my guess is I will achieve much sooner than that. Because really? As stated, I’m already a Naughty Librarian. Surely MILF isn’t that far away.

So what do you think? Is it possible to apply science to such an unscientific goal? Is there such a thing as over-thinking?(yes)

How do you think I’ll know when I’ve achieved MILF. Will I ever know?

Taking bets now–will I EVER make it to MILF?

more hot librarian: this time with video!

Posted on December 29, 2008 by Just Call Me Mel

My ~~stalker~~ friend, jimmy the k, read my blog this morning and sent me the most appropriate song lyrics. Of course, I had to track down the song immediately. I found a live video on youtube. Here are the lyrics, video below. 🙂 I’m kinda digging this librarian thing.

“Librarian” by My Morning Jacket
[Songwriters: Olliges Jr, James Edward]

Walk across the courtyard, towards the library.
I can hear the insects buzz and the leaves ‘neath my feet…

Ramble up the stairwell, into the hall of books…
Since we got the interweb these hardly get used.

Duck into the men’s room… combing thru my hair…
When god gave us mirrors he had no idea…

Looking for a lesson in the periodicals…
There I spy you listening to the AM radio…

Karen of the carpenters- singing in the rain…
Another lovely victim of the mirror’s evil way.

It’s not like you’re not trying, with a pencil in your hair
To defy the beauty the good lord put in there…

Simple little bookworm- buried underneath…
Is the sexiest librarian… take off those glasses and let down your hair for me.

So I watch you thru the bookcase- imagining a scene:
You and I at dinner, spending time, then to sleep.

And what then would I say to you- lying there in bed?
These words, with a kiss, I would plant in your head:

“What is it inside our heads that makes us do the opposite?
Makes us do the opposite of what’s right for us?
Cause everything’d be grrreat… and everything’d be good…
If everybody gave… like everybody could.”

Sweetest little bookworm. hidden underneath…
Is the sexiest librarian…
Take off those glasses and let your hair down for me.
Take off those glasses and let your hair down for me.

Simple little beauty- heaven in your breath.
The simplest of pleasures- the world at it’s best.

the bad boy equivalent?

Posted on December 29, 2008 by Just Call Me Mel

I love a bad boy. We know that. I’ve blogged about it several times. From the books I read to the shows I watch, I am always drawn to the emotionally walled off, and cocky bad boy. (Hello, LOST fans? Team Sawyer! Jack’s a ~~pussy~~ weenie.)And now that Kevin McKidd is on Grey’s Anatomy–yum. He’s the only reason to keep watching. He’s all of the above PLUS he’s a ginger!

These are the men that make fantasizing more fun.

Today, I’m going to talk about a different fantasy–The Naughty Librarian. Is this the male “bad boy” equivalent? Did ~~Sarah Palin~~ Tina Fey bring out this fantasy for nearly every man in America?

I only ask this because I’ve been told by several people since I’ve darkened my hair, that with my glasses on, I look like the “hot” or “naughty” librarian. Now, I’m not complaining. I totally dig that. Calling me a Naughty Librarian is one step closer to my ultimate goal of being Stifler’s Mom.

So what is the obsession with the naughty librarians? I get the school girl fantasy–sorry, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to pull that one off. Is it the glasses? The shushing? The fact that if you do it in a library you have to be quiet? The authority figure thing? What makes the Naughty Librarian such a turn on?

I’m also talking about Sports Movies over at Fictionistas today. Click the banner and stop by!

Today’s note from the Universe:

2009, Melissa, will not be just another year.

It’s the absolute richest I’ve ever imagined, with the most possibilities I’ve ever created, for the coolest people I’ve ever known, to do the greatest things that have ever been done.

Don’t feel any pressure.

Let’s do this,
The Universe

I have a very good feeling The Universe has this one right.

A Christmas Poem for Feisty

Posted on December 26, 2008 by Just Call Me Mel

Y’all know Lillian Feisty, right? She’s my friend and she’s quite naughty. Some of the things that come out of her mouth (literally and figuratively) are quite shocking. But I am a good friend who is totally up to the task of Feisty. Last night we were chatting and she had a request. For Christmas, I had to write her a naughty story that included Bourbon, Irish Cream, sheep, astronauts, and Fishdog tied to a chair. I think I accomplished it… Be warned. It is naughty. Though I will admit, it was much naughtier last night when I was drinking. LOL I toned it down some this morning because, well, I’m a chicken when I’m not fueled by liquid gold. 😉 (and no, I did not save the orginal version. On purpose.)

————————-
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
not a creature was stirring
except a sweet ginger mouse.

