Tag Archives: tv

life lessons from Survivor

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Before I get into my blog, check out this awesome pic I took yesterday while waiting for the storms to pass so we could FINALLY watch a baseball game. We gave up after 3 hours…and 15 minutes later the sun came out and they played the game. Of course…

SURVIVOR SPOILER ALERT!

Dear Russell from Survivor,

I admired your devious form of play in Survivor Samoa. We had never seen
anything quite like you…burning your teammates’ socks, emptying all the water,
finding immunity idols without clues…yes, you were pretty amazing. And we
tolerated your obnoxiousness for the sake of entertaining TV.

Yes, you made it to the final 3 of Samoa but no, you didn’t win because
Survivor is just as much a social game as it is a strategic game. You seemed to
forget all about that and when you wound up in the finals with one of the most
social players of your season, you got your ass kicked.

No votes. As expected.

Fast forward to this past season of Heroes vs Villains. DID YOU NOT LEARN
ANYTHING? Oh wait, nop you didn’t. You played the exact same game and took 2 of
the most social women to the finals with you, even bragging that there was no
way Sandra would win.

Um, guess who won?

Yeah. Sandra. A former million dollar winner, who by all rights should have
had a tough time winning because she had won before…yeah, she kicked your
ass.

Parvati also got a few votes.

But you? Nope. Not one vote. And then you tell Jeff Probst that if America
could vote you’d be the clear winner.

Um, guess what? You’re wrong. You play a mean game and make for entertaining
TV, but you’re dumb as a box of rocks if you couldn’t figure out that you needed
to develop a more social game. You lost the million bucks because you’re an
idiot. An egotistical, self-righteous, misogynistic IDIOT.

It amazes me when people continue to make the same mistake over and over and
over again. Oh well, they make that bed, guess they have to learn to lie in
it…

You get what you deserve,
Mel

And on another note:

Dear JT,

I think you’re adorable and if you ever find yourself in Arkansas, look me
up!

Love,
Mel

let it rain

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Storms are moving in and hopefully will be washing away all this pollen. This will be our first stormy weather in the new casa for me and the boys. Should be interesting. And fun. I’m in the mood for some pissed off weather. Sometimes nothing is better than a good spring storm.

Since we’re working on cutting costs, we have a digital converter box for the TV so we can watch local stations. I’m obviously converter-box impaired because I can’t get the thing hooked up. I have never had this problem before! I read directions. I read diagrams. I try to do just as I’m instructed. SO WHY CAN’T I HOOK THE STUPID THING UP? Hoping my bro will have better luck with it.

Think we’re going to a movie this weekend. Ian wants to see Kick Ass so I’m sure that’s what I’ll be forced to endure watching tomorrow. Unless I can talk him into seeing Date Night. I mean, it’s Tina Fey and Steve Carrell. How could we go wrong with that???

any big plans this weekend?

UNreality TV

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There is absolutely nothing real about 1 man dating 25 people at the same time.

First of all, in the real world, who could afford all that? Hell, they do things like rent out Sea World, private concerts by real bands from the 80s, and take helicopters everywhere. So yeah, there ain’t nothing real about The Bachelor.

Secondly, these dates are a guarantee. There is no worry about a girl saying “Eh. I don’t think so.” There isn’t a ho-testant in the world who is going to refuse the rose. The power is in the hands of the Bachelor. “will you accept this rose?” he asks. But he knows the answer. And if he don’t want ya, you ain’t getting a flower–no how much you cry about it.

There is also the fact that dude is macking on all these chicks and they are living together knowing each of them have been swapping spit. Okay, in the real world, if dude takes me out onto the balcony and checks for tonsils with his tongue, I’m expecting that I’m the ONLY ONE he’s playing tongue twister with. But no. He goes right back into the house, picks out another ho-testant and does mouth to mouth with her five minutes later. (unless you’re one of the unlucky ones who just gets a peck on the cheek.)*

This is the worst tv ever on earth, yet I can’t look away.

The fun of it is doing the commentary via twitter or on FB. I do love that quite a bit. It makes me feel superior to the ho-testants. Maybe that’s shallow, but whatever. I’m not choosing to date a man on national tv along with 20 other chicas. In my opinion, that opens them all up for brutal discussion. Especially after hearing some of the things they say! (Plus, they do gymnastics on the beach in their swimsuits. Of course I’m superior.)

