vertical.

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I know people say that men are big ol’ babies when it comes to being sick and that women just do what needs to be done no matter how sick they are…

Yeah. That doesn’t really apply to me. I mean, it did when the kids were little, but now? No way. When I’m sick, the world stops turning. (As it should when you’re the Empress) I need to be babied and sadly, I also need to be left alone. Pretty much, you’re screwed no matter what you do… But trust me, it’s always better to do something than nothing at all. Yes. I know. I’m not right, but y’all all love me just the way I am…

What started out as a head cold, ended up as attempted murder by my inside parts. I don’t know if I had a stomach bug or a bad reaction to cold meds, but let me just say, Death WOULD HAVE BEEN WELCOME. <– too dramatic? I DON'T THINK SO.

Anyway, after a day of near death experiences, napping, and lots of Words With Friends I am all better now. I’m vertical. I’ve had coffee. I’m no longer wishing for death. I think we can call today a win.

I want all the nice.

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I didn’t have a great day yesterday and I felt like crap. So today, I want all the nice. All of it.

And I think if I could have some of the surprises that would make me smile, that would be good, too. I don’t want all of the surprises. Just some of them.

Here is a list of some of the surprises that would make me smile:

  • Matt Damon
  • Matt Damon cleaning my house.
  • Flowers delivered by Matt Damon.
  • A new car–driven by Matt Damon
  • Wine Wednesday on a Tuesday in Matt Damon’s hot tub.

  • The restraining order Matt Damon has on me to be lifted

  • A winning lottery ticket. (bought for me by Matt Damon.)

Of course, these are mere suggestions. Any of the nice that you bestow on me will be appreciated and any surprise that is nice will be welcome. Matt Damon is just an added bonus of awesome.

did you feel the earth move?

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I did. Because I actually wrote actual words to an actual book last night. And I started working on a synopsis. Yes, not only did the earth move, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Hell might have also frozen over. Sorry Satan. I’ll send you a parka.

Now, this wasn’t some major breakthrough of a million billion words or anything, but I did manage 555 brand new words to an actual story that I’ve been sitting on for almost 3 years. Crazy huh?

My Fictionistas were a big help last night. Thanks ladies for the beatings encouragement. And a special thanks to Rhonda Stapleton for getting this song stuck in my head.

And in other and much more FUN news…

My awesome, talented, lovely friend Stacey Jay has a new book out that must be purchased forthwith.

JULIET IMMORTAL

These violent delights have violent ends

And in their triumph die, like fire and powder,

Which as they kiss consume.”

—Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

The most tragic love story in history . . .

Juliet Capulet didn’t take her own life. She was murdered by the person she trusted most, her new husband, Romeo Montague, a sacrifice made to ensure his own immortality. But what Romeo didn’t anticipate was that Juliet would be granted eternity, as well, and would become an agent for the Ambassadors of Light. For 700 years, she’s fought Romeo for the souls of true lovers, struggling to preserve romantic love and the lives of the innocent. Until the day she meets someone she’s forbidden to love, and Romeo, oh Romeo, will do everything in his power to destroy that love.

Here’s a picture of us together at a joint book signing we did in Oxford in 2009. I MISS YOU STACEY JAY!

it’s been a while…

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Not only is that one of my favorite STAIND songs of all time…it is also an accurate statement when it comes to me and writing.

It has definitely BEEN A WHILE.

A long while.

I wrote something back in the early spring, just as an exercise to see if I could still actually write. It was 5 pages of therapy disguised as fiction. I felt amazingly better after writing (therapy does that, yo) but I didn’t latch on to that feeling and continue to write.

And kinda like exercise, once you stop, it’s really hard to start back.

I’ve talked about it getting back to the keyboard over the past year, but it just hasn’t quite happened. Tonight…that’s changing. I’ve got a writing date with my gal pal Rhonda Stapleton. We’re gonna write at the same time and periodically check in with our progress. Because I have to do this or I’m afraid I’ll lose something I love forever. And I really don’t want that to happen.

Also, I have some stories that I’d like to tell…

Tomorrow, I plan to check in and let you guys know what my word count was. Let’s hope the count will be at least 1…

2 years ago today…I blogged about Kissing.

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Because I’m feeling lazy and also because I like this story, I think I’ll repost it here for your reading pleasure…

Kissing can be good (very good), bad (very bad), and sometimes it can be downright ugly. And yes, even very ugly.