The stockings were tied to the chimney with care
And Fishdog was tied to a kitchen chair.
The children away with the babysitter
And visions of Feisty hit Fishdog like a flair.

Feisty in her corset
and I in my socks
Had just settled in
to watch Dick in a Box.

When out on the lawn
arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the couch,
to see what was the matter.

Away to the window
I flew in a flash
tore open the shutters
and ripped off my sash

The moon made my breasts
seem fresh as new snow
Their brightness lit the way
For 8 tiny sheep and a sex-toy laden sleigh.

The driver eyed me with appreciation
as he disembarked and demanded a bourbon
He rubbed his goatee, and with a cocky smile said
“You look like you are ready for bed.”

What choice did I have
but to invite him inside
He brought his bag of goodies
and Feisty’s eyes went wide.

“Oh my,” she sighed
as she fixed an Irish Cream
“I’m just missing one thing
To make this a true dream”.

“Your wish is my command,”
Our visitor replied.
And Feisty giggled when she said
“Astronauts make me warm inside.”

With a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
I knew I had nothing to dread
The magic bag opened and what should appear
Astronauts dressed in full space gear.

With a squeal of delight, Feisty grabbed their hands
and tied them to chairs with strong leather bands
Our visitor turned to me asking
“What is your command?”

I spoke not a word but he figured me out
when the magical mist covered us in a shroud
When the fog lifted, my heart sighed
As we lay on the beach watching the sunrise

It didn’t take long for the dream to end
When I woke the next morning Feisty was spent
Of last night’s debauchery
there was not a hint

As I laid in my bed I heard a low rumble
It was a sexy laugh that made my heart fumble
the voice was so quiet I almost missed it
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good tumble.
—————

Hope you all got a good tumble for Christmas. Much love and happy holidays to everyone.

It’s dirty little secret time!

Posted on December 12, 2008 by Just Call Me Mel

It’s been far too long since I’ve admitted a dirty little secret. Here is a list of past secrets:

Yes, these are all my dirty little confessions. And now I have another one.

I am so relieved that ~~Ron Weasley~~ Rupert Grint is 20 years old, because now my crush on him doesn’t seem quite so forbidden.

It’s the red hair. And the smile.

And the accent.

Mostly it’s the hair.

Maybe my dirty little secret isn’t my mad crush on a 20 year old, it’s the fact that I dig gingers.

Case in point:

Eric Stoltz. He has always been Some Kind of Wonderful to me. Sigh.

David Caruso. Maybe not so much now, but when I first saw him on NYPD Blue, I lost a little piece of my heart to him.

Damian Lewis. If you don’t watch Life, you’re missing out. Either way, he’s my latest ginger crush.

Maybe if Matt Damon was a red head, we’d still be together. Who knows?

a late night blog

Posted on November 17, 2007 by Just Call Me Mel

Tonight was girls’ night out with my college roommates and my BFF from high school. Yes, that’s right, I said high school.

We were celebrating Jenn’s 40th birthday. This is just after we celebrated PamPam’s 40th. God, my 40th is creeping closer, but thank God we have to go through Nick’s and then Fishdog’s before we get to mine. I’ve got 1 year and 4 months to go and I’m savoring every second.

Now I’m wound up. I’m a little sleepy, but not tired enough to go to bed. So I’m looking for someone to play with. Nobody is online, nobody is awake. It’s just me and my computer.

and my cell phone.

I could text Feisty. She might be awake. Of course, she’s probably doing something naughty. She’s always up to something naughty…

Today was another good writing day. Good as in I wrote quite a few pages…I’m not sure that the pages are high quality. We’ll soon see, I suppose.

Wow. My son is totally talking in his sleep. I can hear him all the way through the house. Awesome. Fishdog does that too, especially when he’s really tired. Or really stressed. Or feeling guilty…

I could keep typing here, but I really have nothing to say. It’s not a drunk blog, because I’ve only had a couple of beers and that was a long ass time ago. (really good beers, though.) Besides, if this was a drunk blog, it would be funnier. It’s really not very funny. I might even delete it.

If I had another couple of beers, I might tell y’all about the sex talks we had tonight. We even discussed my love of Gay Porn and who we’d switch teams for. But I’m outta beer so you’re outta luck.

peace y’all.

dirty bitch

Posted on September 18, 2007 by Just Call Me Mel

I’m a dirty bitch right now.

I’ve come back to Oxford to dust and mop for our Open House this weekend and I am filthy.

Who knew there could be so much dust in one house…especially in the blinds? (probably everyone knew but me since I apparently never dust. Hey Mel, if you dusted more, this wouldn’t be a problem!)

So, anyway, that’s not the only thing that makes me dirty…I discovered yesterday that something really is wrong with me.

