Tag Archives: wtf

The Bachelor: BOOBS of Love

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I wasn’t going to do it. I wasn’t going to watch the Train Wreck Plane Crash that is The Bachelor: BOOBS Wings of Love. But between Maria Geraci and @jennchristman, I kinda had no choice.

And you’re in luck, because I tweeted the whole show. I won’t share all my tweets, just some of my faves.

18:58 I’ve been instructed by @jennchristman that I will be watching The
Bachelor. Since Heroes is dead to me & HIMYM is a rerun, I guess she’s rt

19:09 DEAR ABC: ON THE WINGS OF LOVE? REALLY? yes, that’s so bad, it
deserves all-caps. Shame on u for topping the cheese mtn w/ cheese whiz.

Jake is a pilot. He is very easy on the eyes and thankfully he goes without a shirt a lot. Unthankfully, every ho-testant has decided to offer up awesome plane euphemisms. (“I wanna be your co-pilot in life.” “You can land on my landing strip any time.”) No, I’m not kidding. This may be the best season yet.

19:21 vienna is not only a small sausage. She’s also on The Bachelor. She can’t walk in high heels & has ‘Mommy/Daughter’ days w/ her dog.

19:33 Rozlyn with a “z”… “My name means little rose. Fasten seatbelt/ bumpy ride.” Yes, She said that. She’s excluded frm Chicken Cutlet nt.

20:29 what kinda name is Tenley?

Okay, there is also a chick named Gia. So, these very special ho-testants have very unique names. Vienna is now known as Small Stinky Sausage Girl. Tenley is now Tetley Tea. I call Gia, Gigli.

Also, there was lots of gymnastics on the beach in bikinis. It must be a requirement for the show now.

19:43 I believe their bra sizes are all larger than their IQs. @jaciburton @cambriadillon @maureenmcgowan

19:44 they all have one thing in common: BOOBS.

20:29 The “biggest thing is, have fun” I thought the biggest thing were their BOOBS

Yes, this is why the show is no longer called Wings of Love.

20:30 Sausage (aka Vienna) is killing me with her “omgomgomg my heart is beating!”

20:33 OMG. There it is! The LANDING STRIP QUOTE! I HEARD IT!

20:37 SHE IS NOT WEARING A FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNIFORM! I love her the best.

20:37 This is Ella: Hi. I’m southern. I do hair (Hay-yer) and I have a kid. But I’ll be your babymaker!

20:41 PRETEND FIANCE? PRETEND FIANCE? Oh. Oh. Oh….that’s awesome.

Yes, Small Stinky Sausage Girl pretended to fall, then tried to play it off, then did the swooning girl thing. Though it may not have been a pretend fall, we did see her stumble in heels at the beginning of the show, just before she did a handstand.

Ella had on a pretty dress, but her southern accent was too BLUSH AND BASHFUL for me.

And I don’t even know the chick’s name who had a pretend fiance, gave him the ring and said “I’m ready to make it real now.” WHO DOES THIS?

20:50 Tetley Tea just called herself a cuddlebug & asked for a kiss. but she didn’t go in & actually give him a kiss. she kinda chickenlipped him

20:51 O.M.G. is he giving Tetley Tea the first impression rose?

20:52 u were very memorable…he says. Why because she’s named after a teabag?

20:53 he obviously doesn’t know the difference b/t “kiss” and “chickenlip”

I don’t even have to explain the above.

And now for the Rose Ceremony:

20:55 Rose ceremony. HAY-YER just got her rose. She is so Graytfuyul

20:56 just once, I’d like a ho to say “No. I don’t want yo rose.” But this isn’t “Flava of Rose”

20:56 did landing strip get rejected? Dood.

20:57 he cut the landing strip and co-pilot girl. and girl in ugly green dress w/ gap b/t her teeth.

20:58 cry ugly green dress girl! CRY! it’s heartbreaking after 4 hours, isn’t it, hon?

20:58 Poor girl with short hair. She’s never watched the show. Short hair girls don’t win. Best to get cut now.