This is a story about a downright (very) ugly kisser. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

I was in 8th grade and in love with a boy named Conan*. Conan was everything I thought I wanted in a boy. He was funny, handsome, tall, athletic and did I mention handsome? I wanted me some Conan like I wanted the newest pair of Gloria Vanderbilt jeans.

A mutual friend of ours was having a party and it was going to be my first boy-girl party. (shut up. things were different back then.) Unfortunately, my mother decided to chaperone said party as well, but that’s a different part of this story and one that will remain locked in the vault.

That night, I decided to try to look like a girl. I wore my hair down (it was always in a hat or a ponytail), put on makeup (according to mom my eyes looked like spiders from an Alfred Hitchcock movie) and even wore a shirt without a sports logo on it. See? I could totally be a girl.

Conan noticed me and we flirted and slow-danced all night. Finally, the moment had come and it was time for Conan to kiss me. (I believe it was a Lionel Richie song that was playing)

He didn’t so much kiss me as he did eat my face.

And his tongue? It wasn’t so much as touching mine as it was filling my mouth. I’m pretty sure I was chewing on it, in hopes to survive without choking to death.

It was the biggest let down ever. A dude with so much potential, a dude I had crushed on for several months, a dude who couldn’t kiss worth a damn.

I was shocked and of course, completely disappointed. But Conan was everything I wanted except for the kissing part. Maybe I could help him improve? I tried that night several times but unfortunately, his tongue kept getting bigger. I found myself wondering how he kept that thing inside his mouth.

So here’s my question, can a bad kisser be retrained? Or do two bad kissers just wind up together because nobody else wants them?

*not O’ Brien 🙂

Super Nerd is Super!

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My kid is awesome. He also isn’t quite right in the head, but I love him anyway. Yes, he wore this to school today. These pants are his 2nd pair of “John Daly” pants. (see other pair below)He has to wear a tie on game days (football starts tonight, YAY!) and so he figures if he’s gotta wear a tie, he should wear it with “style.” Ahem. Well, he is his own person, that’s for sure…



In other news, I woke up full of anger and discontent this morning but after I fed on the souls of several babies, kicked a kitten*, and drank 4 cups of coffee, I felt much better.

Honestly, the souls of the innocent work every time. You should try it.



*ETA: no actual kittens were harmed in this mornings kicking… Don’t send me any hate mail because you have no sense of humor. Mmmkay? Or send it…and then I’ll blog about it. Yeah. Do that.

paperclips and grilled cheese

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Why do you think my titles should have anything to do with my actual blog post?

There was a new review of BITE ME! posted last week that made me smile. I love it when someone picks up my book reluctantly and then ends up thinking it kicks Twilight in the ass pleasantly surprised. Makes my day.

I painted some metal outdoor furniture this weekend. My hands are all cramped up now, but it makes it easier to hold a soda can. No effort at all now. So if holding a soda can (or beer bottle) has been a problem for you in the past, just spray paint furniture for several hours at a time and that problem will fix itself!





I was going for beachy colors, but wound up with Easter Egg colors instead. But it’s an easy fix. Gonna repaint the blue table — Orange(originally I had wanted to be more of an aquamarine than pastel.)

El Jefe and I also split time on the John Deere. Lots of mowing occurred on Saturday, thanks to the massive amounts of rain we’ve had (finally) over the past 2 weeks.

Sunday, we made our way to Birdrunner’s new place where El Jefe worked on electronic stuff while we talked about putting boxed stuff in the attic. It was a planning session, you see. No actual boxes were put in the corner, because nobody puts boxes in a corner! (or an attic) I also enjoyed her new deck and water feature. As well as the Bud Light Lime.



I also ate nachos.

Mmmmmmm

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I made good foods last night. Bacon-wrapped Rosemary Chicken and roasted potatoes with wilted garlic spinach. I would have gotten marked down for the plating, but as for the taste, I might have even pleased Chef Ramsey. Maybe.

And then it put me in a coma. I’m not exactly sure what time I started dozing on the couch, but it was early. I’m sure I was mouth-breathing and drooling into Lake Melf when El Jefe woke me up and suggested I make the bed my new home.

The weekend is here y’all. Get your Sparkle On. I had to fight off a couple of Twi-hards but I finally managed to kill a sparkle-pire and gain my sparkle back. I hope you’re wearing your shades today…because I’m shining bright!

my favorite part of the morning…

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I love to walk the dogs in the morning because without fail, they go visit Baby Bear. It’s kinda awesome. (BTW, Clementine always walks with us. We have cats that don’t realize they aren’t dogs…and I have a dog (Ruby) who thinks she’s a cat. Yes, everything I touch requires therapy)