Tag Archives: The Bachelorette

Hello Humpday. What you got for me today?

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  • Popsicles taste better in a hammock.

  • Today we register Rader for 8th grade and that’s just weird to think that I have an 8th grader…who’s almost 6ft tall. WTF?
  • In other news, the double hammocks do indeed work for two people who are not pint-sized.
  • I have finished both my recaps for the Bachelorette Finale and After the Final Rose but Hey Don’t Judge Me is offline right now for server upgrades. Hopefully we’ll be back up and you can read all the goodness that is crappy TV.
  • I woke this morning to this:

  • Today is Wine Wednesday but I’m not sure it’s gonna happen as per usual. We shall see.

Oh and for the recent visitors to my blog who are looking for Melissa Francis from CNBC …Let me answer what I can for you: Yes she has great legs. Yes she’s married (to Wray Thorn, I believe)–at least she was this time last year when she had a baby. I have no idea how her tits look, but from the number of searches looking for them, they must be fabulous. You can find her on twitter @MelissaCNBC and if you work your google-fu properly, you can find an awesome Frosted Flakes commercial she did when she was a kid. And in that commercial, her eyebrows are amazing. Wait, here’s a fun interview I did with her in 2009 and I posted the commercial at the end…it’s pretty fantastic.

Melfcellaneous

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I’m so witty.

Sometimes blog titles are hard especially when you have a lot of nothing to talk about.

  • My recap of Bachelorette: Men Wear Panties Tell All is up at Hey Don’t Judge Me!
  • I’m working on last night’s Bachelorette Finale and After the Rose recap. Planning to post sometime today.
  • You know you’re the mother of boys when your early morning discussions over coffee are all about farts. It was an in depth discussion covering all aspects of farting from aroma to consistency. I am mother of the year.
  • BITE ME! got a 5 Star review yesterday and it popped up on my news feed and I am excited (because this book is 2 years old and new reviews are few and far between!) I commented and then I had to save her comment back because she didn’t wanna like the book because it’s a vampire book but she ended up loving it! Here’s the brief review. A detailed review will be on her blog 8/19 and of course, I’ll be bragging posting.
  • Here’s proof she didn’t wanna like it but did anyway:

  • I realize posting the picture of our conversation makes me a dork, but I’m good with that.
  • Hammocks really might be the key to happiness. I am doing extensive research on the subject.
  • During last night’s research, I had to test El Jefe’s hammock. It’s very important to collect as much data as possible, otherwise I’d just be wasting my time. I highly recommend testing hammocks in your PJs

  • The heat index this week is going to be consistently in the 115 degree range. I like the sun, I have never had any intention of living on it.
  • I had to call AT&T last night and by the time I finally got to the correct automated menu I was about to have a stroke. Hammock therapy helped me through. As did a glass or two of Kim Cattrall Crawford.

yo yo yo

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Ain’t got much for you today. My Bachelorette recap is up! (sorry I’m late. Can you believe I’m actually expected to work sometimes?)
Other than that, I am still wanting a half grape/half peach Cajun Sno and may have to get me one at lunch today.

your house ate my hair dryer. Also we discuss camel toes.

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First off, I think the Watson’s house ate my hair dryer. They can’t find it anywhere, yet it’s not in my bag or car… So the only logical answer is their house ate it.

Secondly, someone in Australia googled “bitchin camel toe” and my website was #93 in the search results. That is very disappointing. I would have thought we’d have ranked much higher in the bitchin camel toe department. So now I have a goal to be ranked in the top 10. I know that’s a big jump, but I’m sure where there’s a will, a camel, and a toe, we can make it happen. I know I can count on y’all for help, right? These pics should help…

The other thing I’m getting lots of searches for is “Pin Up Nurse with Red Hair” and “Nurse Shoes Pin Up” Hmmmm. Someone’s got a little fetish going on…not that I blame you.
My two favorite searches recently have been “Superior boobs” (thank you!) and “Ames Bachelorette Retarted look” (Bless his heart.)
Okay, let’s go back to the bitchin camel toe for a second. SURELY THOSE AREN’T REAL TATTOOS?! I mean, how drunk and stupid do you have to be to tattoo a camel to your toe? I’m all about the tattoo…but c’mon! How would you explain that one to the grandkids? “MawMaw just really had a thing for camel toes…”
Uh. No. Thank. You.
I’m going to be working on my Bachelorette recap today…hoping to have it posted shortly after lunch, but it might be later. It was a good one (despite the Presidential Interruptus! He totally hijacked the show just as one of the final 3 Douchetestants was breaking up with Ashley! It was a Presidential Cock Block!) I suppose if you’re ever gonna get cock blocked, it really doesn’t get much better than directly from the White House.

I have no title so suck it Trebek

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I hit the reset button yesterday after the morning from hell and overall the day turned out okay. My air still isn’t fixed, but they swear it will be taken care of TODAY. I’m pretty sure they had the part shipped from China via the Pony Express. I hope it’s repaired today because I’d actually like to go home and do stuff like laundry before we head out of town on Friday. (Hey Oxford…are you ready for us?)