Jake has very little substance. I think ABC needs to capitalize on his hot bod and start a marketing campaign: The Bachelor: SHUT UP JAKE AND TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

I’m not sure I can watch this every week, especially since I tuned in and watched CONVEYOR BELT OF LOVE afterward. No I’m not kidding. There is not enough booze in the world to survive that morsel of pain.

Mel’s 12 Days of Christmas

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I would apologize for the lameness of this ‘song’ but whatever. I had fun. LOL

On the 1st day of Christmas, someone gave to me–a cold that lasted 6 days.

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my kids gave to me–2 lame excuses for not doing their chores.

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my dog gave to me–3 chewed up pens and garbage all over the floor.

On the 4th day of Christmas, my friends gave to me–4 glasses of wine and laughter that lasted all night.

On the 5th day of Christmas, my mother gave to me–5 guilt trips!

On the 6th day of Christmas, my boss gave to me–6 piles for filing and papercuts that just won’t heal.

On the 7th day of Christmas, my cats gave to me–7 giant furballs and a stinky litter box.

On the 8th day of Christmas, my mailman gave to me–8 bills I can’t pay.

On the 9th day of Christmas, my neighbor gave to me–a 9 minute fight in the street.

On the 10th day of Christmas, my statcounter gave to me–10 million searches for
Melissa Francis CNBC.

On the 11th day of Christmas, my daddy gave to me–11 books to sign for his poker buddies.

On the 12th day of Christmas, I give to you: a new set of decorative plates …

You’re welcome.

let’s talk tube

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TOP CHEF

SPOILER ALERT

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First of all, I’m very disappointed in the Top Chef finale. Not surprised–disappointed. The judges have had a Chef-mance with Michael V from the beginning and they really wanted to have it be brother vs brother in the finale so Kevin didn’t have a shot. IMO, Kevin was the most consistent chef. And frankly, I would’ve eaten EVERYTHING he cooked.

I liked the V brothers alot. I adored Bryan. I thought Michael had great vision and talent, and normally I’m all about cocky, but he was usually more cock than cocky. He needed to be knocked down a peg. I will say I laughed out loud and snorted when Tom asked him why he should be Top Chef and he said, “I just don’t want Bryan to win.” THAT was funny.

I felt like the finale should be between Kevin and Michael. I would’ve preferred Bryan, but he seems to underseason quite often. I’m not even sure why they bothered bringing Kevin to the final 3 because they knew it would be Bro vs. Bro in the end. Poor Kevin. I adored him. And he can cook for many ANYTIME.

CRIMINAL MINDS
I love this show but last night, I was screaming at the TV. (I do this when the writers make the characters do something TSTL)

So, there’s a dude with a knife in your house. He goes after your boyfriend and you try to escape. You run to the front door which is locked. What do you do next? As your boyfriend is being stabbed to death, of course you run upstairs instead of trying to just UNLOCK THE FREAKING DOOR AND RUN OUTSIDE. right?

WTF? seriously. I know the chick needed to die, but honestly, did the writers have to make her so stupid that she deserved to die from being brain dead? Unbelievable.

As she ran upstairs I just started screaming. “WTF are you running upstairs for? And why are you just standing there watching your boyfriend die? If you’re gonna run upstairs, shouldn’t you at least try to lock yourself in a room and dial 911? You deserve to die, dumbass.”

My oldest kid was laughing so hard at me. “Mom, they can’t hear you.”

“Clearly. If she could hear me, she’d be outside by now.”

TSTL. The writer who wrote that scene should be shot. Or chased upstairs by a knife weilding lunatic.

and for your dose of naughty, naughty, Christmas fivolity…I give you Lady GaGa’s Christmas Tree. “Light me up, put me on top…Let’s FaLaLaLaLa…”

You’re welcome.

in denial

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I refuse to believe it’s December.

I refuse to believe it’s almost Christmas.

It’s kinda like if I don’t open the bill, I don’t have to pay it, right?