This is the bitchiest and most childish group of ho-testants I’ve seen in a long time. None of them like Vienna Sausage and they all keep running to Jakey and telling him she’s a bitch. Yet he keeps her. And then they get all pissy about it–which is really unattractive. I’m beginning to feel sorry for Vienna Sausage (even more so than I did because of her name). They are all just flat out cruel to her. I don’t care what the chick has done (which as far as I can tell, hasn’t been much) nobody should have to stay in a house with people who are constantly talking about you. It’s not fun.

I should know, it happened to me once. And it wasn’t over anything I had done, it was was because the women I was with were insecure, petty, and just flat out mean. Jealousy can cause some people to react in a very ugly manner…and I think that’s exactly what’s happening to Vienna. The girls feel threatened by her.

And the more they try to sabatoge her with Jake, the more it works against them.

I am fully invested in this train wreck now–and believe it or not, I’m just about to switch to team Sausage.

*if you’re getting just a peck on the cheek, chances are you’re the next ho-testant being cut. Just an FYI.

not so bright…

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Yup… Me, too.

NBC has made some stupid programming decisions over the years. (Keeping ER on the air for 110 years, being one of them.) But putting Jay Leno on at 9 o’clock every night? That was the dumbest of all dumb ideas.

Or so I thought.

Now they want to move Jay back to the 11:30 EST slot and move the TONIGHT Show w/ Conan to the 12:05 EST slot. HUH?

Let’s first address the stupidity of airing the TONIGHT Show at 12:05 AM. It’s no longer the TONIGHT Show if it’s morning.

Then let’s discuss the fact that if it were any other failing show, they would just CANCEL it. God knows they don’t give a show a chance to establish a following. (Studio 60 anyone?) So cancel Jay. Or move him behind Conan. Or just CANCEL HIM. Because seriously, that is the lamest show ever.

So Conan has written a letter saying he’s not going to follow Jay at 12:05.

Here’s an excerpt:

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

You go, boy. I’m behind you 110%. Wherever you go, I will follow.

reginerating brain cells

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We only thought we were cold at the Liberty Bowl.

It’s freezing in Central Arkansas right now, with no relief in sight for a few days. and we have another possiblity of sleet/snow, but I’m a little skeptical. Mainly because I want it to happen so badly, that I know it won’t.

Here’s hoping for a big blanket-of-snow surprise tomorrow.

I have a headache today and I can’t seem to shake it. Not sure if it’s the weather or just my state of mind. Even the miracle cure of BC Powder and a Coke Zero didn’t work. I think my brain cells are punishing me for making them watch The Bachelor: On the BOOBS of Love and Conveyor Belt of Love on Monday night.

And then yesterday, I topped it off with a couple of episodes of Jersey Shore–because I just wasn’t feeling stupid enough.

Here’s a fun little spoof of Jersey Shore that is sadly, quite accurate. This is NSFW and not safe for anyone under 17. You have been warned.

The Bachelor: BOOBS of Love

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I wasn’t going to do it. I wasn’t going to watch the Train Wreck Plane Crash that is The Bachelor: BOOBS Wings of Love. But between Maria Geraci and @jennchristman, I kinda had no choice.

And you’re in luck, because I tweeted the whole show. I won’t share all my tweets, just some of my faves.

18:58 I’ve been instructed by @jennchristman that I will be watching The
Bachelor. Since Heroes is dead to me & HIMYM is a rerun, I guess she’s rt

19:09 DEAR ABC: ON THE WINGS OF LOVE? REALLY? yes, that’s so bad, it
deserves all-caps. Shame on u for topping the cheese mtn w/ cheese whiz.

Jake is a pilot. He is very easy on the eyes and thankfully he goes without a shirt a lot. Unthankfully, every ho-testant has decided to offer up awesome plane euphemisms. (“I wanna be your co-pilot in life.” “You can land on my landing strip any time.”) No, I’m not kidding. This may be the best season yet.

19:21 vienna is not only a small sausage. She’s also on The Bachelor. She can’t walk in high heels & has ‘Mommy/Daughter’ days w/ her dog.