It’s not a secret that I’m not right in the head. Not long ago, I confessed my lust for Steve from Blue’s Clues. I opened up my heart and let it bleed on my blog. And now I’m about to do it again.

Remember the country boy from Sling Blade? You know, little Lucas Black? Well, I’ve been watching this boy grow up and finding my thoughts turning toward the impure as he became a teenager. Friday Night Lights was a great movie (and a great TV show, too) and Lucas was extremely hot. But too young for me to call hot, so I just ignored the naughtiness that meandered inside me. But then last night, I finally watched The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. Oh how my naughty river flowed once again.

Thank God he’s 25 years old now. At least I’m not as dirty as I first thought. Which I think is a good thing…

friday, part the 2nd…

Posted on September 15, 2007 by Just Call Me Mel

I volunteered at the school today and they worked me over like a cheap hooker. Okay, maybe not the best metaphor considering the fact this is a Catholic school, but you get the picture. It was 5 hours of hard labor–without an epidural. Trust me, drugs would’ve helped, tremendously.

I had a good time despite the fact I was wishing for a hit of pain killers. I hung out with a cool Egyptian chick (been in America since ’68 so really she’s more American than Egyptian now…) anyway, Maggie is the mother of 3 beautiful girls. You know, dark skin, dark hair, dark eyes…the kinda girls that will be called “exotic beauties” when they’re older. We had a great time. We spent the day moving and unpacking boxes and ~~laughing at~~ assisting the ~~snooty~~ other moms were also there to “help”.

So, this whole Catholic immersion thing is new to me. A: I’m protestant and a lapsed protestant at that. B: I think organized religion ruins spirituality C: What do you mean Mass doesn’t count except on Saturday’s after 4:00 pm and on Sundays? If it doesn’t count, why the hell are y’all going all the damn time? But I’m hanging in there and being as supportive as I can be for ~~a heathen~~ an uneducated protestant.

Sometimes I worry one of the parents will find my blog and my kids will be kicked out because their mom has had naughty thoughts about Steve from Blue’s Clues (honestly, can they forgive a naughty river?), has posted ~~half~~ nekkid pictures of hot guys, is writing a Vampire YA, and gets pretty hot and bothered when reading MMF. Could you imagine that conversation?

“But she’s in PTO. She can’t be all bad.”
“But she likes reading MMF sex! I bet she liked watching Queer as Folk… (I did. Hot naked guys for 1 hour a week. Duh.)
“She writes about the undead. She’s a sinner.”
“We could convert her…”
“Um. Do we really want to convert her?”
“Good point.”

Of course, this is my overactive imagination working overdrive ( I write fiction, you know?) The school takes our money and welcomes us into their fold. It’s been fabulous there. The kids like it tremendously and I’ve felt very welcome by the people who count. (actually, the majority of the school and administration has been more than welcoming. Just one or two moms have tried their best to make me feel uncomfortable. They didn’t realize I thrive on the challenge..)

Just because I feel like it, here’s one of my favorite scenes from Rush Hour (shut up, I like this movie). It’s not the scene I quote the most… (“Do you hear the words that are comin’ out of my mouf?”) But it is one of my favorite scenes. Enjoy, bitches.

Nostalgia part deux

Posted on July 24, 2007 by Just Call Me Mel

I wouldn’t go back to being 18 again for anything…not even if I could go back knowing what I know now.

But as my friend Jen said, it was great to relive the innocence of 18 for just a few hours. When our biggest worries were test scores and rejection and how to score our next beer. (not that I drank when I was 18…)

I’m still on a nostalgia high. I spent a fantastic week at conference and then followed it with a great night with old friends. Wonder what the crash is gonna feel like? Maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll just coast on the good feelings for a while.

I find it ironic that I enjoyed myself as much as I did, when even the morning of my reunion, I was dreading it. I don’t know what I was worried about…I guess no matter how much you grow into yourself, old insecurities can come crashing back like a landslide. High School was bittersweet for me. I didn’t always have a Naughty River (or at least, my Naughty River wasn’t free flowing…) I never had the one “boyfriend” but I had a lot of great boy friends. I never was the star athlete but I was athletic. I knew almost everyone, and was friend to most, but only felt true to myself around a few.

Today, I’m okay with who I am around everyone. I can look at the big picture and think, “I don’t have to be everyone’s friend. It’s their loss.” Could you imagine ever thinking something like that in High School? Or, if you thought it, did you really believe it?

The best part of this weekend’s reconnection was seeing that we’d all grown into ourselves. I’m amazed at the adults my friends turned out to be. And I don’t know why it should be surprising…they are my friends, and I’ve always had great taste… if I do say so myself.