And while I’m at it, I’m not ready for Christmas music either. Don’t that make me Bah-Humbug you. Cuz I totally will.

Okay, are y’all in the Christmas spirit? Am I alone in Scroogeville?

worst gift idea ever. and I mean EVER.

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I saw a Public Service Announcement last night that left me staring at the TV with my mouth gaping open in disbelief.

A cute dude (I recognized him but I think the shock of the commercial has stunned me into forgetting his identity) stares into the camera and says:

“Fellas, wanna get your lady something special this holiday season? Schedule her a pap smear.”

WTF?

Okay, just in case you fellas reading this blog are not clear on this subject…scheduling your lady a pap smear as a special gift is a VERY BAD IDEA.

correction.

IT’S THE WORST EFFING IDEA ON EARTH. PERIOD. THE END.

If you don’t believe me, go ahead and schedule your lady a pap smear and see what happens.

Please be sure and report back when you do.

Hope you guys have a great Thanksgiving. Eat lots! Watch tons of football! Go to the movies! And enjoy your family and friends. I plan to.

I’m judging you

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Okay, I’m not generally a judgy-mcjudgington. I don’t care who you’re sleeping with, where you buy your clothes, if you leave dishes in your sink or have enough dog hair on your floor to weave a rug. It doesn’t matter to me if you believe in/worship God, Dog, Karma, The Universe, Buddah, Brangelina, The Kardashians, or Jim Jones. I almost don’t care what your politics are (I am slightly judging you here. I’m working on that.)

However, if you do any of the things listed below…I’m totally judging you. Because this is when your choices are infringing on me in one respect or another. And let’s face it, this is my blog, so it’s all about me.

Unless you’re physically injured or handicapped, you better not be taking the elevator just one floor. I mean it. Do you know how ridiculous it is for me to travel from floor 12–thinking I’m going to make it all the way to floor 1–only to be stopped on floor 2 because some Mr. Lazy-pants didn’t feel like taking the stairs? Yeah, I’m rolling my eyes at you when you step on the elevator because I’m judging you. If you don’t like it, take the stairs.

When you refuse to put the shopping cart in the cart corral, I’m judging you. And possibly I’m confronting your uber lazy ass as well. Yes, I’m the cart Nazi. Just walk the 3 spaces over and replace the cart. C’mon. You know you can do it. Rain is rarely an excuse. There’s always an exception but my guess is, if you’re reading this blog, the exception doesn’t apply to you.

If your hair has it’s own zip code? Yes, I’m judging you. This goes for all you Bump-It wearers. If I feel the desire to mail your hair a letter, there is a problem. I had big hair once–between the years of 1988 & 1992. If I see your bangs and suddenly start singing a Poison song, you need a new stylist.

If your jeans come to or over your belly button, and/or taper at the ankle, you bet your sweet Chic-jeans I’m judging you. Mom called, she wants her jeans back. And while you’re at it, return those white Keds to her, too. Thanks.

If you’re reading this and can see yourself in any of these examples, well, you know what to do…

Raise your hand if you did NOT see New Moon this weekend?

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I admit it. I’m one of the 3 people on earth who did not go to see NEW MOON this weekend. Yes, I realize Taylor Lautner is hot…but seriously, unless they’ve completely rewritten the movie to make it THE NO WHINY VERSION OF NEW MOON, I have no intention of seeing it. None. That book drove me stark-raving mad. Kinda like the whiny Harry Potter book. Funny thing is…the whiny Harry Potter book made a great movie…because they made Harry not so damn whiny.

And even though I firmly stand on Team Sparkle, I will freely admit if the Jacob character would just STFU for a few minutes and quit mooning over whiny Bella, I could totally switch to Team Wolfenstein because WHOA AND DAMN that boy his hot.

Even though I didn’t go see NEW MOONING OVER BELLA MOON, I did still go to the movies. I saw THE BLIND SIDE which was an amazing film and honestly, if the whole cast doesn’t walk away with an Oscar, then life is totally unfair. Go see this movie. It was absolutely fantastic.