19:33 Rozlyn with a “z”… “My name means little rose. Fasten seatbelt/ bumpy ride.” Yes, She said that. She’s excluded frm Chicken Cutlet nt.

20:29 what kinda name is Tenley?

Okay, there is also a chick named Gia. So, these very special ho-testants have very unique names. Vienna is now known as Small Stinky Sausage Girl. Tenley is now Tetley Tea. I call Gia, Gigli.

Also, there was lots of gymnastics on the beach in bikinis. It must be a requirement for the show now.

19:43 I believe their bra sizes are all larger than their IQs. @jaciburton @cambriadillon @maureenmcgowan

19:44 they all have one thing in common: BOOBS.

20:29 The “biggest thing is, have fun” I thought the biggest thing were their BOOBS

Yes, this is why the show is no longer called Wings of Love.

20:30 Sausage (aka Vienna) is killing me with her “omgomgomg my heart is beating!”

20:33 OMG. There it is! The LANDING STRIP QUOTE! I HEARD IT!

20:37 SHE IS NOT WEARING A FLIGHT ATTENDANT UNIFORM! I love her the best.

20:37 This is Ella: Hi. I’m southern. I do hair (Hay-yer) and I have a kid. But I’ll be your babymaker!

20:41 PRETEND FIANCE? PRETEND FIANCE? Oh. Oh. Oh….that’s awesome.

Yes, Small Stinky Sausage Girl pretended to fall, then tried to play it off, then did the swooning girl thing. Though it may not have been a pretend fall, we did see her stumble in heels at the beginning of the show, just before she did a handstand.

Ella had on a pretty dress, but her southern accent was too BLUSH AND BASHFUL for me.

And I don’t even know the chick’s name who had a pretend fiance, gave him the ring and said “I’m ready to make it real now.” WHO DOES THIS?

20:50 Tetley Tea just called herself a cuddlebug & asked for a kiss. but she didn’t go in & actually give him a kiss. she kinda chickenlipped him

20:51 O.M.G. is he giving Tetley Tea the first impression rose?

20:52 u were very memorable…he says. Why because she’s named after a teabag?

20:53 he obviously doesn’t know the difference b/t “kiss” and “chickenlip”

I don’t even have to explain the above.

And now for the Rose Ceremony:

20:55 Rose ceremony. HAY-YER just got her rose. She is so Graytfuyul

20:56 just once, I’d like a ho to say “No. I don’t want yo rose.” But this isn’t “Flava of Rose”

20:56 did landing strip get rejected? Dood.

20:57 he cut the landing strip and co-pilot girl. and girl in ugly green dress w/ gap b/t her teeth.

20:58 cry ugly green dress girl! CRY! it’s heartbreaking after 4 hours, isn’t it, hon?

20:58 Poor girl with short hair. She’s never watched the show. Short hair girls don’t win. Best to get cut now.

Jake has very little substance. I think ABC needs to capitalize on his hot bod and start a marketing campaign: The Bachelor: SHUT UP JAKE AND TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

I’m not sure I can watch this every week, especially since I tuned in and watched CONVEYOR BELT OF LOVE afterward. No I’m not kidding. There is not enough booze in the world to survive that morsel of pain.

Mondaze.

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funny pictures of cats with captions

It’s Mondaze during the holidaze week of Christmas.

I watched Love Actually 3 times this weekend. Yes, I’m ridiculous. No, I really don’t care if you think I’m a loser. (and can I just say, both of my boys sat down and watched it with me the 3rd time about half-way through and got completely hooked) This confirms my theory that Love Actually is actually Christmas Crack.

I also watched Seven Pounds. What a downer. I had that movie figured out within the first 10 mins yet I couldn’t stop watching. Probably because I love Will Smith but still, it was such a damn downer. And the ending was just so expected! C’mon!

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And then there was Survivor which made me very, very happy. I was all about Team Russell until he got all nasty about Shambo last week. Seriously, that man owed Shambo his place in the game. If it hadn’t been for her, he never would’ve made it as far as he did. And instead of giving her the respect she deserved, he called her names and said she disgusted him, etc. It made me ill. While I agree he played an amazingly strategic and very obvious game, and he was total entertainment…Natalie played just as smart but was much less obvious. And it worked for her.

I was happy.