My Bachelorette recap was posted yesterday. I’m pretty stoked about seeing the next episode of drama when we meet Ashley’s crazy freaking sister Amy Winehouse. She looks and acts like her, so as far as I’m concerned, that’s who she is…It’s gonna be a good time, y’all.
I really wanna Yard Art Farm. Yes. I have a thing for large metal animals. ESPECIALLY the 5ft Giant Metal Flamingo that Galaxy Furniture has. El Jefe and I have decided we should buy one of each of the metal animals and position them around my flower bed like it’s a trough…and then just move them all slightly each day so it looks like they’re alive.
But whether I do a yard art metal animal farm or not, my life may not be complete without the giant metal flamingo. I’m for serious.
Especially since Lumpy the Drunk decapitated my little metal flamingo a few weeks ago. A GIANT metal flamingo would totally rid the place of all negative energy. Like burning a bundle of sage by the doorway. Only it’s PINK and GIANT and in my yard! (and not on fire, because there is a burn ban right now…)
and now…just because this always makes me laugh like a loon, SNL’s Jeopardy. I totally heart Will Ferrell. I know this isn’t right on so many levels, but I can’t help myself.
Also…suck it, Trebek.

yo

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Don’t really have much to say today other than my recap of this week’s Bachelorette is up. Ames wore red pants and I may never get over it. Also you should go read just so this picture will make sense to you:

Also, you should check out Stoney’s recaps of Hoarders and season 1 of Glee and Sue’s recaps of True Blood… Good stuff.

That is all. Carry on.

late

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It’s been a long day after a long night. So all I have to say is my Bachelorette Episode 5 recap is up at Hey Don’t Judge Me. Get thee over and shower me with attention. I need it to keep awake…

<– see the guy in the hot pink panties? He gets knocked the F*(K out. And I laughed. You will too, I’m sure.

fah-ah-ah-ling over you.

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First off, my recap of Bachelorette Episode 3 is up at Hey Don’t Judge Me. I’m working on Episode 4 recap now and hoping to post it later today. Episode 3 was so Douchetastic I had a hard time writing up the recap. So much material, so little blogspace… (btw, the Mask de-masked himself…)

Now…

Let’s talk about grace baby.
Let’s talk about you and me.
Let’s talk about all the falls that I take, that you can see.
Let’s talk about grace. Let’s talk about grace…

Picture this. A girl with bright red hair and a large tattoo (definitely recognizable) is sauntering (because she saunters) along the sidewalk on the way to work (a college campus, mind you) when suddenly the sidewalk reaches up and grabs her foot (because surely she didn’t just trip) causing her to take a most ungraceful spill. EVER. Dust and skirt flying up, shoe flying off, and an entire construction crew and 2 young engineering students watching. It happened in slow motion, because all things awesome happen in slow mo.

The boys were a few feet behind the now completely embarrassed girl with the bright red hair and gallantly assist her off the ground and ask if she is okay. The girl looks at the boys, who are both red-faced and apparently even more embarrassed than the girl. The girl realizes this was probably the first time the boys had ever seen panties. The girl is glad they were cute panties. She resists the urge to show them her matching purple bra.

Now the girl is a little scratched up from the sidewalk and the tree root she landed on. Her ego is completely bruised and may not make a full recovery, so if you see the girl with the bright red hair and something seems different; it’s probably because she is mourning the loss of her dignity. It was all she had left, after all…

as he picked up his hammer and saw

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First things first: My recap of The Bachelorette Episode 2 is live! Go forth and read all about the sad + awesome = sawesome Douchebaggery. Be sure and bring your cheesy-poofs for a snack.

Okay, so no hammer was involved yesterday but I kinda feel like I was beaten by one in my sleep.

You see, my driveway is gravel and it has pretty much just washed away. It’s full of potholes and bumps and when it rains, is a muddy mess. So we’re having a load of gravel brought in…unfortunately, my giant tree over the driveway would prevent a dumptruck from entering, so limbs would have to be removed.

Enter El Jefe and his saw.

And me and the John Deere (btw, I will never, ever write my John Deere a Deere Dear John letter because I love him sooooooo. Our love will not be denied!)

Jefe battled the tree, and the tree tried to battle back. It was like it knew…and wanted to wound its attacker. But this world evolves on the survival of the fittest–or at least the person with the better tools. And I’m pretty sure Saw beats Branch every time. (Does Tarp cover Saw? Hmmmm)

Our burn pile is about 10+ feet tall now. That’s gonna be a helluva fire. Woot! Can’t wait! Bring on the marshmallows!

Anyway, dragging all those limbs around is a lot of work, so this morning we both feel a bit like warmed over death. And I’m figuring once we finish with the gravel portion of this project, we’ll feel like reheated warmed over death. The boys were feeling a little worse for the wear as well, even though their idea of “helping” is not the same as mine. heh.

But at least soon I won’t be bottoming out on my driveway anymore.

HEY DON’T JUDGE ME!

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Nevermind, you can totally judge me…

Remember me talking about my friend Stoney who writes some of the funniest recaps of GAME OF THRONES and REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY for her awesome website Hey Don’t Judge Me?

Guess who is the newest contributor to the site?

That’s right… ME. Check out the Who’s Who page… See? It’s official.

And Maria Geraci? I don’t wanna hear one word from you about me caving and watching The Bachelorette again. Because it is ALL YOUR FAULT. You made me do it. I swear. (you totally knew I couldn’t resist, didn’t you?)

That’s right. I’m recapping this season’s Bachelorette in all of its Masked Glory.

OH. EM. GEE. This is such a train wreck! And I’m so honored to have been asked to contribute to such a fantastic website! So you guys please spread the word and the comment love. Not just on my posts, but check out the others. There are some very witty and well written posts that you need to check out.

Now.

So hurry up and go. I’ll be here when you get back.

Oh, and my first post is live! The Bachelorette: Season Ashley episode 1