Now for some TWILIGHT fun:

Totally ripped this off SciFiGuy and I’m not ashamed to admit it. If you’re reading this on Facebook, go to my website to view the video. Worth it.

How Twilight should have ended:

the story of Meth Ho and School Boy

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Anyone else wanna sing “This is the story of a girl..”

Anyway…

So Friday night we went out after the Party at the Potty. The band was fun (and turns out, an old friend of mine is a member of the band, which was totally crazy.) Well, I had mentioned that some folks decided to dance and it kinda turned into a White People Can’t Dance competition.

What I didn’t mention was Meth Ho and School Boy.

MH and SB were sitting with a group of ten or so right behind us. Now, it was obvious that the group hadn’t been to the ‘big city’ in a while. They were a colorful group and seemed to be really enjoying themselves.

When the band started, this skinny chick wearing high-waisted, tapered ankled Mom jeans, an oversized hoodie and workboots got up and started ‘dancing’ by herself. It was an awkward side-to-side step and she was way offbeat. Her braided pony tail (she had it in a pony tail then braided it) swung back and forth like a whip and I was afraid for anyone who might accidentally be lashed by the bleached blond weapon.

It was almost painful watching her, but we couldn’t look away. When the band slowed things down, she moved toward the table and we all breathed a sigh of relief…until she grabbed School Boy’s hand and pulled him to the dance floor.

School Boy must’ve used the best fake ID on earth to get into the bar, because I swear he was just a very tall 12 year old. Honestly, at the very oldest, he was 18… and that’s giving him a very large benefit of the doubt. At first, I thought ‘Aw how cute. He’s gonna dance with crazy Aunt Gilda.’ But that thought quickly turned to ‘OMGWTFBBQ! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP!’

MH pulled SB close and they started slooooow dancing (say it like Barry White. Sloooooow Dancing) And doing this very awkward kinda grindy Dirty Dancing thing that made me throw up a little in my mouth.

I kept trying to look away, but I just couldn’t. It was horrific. And awesome.

My friend recorded the dancing with her iPhone but it was so dark and she didn’t have a good angle so I don’t have video evidence.

Which I promise you is for the best. Because seriously, that image? It burns.

Dear Olive Garden

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I would like to preface my letter by saying I’m not cranky due to lack of sleep; I assure you, I took a nap yesterday when I got home from work and I was sound asleep before 10 p.m. last night and slept til 7:00 this morning. I am well rested.

Actually, I’m not cranky at all. I watched Glee last night. It was funny. I laughed. The episode was titled Vitamin D which made me laugh even more (totally a private joke but seriously, the timing was ever so perfect). I boogie-woogie-woogied until I was laughing even harder. Add that to my fantastic sleep, and you have a Happy Mel.

Nope, this letter is written out of general concern for your latest promotion. Can you tell me why on earth you would want to offer a BOTTOMLESS BOWL OF PASTA? Aren’t we fat enough as it is?

Seriously, the original serving of pasta is already like 4 serving sizes…and now you’re offering unlimited refills for less than $10? You do understand that you are dramatically affecting the life expectancy of your clientele with this offer, right? I mean, anyone who will eat a bottomless bowl of noodles, butter, cheese and meat on a regular basis probably only has 1 working artery left. The others are 90% blocked and their heart is working overtime just to help them get oxygen. When they die, they won’t be back. Unless you’re offering this same promotion in your heavenly and hellish locations as well. (Do you have a location in purgatory? just curious…)

Honestly, why? WHY? I just don’t understand.

(I actually don’t understand why restaurants in general won’t serve appropriate portions and just lower their damn prices. It’s such a waste of food & money…but I digress.)

I know my little letter won’t make a damn bit of difference to you. And you’re probably not going to listen to me anyway because I don’t eat your bland food and your over-dressed, greasy salad that everyone seems to love (I do love your breadsticks though) I really wish you’d rethink this Unlimited Heart Attack in a Bowl promotion of yours. You might keep your customers around for a few more years…

Sincerely,
Mel