Plus she’s an Arkansas girl, so Woo Pig Sooie!

And on a final note, I’ll be at the Benton Library tonight from 6-7 doing a talk and signing books. What on earth am I gonna talk about?

let’s talk tube

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TOP CHEF

SPOILER ALERT

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First of all, I’m very disappointed in the Top Chef finale. Not surprised–disappointed. The judges have had a Chef-mance with Michael V from the beginning and they really wanted to have it be brother vs brother in the finale so Kevin didn’t have a shot. IMO, Kevin was the most consistent chef. And frankly, I would’ve eaten EVERYTHING he cooked.

I liked the V brothers alot. I adored Bryan. I thought Michael had great vision and talent, and normally I’m all about cocky, but he was usually more cock than cocky. He needed to be knocked down a peg. I will say I laughed out loud and snorted when Tom asked him why he should be Top Chef and he said, “I just don’t want Bryan to win.” THAT was funny.

I felt like the finale should be between Kevin and Michael. I would’ve preferred Bryan, but he seems to underseason quite often. I’m not even sure why they bothered bringing Kevin to the final 3 because they knew it would be Bro vs. Bro in the end. Poor Kevin. I adored him. And he can cook for many ANYTIME.

CRIMINAL MINDS
I love this show but last night, I was screaming at the TV. (I do this when the writers make the characters do something TSTL)

So, there’s a dude with a knife in your house. He goes after your boyfriend and you try to escape. You run to the front door which is locked. What do you do next? As your boyfriend is being stabbed to death, of course you run upstairs instead of trying to just UNLOCK THE FREAKING DOOR AND RUN OUTSIDE. right?

WTF? seriously. I know the chick needed to die, but honestly, did the writers have to make her so stupid that she deserved to die from being brain dead? Unbelievable.

As she ran upstairs I just started screaming. “WTF are you running upstairs for? And why are you just standing there watching your boyfriend die? If you’re gonna run upstairs, shouldn’t you at least try to lock yourself in a room and dial 911? You deserve to die, dumbass.”

My oldest kid was laughing so hard at me. “Mom, they can’t hear you.”

“Clearly. If she could hear me, she’d be outside by now.”

TSTL. The writer who wrote that scene should be shot. Or chased upstairs by a knife weilding lunatic.

and for your dose of naughty, naughty, Christmas fivolity…I give you Lady GaGa’s Christmas Tree. “Light me up, put me on top…Let’s FaLaLaLaLa…”

You’re welcome.

BITE ME! on 20/20

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I almost watched 20/20 last night because they were featuring ‘Real-Life Vampires’ and then thought…”Seriously, what are the odds they’ll feature my book cover for this story?” Apparently I should also buy a lottery ticket because the odds were 100%!! You’ll have to sit through a commercial once the video loads but at -6:34 on the timer, you’ll see my beautiful cover with my name front and center!

Inside the World of Real-Life Vampires

[insert witty blog title here]

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Okay, this has been a hard week so I’m very glad today is Friday.

Tomorrow I’m giving a presentation to my local writing chapter on Screenwriting. This should be interesting since I have never written a screenplay in my life. I do however apply screenwriting techniques when I’m wriitng a proposal, so that’s what I plan to focus on.

Okay, can we talk about Survivor for a minute? How much am I loving this season? Seriously, Russell is the most awesome player ever. I hope he’s for real, cuz honestly, I love how bad he is and how good he is at this game. He deserves to win the money…as long as he keeps playing smart and doesn’t get too cocky. (of course, not sure he could get anymore cocky than he already is. Wow.) Shambo is just TSTL sometimes. She better watch her back…her days are numbered. And Mick? He is the real Mick-dreamy (totally stole that from Maria Geraci)

And Project Runway. Wow. What a disappointment. I just don’t understand how they picked her as the winner. <–(this is me trying not to spoil it for those of you who dvr'd it.) Her collection was just so…bleh. It wasn't wearable (except for a couple of dresses…including the last dress wh/ I actually loved but the judges didn't!) and what was with those jockey helmets? UGH UGH UGH.

Okay, now for some fun:

We played a Facebook status game last night: What four words would you say to me if we woke up in jail together? The comments were many and funny. Now it’s your turn…

What four words would you say to me if we woke up in jail together?